Help me with my secret mission, operation chick-fake

Hey all you web-heads, I need help with an upcoming, top-secret mission. I can't divulge specifics, but I am going to have to dress up as a woman and go undercover for a very long while. (I may also have to wear a fat suit and/or fake being a different race - gotta check with the scenario boys and I'll keep you posted). Now I'm not a woman, so this is going to be a fish-out-of-water scenario for me that looks to be the action/comedy/suspense hit with investigation departments this summer!

My question to you is: how can I learn to act as realistically as possible like a woman, in the fastest ways possible? What resources should I consult and what preparation can I do? Keep in mind the mission is soon and it's very deep cover so I've got to get up-to-speed as quickly as possible on ALL aspects of understanding and acting like a chick. (Chicks call each other chicks, right?).

P.S. This wasn't posted in the sewers, despite the potential benefits, because of the results I knew it would unfortunately engender.

How ya doing, buddy?

Start caring about your appearance, both in your hygiene and in your manners. Also forget everything you know about not dating your friends' exes. Finally, if you spit, stop doing that.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

You're a scriptwriter for ABC, aren't you?

No, don't tell me. Big Momma's House 3? Hopefully you're black so you can pull it off.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

Start caring about your appearance, both in your hygiene and in your manners.

How? Means, boy, means are needed here. YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS THEM.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Imagine some way that you would like to look.

Now, obsess over attaining this impossible goal of your ideal, but do everything within your means to try to achieve it.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Uh, I don't know, make sure your nails are clean and also that you cross your legs while wearing a skirt. No one wants to see that thong.

Also burping is not ladylike.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Fjordor

Imagine some way that you would like to look.

Now, obsess over attaining this impossible goal of your ideal, but do everything within your means to try to achieve it.

Wow. You certainly have a skewed opinion of females, don't you?

I have plenty of advice, really. And this is coming from a woman. But before I divuldge any useful information, I want to know what this is for. And I don't want to hear the "top secret" nonsense.

But first and foremost - it's all in the thinking. Women FEEL in a much more general way than men. They think a lot with their emotions, and you'd need to do the same. Women are sensitive and intuitive naturally - moreso than men. Once you can FEEL like a woman, you can THINK like a woman.

The rest comes naturally.

FELIPE NO

It's called exaggeration, Sass.
No need to jump down my throat or make false charges.

I don't really believe any of that, but it makes for a good chuckle.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

get one of those small bags and fill it up with makeup! ^_^ and a comb...
and yea, care about your appearance

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Does no one see how surreal this is?

Do you really think you can look like a woman? I mean... hooow?

Besides... what for? What are you, a secret agent infiltrating Bin Laden's harem?:eyebrow:

This really doesn't make sense, and I would understand it's a joke... but why did you post it in The Quiet Place?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Just act like a man but take away reason and acountability.

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step one: get your hands on a time machine, one of those machines featured in so many of those Honey I Shrunk The Kids movies/shows/whatever, and a pair of x-ray glasses fashioned in the shape of the comic book age 3D glasses so nobody will know what they're for. covert!!

step two: warp back to the time (perhaps a few minutes before), and more importantly, the place of your conception and use the shrinking machine to become the size of a grain of sand. possible smaller. whichever works for you.

step three: equip your x-ray glasses. they're not really x-ray glasses, more like magical sciencey glasses that nobody's heard of before because they're really covert and top secret, but they'll help you differenciate which sex chromosome is being carried by the oncoming sperm, so you can more easily succeed at step four.

step four: kick ass chuck norris style on any and all incoming sperm that carry the Y chromosome. this will then allow the sperm with an X chromosome make it to the egg and create a female you instead of a male.

step five: go about life as a female until needed for this top secret mission. nothing's more convincing as a female than a real female.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

HAY GUYS HE'S A SPY =oooooooooo

(or, you know, a rookie police detective)

Seriously, though. Why are you not posting this on a cross-dressing or a transsexual website? I have certainly met queens that are way better at being a woman than I am. Ask someone who does it on a regular basis, they'd have better advice than we would.

Originally Posted by CetteHamsterLa

Just act like a man but take away reason and acountability.

love <3

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Watch the anime You're Under Arrest, and keep your eye on this character:
Aoi Futaba


'Cuz after all, anime is like real life.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Nobody's ever seen White Chicks?

That proves that men cannot look like women, even if hollywood is paying them to do so.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by J-Man

Nobody's ever seen White Chicks?

That proves that men cannot look like women, even if hollywood is paying them to do so.

No that proves that black men who do not have a physique resembling any woman cannot play a white woman. Though I highly doubt that the movie was doing cross gender/race in a serious manner.

I remember seeing something on the news about a woman who became a man for a book. I can't recall the name or the title of the book. Maybe someone else knows about it. It could be helpful in understanding what she did to become a man.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

But first and foremost - it's all in the thinking. Women FEEL in a much more general way than men. They think a lot with their emotions, and you'd need to do the same. Women are sensitive and intuitive naturally - moreso than men. Once you can FEEL like a woman, you can THINK like a woman.

