Thinking of heading back home

Skip down further for the emo part. I'm giving a little back story first.

I recently took a trip back to California and I had a great time. It made me realize how much more fun things were there. The few friends I have here in Virginia pale in comparison to any of my friends in CA. I have stronger ties to family there, with my grandparents and father living out there, as well as my mother and great aunt in neighboring Nevada. Also, Virginia is home to fuckers who don't like having GFF meets or hanging out . (c'mon guys, srsly)

Anyway, the three main reasons I moved to Virginia were:
1) Living relatively close to my brother.
2) Check out the east coast.
3) Living with my boyfriend.

Well, my brother is now serving a 6-month stay in Afghanistan, which is still active for the next several months. And he may be deployed in other places afterward, which would my proximity to his base pretty much useless.

Checking out the east coast so far has been cool, but I could do so much more. I love traveling and exploring, but I'm a lame duck when it comes to pushing myself to go visiting/touring places. I usually only go to places if someone else invites me there.

Nevertheless, I don't necessarily have to live here just to check the place out. I could fly out here from CA if I really wanted to. And with my ability to work remotely, I could technically do so without using vacation time, providing I had a place to stay out here so my wallet doesn't run dry.

There's still more I'd like to see of the east coast, but it's not a huge concern for me at this point, so I'll cut this short.

Now I'm to the heart of the problem: the boyfriend. Simply put, I don't think I'm interested anymore. I don't know if there's anything in particular that has changed to make me feel this way, but the magic seems to be gone. This doesn't come as a shock though. I have been contemplating breaking up with him almost as long as we've been dating. Given, most of the reasons for those thoughts were naive, being that this is my first functional relationship. But now I'm starting to see that some of my reasons for getting together with him were naive as well (e.g. I was desperate).

He's a really nice guy with morals and habits I can relate to. He makes a very good roommate too. However, I just tend to feel bored around him. I have a better time hanging out with my friends in CA than I do with my own boyfriend. Honestly, it's beginning to make me think I just prefer to be alone most of the time and just have someone to be intimate with on occasion.

Basically, I think the relationship is over, but as far as he knows, everything is fine. I'm having a hard time deciding what I should do. I really just want to tell him that I don't love him any more and that I want to end the relationship, but I know that will hurt him pretty bad. I already went through a previous experience with dumping somebody, but in that case I at least told the guy that the relationship would probably be temporary beforehand -- I still feel bad about it, even though the two of us are still friends.

Also, there's the little part of my boyfriend having recently purchasing a house, with me being the only other person here. I'm paying rent, and I share a bedroom with him, so if I move out, he's going to have a hard time making mortgage payments unless he finds a roommate. I know I have it easy, being that none of this has ties to me, so I could split at any time. However, I don't want to leave someone in a financially vulnerable position. I'm slightly upset because I originally told him that we should rent in case I wanted to move back to CA, but he decided on getting a house anyway.

I think it would be majorly awkward to continue living in the same house as him if we broke up, so I don't think it could happen. Furthermore, if I do this, I'm still stuck in VA, away from CA and all of its glory. Additionally, I know some guys in CA that may be better matches for me as a boyfriend. I haven't been able to date them due to my current relationship.

This whole situation is a clusterfuck, but there seems to be pros and cons to every choice. Any of you have any similar situations? What did you do, or what do you recommend? I don't contribute to GFF much any more (when did I ever do much, really?), but I know you are a bunch of smart folks and will point me in the right direction. Thanks.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Thud.

Boredom=Brain Death

You have a good point.

Originally Posted by RacinReaver

What are the pros to staying out in VA...

I really have no idea. I just feel a bit hesitant to bail on VA so quickly. Moving to VA was in consideration from most of 2007 to early 2008. I've only really considered moving back to CA starting last month.

Originally Posted by Radez29

This jumped out at me waving a giant red flag. I'd be sure you were clear with yourself exactly what your real motivations are for feeling as you do. Otherwise you'll make a decision based on the same poor judgement that moving to VA was.

Can you elaborate? I'm not exactly sure if you're saying that I've already made up my mind on what I should do, or that I may be making another bad decision.

I don't think I'd be persuaded by other guys if I felt that my current relationship was meaningful enough to me. In that case, I guess I have made up my mind already.

I suppose the true questions I have are how I should approach the break up, and when?

Originally Posted by a lurker

The question you should be asking yourself is, if you keep dating the VA guy, where will you end up? What's going to happen?

I guess if I continue to date him, things will stay the same, or possibly get worse. I honestly don't see how it can get much better.

Originally Posted by Seris

The key is to try and bring something new to the table, and if you're unwilling to do that then by all means, break up with your boyfriend before you screw him over in some horrible, horrible way.

I could try to see if there's anything I could do to make this better. Not that I have any ideas. There isn't any particular glaring flaw about him, it's more about my incompatibility with his overall personality and such. It seems like I'd have to change how he thinks and how he acts before I'd be satisfied, and I know I can't do that.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I think I am agreeing with Andrew here. When I was back in California last week all I could think about were my friends. I didn't have any other agenda.

Meeting new potential boyfriends may open new doors for me, but I'm not expecting it. Honestly, I think I mostly just like being by myself, or with friends. Getting a "piece of ass" once in a while might be fine, but I'm rather content on my own.

