How do you tell someone their partner is cheating?

I was at a bar last weekend with a few mates of mine and I saw one of my best mates girlfriend, G, dancing. G was dancing with some bloke who I thought was my friend, so I edged through the crowd to go talk to them. As I neared closer I noticed the man in question wasn't my friend at all and G was kissing the guy. I was pretty outraged and was honestly going to go over to him and punch him in the gob, but I figured he didn't know she was in a relationship, afterall it's happened to me a couple of times.

I sort kept it quiet over the night, trying to think it over a bit. I've only told one other person, my friend Hannah, who is a friend of G, and she told me she has heard of other random hook-ups over the last couple of months. I was pretty surprised by this, G seemed like the honest type.

So in essence I figure I have two courses of action:
1. Tell my friend directly what I saw and what I've heard from others.
2. Talk to G first and maybe get her to own upto it.

I was more inclined to go talk to G and get her to discuss it with my friend, but this action has the possibility of her toning down what she's done and how often it has occured. So I guess I'm asking you, GFF, on the appropriate course of action. If you have any other suggestions to consider, I'll take them onboard too.

It's pretty heartbreaking stuff, he was talking of plans of marriage in the near future.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I would see if any of your other mutual friends have seen this sort of thing, and maybe tell him as a group. More often than not, atleast in my experience, unless your friend is extremely stubborn, he may not believe it unless it comes from multiple people.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I don't know anyone else who's seen anything that would care about the situation. I was thinking about him not believing it, but I'd say he knows I wouldn't lie about something like this.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Keep your mouth shut and do nothing. It's really none of your business and you'd be grateful of the silence if it were you who'd been caught cheating. Anyway, if you tell him and he believes you, he'll resent you for ending the relationship and if he doesn't believe you he'll resent you for calling his bird a slut. Either way, she'll definitely hate you. Just leave well alone is my advice.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I honestly don't think I can keep quiet for too long. Also she already hates me so that's not a problem.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I, personally, would say something, as long as you are 100% sure of what is going on. And not to her, because that will just make her stop for a little while, then go back to what she was doing in the first place.

Like Sprout said, a group would probably be better... even if it's just one more person. Maybe that Hannah girl?

The way I see it is this... he could get upset with you for letting this spill, but if he has any reason in him, he'll come to see that you were just doing this to help out a friend. I'd think he'd rather hear it as gently as possible from a friend than walking in on her and her latest fuck-buddy. And if he doesnt believe you the first time, then you drop it. When he wonders how he magically got herpes after only sleeping with his girlfriend... shrug your shoulders and say, 'Gee, I dunno!'.

How ya doing, buddy?

I don't see why your best friend would resent you saving him from committing to someone who is a cheating, lying whore. It saves him the pain of divorcing her later down the line. He has to know what's happening, and if you possibly can, get proof. This is vital because he may even disbelieve it on the grounds that he loves her so much. Don't try and get her to own up to it; if she can lie to him, she can lie to you.

FELIPE NO

I agree with Shin.

Unless you and your friends have something concrete to present, stay the hell out of it. It's none of your business.

And I would not use the group thing. That causes a really defensive and pushed person in the end.

Eitherway, until you can present some concrete evidence, say nothing. And heresay is heresay. Rumors and gossip are awful - don't buy into it, even if you trust your mates without question. People are prone to dramatizing events, especially when things can be mutilated beyond truth.

I'd be more likely to yell at the girl than to tell the guy. Take a cameraphone pic of her making out with some assholes or something and then blackmailing her into coming clean with her man. But I'm malicious like that.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Tell your friend, man. He deserves to know.

He'll find out eventually, or he'll have no balls for the rest of his life. In both cases, if you say nothing, you're a shitty friend. I know I would not trust my best friend any more if he saw my girlfriend cheating and didn't tell me. Unless, of course, she was a good friend of his as well, in which case I'd see his dilemma... but she already hates you.

What the fuck are you waiting for?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Quote:

I was more inclined to go talk to Guilia and get her to discuss it with my friend, but this action has the possibility of her toning down what she's done and how often it has occured.

Oh, I wouldn't do this at ALL. The worst-case scenario is that she'll come crying back to your friend and turn him against you.

What I'd do in your situation depends on how close I am to the friend in question. If he's your best friend, you have to tell him. He'll never trust you again if you don't. Get some evidence first though (perhaps a picture).

How ya doing, buddy?

You ought to tell him really soon...before anything strange and sad happens. Your friend seems to be a good guy...that girl is not worthy for him.

Of course, there are many ways to say it. Plan A: try saying it a bit unspecific. So, you will only give him hints of her cheating and let your friend reveals it alone. This is safe for all sides but tends to be quite slow in progress.

