College/High School Relationships

Looking for some thoughts on this subject. A couple of years ago I found myself in one of these, and it didn't end too well. Now, I'm looking the possibility of another one straight in the face.

So what do you see are the upsides and downsides to this? Obviously the age and maturity factors come into major play, as well as relational motivations. But assuming pure intentions as well as appropriate levels of maturity, does that make this a bad, ok, or good idea when seeking a real, genuine, long-term relationship? Does the guy older-girl younger factor mean anything or vice-versa?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

From my friends' experiences, I would not recommend it. The maturity difference between a college student and a high school student is much wider than between a senior and a junior in high school or in college. Even though the age gap is trivial, it's still risky. Especially since most high school students are still fully dependent on their parents. Also, I would feel as if there are less topics you can talk about with each other. I personally don't even want to step into high school again once you've hit college.

I don't think there is any more difference between a guy older/girl older relationship. I would just steer clear from high school x college relationships in general, since the college student is already in a different plane.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I'm bumpin' this, 'cause I could really use some help clearing up this muddy situtation that has my mind racing. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this particular subject in RL, so any thoughts would be appreciated.

Most amazing jew boots

I don't recommend this sort of relationship in particular, either. The gap between college and high school is too steep. A high school student would have difficulty adapting to a college student's friends and vice-versa. Plus, eventually, they might need to go their separate ways because after the high school student graduates, he or she might not want to go to the same college. In another case, the college student graduates and waits on the high school student before finding a career path and possibly missing the job they might want.

I suggest being pen pals until both of you complete your college plans. After college, there wouldn't be much separating you two except for the age difference (which shouldn't matter too much anyway) and distance. It'll also give you two some time to get to know each other.

How ya doing, buddy?

How well do you know the person? Based on personal experience, I wouldn't recommend a long-term relationship like this since college tends to change a person's way of thinking and seeing the world. Don't get me wrong, I've met some really awesome college people, but there are some acquaintances who one day would be wasting hours of my time listening to them debate about whether or not they should dump a perfectly good guy and then a semester later saying, "I'm sorry, but you shouldn't talk to me about problems that seem unimportant to me."

Do you all have similar goals not created by hopes of hooking-up? I have a friend that recently got married and her husband wants to attend a college in West Virginia. However, my friend knows of a graduate school in Virginia where they have the best laboratory and perfect program for her career choice, but she is torn because now she has to think about how this will affect her husband instead of thinking about her own plans. I know long-term doesn't mean marriage, but long-distance relationships are really hard to keep up and it's so easy for the guy to break up through e-mail and then disappear without closure.

If you are certain that he is the kind of guy you want to be with, then hang out a few times throughout his first semester to see if the feelings are still the same on both sides. I wouldn't agree to a long-term relationship right away, but a couple of dates couldn't hurt if you know the guy very well and go with another couple.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Visavi

...
long-distance relationships are really hard to keep up and it's so easy for the guy to break up through e-mail and then disappear without closure.
...

And isn't equally easy for the gal to break that way? :biggrin:

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

First off, I'm the guy, and she's the girl. She's the one in high school as a senior.

Here's the crux of the matter. I really am not worried at all for her sake, because if I was going out with this girl, she wouldn't have to even think about me breaking it up. That's just not something I'd do (without a massive change in who she is/what she values). One of my (many) relationship philosophies is that there are pro's and con's with every person. The only way to figure out if there should be a relationship is if the pro's mean so much to you, that they will ALWAYS out weigh whatever cons may come up. And even if she lost those pro's, I'd do everything to help her get back to where she was. To me, she is that kind of girl. One worth investing my life into. So I would definitely plan on keeping her.

She on the other hand, might have college to look into (either in the area or out) and God knows what else. I'm the one that could potentially end up with the short end of the stick. She has the potential of going places whereas I'm already in the place of my future, doing what I love. She does know that I'm gonna be here, and that I really couldn't leave. So I'm sure she knows what she's getting into.

