Trench Coats (for non-devious purposes)

I am not quite sure how it happened - perhaps it was a combination of Kevin Smith and the Matrix - but the idea that owning a trench coat will make you cool is so false.

It's not that they're uncool themselves. Quite the opposite; trench coats have a certain air of confidence about them that seems to envelop the wearer simply by proximity. But in order to wear a trench coat, you really need to possess the proper attitude.

"I am such a misunderstood badass" is not the proper attitude. The purpose of a trench coat is to serve as protection from the weather. There is absolutely no other reason to wear one. Schucks who tool around high school hallways and smoke-filled coffee houses while wearing a trench coat are simply trying to be pretentious.

I believe that the proper statement made by a trench coat is the following: "I am a sensible person who enjoys the practicality of a versatile outergarment that is also surprisingly comfortable."

The implied "Yes, I'm wearing a black trench coat even though it's 85 degrees outside. You got a problem? Trust me, I'm way too cool to care about heat stroke. If you keep staring at me, I will come over there, snuff out my Marb Red in your eye, and proceed to fucking curbstomp your insignificant ass into pasty oblivion with the three-inch soles of my overpriced shitkicker boots. Just because my attire screams that I'm desperate for attention doesn't mean that you're allowed to look." from emo kids and Goths is such a pathetic joke.


And when was my first exposure to a trench coat? When I was eight, and I read mother-fucking Dick Tracy in the newspaper comics. That's how you make a trench coat awesome.

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