Have you/would you stay with someone if they cheated?

Say you've been dating this person for quite some time now, and then one day you find out they had an affair. You love this person dearly and they are your world; they are all you have known for most of your life.

Would you stay with them/forgive them and continue with the relationship?
Or would you dump them like the sack of shit they are?

I want real thought out answers. Not "I'D NEVER STAY WITH SOMEONE THAT CHEATED ON ME CUZ CHEATING IS BAD!!11111111".
If you've ever been put in the situation before... Why did you make the decision you did?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Forsety

To stay a little on topic... I did try to work it out, several times; because when you are with someone long enough it's a lot harder to just "break it off" than many people seem to think.

That's more what I was getting at. What people don't realize is emotions play a big part in the final decision.
People think it's incredibly easy to just say "fuck it" and break it off, but it's really not that simple.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Devo

I'd also be much more upset with emotional cheating than physical cheating. I might be less upset if he fucked some whore than if he made out with some ex-girlfriend, simply because I know the whore meant nothing but his ex meant something.

That baffles me. I'd be pissed by either. It's funny though, since you're not the first person to say that you'd rather he just fucked someone out of meaningless need for sex.

I wonder why you say that. The thought of your guy with someone else, even if he doesn't care about her, doesn't make you angry?

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

I'm a realist. I also believe that humans aren't programmed to be monogamous. If my husband had a "moment of weakness" or whatever you want to call it and screwed some girl once - probably even if this happened more than once during the course of our marriage, I probably wouldn't leave him. On the other hand, if I found out that he had an emotional connection with another woman and was spending time talking to her on a regular basis, meeting her for lunch, taking long drives together, etc., even if he wasn't having sex with her, I'd leave him.

To me, sex isn't that big a deal and we're all human. It's emotional unfaithfulness that I wouldn't tolerate.

I find it strange that you're able to contradict yourself so easily. You don't believe humans are monogamous yet you're married. Marriage is supposed to be about monogamy.
It sounds more like -you're- the monogamous one, but are willing to be a doormat because of the love you have for your husband.

Have you slept with anyone while married to your husband?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

Married people aren't perfect, and it's always amusing to me when people assume that just because you're married you suddenly stop finding anyone other than your spouse attractive. There are MANY difficult aspects of marriage, and remaining faithful is one of, if not the, most difficult thing of all. I'm not sure that I agree with your statement that marriage is about monogamy. I think that marriage is about love and partnership.

If you don't believe me when I say that humans aren't monogamous by nature, do a little research. I took this quote from an article on MSN:

I found lots of other articles to substantiate my claim that people are cheaters by nature. I think the best one can hope for is to find a partner who is willing to try his/her best to be faithful, and to be willing to forgive a person who slips up once or twice. There's also a big difference between a person who screws up once or twice and a nasty, lying cheater who can't keep it in his pants. I'm not condoning cheating, I'm just a realist, as I said before.

Sorry, but I don't agree with you. It sounds more like you're making an excuse for this behavior. Maybe it's true for some people, but I have more respect of anyone who remains faithful during marriage.
Why did you get married anyway, if you're willing to let your spouse cheat? Why didn't you just remain at an exclusive status? Marriage -is- about love and partnership, but partnership means having eachothers back and not going behind it.

Cheating is wrong. Clearly. Do you know anyone who has simply gone up to their SO and were just like "Okay honey, I'm going to go screw someone else now, I'll see you in a little bit!".

No. If cheating was normal, there wouldn't be such an issue with it.
If you personally want your husband to go off with some other woman, that's fine. I realize people have their own screwed up ways of maintaining their relationships (IE: swingers, etc).

The fact of the matter is if marriage wasn't meant to be monogamous, it wouldn't exist. Marriage is about a bond and becoming one with eachother.

I'd think maybe you'd be singing a different tune if your husband really did go out and screw someone elses brains out. Or maybe, he already has, and you're making excuses for him.

That, I don't know. But I don't agree that it's human nature. My grandparents have been together 60 years and have not strayed. Along with a few other couples I know.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

No one really knows what goes on between two people in a long-term marriage. Just because your grandparents haven't felt the need to share every intimate detail about something doesn't mean it hasn't happened. I'm not saying that your grandparents have cheated on each other, I'm just saying that it's quite possible that one of them did and you never knew about it. There was infidelity in my grandparents' marriage that I didn't find out about until I was an adult, yet they remained married.

For the record, my husband has never cheated on me and I hope he never does. I certainly don't see myself as the type who would "let" him cheat, as you said earlier. I just know that if it happens, as long as it's a one-night stand or something meaningless like that, I think I could get over it in time.

No, I just think you contradict yourself. You don't believe in monogamy yet you hope your husband will stay faithful to you.

