Make your time

I'm severely myopic (nearsighted), and have a slight astigmatism in my left eye. I'm an ideal candidate for contact lenses.

Unfortunately, due to the deterioration of my eyes, I require the gas permeable variety; they're often referred to as "semi-hard". They're a bit smaller and a lot less flexible than the conventional contact lens, which makes them more difficult to insert.

I've never had a pair of the soft contacts, so I had to learn with the gas permeable sort. Unforunately, if you're not used to wearing contacts, it's like having a smoothed chip of glass in your eye and it's quite uncomfortable. They say you get used to it but I had trouble. My cause wasn't helped by the fact that I possess extremely long eyelashes, especially for a male. They often got in the way.

Eventually, I sort of gave up. I wasn't able to accustom myself to the lenses and I was always paranoid that they'd slide way up and back, becoming lodged with no means of removal short of emergency surgery. I know this is an impossibility due to the way the eyeball is shaped and that all foreign objects are pushed toward the iris, but my brain kept telling me this was a convenient lie and that the optometrists were in cahootz with the surgeons.

It's a shame, really. My current lenses are very thick, even with high-index reductions. They make my eyes look small and distorted when viewed from the outside. The most tragic part is that my eyes are naturally wide and expressive. Whenever I take my glasses off, people are startled by the power of my gaze, especially women. Women love my eyes.

I've looked into LASIK surgery, and it's possible for me. It won't cure the myopia, but it can drastically improve my vision to the point where I can wear soft contacts or lightweight lenses. Perhaps then I'll set about my ladykilling ways.

Jam it back in, in the dark.