how do you know if you really love someone?

You know, when its been years into a relationship, and the so called :fire: has simmered down, you begin to think where you are and that is where I am. I dont know how to explain it any further coz I am confused, as obviously my question asks. ugh.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

If you have to ask, you're probably not in love. That's my opinion, anyways.

After a while with the same person, some people get bored and start to wonder. I've been in that boat before, and hey - no harm in it.

The ":fire:" is a hard thing to keep going after being in a relationship with someone after so many years.

Maybe you should try spending a weekend away with your partner and see if you can get a fire going again.

Or maybe, you've just gotten over the lust or infatuation you had with your partner.

Examine your emotions well, and try to deduce what you're feeling. Maybe discuss it with your partner if you get very confused.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

This starts a big argument every time I say it, but if you think that you can be in a relationship with the same person for years and keep that same crazy excited rush-like feeling forever, you are setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

That feeling just DOES NOT stay around forever. It would be nice if it did, but that's just not realistic.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

So Sassafrass and Alice your replies are kinda contradicting each other,
I mean, if you say that the feeling doesnt last forever I believe the same thing and that for all couples it eventually fades to some degree, and when it does fade you are bound to ask my question, to which Sassafrass states "If you have to ask, you're probably not in love".

So how? I dunno if you understand my english, not my first language.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Uh, I think both Alice and I are agreeing that the ":fire:" emotion you described does not stick around forever.

Love is not :fire:. It's love. You can fall out of love with a person, sure.

What I am saying is that if you have to ask "how do you know when you really love someone," you're probably not in love. You were probably infatuated or whatever.

But then, only you can gauge whether or not you love your partner. Alice makes a good point - the passion and the fire you feel at first never sticks around forever.

You can always try to re-kindle it, though. Just for a short time to remind yourself of how it feels.

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Oh I meant the part where the fire fades so since I believe that all couples are gonna realize this they are bound to ask my question... So I dont think it means they're probably not in love all that time.

This is probably corny but Im serious, What is love? Is it not a feeling? Or is it a choice? Don't feelings and decisions change?

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Originally Posted by Roan

Oh I meant the part where the fire fades so since I believe that all couples are gonna realize this they are bound to ask my question... So I dont think it means they're probably not in love all that time.

No, you're right. I was only trying to encourage some self reflection in the way of emotions.

Quote:

This is probably corny but Im serious, What is love? Is it not a feeling? Or is it a choice? Don't feelings and decisions change?

I think each person feels love in their own way, but it's an emotional response. And yea, of course love can change or die.

FELIPE NO

So what do you do when that happens? DO you break up? Or scientifically, can you bring the love back?

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

You know, when you have to start asking yourself what your feelings mean and where the love and :fire: went, then you're probably not in love. But hey, it happens, people fade apart and come back to each other. People are as random as...uh...something random. Like Windows XP or something.

Scarcity is heaven, of course. Go on a vacation for a week. See if you miss them. Experiment on yourself, and then apply treatment as necessary. You could always turn to the other person as well for advice, blank out "I'm not feeling the way I used to...what should I do?" Apologetic, but not too wimpy.



Jam it back in, in the dark.

Ah well I'm late. . . Alice and Sass got it covered as far as what I think.

It's a rollercoaster at best, your level of love initally will be pretty high and then it will even itself out.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I always thought that love was just something you knew. It just comes to you. For instance, with my last boyfriend (ugh), I figured it out when, out of the blue (I was washing dishes at work, for christ's sake), I just thought "I love him." I'd think that if you still have thoughts like that, it could very well be love.

But judging from your question, you probably dont have those random moments very much. Like others have said, mix it up a little bit. Take a vacation, with or without your partner, and see how it feels. I do have to agree with Sass that if you're asking yourself these questions, it may not be love. But mix things up a bit before making a decision... sometimes boredom in a set routine can lead to that 'fire' going out.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Well, I believe it's a different kind of love; The :fire: kind of love and the kind that is required for a relationship to continue past that huge rush of excitement that is exhibited at the beginning of a relationship.

There isn't really any way for someone to tell you which of these you are feeling and if you are able to move from one type or the other in your current relationship. It all depends on your current emotional and maturity level. You are the only one who can judge what place you are at and whether or not you are ready for a more altruistic type of love.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

I dont wanna lose this woman, but sometimes I get thoughts like what ifs and what thens, like what if I meet other women what if aargh driving me in circles..... When she tells me she loves me I can't seem to return an i love you without having to analyze why I have to say it. Basically I say it because I think I want to be with her although Im not sure where the realtionship is going.. I guess I have to talk to her about this?
Just thinking of her cry breaks my heart.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I think it's kind of dangerous to tell people that love is "just something you feel". Then they get to thinking that the initial "crush" is love, and when that inevitably fades they've fallen out of love and rush off to file divorce papers.

This is probably hard to do if you're right in the midst of a raging crush, as you seem to be, but ask yourself: if it wasn't for those uncontrollable feelings, would you still be good friends with her?

If you're unsure, just stick with her for another year so the crush has time to burn out. If you can't stand her by then, you weren't actually in love.

How ya doing, buddy?

Roan you are not in love, you are merely in an infatuation. If you don't know why you are in that relationship (as you have stated above) then obviously a foundation is lacking.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Monkey King

I think it's kind of dangerous to tell people that love is "just something you feel".

When you break it down and look it at, what else is it? What defines humanity?

Love is an emotion. An intense and complicated emotion, but an emotion nontheless.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Devoxycontin

If you can picture yourself handling her/his feces without vomiting or cringing, it's love.

I thought it was if they can vomit all over you and you don't break up with them.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

When you break it down and look it at, what else is it? What defines humanity?

