Roommates

So, roommates; you either love them or hate them.

Personally, I can't stand my roommate. This is for a plethora of reasons.
For starters, before we moved in together, we made rules. No smoking in the house, besides your bedroom, tell the other person if you have friends over, clean up after yourself, etc. Well, he breaks the smoking rule all the time, and as someone who doesn't smoke and doesn't wish to be subjected to second hand smoke and as someone who doesn't want their shit--ie futon--to smell like smoke, this pisses me off. I always tell him when I have friends over. He knows that every friday, Ness, Tande, Tyler and Lars come over after No Shame. I tell him every week. He brings friends over at random times. It doesn't bother me, it just bothers me that he expects me to follow this rule, but doesn't believe that he should have to follow it.

I asked him for three weeks to get the lease--I don't have much of a chance since I work full time and am a full time student--and he never did. So, I used my paycheck as proof of address to get our P.O. Box and then he gets mad at me when I tell him I'm not going to give him a key until I feel that he's done something to deserve it. (Okay, that's not the best thing, but I was really pissed.) And then he goes on and tells me that the only reason he never got the lease was because I don't wake him up every morning. Excuse me, but I'm not his mother. I get up at 9am and go to bed at 2am every day. (school/work) and I do it by myself, he doesn't get up until 2pm and then goes to bed at 2am-ish)

He made this rule about how if we want to have our "own" food we have to label it and keep it in our rooms. Well, the first month I spent $70 in groceries for both of us. He got his next paycheck and decided he wasn't going to get groceries. So I spent $15 and got myself a months worth of food. Then he got pissed and said I had to share it with him because it wasn't fair that I had ramen, etc.

Now, he's getting all mad because I don't do my dishes everyday. The kicker? He doesn't either. This week has been really busy for me and I admit, I did let them pile up. But I even said, "Hey, I've been busy, I'll get them cleaned up at the latest by Saturday." Because I mean, hey, I don't like them there either. And I got home from school yesterday and he tells me I have to clean up the house if I want friends over. (lol mom, right?) And I do, I pick up some stuff and then I head off to work.

Well, my friends come over and he treats them terrible. I mean, he's a real jerk. Ask Tande or Ness. I was embarassed, in fact I cried after they left. (In my room, not in front of my roommate.) But anway, after they left he yelled at me and said, "I thought I told you to clean up." And went on about how he cleaned for four hours. Which is fine, it's his prerogative, but that doesn't mean I didn't clean up and make it look presentable. My friends and I had planned to play my genesis when we got to my house, but my roommate was like "No, I'm watching Vh1". You know forget the fact he has a tv with cable in his own room. Apparently it was to punish me for not doing the dishes.

And they saw my new kitten Plato. And I said, "Yeah, that's my cat." And my roommate got all mad and said, "It's not YOUR cat." And said it was play-doh, etc. He and I have already been through this. It isn't OUR cat. Just like his dog isn't OUR dog. At the end of the day, when I move out the cat is coming with me, and I really am getting pissed off with his whole "everything is OURS" diatribe. (sp?) I just want to yell at him and say, "No, nothing here is 'ours'. There is stuff that is yours that you're letting me use, and there is stuff that is mine that I'm letting you use." Honestly, I think he's just pissed because everything is mine. Literally. We'd have no furniture, nothing if it weren't for me.

Anyway, that's just a short rant on my roommate(I could go on, believe me. Just ask Qube.)

I was curious about your guys' experiences or if you had any suggestions. For the record, I'm extremely non confrontational and don't say anything to my roomate a lot of times because I'm afraid of him being angry at me and making living here worse. (For the record, not my boyfriend. Just my best friend. (he's gay) Well, ex-best friend. I've hated him for a while.)

How ya doing, buddy?

Oh, lordy, he sounds like a one-man entitlement festival. I feel for you.

You know. You should tell him that there's no "our" in the equation, because it's not like you have some kind of commitment to him - like a long-term relationship or a marriage. So, it's well within your rights to tell him not to assert ownership over things that aren't his. ( It shows how entitled he is, if he feels like your cat is also his cat - I mean, wtf. )

If you're non-confrontational - well, you're going to have to learn to be less so. It might help to look in between his eyes instead of right at him (it gives the illusion of looking at his eyes.).

And eventually, move into another living situation. 5 dollars says that he'll try to stop you from moving away from him, so stand firm.