But as I've said, you never really know how you're going to feel until it happens, so you can't really say that you could get over it if you've never experienced it before.

It's easy to form an opinion on something you've not experienced.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Forsety

Eh, this entire topic is kind of silly, when you start getting people who respond and have never actually gone through it. The reason ultimately that I'm not with my fiancee, isn't just because she cheated on me, but because by doing so she violated my trust. (not even just once, but twice). It was HARD to even trust her after the first time, let alone the second time, you know? Hell, to be honest it was probably as good as over after the first time but I was trying really hard to work through it anyway because I loved her.

Well, that's my point. I was hoping people wouldn't base their decision off of something they know nothing about.
It's easy to say you'd react a certain way if you haven't been through it.

Me, I was cheated on 3 times, by the same guy within a 4 year period. We weren't engaged or anything like that, but I loved him. A lot. Probably more than anyone could ever love a person and I DID stay with him afterward.
However, as many people have stated, you just get to a point where you can't trust them, no matter how hard you try, and you're always going to think that when they are going out it's to see someone else.

You just can't ever get that level of trust back. I think the people saying they'd stick it through are full of shit, especially since they don't really know.

I thought I'd be with this guy forever. But there's only so much betrayal you can take before you've had enough.

And it takes such an emotional blow to the very core of your being.
I don't know anyone, including myself, that have been the same after being cheated on.

Also, it really doesn't matter whether or not there is an emotional attachment or if it's just physical. It still hurts either way. Even though I know he truly loves me, the thought of what he did makes me sick, and from my own experience and stupidity, anyone who thinks they can stick it through is dumb.

A relationship should never be broken or have to be fixed.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Mucknuggle

Please learn how to read.

Alice never said that she did not believe in monogamy. She said that humans are NOT monogamous by nature. Just like every other animal, humans have an instinct to procreate. When in a relationship, you will still find other people attractive. You will still lust after other people. It's human nature.

She said she didn't believe humans were monogamous by nature. It's pretty much saying you don't believe in monogamy. Otherwise, it would be a little on the hypocritical side.

I'm not -saying- that you can't be attracted to someone else while being in a relationship. But looking and touching are two different things. Two entirely, different things.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Uh, yeah, I am serious.
Don't you think it would be a little retarded to make one claim about something if you yourself didn't believe in it?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by PiccoloNamek

But she never said she didn't believe in monogamy...

Then basically she's making an excuse for her husband to go screw someone else based on an opinion/fact/whatever she thinks it is.

K? Okay.

Whether or not humans are monogamous by nature doesn't matter. It all depends on the person. I believe humans can be monogamous by nature. It's not really up for anyone to decide other than yourself.

But again, as I've said already, you can't state something you know nothing about, which clearly she doesn't.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

It's obvious that Lunar Seal is never going to be persuaded. She's been cheated on and she's letting her emotions dictate her beliefs on this subject, without really thinking things through. Also, she seems to have a pretty severe reading comprehension problem. Lunar, I'll happily share with you various articles and studies on the subject of humans and monogamy if you'd like. I found an ton of them yesterday.

Also, I'm not making an excuse for my husband to go screw anyone. I can't imagine that he would ever do that; I just find it incomprehensible that a person would be so immature as to throw away a perfectly good marriage just because her husband happened to perform a physical act that basically boils down to sticking his dick into someone other than her. To me, that's just not thinkable. I wouldn't throw away everything I have with my husband and ruin my children's home life because of an act that probably didn't mean anything anyway.

Come back and talk to me after you've been married to the same person for over a decade, have had children with him and have built a life around him...and also when you've learned to read. Then we'll discuss this like two rational adults.

Being married and having children doesn't make you more wise on the subject.
I've got my opinion, you have yours.
We'll call it a day and leave it at that.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I'm "ragging" on her because she contradicts herself. She never stated she didn't believe in monogamy, yes. But you know, I find it interesting that she presents all this information about how monogamy is against human nature, so clearly, if her husband ever did have an affair, atleast she shouldn't be surprised.

All I'm getting at is she -doesn't- know how she'd react. It's easy to sit here and spat out an opinion when you don't have the experience. The question was "would you stay with someone if they cheated, or have you?"

Okay. So she claims she might give her husband a second chance if he did cheat. But she doesn't really know that. I'm sure she would stick it out, atleast for the sake of her kids, because that's probably what I would do.

But you don't know until you've been through it.
I hope for her sake, she never does know.

But if it does, then she has no right to be upset about it, because she's aware that it's a normal human thing.

I personally don't believe in the statistics. Just because a bunch of people do one thing doesn't make it right or true for the rest of us.
I believe in what's in the heart, not a bunch of numbers or surveys.

