A Decision which Could Affect the Rest of My Life...

I had this posted in my journal but I thought maybe more people would take a look if I posted it in Advice forum... because I am really looking for opinions or experiences...

There is a girl that I have been close friends with for about 2.5 years.... a few days ago, we had a long discussion about each other and the potential future.

She likes me VERY much, and she said that I am the best guy for her that she has met since coming here about 4 years ago. But because of her boyfriend and stuff, she had never thought about loving me or anything, which I guess is only fair for her and her boyfriend. But she told me that she is going to break up with him and has been trying for almost a year with little to no success. The reasons why she has troubles is to complicated for me to explain here but mainly she saids he is not responsible, lazy, doesn't pay for the rent or the food... and doesn't help out at all. But she has been with him for such a long time, that I feel she needs the confidence from someone else that when it all comes down, someone is there to catch her, which is probably the reason why she hadn't made a move too largely. She is very honest and very nice and I know she is a sincere person.

She hinted to me that the next guy she will date will be the man that she will take the steps towards marriage and she basically told me that if I was really serious about being in a relationship with her that I would have to show the responsibility and really show her that I am serious and truly love her.

I have spent the past few days thinking about whether I am ready for this... and after some deliberation with some of my closest friends, and some of her friends I know... I think I will start making the steps towards it. I may be only 22 (She is 25) and many people say that is wasting my life away when I could be totally partying up with tons of different girls almost everyday. But I am not like that. I hate playing the game, guessing all the time and whatnot. I want a stable, satisfying, loving, stable relationship that can last for long years. I want to dedicate myself to one person so that I can concentrate on making her, me, and the people around me happy. I am really into her and whenever I see her I smile.

When I am around her, I listen to her talk, and I barely say a word because I love listening to her. I am usually a huge talker. Everything feels so right... She says that she has seen so many positives from me and that I am very close to fitting her criteria. She says that I am one of a very few set of people that sees what she really feels when she is upset or sad. She said that I am also very good at making her smile when she is sad and almost no one can do that.

What do you guys think? Everyone thinks its only a matter of time before her and I get together mainly because they have been watching us for a long time. Most of them say that she lights up so much after she sees me.

I am not afraid of marriage or having kids or being responsible.... the only fear I have is if I am good enough for her...

She is Chinese, but we communicate very well together. Actually, its kinda weird how we connect so well... I guess maybe people notice that. I hope to start learning more Mandarin as well to show her I want to give it my all...

Please tell me your thoughts.... I know its probably hard to say anything for advice, etc., since many of you have never met me, but I wanted to write something to let it all out.

What do you think? Have you been in an experience like this before? If you are married, how did you deal with it? What do you think I should do? I think for the most part I have made a decision, but I am curious what other people may think.

Thanks for the reading the long thread.

The Wise Vivi

Jam it back in, in the dark.

You guys make some good points, especially about the whole future thing be unpredictable. The problem she is having about breaking up with her boyfriend is that they have been living together and breaking up would mean that one person would have to leave, and that would probably be the one whose name is not on the lease form. It could be even worse if both their names are on it. It is also mid-school year, and the last thing she needs is a bunch of BS trying to find a new apartment while working about 40 hours a week just to make ends meet. There is not much I can do to help her into someplace else because I live in a dorm.

But if things keep moving closer between her and I, then I would definitely help her plan a way to get out and find a new place. I think the biggest thing is she wants to find some stability... and right now she doesn't know where to get it from. I mean, she is very head strong and works hard, and I know she isn't using me for a crutch or anything. I just think she needs a reason to move on.

You guys know how difficult it can be to make large changes in your life, and I think for her its even more difficult because she is Chinese and there is more pressure on her than on most people who are born in Canada.

Yes, I am white, and her boyfriend is Chinese.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I have been exclusively dating Chinese, Japanese and Korean. I had a Korean girlfriend for about 6 months about 2 years ago. And I have been on many dates with Chinese girls for the past 6 months.