(Seriously, the whole "our" thing sounds very strange to me. I don't know him, but if I were forced to analyze him, I'd say he's trying to dominate you.)

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Sleep with him, that'll solve all your problems. Lord knows it solved all of mine!

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Shit dude, sounds like you got yourself a boyfriend!

Be more vocal. Tell him to fuck off when he over-steps his bounds as a roommate. Sit him down and re-define the rules. Get rid of this bullshit communal grocery bill, it's obvious that he can't pull his weight. As for the dishes, pull your weight, and make it a house rule to not leave them in the sink.

Chew him out over that bullshit he pulled, man. Tell him that it's YOUR fucking cat, not his. Tell him that if he's that rude to your friends again, you'll fucking pummel him.

You have a choice right now. You can air your grievances and try to repair the friendship and make new rules to help both of you, or you can find a new living arrangement that doesn't include him. Whatever you do, don't sit on this shit anymore. Being non-confrontational only makes all your problems get worse and worse. What's worse, a confrontation that might lead to an ended friendship, or living in a house with someone who doesn't respect your space and ownership? Think about it. If you tell him that he's making life hard for you, and he reacts by making life harder for you, what reason do you have to stay?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

He's attempting to control you, it would seem. Unfortunately, it seems that it is working.

You seem like an easy-going person and he is taking advantage. Not cool. You don't owe him anything.

You are very unhappy with him as a roommate, correct? Do you think he is the kind of person who will respond well to criticism? I would attempt to be honest with him and tell him you are dissatisfied both with his company and his ability to show you respect. That's kind of key with roommates to be able to find a means to respect each others wishes.

If that can't be done, it might be time to move on. I agree with Night Phoenix. Don't sit on this shit.

How ya doing, buddy?

NOT NIGHT PHOENIX!!!!



What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

He sounds like he's in love with you, I have to say. I assumed you were a guy until the "crying in my room" bit, at which point I started having doubts.

Anyway, I've only lived for a very short period together with a girl, but it wasn't really a roommate situation. I needed a place to sleep cause I basically couldn't take it anymore at home, and she offered. I didn't have any stake in the house other than that I paid a small part of the rent, and practically no possessions of mine were ever present at her place. It was very much her place that I was a paying guest in.

It got awkward pretty quickly after I found out she was, well, really into me. And weird about it. I was seeing someone at the time (which complicated matters on both ends, cause the girl I was seeing became very jealous of the girl I was living with, understandable I guess).

She, just like this roommate you described, started thinking of things as common possessions, but the thing was she bought them. They were 100% hers and I made absolutely no claim otherwise, I never said the TV was ours. She did. It made me uncomfortable but I'm not really one to start an argument with someone who is keeping you from living in a cardboard box on the street, so I just let it slide or made a casual remark about it, trying to play it down a bit.

I basically slept on a mattress in the living room which was fine. But occassionally she would try to get me to sleep in her room or she would "come home drunk" and sleep in my bed. It'd be really hot if I was at all into her, but she was an A-cup with more boobs than brains.

There were other things, but you get the basic idea.

Anyway, it was a pain for about 3 months, haha. After that I went crawling back to my parents and begged them to forgive me for my sins.


As for solutions to your problems, I pretty much agree with Night Phoenix X. I didn't exactly deal with it in an exemplary manner myself though (to this day, I never told the girl that I just wasn't/am not remotely attracted to her).

FELIPE NO

For the record--Not dating. He's gay.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Why don't you move out? Rather than stressing, getting mad, and crying each day, you could be living happily in your own place.

If you really want to stay with the guy, you need to be more confrontational or else your life will remain a living hell.
I hate people who think they can order you around like you are their own personal servant. Jokingly or not, it's fucking degrading.

You really need to see eye to eye to each other and understand each other's expectations of each other. If you guys fail to do that, then things will never get better for you.
If you do come to a resolve, but things gradually go back to the way they are now, fuck it. Leave, because things will just cycle over and over.

Weigh your pro's and con's of staying. And as the comedian Russell Peter's would say, "Be a MAN! Do the right thing!"