Plan B: Just spill it out. If necessary, gather some people who knows about this and make a serious discussion with him. But never provoke him.

How ya doing, buddy?

If you're not going to listen to Shin (and you should), then what you should do is try to catch her out next time, and make a really big deal about it to her face. She will do anything to keep you from spilling to your friend. Anything.

It's like every teen movie!



I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by a lurker

She will do anything to keep you from spilling to your friend. Anything.

Hot.

At best, I would try to get your friend to catch her cheating. Like if you've seen her with another guy at a place at a regular time or something, get him over there, set him up. Other than that, just avoid the subject, let them figure it out. Meddlers are assholes.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Be upfront with him. Tell him exactly what you saw, no more or less. He might need a couple of days to formulate a rational response, and unfortunately you might get the very irrational one. Expect it, don't fight back. Try to balance any of his irrationality with as much calm as you can muster. Don't take any bait, don't start any fights, and if he tries, just walk away.

A group would put him on the spot and make him feel like more of a chump. Don't wait around for serendipity to bring you to the same bar as bitch and her fuckbuddy(ies) again so you can get pics. If he needs proof, give him the names of other people who know.

Don't listen to these pussies. Keeping your mouth shut is only an option if you're a gutless coward and a shitty friend. You don't seem like either.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Oh my. This is a problem. Different scenarios abound:

1) Don't tell him. When he finds out you knew but didn't tell him, he'll call you an asshole.
2) Tell him. He'll call you a liar AND an asshole. (Or, he'll believe you, and still call you an asshole for making him unhappy).
3) Talk to her. She'll tell him you accused her of cheating because you don't like her, and he'll call you an asshole.
4) Don't talk to her. He'll find out, and we'll have the same situation in scenario 1.

See the problem? No matter what you do--you'll wind up with the same thing. You need to stay out of it. Until she hits on you--it doesn't concern you.

FELIPE NO

Not telling him is a bunch of bullshit. If your friend resents you for watching his back, then he's not much of a friend. Don't listen to the others and do your friend a favor. It's better if he finds out sooner than later.

Any friend that blames you for the unhappiness is an idiot. It's not you that caused the unhappiness. It's the girl. Man some of you must have some pansy friends.

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Don't say anything.

Trust me.

It's none of your business, just pretended you never saw anything and let life go on like that. If something comes up in the future don't be the idiot that says "OH, YEAH I REMEMBER THIS ONE TIME" just go on with life and forget that you saw anything.

That's the best advice I could give.

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Originally Posted by Spike

Any friend that blames you for the unhappiness is an idiot. It's not you that caused the unhappiness. It's the girl. Man some of you must have some pansy friends.

You would be surprised how easily many people would fold under pressure and betray the 'bros before hos' edict.

Yeah, maybe he won't blame this dude for telling him that his woman is a cheater, but why take the chance? He'll find out.



There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by a lurker

You would be surprised how easily many people would fold under pressure and betray the 'bros before hos' edict.

I don't think it's about that though. I don't even believe in that saying. It's just that his friend has a right to know and if I were in his case, I would tell my friend because I think that's what a good friend would do.

What if they're having unprotected sex and he catches something from her that she got from someone else she's cheating with? It's farfetched, but it's an example of watching out for your friends.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

^^^I completely agree. The feelings of awkwardness are well worth the price of truth. Its irresponsible to 'stay out of it' when someone is being used, especially in the case of a good friend. Lecherous people are far too common. Its not healthy.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Tell him only if you don't care about losing him as a friend.

If she's cheating on him, he'll find out eventually. Hell, maybe he knows already and is ignoring it. Relationships (even doomed ones) are complex.

I was speaking idiomatically.

You cowardly, weak-willed motherfuckers. Maybe if you valued your friends over the instant gratification of your their momentary approval, you'd forge stronger, healthier friendships.

Man, I really hope you aren't buying into this selfish bullshit. The longer you sit on this, the more he's gonna hold it against you. If he's worth your continued friendship, he'll understand that you're being a good friend, and if he does get upset, he won't direct his anger toward you for very long.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

What is up with this bullshit? What kind of friends do you guys have? What kind of friends are you people?

"Hey some asshole girl is doing something terrible to my friend. But hey, I don't want to tell him because he'll get mad at me! Waaaaah I'm a big baby who has no confidence in myself or my friendship with others. Waaaaah!!!"

Do the right thing for your friend.

FELIPE NO

She has a pretty unique name so chances are when he's googling her name he'll find this thread and you won't have to go to the effort of telling anybody~

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Only cheaters will tell you to do nothing. Do the right thing and tell your friend what's going on.

Jam it back in, in the dark.