GFF Literary Workshop: Week 9

Welcome to the rotating literary workshop here at GFF. Each week will feature a new piece of member-written literature for you to critique and constructively criticize. Download and read the work at the bottom of this post, and offer your comments! The event will continue as long as there are submissions in the queue, so be sure to nominate and participate!

Comment Rules
There are no rules per se, but all comments are expected to be mature and within the bounds of common decency. The key is to be as helpful as possible to allow the author to improve their work.

Each work will be open for comments for one week, starting on Monday and ending on Sunday.

Submission Rules
The workshop is open to any and all GFF members; simply post in the thread and ask to be added to the queue. New participants are automatically placed at the top of the queue to allow them a week to prepare a submission.

Please send all submissions to orion_mk2@yahoo.com. Be sure to include your GFF username, preferably in the subject line. Submissions can be sent at any time, and will be held until your next turn in the queue.

Length
Submissions are limited to prose (stories) for the time being. They should be no less than 500 and no more than 5000 words long.

This is just a guideline; submissions slightly over the limit may be allowed. Sections of longer works are also permitted.

Format
Submit work in .doc, .txt, .rtf, or .pdf format.

Submissions don't have to be written especially for the workshop; feel free to submit anything you've got lying around already.

Queue:
Acro-nym
Ozma
Phone
The Wise Vivi
Ayos
Helloween
Dark Nation
Lycanthrope
Smelnick
Matt
RainMan
orion_mk3

People in bold have submitted work for their week. If you have not submitted anything by the time your week begins, you will be moved to the bottom of the queue and the next participant who has submitted will go.

This Week's Submission
God's Knees by orion_mk3
Prose, 2300 words

Most amazing jew boots

Due to the holiday and my own hectic schedule, this week has been extended until Monday, Jan. 7, when Week 10 will begin on schedule.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Yeah seriously, I downloaded the file like the second day the thread was open but I've been busy with Work and Games and other holiday shit.

I'll try and get a review in this weekend

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I just read the story.

First of all, I am appreciative of the injection of subtle humor into the last sentence of the opening paragraph. There is a balance to strike between writing something that is too over the top to keep a serious story going in the right direction, and being too dry that the joke comes across flat. I feel this was a good way to start the story out on the right foot. What I would have liked would've been a bit more of that type of humor shown in intervals to keep that sense of comedic flow going on. Comic relief is always welcome. (especially when exhibited following the presentation of conflict)

I also like how you've incorporated real-world mythology into the story-telling to provide an anchor of believability to the story. References to old tribes of the world and such is nicely done.

The conversational qualities between the characters is well done. I like how each character holds within expectations of normal everyday conversation.

On the crits, the character name of 'Karibu' is a bit farfetched for an actual persons name, even in Africa.

Also, much of your terminology might be a bit advanced/detailed for most, which makes it more difficult for a lot of people to grasp what is going on. This is no fault of your own, but speaking to many different kinds of people is very important in a novel. Some times brevity is an acceptable course in regards to jargon. However, you may not want to communicate this story in a condensed manner and if so, feel free to disregard this comment. It is just a thought.

In short:

Pros: Your illustrative use of visual description is well suited to this story. (or any story for that matter) so well done there. The conversations, in my eyes, were quite believable.

Cons: The blood and guts of the story didn't seem too 'grabbing' to me. It seems to be about a woman who wants to get in touch with her past. This seems a bit cliched to me.
Also, I never got the sense that there was any real conflict in this story. Conflict will 7/10 make both story and characters more interesting. The reader has a need to learn the way the characters work emotionally and psychologically, and what better way to do that than to throw a bit of adversity at them to see how they will respond? Just a thought.

Cool man.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Thanks for your response! A few quick notes:

Originally Posted by RainMan

On the crits, the character name of 'Karibu' is a bit farfetched for an actual person's name, even in Africa.

I agree. On page one she says she changed it, and the unlikely name is supposed to represent her naivete.

Originally Posted by RainMan

Also, I never got the sense that there was any real conflict in this story.

The conflict that I set out to establish was the protagonist's expectations (as indicated in her first conversation) with the reality (which she learns from the native guide). Maybe it's too subtle as written.

Originally Posted by RainMan

Also, much of your terminology might be a bit advanced/detailed for most, which makes it more difficult for a lot of people to grasp what is going on.

Could you give a specific example? I think I'm too close to the material to tell for myself.

I was speaking idiomatically.