Oh, and save the kitty.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

There's this crazy thing called a binding contract, also known as a lease.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

How long do you have left?
Maybe you should turn things around and make his life a living hell ^_^

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Be truthful with him and tell him everything you said here. It doesn't really matter if you hurt his feelings, you don't like him anymore anyway. Also be firm about it. If you wanna move out, tell him that you're moving out when the lease is up and that while you both are living there he's gonna follow the rules until you leave. That means smoking, food, dishes, and being fucking friendly when you have people over. Use examples of what he's done wrong, and back them up with the rules you laid out before moving in.

If you feel like it, then follow up with how he's been acting has all but destroyed your friendship with him, and that it pains you to have to talk to him like this.

BE FIRM. BE TRUTHFUL. BE DIRECT.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Pretty much agree with what's been said here. Just tell yourself that there's nothing to be afraid of.

Anyways, I haven't had terrible room-mates, but they weren't the best either. In my freshman year I shared a room with someone, and sophomore year was with two friends (I shared a room with a girl, and the other one had a room to herself). They were a bit dirty, and invaded my space a lot, but otherwise, they were pretty nice.

Good luck with everything; hopefully next time you'll find a better room-mate!

I was speaking idiomatically.

I'm not sure, but I was always under the impression that you could buy out your lease early, if you needed to get out sooner. You just have to weigh the costs. Also, if he's being such a bitch, then just refuse to let him use any of your stuff. Draw that line very clearly, and see if he shapes up after that. You said he had jack himself, so why the hell are you the weak one in this relationship?

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Draw a line down the middle of the apartment.

I've heard this works.

FELIPE NO

Seriously, you and Kody need to set up some disciplines for your rules. What are rules without discipline?

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Better tips: Tie him up and brick him in a closet. That works expectedly fine.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

My roommate & I were the odd couple, I was the neat one he was the messy one.
We had one rule, wait we had no "rules" just a prevailing attitude to keep things cool.

We were bros and even to this day his mom praises me for helping to clean her boy up.
He hates that.

Yeah he was messy and many other negative things but at least he knows how to be a loyal & responsive.

Its been over 10 years and we are still good friends.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Yeah, we're not allowed to sublet. At least that's what the owner said, but I am thinking about talking to them again and explaining the situation.

Kody and I have already gotten into a big fight--it was a few weeks ago--and it didn't change anything, so I know tell him what's up probably won't do anything except make him mad. I'll probably tell him that I'm moving out after I already have someone to replace me.

Right now the difficult part is finding an apartment I can find. Then again, my mom said that she'd help me out with rent if I really needed it, so maybe I will look into a new place that's just by myself.

How ya doing, buddy?

I've made some awful mistakes in this department. I was a hasty and rebellious when I was younger, which lead me to make some horrible roommate and housing decisions. I ended up living with a Jewish Princess who would never pull her fair share of the weight in the household. Cooking, cleaning, bills - all of these things were laid almost squarely on my shoulders. She'd get away with anything I'd let her get away with.

Of course, I will own up to being a controlling person. But she seriously had more than HALF of the apartment for her own doing - including the dining room and living room. She never helped with much, and expected me to do it all for her.

She ruined a lot of the things in the apartment this way. Once, she was changing the toilet paper - and she accidentally dropped that little plastic holder into the toilet.

She didn't want to get dirty and APPARENTLY, I wasn't home. SO SHE FLUSHED THE GODDAMN THING DOWN THE TOILET. It RUINED our plumbing. I wasn't about to tell the landlord as it wasn't MY mistake - and she wouldn't own up to it, even though she admitted to it with me.

Being younger, dumber, and not so vigilant as I am today, I didn't bother doing anything about it. I'm sure it cost the landlord a lot of cash to get that shit fixed. =/

Chose your roommates wisely - ESPECIALLY if there's no subletting and you're on a lease. It's a commitment, both financially and mentally. Even the best of friends can end up not talking to each other by the time the place gets through with you.

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Hm, sounds like a rough situation.

I would also advise moving out. You have gone through a.) talking peacefully and firmly, as well as b.) repeating a.) but not so peacefully and firmly. You could resort to 'mud slinging' in which you begin giving him a taste of his own medicine, but it's doubtful that will help.

Maybe though you can start to do (or not do) things that would annoy him. Then say, 'I will do X (or not do X) if you will (or will not do) Y'. Most likely, it will result though in him being ultra pissed but it MIGHT get him to do things (especially if you only clean your dish and whatever tools you need to make food). Of course, keep in mind that this will only tense things up even more and whatever little he does do he might just do that satisifies him.

I was speaking idiomatically.