Love is an emotion. An intense and complicated emotion, but an emotion nontheless.

I always took it for infatuation, plus the reliability of friendship. Knowing consciously that you're infatuated with someone you can trust feels different from a plain old crush, where your logic centers are completely derailed by you wondering why you're so obsessed with someone you're not really that attached to.

I guess if you want to make it complicated you can, but I never saw much use in keeping it some sacred, mystical thing.

Also I think a more realistic acid test is whether you can see yourself washing skid marks out of your beloved's underwear. It's the little things that count, you know.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I wouldn't listen to these people saying that if you're asking this question, you're not in love. That's nonsense. Everybody in a relationship ever will ask this question at some point. These feelings are absolutely natural. You may even have a little crush on someone else, making the question even more complicated. However, don't do anything rash yet.

First of all, the other person isn't necessarily better than the one you're with, even though it may seem that way. That's only because you don't know her bad sides yet. You always think it's going to be better than it really is (which is why this question pops up in the first place).

Now, how do you know if you really love someone? Here are some things that my friends have told me during/after breaking up with their long term relationships (including a five-year long relationship and a divorce), as well as my own experience.

Wait a while (like a month) and see if you're still doubting that you love the one you're with at that point. There may be a million reasons why you feel that you don't--work-related stress, winter cold, not seeing her enough or seeing her too much--but if you are in love, these doubtful feelings are fleeting. If they last, they're a serious problem.

Don't listen to your mind. Don't make a list of good and bad qualities. Don't think "but she's such a nice person", or "but she's so pretty". Just listen to your heart and make your decision based on it. I know this sounds like a cliché but trust me, it's important enough and gets forgotten enough that it needs to be said.

Finally, remember that you can't truly change a person, you can only make them behave in a different way. If you're in the relationship and you're not satisfied due to her behaviour, reflect on yourself whether you think that's a personality trait or just a habit. If it's the first, chances are it's not going away.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

When you break it down and look it at, what else is it? What defines humanity?

Love is an emotion. An intense and complicated emotion, but an emotion nontheless.

Technically, love is just a strong feeling of admiration.

You can apply that to anything these days. The whole L word is essentially overrated.

In regards to the ":fire:" going out, I think it's pathetic. Especially when people say the passion dies.

The way I see it is, when the passion dies, so does the relationship.

Do you even remember WHAT attracted you to her? That's the question you should be asking yourself.

People change, people die down. A lot of times, some people just act differently in the beginning stages of a relationship to keep someone around, and then afterwards they totally become their normal selves.

So, unless you give more input, I can't really say anything.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by surasshu

I wouldn't listen to these people saying that if you're asking this question, you're not in love. That's nonsense. Everybody in a relationship ever will ask this question at some point. These feelings are absolutely natural.

I have to say that I completely agree with this. Realistically, "love" or whatever you want to call that emotion that directs you and links you to another human being, grows and wanes all throughout a relationship. Love is very complicated and abstract so it's difficult to put into words since everyone thinks of and interprets love in different ways.

So what is love for you? Maybe love for you is that "fire" you talk about and you feel you've gotten to a point where it hasn't just waned but disappeared altogether. But like people already stated, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment and you really need to mature and realize that love is nothing like that. You have to re-evaluate your definition of what love is for you and apply it to the relationship, see if it's there or if it is truly lacking.

Overall what I think is that if you really feel strongly against this relationship, then don't force it. But seriously, just talk to her. You'll get furthur with the relationship and be able to analyze your position far better talking with your girlfriend than anything we can say. A key to a strong relationship is communication and if you are really honest and level-headed about it with her, then it'll probably save a lot of unnecessary issues from popping up in the future.

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A friend of mine once was asked the question how do you know you're falling out of love with someone. He said that if your other asks you for something unreasonable, and you not only don't give it to them, but you resent them for being unreasonable in asking for it, then you know you're not in love anymore.

It made perfect sense to me. To explain how is maybe two decently-lengthed paragraphs that I'm not up for at the moment, but if someone really wants me to explain, I can give it a try later.

How ya doing, buddy?

I'm not so sure there is a such thing as true love, like the stuff in movies and fairy tales. Some marriages have couples loving each other insanely forever, and some don't. At the rate of divorce today and the marriages that don't, that still turn piss-poor after a few years are part of the evidence.

I've never been in love, but I guess being in love means you feel like you don't want to ever leave the side of someone, and are always happy around them. Also you feel you want to always protect them with your entire being. I really don't think there is much difference in love of a family member and of a spouse except for the sexual attraction part. The love part is probably the same.

FELIPE NO

Where I think people get fucked up is that they've been programmed to believe that love is somehow permanent or unchanging.

For somepeople, it is. But, from my experience it's changing. My grandparents have been married for 60 years, now. Their relationship now is completely different than it was before. As you get older and you spend more time with each other, there're other types of attachments that aren't "love," they're comfortable with eachother and trust each other. To me, even if you don't feel that same thing you did before, but you still feel comfortable around them and you can trust them, then that's perfectly normal.

The idea that you have to find that "one" that you settle down with or enter into a permanently binding contract with is actually an entirely "made-up" concept that has developed out human social evolution, and for a long time it "worked." But, not so much anymore.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by Duo Maxwell

The idea that you have to find that "one" that you settle down with or enter into a permanently binding contract with is actually an entirely "made-up" concept that has developed out human social evolution, and for a long time it "worked." But, not so much anymore.

The marriage itself maybe, but the act of "to find the one" is probably a relatively recent phenomenons, anthropologically speaking. In many cases people didn't use to have a choice in the matter.

Jam it back in, in the dark.