What if he can FEEL a woman? Any closer that way?

Double Post:

Originally Posted by Umma

Does no one see how surreal this is?

Do you really think you can look like a woman? I mean... hooow?

Besides... what for? What are you, a secret agent infiltrating Bin Laden's harem?:eyebrow:

This really doesn't make sense, and I would understand it's a joke... but why did you post it in The Quiet Place?

Aren't you the confirmed racist?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by GRUN-3

Aren't you the confirmed racist?

Would *that* make this thread any less weird?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Quote:

Posted by nadienne
Seriously, though. Why are you not posting this on a cross-dressing or a transsexual website? I have certainly met queens that are way better at being a woman than I am. Ask someone who does it on a regular basis, they'd have better advice than we would.

Quoted for truth, as I believe the vernacular goes.

There are image consultants who do this sort of thing for a living. You can get a great deal of advice from them on how not to look like a man in a dress. If there's some serious reason why you need to do this, the investment will be worth it.

And a suggestion from me: wear a lot of chokers. Adam's apples are a dead giveaway.

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First of all, what kind of woman do you want to be? If you're going to pretend to be black then you may want to study some of their culture based on the people around you (even though I know geography can be drastic in behavior). Or, if you are going to pretend to be an overweight woman, then you need to analyze how they are treated and react to their situations. If I had more info on the kind of woman you want to play (ex. preppy, deep, gothic, comedic, tomboy, slut, brute, etc.) then I could possibly help you develop the acting formula I learned many times in class.

Originally Posted by Yamamanama

He's afraid he'll end up on a future edition of the Weekend Web and be humiliated.

Well, you could watch Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire and see how they do it. See, certain people are required to play in a cross-dressing role as some kind of rite of passage in the movie world.

I've never seen Tootsie, but didn't Mrs. Doubtfire get caught?

Originally Posted by J-Man

Nobody's ever seen White Chicks?

That proves that men cannot look like women, even if hollywood is paying them to do so.

Oh, there are some men that can look like women. Take a look at Michael Jackson (*I apologize to all Jackson fans for that statement*). He looks more feminine than a lot of my friends (and they look more So Cal than Butch too). I can use a different example if you like.

Originally Posted by Monkey King

And a suggestion from me: wear a lot of chokers. Adam's apples are a dead giveaway.

Yes and no. I've seen a couple of female celebrity vocalists with big Adam's Apple's. Granted, most women don't have Adam's Apples that are noticeable, but I've seen a few that do have visable ones...it's smaller, but they do.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Visavi

First of all, what kind of woman do you want to be? If you're going to pretend to be black then you may want to study some of their culture based on the people around you (even though I know geography can be drastic in behavior). Or, if you are going to pretend to be an overweight woman, then you need to analyze how they are treated and react to their situations. If I had more info on the kind of woman you want to play (ex. preppy, deep, gothic, comedic, tomboy, slut, brute, etc.) then I could possibly help you develop the acting formula I learned many times in class.

Hey guys, watch out, she's got expert information...she's an actress!

Quote:

I've never seen Tootsie, but didn't Mrs. Doubtfire get caught?

Tootsie got caught too. It's the basic rule of cross-dressing comedies that both in order for the hilarity to ensue, they must get caught eventually. Interestingly enough, they both ended up using their female counterparts to get steady T.V. work at the end of the movies.

Quote:

Yes and no. I've seen a couple of female celebrity vocalists with big Adam's Apple's. Granted, most women don't have Adam's Apples that are noticeable, but I've seen a few that do have visable ones...it's smaller, but they do.

Some men don't have prominent adam's apples either, so it may not be an issue for him.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by nadienne

Hey guys, watch out, she's got expert information...she's an actress!

Just because I said acting classes doesn't mean I'm in it to be an actress. However, I figured he would want to know the basic formula so he can act more like a convincing woman. He can take it or leave it, his choice. I don't know what you have against me wanting to help someone get into character, but whatever floats your boat.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Learn from the best.

http://www.cliphoto.com/social/harisu.htm

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Originally Posted by How Unfortunate

Hey all you web-heads, I need help with an upcoming, top-secret mission. I can't divulge specifics, but I am going to have to dress up as a woman and go undercover for a very long while.

D:

Now that's teasing us with the details.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

- Shape up your eyebrows
- Pretend to think everyone's baby/child is cute
- Don't chew with your mouth open (this includes gum)
- Get a manicure and for God's sake get a pedicure
- Don't take forever at an ATM
- Don't spit
- Don't scratch your ears and examine what comes out
- Don't take dumps in public restrooms
- Sit up straight in your chair
- Shave your legs and arms (women don't usually shave their arms, but you'll probably need to)
- Don't pick your nose in public
- Don't scratch your crotch

Jam it back in, in the dark.