Tough times

Have any of you been through hard times in a relationship but still managed to salvage it in the end? If so, what was the big deal and how did you go about it?

I'm not just asking this out of the blue, obviously... but rather than advice concerning my own situation, I'm mostly just looking for ways to put it into perspective. So please, do share your experiences if you will.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by ♪^___^♪

Have any of you been through hard times in a relationship but still managed to salvage it in the end? If so, what was the big deal and how did you go about it?

I'm not just asking this out of the blue, obviously... but rather than advice concerning my own situation, I'm mostly just looking for ways to put it into perspective. So please, do share your experiences if you will.

I'm certainly not an expert when it comes to relationships, so take this with a grain of salt.

But I always find that in a situation where I can compromise or sacrifice to meet someone halfway, I will. It's a give and take, sometimes more than 50% on one side at times. Compromise is a big resolver in my experience.

It really depends on your situation. What's the trouble? Will you share?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Well, it's hard to say, as we don't know what your situation is. When I've had bad times in relationships I've asked myself if I really need this person and how much I'd be willing to sacrifice to get it all better again. As Sassafrass said, it's a lot about compromising and how much you're willing to sacrifice to go through with it. Being in a relationship is about getting along and being able to make compromises to each others personal will, and it can be very hard at times to do so. If it's too hard to get along, I would move on if I were you.

It'd be easier to help if you told us a bit more about your situation. But that's for you to decide if you want to tell us.

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Originally Posted by Sassafrass

What's the trouble? Will you share?

I would but I'm not sure myself. It's more of a general feeling that things, somehow, are going downhill: arguments over the silliest things and defensive reactions are quickly becoming a habit, whereas sweet talk and signs of affection are reaching an all-time low. It's been a week like that, and I find it worrysome that this should happen now, not even a month into the relationship.

I would gladly compromise but I don't know what's expected of me. Despite numerous attempts, talking has accomplished very little so far.

I don't really want this to become the thread's main topic, though. As I said, I'm mostly looking for others' experiences to ponder.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Well, the essential thing is to be able to keep the temper from flaring. I don't know if you guys got into any really messy arguments, but I find being able to keep myself from getting too emotional really helps to clear the air and get a grasp on the situation. You'll notice that it'll go both ways, as a person can't really keep shouting forever when the other person is calm and speaks in a normal manner. Also, if you have to share something in the other person's behavior which you don't like, be VERY careful of the way you say it, as a single misplaced word can bring about a whole lot of unnecessary fighting.

Getting the other person to talk about what it is exactly that is bothering them is also required. I don't know the person you speak of, but my experience so far has been that girls do have a tendency to get stuck on little things that they expect you to figure out by yourself and it can be hard at times to get these things to be put into the light. Behaving in the way I stated above certainly helps.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I (also) don't feel comfortable sharing any uh, "interesting" stories but I can say this--aside from compromise, the thing that I really learned over time was to forget and move on easily.

In the past one mistake I've often made is I've tried to reconcile differences, or "solve" arguments. Most of the time this doesn't do any harm and can even help a bit. But sometimes, there's just nothing to solve, it was just an argument. Bringing it up just makes it worse.

At some point, you're going to fight. At some point, you're going to really hurt each other, perhaps even physically. When these things happen, and my firm belief is they they happen in every passionate relationship, you have two choices: leave if you think it's gone too far, OR stay. And that means letting it go, in some form. If you stay in a relationship but hold a grudge against the person you're with, it's just not gonna work out, and you're just delaying the inevitable, and probably hurting yourself psychologically while you're at it. (Conversely, if you're in a relationship with someone who holds a grudge against you, get out. That's never gonna work.)


EDIT: I took a long time to write that, so I didn't see your post. My experience with that kinda thing I am able to share, actually. One of the first "serious" relationships I had was like that in the months before it ended (I guess that's the opposite of what you want in this topic, but that's just the way it went). We still shared loving moments but they were few and far between, and we just didn't match very well in any way. We had some very ugly, venomous arguments (some were actually written on a piece of paper that we moved back and forth cause saying the words was too much) and in the end, she cheated on me.

More than anything, I feel we just oversaturated on eachother's presence and just got sick of it. I think that if we had given each other more space, and hadn't taken what was in fact a very frivolous relationship so seriously, we might still be together now. In fact we still get along quite well, as far as ex-girlfriend-friends go.

I don't know if you're living together with the girl or if you see each other a lot, but maybe you're being too clingy. That's one thing that tends to drive girls away, even in the long run. Perhaps some measure of space would be good, or alternatively, you can try doing what you did when you started dating. That's one thing I'm sure caused the breakup for me, I definitely became much too dependent on her.

