My personal "Moving in" situation

My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months now, and we've reached a rather high level of comfort with each other. I'm convinced that I love her, and she loves me (she's never given me any reason to believe otherwise).

We both go to the same college. I'm approaching my final year as an undergrad, and she's going into her second year. My plan after this was to move onto graduate school and drive to visit her every weekend or so (about 90 minute drive...maybe). Recently, my thoughts on this have changed. I got an internship at West Virginia University, and I ended up having to spend the last 3 weeks with only Internet communication to talk to her, and I've missed her more than I ever thought possible.

She has a general disdain for school, and the only reason she's compelled to stick with it is because her mother regrets not finishing school, so we discussed maybe having me apply to WVU for graduate school and then having her transfer to finish her final 2 years, and we'd get a room together.

She and I have spent pretty much every moment we could together, just hanging out and doing things we both like to do...so I'm not questioning that I WANT to move in with her. My biggest concern is financial, since we'll both be students. I've tried my best to look at it, and this is where I was hoping you guys could advise me.

The program I'd be going into gives a stipend of 23,000 a year and free tuition and health insurance. It appears that I could get an apartment in this particular town for 700$ a month or so (a decent one, that is), plus an estimated 300$ utilities. I could live in a simple room with a bathroom and a kitchen with her...I just want her to be in my life, and she wants to be in my life as badly.

If we're frugal, I figured we could get away with 50$/week on food, and my car payment (at the moment) is 180$/month. This brings my expected yearly expense to approximately 17000$, so...it sounds do-able financially. Therein lies the problem, it sounds like a perfect situation to me (her home situation is such that she feels trapped, and she does not get along with her family), so what am I missing? I'm very sure I want to do this...but I'm quite scared. This would all take place next summer. What do you guys think of this idea?

Thanks!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Moving in after six months?... I'm old-fashioned, but I'd say that is moving (blol) too fast. If I were in the situation, I'd wait until the one year mark. Being comfortable around eachother is one thing, but once you move in with someone, you see a whole different side to them. I know several friends who moved in with "lovers/soulmates" after a few months, and most of the time, it didn't pan out well.

But hey, never know. That's just my input.

The fact that she is just now becoming a sophomore is another thing. Lots of people change loads within their first two years in college.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Gechmir

The fact that she is just now becoming a sophomore is another thing. Lots of people change loads within their first two years in college.

This is truth. I have known so very many people who were completely different people by the end of year two than they were at the beginning of year two. Luckily for the topic creator, he said that none of this stuff would be decided until next summer, so by then, they will both have a better understanding of where their relationship is.

For his question about finances, well dude, why won't she be contributing financially? Money tends to be a big cause of trouble in relationships, and if you are paying for all living expenses and she is just going to class, chillin on the couch, eatin all your food and running up the power bill, well, I can go ahead and warn you that there is going to be problems. If she gets a job and contributes to the household income and is responsible for a reasonable portion of expenses, then you guys would be in a lot better financial shape. Just something to consider.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Yeah, Russ, I agree

Like I said, we'll have been together for a year and a half at that point. She has also told me explicitly that she wants to get a job...she's not the sort to just sit around, per se (unless we're hanging out an relaxing). I'm just, for now, not counting on her contribution so that in all likelihood we WILL be better off than otherwise. Her education level doesn't quite allow her to get a job above retail (yet), but once she graduates I imagine she'll be a bit more enthused to get a job with her degree.

We have discussed things like divvying of housework, and in the times we've spent together (which include spending days at a time living together;I am aware that moving in is a much bigger situation) I haven't deduced any majorly annoying things. She doesn't take advantage, doesn't take miles from inches, respects me (and I her), and loves doing many of the things I love doing. I never really knew that I could feel this way for someone, and, relationship-wise, I feel we're going to be strong enough to go through with it. I do appreciate you guys' experiences and advice, though.

My biggest question was...what financial factor am I missing? What in general am I not considering here?

Thanks for the advice. I hope more comes!

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

What is wrong with working in retail while going to school? I did for the four years to get through *Tuition, Food, Car Insurance etc..* University, and also while taking CCNA at night, I lived off about $20 a week for food. Even after finishing, I had to work in retail for another 6 months before I started getting into jobs of my field. If anything, companies will respect a student whom has held down a job while going through university, it shows commitment.

I know what you are saying, but just beware it can take some time to get a job in her field. As Russ stated, a one sided financial relationship can turn ugly fast, especially when funds are low. Mostly though i think things like this just seem to run much more smoothly when both partners contribute equally. That way too you can each have a bit of your own money to spend. I know that I am grinding on this financial thing a lot, but it is one of the biggest, if not biggest cause of stress and breakups in relationships of all types.

You always want to try and put a bit of money away , just to be sure i the event of something happening..

I was speaking idiomatically.

How long are you together? First post says 6 months, and your next one says a year and a half, which can make quite the difference.

