BURGERS

My local Mickey-D's still offers the McGriddle. I tried it recently and wasn't impressed. The maple flavoring was so artificial it made me queasy, and even if it didn't, the portion was so tiny it wasn't even worth chewing.

I'm slowly losing interest in commercialized burgers. The employees don't give two shits about the quality of the preparation, and the corporation doesn't particularly care about the quality of the ingredients anymore. I've found brown lettuce and bruised tomatos on my burgers more often than I can count, and when I complain, I get stared at like I asked if I could pick the cashier's nose. Burger King has been the biggest offender in this category, while McDonald's earns the gold in "Most Squished and Deformed Burger." Wendy's is the front-runner in "Greasiest Stack" and Fuddrucker's is the not-so-proud recipient of the "So Dry It's Like Chewing Sawdust" title.

I once ate at a place called "Val's" in the San Francisco Valley area. I ordered the double bacon burger and it was pretty good, earning an A- from me. I've only been there once, however, and the likelihood that I'll find myself there again is slim now that I'm no longer with my ex. But if you're in that region, look for it. The burgers are worth the visit and the milkshakes are thick, like a milkshake should be.

In this area, we have a restaurant called Cheeburger Cheeburger. I suspect it's a smaller chain since the decor is too slick to be a privately owned store. I'm under the impression that it's named after the old SNL skit with John Belushi in which he plays a short-order cook and shouts out orders like "cheeburger cheeburger!" The whole place has the typical 50's diner motif, but it's at least well done and doesn't look slapped together like others.

Anyhow, their burgers are absolutely outstanding. Their patties are hand-pressed and blended with seasoning before going down on the grill. You can request it cooked to any degree, and the list of available toppings is beyond plentiful. You can get guacamole, feta cheese, coleslaw, parmesiano regiano, genoa salami, garlic butter, several kind of lettuce, habanero sauce, etc. And the burgers come in sizes ranging from 1/4 pound to the 2-pound patty, which if consumed on the premises, earns you a themed teddy bear and a hat. They are a tad expensive but for the quality they offer, Cheeburger Cheeburger is totally worth dropping a twenty-spot for the 3/4 pounder, an order of hand-dipped onion rings and a large milkshake (60 flavors!).

If you don't have this place near you, you have earned my pity. You have absolutely no idea what you're missing.

Jam it back in, in the dark.