It's kind of complicated, but let me try to explain the context a bit. I volunteer help with an AA/NA recovery group thing on thursday nights. Her parents (good friends of mine) are long since recovered and are the ones that are running/starting this thing (25-40 addicts a week!!). So I've been seeing a ton of her since this started in April, and she's been helping me out with some of the work. The context of where we are kinda leads to really deep conversations and matters of the heart being talked about. So we have this real strong connection building. We had another conversation the other night, and I can tell that she is starting to think about the possibility of "us". I'm at the place in my life where I'm ready for a serious, long-term (leading to marriage) relationship (she knows that too). So.....

Basically, I just don't know what to do. She is an INCREDIBLE girl, with a real heart for people and she has a light "sassy" streak in her that is adorable. And, she is just beautiful. So this in my mind, is not one to lose. But on the other hand, it'd be very awkward (sp?) and hard to try to "officially" date while she's at school. The best solution to that in my mind is just continue building the relationship over the school year, not in an "official" capacity. The problem with that is that if I don't have some kind of commitment from her, that may leave me in the dust when in comes to her potential college future. And I really don't want to spend 9-12 months building this relationship (and getting more heart invested in it) only to lose it because of her needing to move where I can't go.

I hope this makes more sense, and I really don't want to go into too many more of the details. I guess the question is, is the risk worth it? There is a lot of potential risk on my part with this one, and I don't know if I want to do that. In general, I think she is really worth a risk, but son-of-a-gun, I don't want such a risky relationship! It'd be nice to have a good reliable one for once.

Any more words?

FELIPE NO

These may seem like "duh" questions to ask but...

How many years are you away from graduating college? Have you talked to her about this conundrum? Finally, when do you plan on getting married in the long-term (rough estimate is fine)?

I figure some of the answers may help me in dispensing advice.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I'm pretty much out (couple parttime credits/already walked) and internshipping/working exactly where I want/need to be. No, I haven't talked to her about it, I'm trying to think ahead as in I know the relationship is building fast, so I'd like to think it out first before having the DTR talk (define the relationship). When do I plan on getting married? Well, generally the sooner the better, however, financial constraints might be in the way for about the next year. So in the next 1-3 year range.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

You should probably start the DTR talk as soon as possible. I'm not saying you should rush the talk, by any means. I'm saying it will be an awkward situation for her if you explain your feelings to her on the relationship if she already decided on going to a college that's distant. Talk to her about your job, marriage, and overall future. She needs to know what sort of situation the both of you are in before she plans on a future or final commitment. You also need to listen to what she has to say. Make sure she knows her opinions matter, too. Basically, you two need to find a realistic compromise for the upcoming years.

I'm still not completely for this relationship, but I hope the advice helps.

Most amazing jew boots

Originally Posted by Identity Crisis

I'm still not completely for this relationship, but I hope the advice helps.

Yeah, obviously there's alot of red flags and just good reason for hesitation ya know. That goes without saying...

But its hard to throw away something that seems right. When you really connect with someone on this kind of level, and there is mutual attraction, its sooo hard to turn your back on it. I would definitely be shutting it down if this didn't seem like a special case... I just don't know.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Okay, now that I've read your situation, it seems more than the usual high school/college relationships I've seen. Since you really think that she's worth the effort, I would go for it instead of regretting the rest of your life not.

In this case, it may seem reasonable to keep the relationship. I have friends who are in long distance relationships themselves. One of whom is actually in Korea (she is an international student studying at my uni). Another one of my friends is in a great relationship with someone from her hometown in Mexico. He is some lawyer or something. Without going into details, it all boils down to communication. Both ends of the relationship have to put in the effort to stay in touch, otherwise expect it to fall. Ask yourself if you think it's worth it (I think you will say it is). I would just then go for it.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Ok, I apologize for all the misconceptions in my last post. I'm used to women talking about whether or not they should date older guys. I say go ahead, but don't rush off to the altar after she graduates high school. I've seen too many of those relationships fail or the people regret it years later.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Well, we got through the week .

I have seen her quite a few times, and you can feel it. We both are drawn to each other and we dont want to hold ourselves back because of the age-status difference. But you can't really run from that barrier. People sure notice the whole "college guy talks to HS girl alot" thing though.