You have to make sure that you know that spending time together and living together are NOT the same. When you spend time, you DO stuff most of the time, while living together is a lot more boring than that. Have you spent long periods together (like a vacation or something)? When I went on vacation with my ex, I realized that I really didn't want to live with her, and that was only after a quick 4-day city trip!

As for the financial side, make clear rules. Be sure that she also does her share, it doesn't have to be money, but taking care of the housework, cooking, etc, until she gets a job. Make it clear from the start that, even though she doesn't have a form of income, you still expect her to help you out.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

We have been together 6 months as of now. By the time we will have moved in, it will have been the year and a half

I've spent days at a time literally living in a dorm room with her (over weekends and such) in which we just sit around and do nothing...maybe watch movies or lay in bed. After a while we get antsy, so we might go for a walk. Do you think that counts in letting me see how things could be?

FELIPE NO

$25 a week on food per person isn't really a whole lot, unless you're really into eating ramen or have really small appetites.

Also, how are utilities going to cost you $300? I think you're overestimating that unless you have the absolute worst insulation in the world and run your AC/heat nonstop.

You should also remember that you're going to have lots of miscellaneous expenses. Now that you'll be at grad school and earning money, your parents probably won't be as generous as they were when you were at college, so all those fun little things you like to do start costing a decent amount of money.

Finally, what does she want to do with her life? Does she have any sort of goal for herself? Most of the people I know in grad school tend to like to have their other half be an intellectual peer and not just a trophy wife that sits at home. There's a lot to be said for discussing your work other than how much you hate your boss.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Reav, thanks!

As an undergrad, I've become relatively accustomed to not accepting much aid from my parents. I pay my own car bill, any kinds of little things I want to do with that (IE gas), and I also pay my own entire way through school (with loans and scholarships). My parents haven't had to be very generous with me, for the most part (at least these days). They pay the insurance on my car, which in a month will be less than half the car payment itself.

The most amicable job she's found for herself is editing. She is quite into reading and proofreading, so she has felt she'd be interested in copy editing. She does seem to enjoy listening to me talk about my work, though I can't simply talk at the technical level I feel somewhat comfortable with. In terms of a specific goal...she hasn't quite decided yet, and I hope that we can help each other find exactly what we want out of life. I happen to be lucky that I like chemistry so much (and, in particular, molecular modeling) that I feel I can do it as a job. She hasn't been quite so lucky in finding something she loves well enough to be a job.

The utilities was meant to be an overestimate, but it included everything like...cell phones, internet, and the other basal utilities.

I also realize that 25$/person every week is low...hmmm, if everything goes well, though, that expense could be upgraded, y'know?

We spoke moderately about having 3 different bank accounts, one where most money would go and then 2 for each of our discretionary spendings (Allowance for each of us, I guess). I figured this system would work well so that we don't have to discuss every little expense.

I also don't mind that she's not my intellectual peer in terms of science. Of course she's studying English, and I'm not her peer there, either; however, we're interested in each others' fields at least to the point where we'll be willing to sit and listen to the other talk and try to engage in the conversation. Most things can be dumbed down, you know?

Hmmm...thanks for the advice, everyone! Keep it coming, please!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

There were times that I would have thoughts like that concerning a love in my life, but it rather seemed impossible to do - one of the major problems being finance. I'd say to really really think about it and talk to her and see how both of you guys feel about the idea. And, then a plan on how to pay it off once you both finish school and have jobs in the certain fields you guys want to work in.
But, don't do anything in a fast pace that would hinder either one's goals in life.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Generally I'd advise strongly against moving in with your significant other as a student. Most couples I knew that fell into this category (including myself as a example subject) have failed to make it work otherwise, whether it be difference in up-bringing, family matters, financial issues, so on and so forth.

I just think there are just some things boyfriends and girlfriends have no control over certain aspects of their significant others' lives and rushing into grasping that control when you're not ready for marriage just leads to disaster.

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Generally, I'm very old fashioned and don't want to move in together until marriage. Of course, that means that you won't find out about each other's quirks and pet-peeves until then. Usually, the first year is full of adjusting, compromising, and so forth (or so I heard and will very soon find out!).

Finacially, you're seemingly OK, but what about 'what if's'? What if one of you gets fairly sick? What if one of you has car problems? Also, it is always a good idea to try to save money for the future, but you may not be able to save that much at all with what you are earning. There may also be some possible resentment if you make all the money, and she can't use any of it for her 'play money' (as it would be right at this point in your relationship if you want to hold onto it).

Six months is also a relatively short time to be moving in together (let alone what I just said about my old fashioned views). I definitely would give AT LEAST a one year mark. Also, have you two gone through problems together? If not, that might make things hard, and if one or both of you need cool down time, if you both are in the same house, that might make things worse.

The fact that you are scared though IS a good thing. At least you aren't jumping into this blindly. What I don't understand though is...why can't you try to find two small apartments relatively close to each other? Or you find an apartment near the campus? Yeah, you might have to walk fifteen or twenty minutes, or take a bus or whatever, but that would allow you two to stay together mostly without having to live together at this point (or perhaps next year as well)...