See, the thing is I love the culture and I have been understanding and experiencing that culture and language for about four years now. Although its nothing like actually being in China or Korea, I have learned a lot from the people around me, including some of the languages themselves. There are a lot of Chinese International Students at my University.

I know what you are saying about them going back to ex-boyfriend etc., and also about the kind of efforts you put in and in many cases, nothing comes positive. There was a girl I was in love with for about 2 years and I spent all the effort I could to woe her, but in the end she finally said no.... So I know what its like to be destroyed like that after all the effort. That is probably the main reason why I have been reluctant to go ahead this time.

I mean, what if I work my butt off for a year or more, and nothing comes out of it?

Additional Post:

I was just talking to her and she has said exactly what you said : "He is a very jealous man, and if you take him on, you are taking a very high risk." She told me she doesn't want to see me get hurt, and that it would be best to let her figure out a way out instead of me getting involved with something I probably shouldn't. She wants to have a simple life, and she considers me very special and doesn't want to see me get hurt.

At this point, I think it will be best for me to sit back a bit and take some time to wait to see what she does. She really wants to make changes in her life, and she is trying to her best to figure out the best way out. She said that I am everything she wants, but my timing is bad right now.

So, basically, the waiting game is what I am playing. At the same time, she is telling me to experience other women. But, for me, when I want something, I will wait for it.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

She is traditional Chinese and wants a simple lifestyle. She believes that she needs to get this relationship over herself and that no one can or should help her. As many of you are saying, I should back off some. She feels that I am complicating things more than she would like as everything is already complicated. I cannot help however, to be falling in love with her.

She said to me, "I cannot be your girlfriend, but I will be the best friend as possible for now. I don't want to lose you, but I don't want you to be in this mess. Let me clean up the mess first, and we can go from there."

How ya doing, buddy?

Well, this is what I am going to do. I am going to spend more time with her, but rarely bring up the whole "I want to be your boyfriend", etc., stuff. I will just be the closest friend possible, and when the time comes, show her how much I care. At the same time, I will continue to spend time with other women and meet new ones. I figure this way I can stay off her back a bit while at the same time, supporting her. In the end, only the future will tell what she really feels and what she is going to do.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Thanks for everyone's help. I really do care for her and I am going to wait and do my best to get her. If it destroys me and I get my heart ripped apart again, then so be it. I am willing to take the risk.

We are going out for ribs tonight.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Well, things are looking more positive. We have pretty much forgotten about her boyfriend and everything, and we had a great time talking this afternoon for about an hour or so. I definitely made her very happy, mainly because she was having such a rough day earlier. I am glad that I can make people happy when they are upset.

We are going to have lunch together tomorrow possibly. At first she was reluctant, but I told her "If I can't handle your cooking, how can we go any further?" She laughed and agreed. So, she told me to call her tomorrow and we will meet up. She has also agreed to go to a movie next week with me.

Now that the emotional explaining etc. has all come out, we can both concentrate on building our relationship for the future. Once I get her happy, she smiles soooo much around me.

Anyway, just thought I would give you an update. Here and there I have been sending hints about us becoming something more, which will be very helpful for her to know I have never been thinking about "just friends".

FELIPE NO

Update:

Well, we talked some more tonight, and I made sure that I stayed away from her boyfriend and concentrate on what I want to be for her. She brought up her boyfriend into the topic later and stated that she ". . .thinks of me when she is with her boyfriend." She is trying to figure out how honest I am, and if I will remain loyal to her. I am slowly giving her the confidence she needs to leave him. I honestly believe she needs reassurance from someone in order to break the chain.

Her trust on me has increased tenfold since things started to get serious about a week ago. We will see how things transpire in the next couple weeks.

Yes, I will keep an eye on the other guy. Never know what is going to happen. But I will do what it takes...

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Well, I found out today that she doesn't live with him. He is about a five minute walk though. Things might be easier than it first seemed....

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I guess "Do what it takes" is a little (ok a lot) too strong, but luckily, I haven't told her that straight out. I think she is really a bit nervous about the whole issue. She hasn't felt pressured from me yet though. Which is good. Having her thinking about me more often is helpful as well.

