Hello! I want some opinions about my novel in progress...

Okay, I just started reading it, but I'm wondering, how can you tell that a planet is ''tilting in at about 25 degrees''? According to what point of reference is it tilted?

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Of course, who cares for a planet? It only supplies the every need, fills the every want, and gives all else it has to offer. Who cares? It’s not as if it will ever STOP giving. It isn’t as if it will ever have nothing left to sacrifice for its greedy children. It’s not as if it won’t turn against them without knowing.

I wouldn't use all-caps words like that. Also, it's not as if, it isn't as if, it's not as if? Why not use the same form in all three instances?

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When the rains came with their fiery vengeance, he had decided that it would be better for the people to stop all outside activity that wasn’t completely necessary to life than for them to go one life as usual with burning carcasses in the streets.

I don't think I understand this sentence. Go one life as usual?

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The “browns”, as the people call it, were what marked the rains as the Rains of Fire that came every year to destroy what they had worked so hard for all before that.

It was what marked the rains as the rains came? This is a sort-of confusing sentence. I would personally write it something like this, maybe:

''The ''browns'', as the people called them, marked the Rains of Fire, which came every year, came to destroy all that they had been working so hard to achieve.''

It's still a bit clumsy, but I think the meaning is clearer.

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The fields would be stripped of its fruit before the Rains and the vines destroyed by the Fires.

Their fruit, no? Also, there should probably be a comma after ''Rains''.

The fields would be stripped of their fruit before the Rains, and the vines — destroyed by the Fires.

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She herself was so excited at the soon pending pain of labor that she failed to recognize the one person not celebrating.

I would say that ''soon pending'' is redundant (if you use the word in the sense of ''imminent'').

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Claudius Toxikov, the King’s uncle, had been bitter from the start. A tall, rugged, pale, and evil man, Claudius had learned to hate the king.

The ''don't tell, show'' mantra comes to mind. It's okay to tell that he was tall and pale, however it's very weird to just say that he was evil, right off the bat. Why is he evil? Show his actions that make him such, and the reader should be able to realize it, without it being pointed out so bluntly. Right now, it comes off like a fairy-tale with the ''evil'' witch.

Toxikov is kind-of a cheesy name, by the way (maybe that's just me). I understand that you wanted to make a reference to poison, but I think that's just too blunt.

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This, for obvious reasons, angered Claudius to such an extent as to quicken the old man’s death, which was greatly appreciated by the dying King. He then used his influence over his brother to guide the young child in the right way: his way.

He? It's not very clear whether you mean the dying King or Claudius.

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He pardoned murderers and condemned random people, simply because he wanted to

''Random people'' doesn't sound like it fits there. I'm not sure exactly what I would use to replace the phrase, but it doesn't match the style of your novel.

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Later he married her, much to Claudius’ dismay, as a handsome young man of about twenty, much more responsible than he was when he met her. Claudius was distraught.

Again, ''he'' should be replaced with ''Alexander'' for clarity (especially considering that you use ''he'' to refer to Claudius in the next paragraph).

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“Alexander will get his. He won’t make me miserable!” Claudius thought to himself. “It’s coming for him. I won’t let him get away with that,” he continued.

I wouldn't use ''he continued'' if he is only thinking it to himself. It's not like you can stop thinking for a moment, then continue — the stream of thought is continuous.

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She would sit in his lap and talk to him about how much she different things

She different things?

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and whether or not they stood a chance of being the dominant race of the universe.

I would just say ''whether''.

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/whether.html


*****

All in all, good job. The style is decent, the writing flows quite well. Also, I know I didn't say much about the actual content of the story, but I like the basic idea. It reminds me of Gankutsuou.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by neus

If you’re going to write, you better have a thick skin son. Whatever the hell this thing is, I am not going to waste any more of my time with it. Suffice to say, you need some major editing.

Heh, well this material certainly isn't going to be published, but considering his age, well. I would say that he writes a hell of a lot better than most fourteen-year-olds, so the potential is definitely there.

There's nowhere I can't reach.