It's hard to say for sure, because it's one of those "you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone" situations. However, I honestly admit that while I was gone for 9 days from my boyfriend, I didn't miss him at all. I feel more isolated being here with my boyfriend than I did when I was back in CA with my friends.

Then there's all the other reasons I listed (family being in/near CA), and some I didn't (my job also being in CA).

I think it's hard for me to decide now because I have no big "goal" in my life right now. Things are pretty good for me, honestly, so it's hard to say that any particular choice would make my life better. I'll just have to think it over for a couple weeks and analyze my feelings about my current situation.

Thanks for the feedback so far. I may respond to some comments later.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Paco, I'm always looking for whatever will make me happy. I guess I just have to figure out exactly what that is. Thanks for the anecdotes.

Deni, it's difficult to argue that I'm not a chump when I make several regrettable posts at GFF. But just to be clear, I have no regrets about moving to Virginia. I recon I'd make the same choice again if I were given the option. The time spent here so far and the experiences I've had have been worth it. I came, I saw, I conquered. But I now I don't think there's much for me here anymore.

On the subject about chasing a person around the world, you're right. While I've been out here, I've learned that I can't expect things from somebody, even if I'm really close to them. I have to put myself first. Maybe I need to apply that knowledge on a larger scale and do exactly what I feel like with my life.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Yes, this is true. And I'm not exactly losing anything by staying where I'm at for a little longer. Nevertheless, I may be a procrastinator at times, but I get down to business when somethings really important to me.

I feel I have enough input for now anyway. I'm going to think this over during the coming weeks.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Thanks for all the help everyone. I think the quote Zergrinch provided sums up how I want to approach this. I need to cut clean and head back to CA.

Of course, I also have pressing work issues, so this will have to wait until next month. I suppose that will also give me time to either reaffirm or reconsider* my decision. I already have a place to stay when I arrive in CA, so I don't have to worry about that. I don't have a lot of belongings; they can all fit in my car. By the way, I'm finally going to make that cross-country car trip I pussed out on when I came here to VA.

My boyfriend can find a roommate. This is a nice house and we have an empty bedroom/bathroom here that we chose not to "fill" because we can make the mortgage payments ourselves. Also, he has a good job, and family/friends to fall back on. Worrying about his living situation is foolish, and worrying about his emotions is probably just the same.

I have to be honest. While my brother is the most important person to me, and while I like living new places, I think I really only had two goals in mind when I came to VA:
1) Move in with my boyfriend. I was desperate. I never had a real relationship. I wanted something different. He seemed to have good morals and values, and shared some peculiar interests with me. I thought it was too good to be true... well, perhaps that's right.
2) Move out of my mother's house. I love my mother, and she's a sweet person, but she's too clingy. I wanted to have more privacy and not put up with any more crap from her stupid boyfriends/husbands. It was one of the exact same reasons I chose to go to college in Arizona. Only, in that case, I had a goal (school), and friends I cared about.

Where am I at right now? I'm living with a guy whom I've thought about breaking up with for over a year. A guy who I'm currently seriously considering leaving. And on that line of reasoning, it only makes sense that now is the time to cut clean.

I have no goals out here that I can't fulfill elsewhere. I thought this might be a good place to get into learning music with so many OCR people around -- and yes, I am taking piano lessons. However, if I really push myself, I'm sure there's plenty of opportunity in CA, especially living only an hour north of Los Angeles. Anyway, that's a minor issue.

Breaking up won't be easy to do, but I'm up for the challenge. In the meantime, you guys have any idea of places I should visit or things I should do while I'm still out here?

* (only providing something major happens)

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Gechmir

I say break it off, much like everyone else, but it sounds like your boyfriend is quite a decent fella. Which makes it all the more painful to imagine doing. If they were an alkie or a complete dickhead, it'd be easier.

You could always engineer a plan to get him drunk and get someone else to sleep with him ;V

"MY GOD. I'VE BEEN BETRAYED. THIS IS OVER~"

Yeah, I know. It will be difficult, but I'll try to be as nice as I can about it. You know, putting antiseptic on the flesh before I cut it wide open. I actually thought about getting in a situation where he does something that makes it appear as though he offended me strongly in some way to make me want to break up... but that would be cruel. Aside from just missing me, he would also feel guilt about what he did that apparently made me leave.

I'd like to still be friends with him after this. There's a possibility it won't work that way, but I'm willing to take the risk.

FELIPE NO

I told my boyfriend this past Saturday night... He was really upset about it, but wasn't angry. In fact, he was worried that I was mad at him, but I assured him I was not.

I care about him and I hope he can find a way to truly be happy. Unfortunately, I can't be the one to do it. I'm sure we can still be friends though, which satisfies me.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by RacinReaver

This time are you going to do a a fun cross-country road trip in order to get back home?

Hell yes, I am! I actually have a friend from CA flying out here and we're going together. We're going through Pittsburgh, South Bend IN, Chicago, Las Vegas, and several other cities along the way.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by RacinReaver

Be sure to ride on the stretch of I-70 west of Denver on your way to Vegas. I talked one of my friends that just made a trip out here to do it and he agreed it was the best stretch of highway anywhere in the country.

I just so happen to be driving along that entire stretch, so I shall see if you're right!

Thanks for the info on the parks and such; I'll look into them.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Shorty

Have a safe drive back Kaleb.

Thanks, Yumi! Hopefully we can have another meet sometime soon too.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.