Will keep you posted. Thanks for the perspectives so far.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Nah, I am not much of a gamer, and for the last four months I had been going to the gym three times a week for at least an hour. Had been busy recently though. Once I get paid, I will get another gym pass and start it up again.

She finds me very handsome and good looking already.... Lucky me. I have done a good job so far in being confident and not insecure.... but I probably screwed up when I said the only thing I was scared of was putting all my work into her and failing by disappointing her. I think that was a big no-no.... guess I will have to work double hard to change that perspective around.

Right, positive, patience and confidence.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Well, thanks for the help. I guess Ultima is having a hard time with me asking for some advice in the Advice Column, thinking I am some sort of creepo. I mean, can't someone just have a little bit of a broad forum discussion?

Sorry I ever asked anyone anything. I am not some pedophile or anything. I was just wondering what some peoples opinions are.

Anyway, thanks for everyone's perspective.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Well, it was in Ultima's journal... which lets him off the hook. I guess I overreacted. I just didn't expect someone to be that way when it was uncalled for... I am sorry for jumping over the gun...

I was speaking idiomatically.

Well, I am not ONLY into Asian women. I mean, come on, I live in Canada, there are many different women out there. I mean, I have had a few white girlfriends. Its just I get much closer and connect much better with Asian people, whether guy or girl. Its just something I enjoy being around. I have friends from all places. Is that so bad?

Oh, and don't worry, I am extremely attracted to white females, but I find many Asian women to be more down to Earth. I don't know how to put it, I am just trying to be broad based.

As for some of those meanings, my attraction to Asian women have nothing to do with power or control... I mean, look at the complexities of my current issue in this thread.

Oh, and the pedophile thing was in an AIM convo we had just after I found out about the journal entry.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by starslight

And calling someone retarded is a lazy insult.

I didn't tell anyone to date only within their own culture. I'm saying that focusing so intensely on only one culture is probably unhealthy. Exploring other people's culture is great, but when it gets to the point that you can't relate to your own, that's when it gets weird. Or as others say, kind of creepy.

Its not that I cannot relate to my culture per se, I mean, I have been deeply into European culture pretty much my entire life with the exception for the past 3 or so years. I don't think Asian culture is better or superior, its just different and intriguing. I mean, for crying out loud, I study World history, and that includes Asian history. I am just fascinated by it.

I focus on Asian culture when I am at University mainly because there isn't ANY of it in my home town. The reason why I have been concerned about my being attracted to Asian women had nothing to with asianophile or anything, it was in comparison to how many people from my area grew up and see the world more close minded and discriminatory in contrast to what I ended up seeing.

Maybe I didn't do a good job explaining things in that journal entry, but its more of a romantic level that I cannot connect to in Western Culture, not general overall culture. I hope that clears things up.

I have no preference on white or black, or asian. Its just currently in my life, I am connecting very well with Asian women. And I like that.

Maybe I came on too strong, and I apologize, so I hope this post cleans any misinterpretations from before.

FELIPE NO

Well, here is an update. I have decided to be close friends with her at this point. Actually, she had a sigh of relief. She said now she can concentrate on getting to know me more and not worry about all the relationship future stuff. Actually, I found out she is planning to break up with her boyfriend when he goes back to China in August. That is, if he does not renew his Visa. She hopes he will leave and then she won't have to do anything about it.... I think its not so good... but its just the way she is. She doesn't like hurting people, especially when its someone she has been with for three years.

Besides, the last thing I need is to be consistently hitting on her and he finds out... He would kill me. And to add to my decision, my last serious relationship ended the same way. She cheated on me for a month before we broke up and I later found out it was because she was flirting and seeing someone else. I am not going to be the same way as that. I was on the receiving end last time and I don't think its fair that I do it to someone else.

Anyway, its a long battle. In the meantime, I am going to get know new girls and get rid of this intimidation factor I have with white women these days.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?