Your Best and Worst Concoctions

Best: #1: Three-cheese macaroni. It's like any normal macaroni & cheese, except that in addition to the Velveeta (must use Velveeta because it mixes well), you stir in melted monterey jack and Philly cream cheese as well. The cream cheese makes all the difference in the world and is the key ingredient. I also like to fry up some bacon and dice some pepperoni, then stir them both into the pot. It's very fattening but it's worth the cardiac shock.

#2: Pizzadillas - I once bought a do-it-yourself pizza kit and was searching through the refrigerator for extra ingredients. I came upon some extra taco fixings from a couple nights before, including some tortilla shells. They matched the pizza dough perfectly, so I fried up some hamburger, reduced some mild salsa to use as the sauce, threw on a couple cheeses, pepperoni and green peppers. A handful of black olives finished the toppings. I then placed a tortilla shell over the pizza and let it bake. It came out fantastic and stayed firm when sliced. It dips well in sour cream too. I'm thinking of doing it again sometime with guacamole added in.

#3: Buffalo-style Spaghetti-O's - I'm probably not the only person who does this. I love Frank's Red Hot sauce and any good Buffalonian knows that it's one of the key ingredients in Buffalo wings. I dropped a good four tablespoons into the pot of Spaghetti-O's as it cooked, then stirred in two tablespoons of butter and one tablespoon of brown sugar. A little chopped cilantro finished the batch. It was perfect. I've been doing it this way for five years now and I have yet to tire of eating Spaghetti-O's for lunch.

#4: Pretzel brittle - Around Christmas time, I usually make a few batches of peanut brittle. It takes no more than ten minutes per batch if you know the science behind "cracking" sugar. Last year, I overestimated how much corn syrup and sugar I'd need, but didn't have any more peanuts. I did, however, have a bag of pretzel sticks, and I figured why not? I crushed them into tiny bits in a mortar and pestle, then added them to the liquid sugar before adding the baking soda. Worked like a charm. It tastes just like peanut brittle except that it's got more of a salty-sweet flavor and is a little crunchier. I wound up dipping half the batch in melted white chocolate and giving it out to coworkers. They loved it.


Worst: #1 - Chocolate mint brittle: As above, but involving an attempt to add chocolate chips and mint extract to the liquid sugar. This does not work because the melting point of chocolate is far too low and the chips melt completely before the sugar becomes firm. This caused a shift in the chemical balance somehow, possibly due to more sugar being present (ratios are vital) and resulted in a batch that was way too hard and difficult to break apart once cooled. It also did not spread well and I believe I used a bit too much mint extract. In retrospect, I should've gone with sweetened cocoa powder and increased the amount of baking soda by a half-teaspoon. Or not. Maybe this one wasn't meant to be.

#2: Mozzarella T-bone steak - I know the idea for this was sound; my implementation was not. I should've set the pan in the broiler more carefully and checked it after five minutes. But I'm always reluctant to open the broiler once I've begun cooking because it rapidly releases heat and can affect the evenness of temperature. Anyhow, I'd placed a mozzarella ball on each steak (3) with the intent that it would melt over the steak and become golden brown by the time my steak reached the desired wellness (medium rare). No such luck. The cheese slid off before melting completely, then melted all over the broiler pan, away from the aluminum foil, and into the oven itself. I had to spend two hours cleaning it up. I'm sure I was on the right track, I just need to watch it closer the next time I attempt this.

The Unexpected: Grape Kool-Aid Milkshake - Sometimes I like to try things just to see what happens. I had french vanilla ice cream, milk and a blender, and figured I could make myself a shake. But vanilla is so dull. I searched about for flavoring and all I could come up with was a jug of grape Kool-Aid mix. I shrugged and poured a heavy spoonful in. That shit was fucking awesome. I was so scared it'd be weird but it blended quite nicely. I bet it would work for any flavor of Kool-Aid, particularly orange. That'd taste like a Creamsicle, I'm sure.

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