Sorry about being absent; I've been so busy to access Internet since these last five days.
So...
|
That said, here's my analysis of Witness Fallacy:
At the outset, the poem has a very interesting, very concrete structure. Each line save the last begins in exactly the same way, which draws attention to the ending (as it's different) and the second part of the lines (since readers quickly tune out the first few letters). There's real potential inherent in the form you've chosen.
However, I think that for various reasons this potential remains largely untapped. First, it's simply too long for the form you're chosen. Seeing the same line beginning thirty-five times is a bit much; there are probably at least 10 lines that can be safely cut. As it was, I found myself wanting to skim over some of the later lines to get to that final, different ending.
More important than that is the issue of what you're trying to convey. The last line indicates that the speaker is trying to view everything with a neutral eye; this is clearly not the case in the writing (many of the lines use very opinionated language like "lying" and "sneaking"). Is the speaker trying, and failing, to be neutral? If so, why? It's not clear what the overall point is meant to be, or what we as readers are supposed to feel. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to the individual lines; for example, we move from a clock to a hacker and a paparazzi to an egg. There's no sense that the poem is building to something, or even that the lines are connected (or if there is it was too subtle). As such, the piece seems more like a list than anything else.
I would say, working within this form, that you should cut down on the number of lines and really work at connecting them to each other and the idea that you're trying to convey. Ask yourself what you're trying to say with the poem, and then try to bring that out (or make it more accessible). I'd very much like to see another draft of this, since the form is something that's not seen often.
|
Well, what you said and what Matt said is basically through; the poem just wants to tell about someone's observation towards anything s/he saw during his/her life and made a list of life. S/he was in fact trying to be neutral while doing so, but s/he failed to do so. The last line indicates this.
|
Quote:
So I see myself now, for not trying to judge anyone with a false emperies and a fake hypothesis; to see myself as an eye
|
The last phrase indicates that after all the prejudice s/he made, s/he finally sees him/herself as an eye; s/he was just trying to be neutral after the whole long bland experiences; after knowing that s/he had been acting unneutrally.
This poem is to be bland, though it's true that this poem lacks connection between lines (but I must admit I intended to make it so). The truth is that most of my friends here said it was good, but I wasn't certain, so I decided to take a second opinion.
Sorry about the bland poem. I'll try better prose next time.
Most amazing jew boots
85242
35212
Ozma