This is my comment.
"Depressing Grey". First I thought that the story will go on with something concerning about the title. But in fact, it isn't. Maybe I'm being a bit subjective, but the title don't actually fit with the story.
As for the story, it's good and compact. I am amazed with the solid storyline and the richness of emotion and details in it. Although in my mind, I don't actually like stories about loving several girls at the same time, I found myself reading this twice to find out the real conflict and resolution. The story twist is good and turns out to be a bit unexpected.
The problem, however, only lies in one part. Your sentences sure are rich and detail, but in the other hand, it is too complex and some sentences even have a structure which don't really fit in. The vocabularies are somewhat colourful in a negative way; I imagine it to be typing a normal story and then replacing some words with its synonyms with Thesaurus tool, since some words are not used effectively.
Besides, some parts seem to be connected roughly. For instance, paragraph two and three seem to be unconnected at all since it takes a huge leap between the timeline. For one big part to the other, they suffer the same problem. And what's with the poems anyway? The truth is they are awkwardly disturbing and ornamental. Some proses don't need poems to be inserted, and this one is one of the examples. You may want to expand those short poems into a whole functioning paragraph telling events in a better way than:
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Quote:
Upon the alter
before the front door
I made my sacrifice
One kiss, to appease my other love.
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Quote:
I remembered yesterday
Afloat in the heavens
When we whispered
Our loves, our fears, and tears
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Quote:
Liquid sin, draining my thoughts
Filling my soul past the social limit
With the power between us
Embodying what we did that night
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The story has a good style; don't let these ruin it.
You may want to try writing a bit simpler structure, since a good story don't have to be a complicated one, but simply one which tells a good story with appropriate words, even though that means to let the words be simple.
Jam it back in, in the dark.
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Ozma