So I'm a bad guy.

There's no story. I just realized it tonight, for the first time, though I feel like I've kinda always known it.

Basically, I realized that I really am full of hatred. When I was in high school, to be the cool guy, I acted like an angst-ridden prick, which is no doubt what I'll be accused of in this thread. But I promise you, this isn't some angst thread. I am literally a bad person in the fullest sense and it bothers me.

I mean, I have literally pushed away all of my friends in the four-or-so years since high school, and since then, looking back, I have continuously halted all attempts at friendship. Even my family prettymuch doesn't like me anymore. Now, for a long time I've assumed the usual - I'm just not trying hard, or I need to get out there more. But it was only today that I realized something while at work.

When I was sixteen and working the drive-thru at the local Taco Bell, I had this day where I had so many successive people ignoring me or otherwise being rude to me that I was literally sent home from having a sort of breakdown, which was the first time that ever happened. I just couldn't stand it - up until that point, I was under the impression that most people were nice and I was hanging out with the wrong crowd. But back then, no matter how nice I was being, these people were dicks.

Well, move up to now (I'm twenty-one, so about five years) and today at work (I still work in customer service sort of work) I realized how mean I was to everyone who came in. Little kids who waved at me I'd glare at. One guy my age told me I had a nice shirt and I said a "Thanks" that really implied he should shut up. A poor high school girl got it the worse. I genuinely felt sick to my stomach later on reflection when I recalled just how nice she was being, and my glaring, total disregard.

Ok, end angst.

The problem is not "Why don't people like me", but essentially, how do I begin to care? I'm sooo far beyond the stage where I'm worrying about fitting in. Some part of me, deep down, recognizes that the way I am is wrong and that I need to change that.

So, there we go. What can I do to not be a prick? Please don't call me a prick or that I need to stop whining. First off, I know I'm a prick, and second, I think that if I was WHINING I'd be at a much better spot. Teach me how to whine. It'd show that I care.

Any suggestions?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

It's really ok, guys. I know I am an asshole and that I'm also not inherently depraved. So we're all good.

The thing I recognize with a lot of problems is that oftentimes it takes an indirect means of solving the problem to solve the problem. I appreciate all of you telling me that I need to just respond nicely, but I'm being honest - that's not going to happen. It's the automatic, "gut" response to tell some little kid to fuck off. Even though I've tried before to mend it either halfway through or after I've said something mean, the damage is still there. "Uh, I mean, I'm kidding!" tends to come off even worse.

So I do appreciate Megalith's advice to try to be honest. That is probably a lot of the problem.

I guess I'm also kind of wondering if you all think, however, what possible reasons for being a dick could be. Let's rule out the obvious (being a sociopath) and be more specific. It was suggested to me by someone that because I pretended to be a prick in high school, it became comfortable and usual to me and I became a prick. Which is possible.

Should I shut myself off from people or embrace them, in the meantime?

Originally Posted by mortis

With all that being said, have you considered what factors may be causing this? From what you have said, I am guessing there are some things that are giving this negative mindset. When you are negative and frustrated and so forth, you are likely to act in some of the ways you just described.

You should also consider taking a break. That will not solve everything but help a bit. Perhaps push yourself into some common interest groups and find a single person or two to hang out with and get close to. Not a huge 30 person group, but find one or two of them to hang out with. That will help you shake your feelings and perhaps give you some confidence and a 'change' if such is needed.

The only thing I can gather is that I am frustrated with school and the difficulty I'm having transferring to the university, but really, since a lot of kids go through with this I could just be a whiny bitch about that. Oh, yeah, and I don't have any friends anymore (that live near me), so I could be going through loneliness and snapping at everyone. Then again, that could be caused by my being a dick - I did acquire, about six months ago, a few friends that have since deserted me, with a clear enough reason why. (By the way, though I am being very understanding, when they stopped associating with me and even now my anger was sevenfold).

Also, finding "one or two" people is great, but I never know what anyone means when they say to "find a friend". Where, the local nerd hangout? I don't even know where the fuck those are, and besides, I hate nerds.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Dee

You say you're in a university, that's probably the easiest place to find people. You don't need a fricking "how to" book if you're already surrounded by people your age and with similar interests. Once you get into the workplace it'd be harder with all those middle aged people. If you want to find friends, stop being a prick. Who wants to hang around a prick? Do you?

I go to a community college and I'm having trouble transferring to a university. Just to point that out; almost all of my classes are middle aged. And, if you know the difference between a university and a community college, you understand that community college classes are almost always needlessly quiet. And, people try to spend as little time there as possible. In other words, it's not that easy to find people there.

And although I'm not completely a prick to strangers, it's just more unfriendly. There's levels in being a prick, of course. It's not that I'm amazingly rude to everyone I meet, it's more that I have amazing prejudice against entire groups of people (i.e. nerds as you pointed out) and therefore have a tendency to be distant if not cruel.

Quote:

Really, the most depressed and pessimistic people I've met are all baby boomer age. And they really do have reason to be. People under 25 or 30, I really don't see how their life stories can be nearly as bad as some I've heard from old people. You still have a lot of time unlike them.

I agree, and wonder what the hell is the problem with me for being so damn bitchy at this age.

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Argh! Although my feelings of alienation have increased, actually, since this post, I'm learning how to better mask the feeling externally, which is good.... I think. I don't know if that's good, actually, if only because we are a society who is obsessed with sharing our feelings, and I'm vaguely certain that masking feelings is bad, generally.

Are there places to meet people that is not school.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.