Will there ever be a real life modern day super hero?

The reason we don't have bonafide superheroes is because our villains aren't gimmicky enough.

Who's out there robbing the First National Bank with a motorized drill, or kidnapping the commissioner's daughter from a giant inchworm-shaped balloon? Nobody. Our world's criminals are all politicians or multi-millionaires. They don't have gimmicks. They make a phone call, a small nation blows up the next day. That's how it works.

On the rare occasion that we get a legitimate psychopath, he's never anyone you can identify. He doesn't stand on top of the Empire State Building and taunt the powers of good. He doesn't hijack the nation's television reception so that he can reveal his nefarious plot during Desperate Housewives. No, he's a fucking recluse. He lives out in the middle of Montana, 74 miles from the nearest toilet, or something. He's not concocting Doomsday devices or freez-o-rays. He's mailing spores to the Attorney General's Assistant Deputy Vice-Secretary. That kind of thing is pretty sinister but it's not the type of evil that makes for exciting cinema on the 11 o'clock news. What kind of superhero dons lycra and spandex to combat the United States Postal Service?

But suppose someone did decide to go out and thwart crime. How does he do it? Does he just loiter around seedy street corners in a trenchcoat with a cape dangling out the bottom, yelling at the pimp to finish up with the phone booth already? Does he sit in his driveway, listening to a police scanner all night, waiting for disaster to strike two blocks over so that he can finally save the day before the squad cars arrive?

How would he even fight crime? Most criminals possess weapons, usually guns. Unless he's decked out as "Kevlar Man", he's gonna get perforated before he even finishes his heroic catchphrase. I don't care if he's got moves like Jackie Chan and Hulk Hogan's bastard love child, that shit ain't gonna matter against hollow-point bullets.

Seriously, anyone aiming to become a career criminal knows that being identifiable is a big no-no. Finding a theme and sticking with it, no matter how often it leads the cops directly to your doorstep, is something of a detriment to the entire goal of being evil. "Hmmm, there's slime all around this overturned armored car. This could only be the work of THE SLUG! He stays at the apartment over Finsky's Tavern. Round him up boys, and bring me some of Finsky's cheese fries. Those things are incredible."

Not that being a vividly themed hero is a better idea. If a bad guy thinks someone is onto him, who's he more likely to shoot on impulse first? The dude in blue jeans and a Megadeth shirt, or the guy in the bright yellow bodysuit and Lone Ranger eye mask? Sometimes it pays to be subtle. This is why your best detectives wear earth tones and are perpetually drunk to the point of bumbling incompetence. Nobody suspects they're on the case! Or even capable of walking upright! Imagine the shock when Mike Hammer apprehends the jewel thief, then vomits all over his cliched, stripey jail outfit!

So yeah, we don't have traditional superheroes because they just wouldn't fit in. Besides, some of the police and firemen out there are pretty fucking spectacular in their own right.

Jam it back in, in the dark.