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Well, I did say that when we move in together it would be a year and a half.

Also, I know I can't speak absolutely...but given the time we've spent together has been rather honest (and quasi-living together for most of the semester) we really know each others' quirks and peeves pretty well. Happily, we don't tend to grate on each other, and we enjoy some of the same activities.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by deadally

Well, I did say that when we move in together it would be a year and a half.

Okay, look. You've said this about three times in this thread, and I can totally understand why some people are getting confused with the 6 months or 1.5 years bullshit.

You are planning to move in with her in nearly 2 years. Do you have any idea how much could change between now and then? Do you realize that you may not even be together then? What am I missing here, dude?

You've been together for six months. That's nothing, man. Why are you planning something like a move-in together in a YEAR AND A HALF??

Am I not understanding you???

(On the other hand, you'll have 1.5 years to save up your friggin money. It is absolutely NO easy endeavor to live with someone AND have to keep all the bills paid. This is generally what I feel either makes or breaks a couple.)

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I imagine if she's going to apply for a transfer she has to do it a bit of time in advance.

I forgot to ask it earlier, but had you been planning on going to WVU for grad school from the start? As someone who just went through with their graduate school search I have to tell you that one of the most important things is finding a school that has an adviser you can click with. If you're not interested in your project or severely clash with your boss for the next 4-6 years then there's a pretty good chance you'll have a pretty tough time sticking it out.

FELIPE NO

I'm very familiar with the advisor with whom I intend to study. I've been essentially working under him (below my undergrad professor) for 2 years now, and this year I'm participating in an REU directly underneath him. He's explicitly told me that he would be my advocate for acceptance into the program, and seeing as how he is one of the higher ups in the pharmaceutical sciences...I'd say I like the situation a lot, honestly. I'm loving computational biochemistry the more I get into it, and drug discovery in general is neat. I've intended to go to WVU for...the better part of a year, I guess.

Sass, I only mentioned it again because people keep telling me that moving in after 6 months together is short. That's not when we'd be moving in together. If that's not getting through to people, then I need to say it again.

Also, you're not far off, but you're not quite understanding. We will have been dating for a year and a half by the time we want to move in together. The fact that things could change has factored in, sure, but if they do...then I'll have a single-bedroom apartment to myself. I have to get an apartment anyway

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

This sounds too risky, it's way in the future you'll be doing this, you might hate each other, money is tight, etc. I would be quite hestitant. Anyway. You're mostly asking for budget advice so...

Originally Posted by deadally

I figured we could get away with 50$/week on food,

This seems way too low to me. Every place you live is going to be different. But when I was a student, I ate pretty cheap, Equality and Noname where I could, lots of food in bulk, no alcohol, and I was spending about $100-150/mo after taxes, toilet paper, toothpaste, and cleaning products. Plus a bit more for the occasional night out. If I couldn't borrow a friend's car to load up, I'd be spending at least $40/week on "booster" foods like fruit, bread, milk, etc. to keep me going between these $100 super-trips.

Two people does bring efficiencies, and you could eat cheaper than I did via ramen and pancakes, but I'm betting there'll also be the times you want to eat well and enjoy yourself. Budget more for food. Especially given the price inflation these days.

At a minimum I'd say $300/mo for the both of you, to give yourself some fat for a few drinks and one night out a month. Better would be to have both of you track your own expenditures these days.


Re budgets, try to estimate these items:

Tuition
Mandatory fees for healthcare, lab expenses, etc.
Textbooks
Taxes
Any big-ticket items you'd need to buy (fridge, cutlerly, etc?) Maybe you can get some of this cheaply
Rent, TV, utilities, etc
Food, household goods
Entertainment budget - Clubs, Teams, Nights out, videogames, etc
Car - Including gas, insurance, and REPAIRS.
Clothing
Christmas gifts
Travel?
SaveMoney (if possible)
Emergency cash (if possible; maybe your parents would bail you)
Add a contingency like 10%

Jam it back in, in the dark.

You know, it's not like you're talking about marriage here. Moving in together is a big step, but I think as long as you keep separate bank accounts, car insurance policies, etc., it could work out fine. Would you agonize over this decision as much if you were thinking about moving in with a buddy? Just work things out the same way you would if that were the case, at least initially.

What everyone is telling you is correct, though. Spending days at a time with each other is completely different than actually living together. The little quirks that seem cute now sometimes become annoying as hell, especially when reality kicks in and you have to determine who does which chores, one of you realizes the other is a slob/neat freak, etc.

I do think it's not as big a deal as you're making it, though. Why not just try it and keep your finances as separate as possible for a while? That way, if it seems like it's not working out, you could always go back to living separately.

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I know this has been asked, but why don't you live off of a strict budget now so that you can save a good amount of money in the meantime?

I mean, this is going to be in a year.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.