Having said that, I don't really know how much I learned from that whole relationship experience, other than what a vagina looks like!

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haha... god, surasshu, you just pretty much described my last relationship too (first one, though it's been on and off a few times). I definitely got too dependent on her, too, because I'm suffering some serious relationship withdrawal. You shouldn't really need another person to feel happy with yourself, but I sure do right now. I feel like absolute shit without her and I know that's not a good/right/normal way to feel.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by ♪^___^♪

Have any of you been through hard times in a relationship but still managed to salvage it in the end? If so, what was the big deal and how did you go about it?

I'm not just asking this out of the blue, obviously... but rather than advice concerning my own situation, I'm mostly just looking for ways to put it into perspective. So please, do share your experiences if you will.

Everyday, I do.

I just look forward to the next day, and try to make some positive come out of some negative.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

You may be onto something there, surasshu. I'm not clingy (I'm pretty much the polar opposite, actually), but we do get to spend a lot of time together. We're both piano students at the same conservatory, and neither her nor I can really practise at home so we pretty much have to spend the best of our days (8:30-21:45 in some cases) there. Wednesday is the only day in the week where we typically don't see each other.

The thing is, the time spent at the conservatory isn't exactly time spent together, per se; we know a lot of people, we have classes, lessons, practising to do... our days are stressful at best, and our breaks are few and far between. If/when we stay at my place for the night, we'll usually come home so late and tired that eating and sleeping will be well higher on our priority list than, say, having a good time together. If nothing is done, the pattern is bound to loop until the Christmas holidays, and to resume as soon as school will.

I don't know if that's the actual reason behind our current situation, but it certainly isn't helping.

I'll definitely find out more tomorrow, though. This morning she returned my call with an SMS saying she was sick and wasn't coming today, and that she'd "need to talk to me tomorrow". Whatever comes of it, it's a positive step, as it had seemed until now that I was the only one noticing (or admitting...) the issue and trying to solve it.

Who knows, I'm expecting the worst (and I bet I'm going to lose sleep over it), but I might be surprised.

Additional Spam:
Addendum: apparently, I have it all wrong, and it's much worse than I thought. More on that tomorrow...

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Yes, I definitely have had hard rough times. My relationship (and now marriage) is intercultural which means there are tons of misunderstandings, cultural differences, etc.

I think for us, ultimately, our love for one another got us through it. Even when I am angry at her, I still love her (then as my GF, now as my wife). I think that is what you might want to begin thinking about...the bottom line...do you love this person. What about in ten years? THirty?

Some of it just takes time. A lot of time. Both in getting use to the other person's quirks (and vice-versa) and them being able to find out the things that REALLY annoy us, and to work on those things.

Someone has mentioned giving enough space. Have you done that? Space is invaluable. Everyone needs space and sometimes those little arguments are due to having a lack of space.

Edit: Whoops, I missed the last post....sorry about that. Hope things work out...

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Just my 2 and a half..

I found when my relationship ended with my fiance..it helped tremendously not to BE in the same environment that we shared. I moved on campus rather than off, got a new job, and visited old friends that I hadnt when I was with her. That helped bc after a breakup/divorce whatever..everything reminded me of her when I was in the same places that we shared.

Of course, its a little harder if you go to the same high school or college..

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Windsong

Just my 2 and a half..

I found when my relationship ended with my fiance..it helped tremendously not to BE in the same environment that we shared. I moved on campus rather than off, got a new job, and visited old friends that I hadnt when I was with her. That helped bc after a breakup/divorce whatever..everything reminded me of her when I was in the same places that we shared.

Of course, its a little harder if you go to the same high school or college..

This is true and it's a large part of why girls cut their hair/change their style after a breakup. But don't prepare him for what to do after a breakup yet, that's a little too early!

As far as spending too much time together, it sounds more like the time you DO spend together (as in, really together) isn't really all that fun since you're so tired. I know that college is super important (as it was for me), but perhaps you should sacrifice it just a little bit to take her out and do some nice things with her. You may not even have to take it very far, just do something that you used to do when you were just going out like a walk in the park, or going to the coffeeshop where you met, you know, whatever. It might just rekindle the romance.

But still, sometimes it just don't work out. In fact the last relationship I was in I really couldn't explain WHY I didn't feel anything for the girl anymore after a couple months of being together, and this made it very hard to break up. She really hadn't done anything wrong other than becoming extremely clingy as I started pulling away (which made me pull away more), but I just lost any feelings I had for her. I didn't even think of her as a friend, just a complete blank. Very strange because we had had an extremely passionate relationship for those months. (I assume your relationship is a bit more substantial than what amounts to a fling of a few months, but it's just to illustrate the point.)

Well anyway... Good luck dude, here's hoping it'll work out awesomely!

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?