With what has transpired over the past few days, I think it's best to let this potential relationship simmer under the surface. This way, nothing gets ruined, and if there is really something there, we should be able to let it simmer a school year. I will have to be very careful to not let it slip into a "friend's only" relationship. It seems this course of action is best.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Well, just be sure that it's what you want and what'll be good for you. And hm... about the marriage in 1-3 years thing, that might freak her out a little if you actually go ahead with the plan. o.O I mean, she is afterall only a senior in high school, and she still has college and all. I don't know about your culture there, but the culture here is more of "marriage only after graduating from university". So yea...

Good luck with whatever you plan on doing anyway. ^^

FELIPE NO

I was in one, and it turned out terrible. the mentality changes really quickly, especially if from a small town where being Naive is more common. Bigger cities make you see the world in a different manner, and if the other is in High School, the change is noticable very quickly. About a couple months.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

College and High school relationships are almost the same. Except a few things

1.College relationships have a better understanding of the definition of love and lust. College students can tell the difference most high schoolers can't

2.High school love is more like lust.They're attracted to a person by looks before even talking to the person.Most of the time its mainly ghetto kids because the music they listen to implies that looks are the first thing you're suppose to judge by but other types of teens have done this too.Atleast that's how it is here because its an urban enviroment where i live

That's about all i can come up with now.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Just so you all know, the whole situation kinda went to hell in a hand basket. Not that its a disaster, but more that its gonna be me wanting her, around her alot, and not able to have her. So more of a living hell where it just sucks.

Thanks all round for your advice! If you want to keep commenting on HS/College relationships feel free.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I just went through the same thing, actually.

After losing my fiancee of three and a half years I met someone else that I really connected with who happened to be, well, much too young for me. Anyway, I can safely say everyone above was right; it doesn't really have a tremendous chance of working out (as you apparently learned?) because younger people seldomly know what they really want in life and can tend to be fairly fickle with their feelings. Oh well. You live and learn, right?

Most amazing jew boots

It wasn't that necessarily. Just the situation can't call for me pursuing her. Which like I said, leaves me waiting for her (age-wise and other-wise). And when you can't take the initiative as the guy, you are pretty much screwed, cause girls don't stick with a man without security of the relationship, unless they are desperate attention whores.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

True enough. That pretty much sums up entirely what I'm going through also... a waiting game I am pretty sure I will lose. (pessimism for the win?) I doubt she will wait that long for us to be together and there's no reason for me to get my hopes up for otherwise. I dunno. It's just kinda amusing to me to see someone else my same age with the same (general) issue. =)

I was speaking idiomatically.

I really tend to think that the age seperation issue is more of a concern now just because of societal structure rather than the age/maturity level. The whole must-go-to-high-school-and-then-college idea keeps people from growing up and becoming responsible. Just look at colleges and tell me there aren't a ton of people free-riding it with negligence being their guide. Can you say deferred student loans?

If college wasn't such an expectation in our culture, I think HighSchooler's would grow up alot faster. Right now, most people don't "hit the real world" until 21-22. And they don't mature cause they dont have to.

That's one thing I like about the girl I'm into. She's been through ALOT in life, and accordingly, she has a great maturity at her age.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

You're lucky. I don't think this girl has been through that much, rather she is pretty sheltered from her parents and isn't even allowed the same freedom most people get. It's one of the things keeping us apart is her fear of what her parents will do to me if they find out we are (or want to be) together. I've actually known her a long time, which probably just makes it come across as a little creepy but I can't help that. We were never close until now, though. I'm not a pedophile. At least, I hope I'm not. =/

I do agree with you, too... but the fact is things are the way they are and theres nothing you can do to change it. Maybe you'll have better luck than me, though. Just cause something doesn't work for one person doesn't mean it can't for another; and it isn't even a guarantee it won't for me it's just waiting, without the ability to take initiative like you said is very likely to kill the possibility and it sucks. A lot.

FELIPE NO