Even if I'm wrong, I still want to believe that. She's a realist. I have faith in human kind.

That's all I'm saying.

Quote:

Experience is what you're looking for when asking a question like the thread dictates. Stop ragging on Alice because her experiences don't fit your pre-conceived notions about people, monogamy and cheating.

Her experience in being married is irrelevent to my question. That's all I was getting at. It doesn't matter if you're married, engaged, been going out for a month, whatever. The fact of the matter is that is has nothing to do with the question.

And stop ragging on me because I disagree with the theory that humans are programmed to be cockshoving dickwipes. If you want to make excuses for peoples shitty behaviour, go ahead, but I won't.

If cheating was natural, it wouldn't be an act of deception, and it wouldn't be such a problem. Open relationships are fine if you can deal with it. And it clearly depends on the type of person you are.

End of story.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

It wasn't created to be a debate thread, but sometimes that's how things turn out.

I'm not going to turn this into a "she started it first" argument. I just don't agree entirely with what she's saying.

And that's why everyone has got their own opinion.
I'm not bothered with hers. We just don't have the same views or beliefs, that's all.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

I can't tell you why men cheat, but I don't believe that women cheat because they are sexually unfulfilled. I believe that women cheat when they feel ignored or emotionally unfulfilled. And yes, I do think that there is probably something wrong in a relationship where a person cheats. But since there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, that idea is a little bit scary.

It is true that women tend to be the "emotional" cheaters, and get attached to the person they're doing the deed with. Whereas men tend to just do it out of need to get off.

What bothers me about the unspoken issues in a relationship is that it goes to the extent of cheating.
I realize not everyone is comfortable voicing their wants and feelings, but I don't think it's fair to put the other person in that situation.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by a lurker

What the hell, is this 1950? Do you all believe that women don't enjoy sex and men will do anything to get tail? Cuz, um. saying 'so-and-so TEND to do this' doesn't exonerate you, lady. This is hella antiquitated thinking.

More often than not, women don't cheat just for the need of sex.
Believe me, I know that they sometimes do. It just happens that the majority of them are looking for more than just a free fuck.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Minion

Hey, didn't you guys know? Science has proved men and women to be exactly the same. You better pay attention while you're walking around thinking of these ideas or you might accidentally walk off the edge of the Earth!

Come on, you know that's not true.

To quote Kindergarten cop:

"Boys have penises, girls have vaginas!"

While it does depend on the person as an individual... it just happens that statistically (and i hate statistics), women don't cheat for the orgasm.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by a lurker

What's really lol is that a bunch of women are telling me that men only cheat for orgasms.

I don't know guys, maybe I'm the only one who ever heard of the long-time mistress stereotype.

lol 'men are biologically driven'

Men don't only cheat for orgasms. Just a majority of them do.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by a lurker

Like I said before, cribbing your bullshit replies with 'well not all of them do, just most' isn't getting you out of this. If it were true that sex alone is a motivating factor for unfaithfulness, the majority of male indiscretions would be one-night stands. The world would not be gifted with the expression "she doesn't understand me". 'The other woman' would not exist.

It's okay though Lunar. You're allowed to be stupid, because girls don't know any better.

But I'm not saying sex alone is the only reason for cheating. In some cases, it is. In some, it's not. It just happens that a majority of them are.

The thing about the other woman not existing. If you can find someone stupid enough to get involved with no strings attached, uh, yeah, it would turn into a routine thing. Cheating for sex doesn't always mean it's going to be a one night stand because at the time you were just so horny, you couldn't control yourself. Clearly you've never had the pleasure of meeting a complete asshole in your lifetime. I've known plenty of guys, along with my own ex, that had someone else on the side but had no emotional attachment to them.

If you'd stop being such a bitch about this, and actually listen to what I'm saying without twisting my words, we wouldn't have a problem.

I believe all situations are different. I'm not writing it in stone that "ALL MEN CHEAT FOR SEX, ALL WOMEN CHEAT FOR A DEEPER CONNECTION" but realistically, a good portion of those people are doing it for those reasons.
If you can't grasp that concept then oh well, twist it any way you'd like.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Devo

Can you at least quote some angry fem magazine with this statistic?
What you're saying is totally biased generalizations of the opposite sex, born of either bitterness or anger. This is not logic, this is your emotions dictating how you see men, and it's not objective.

You have yet to grasp the concept that your experiences can't explain an entire population of people. This is how racists think, sexists, homophobes. Get over yourself.

Similiar experiences explain a portion of the population.

You, yet again, are not grasping the concept of what I am saying.

And honestly, I don't really give a shit anymore. This has become so off topic, and clearly we don't agree so we'll just leave it at that.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.