[Multiplatform] Castlevania: Lords of Shadow - Konami still makes non MGS games?

Watched a livestream of the final five or six hours.

Fuck this game. Fuck its dumb plot and dumber plot twists. Fuck its boring 3D realizations of beautiful 2D monster designs. Fuck its Ubisoft Prince of Persia platforming and its 90s adventure game puzzles. Fuck its repetitive orchestral score and insulting bullshit use of "Vampire Killer". Fuck the boss design. Half-fuck Patrick Stewart's ridiculous, overwrought and classless narration of each chapter (the actual writing is very likely not his fault). Fuck MercurySteam, fuck Konami, fuck Dave Cox, fuck Hideo Kojima, fuck the reviewers and fuck the fans.

I hope an international investigation is made into the development of this game, ultimately culminating with the environments and concept art being taken away and put with a foster game that can actually treat them right.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Ramenbetsu

I'm sorry this isn't another one of the several Igavanias you undoubtedly own.

I'm sorry, was this supposed to be some kind of cunning, insightful remark to cut down my criticisms like so many bamboo stalks?

I'm a fan of Castlevania as a whole, past and hopefully future. It's this particular pseudo-Castlevania in the present I take exception to, and not because I want to. Among those acquaintances who I regularly converse about video games with, I was about the only person who was actually hoping the game would turn out respectable despite trailers screaming "Epic!" and a questionable developer track record. I was actually hoping this game would turn out well, even though it wasn't my ideal way for the series to move forward (since it was certainly stagnating under the well-intentioned but clumsy hands of Igarashi).

But beyond the basic level at which the game is serviceable as entertainment and enjoyable to many (possibly even myself, in certain moods), it's a load of bullshit. It lacks an identity - it's Castlevania in names and small references only, but rather than try and make something of itself, it borrows liberally and unashamedly from many sources without ever trying to bring the parts together in a whole that can be described by any means other than a "did we put this in?" checklist.

Originally Posted by Denicalis

I need you to go ahead and take back any bad words you just spat about Captain Jean-Luc FUCKING Picard. He would be so diplomatic about your unbelievable slander that by the end you would be thanking him for inserting a Nausicaan into you. Show some god damned respect for the single greatest Captain the Federation has ever known, you plebe.

Other than that, toss some spoiler tags up there and explain about the story. Is it Other M levels of terrible? Or is it twist ending of the original Uncharted bad?

Expound, man.

I really don't want to say anything bad about Patrick Stewart. It's really not his fault that the narrative "excerpts" from Zobek's diary grow increasingly over-dramatic until eye-rolling becomes involuntary.

As for the spoilers, it's....well, for some people, it won't seem so bad. In the context of the whole story, things make.....well, video game sense, I suppose. But the last few hours really ramp up the dumb drama as it's revealed that...

HUGE SPOILERS

Spoiler:

Gabriel killed his wife! He was manipulated into it (and everything that previously happened in the game) by Zobek, who is one of the Lords of Shadow and wanted the power of the God Mask for himself. But then SATAN appears and reveals that he had been manipulating Zobek in order to get the God Mask for himself. Wearing the God Mask and absolutely nothing else except a mysterious black fog that hangs over his crotch, he challenges God but is beaten by Gabriel because good has to win. But Gabriel doesn't get his wife back and he is sad and his journey has been for nothing and he also has the Devil Mask which grants you evil power I wonder what he will do with it.

Then there's the post-credits scene, which starts out dumb, throws itself bodily into stupid, staggers so-idiotic-it's-glorious and then collapses under the weight of "are they fucking serious?"

Spoiler:

Some time after the game, Zobek is back and finds a mysterious vampire who has sealed himself in a church. It's Gabriel! And now he calls himself Dracul(a)! And Satan is going to be revived so they have to go fight him again! And Gabriel tries to attack Zobek and Zobek throws him out a stained glass window and it is 20XX and there are care and neon signs everywhere and apparently a thousand years have passed and Zobek says if Gabriel helps him fight Satan then he'll undo the curse of his vampiric immortality and seriously just watch it yourself:

YouTube - Castlevania Lords of Shadow Epilogue Teaser Cutscene

I realize I'm probably coming across as crazy, but I'm just so disappointed in how....silly this game is. It's far more ridiculous than the most cartoon-ish Igavania, but it doesn't seem self-aware in the slightest.

There's nowhere I can't reach.