Best Friend concerns...

I'll try to keep this short, although I'm sure I can go on for hours about it.

Now, I know that people change when they go to college, but my best friend of a decade has gone from sweet little Irish girl to Social Liberalist Hippie who sleeps with whatever guy offers. She went to a mini-ivy league school, joined a co-ed frat (though I can't call it a frat around her, to her, its a 'society'), and no longer has a life beyond this place.

Men have especially been her problem. I'll list events so as not to go on forever.
-Started dating Scott first week of college. They took each other's virginity. Happy until summer, when she started having doubts.
-Cheated on Scott with Chuck (who looks exactly like Scott, might I add).
-Broke up with Scott for Chuck.
-Chuck broke up with her a week later.
-Had a fuck buddy (She doesnt like it when I call him a fuck buddy though).
-Had a one night stand. Her excuse for the fuck buddy and one night stand is that she 'didnt want to be afraid of sex'.
-Is currently dating Andrew, who is ten years older than her, doesnt have a car or steady job, met him as an alumni of her 'society' who went back to the campus for a party. He also looks exactly like Scott and Chuck. EXACTLY. And because she doesnt have a life outside of this 'society', she never meets any other guys.

And it seems like she's really holding herself back for this Andrew guy. She originally wanted to study abroad in Ireland; She had the school picked out and everything. Now she wants to take summer classes at the school in his hometown, claiming it will be cheaper. She was going to go into gene-psychology... now she doesnt want to do the work for that and has settled on being a private school teacher. She's going to a mini-ivy league school to be a private school teacher.

I could probably add more, but I'll stop here. I just dont know what to do about her, if anything. Am I getting riled up over nothing? I just cant see my best friend (20 years old now, 19 when they started dating) being happy with this guy she met because he returned to college for a party, who is 29 years old and litters her neck with hickies.

What do you guys think? Anyone go through something like this?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

She's (possibly) fucking up her life and having a lot of fun while doing it. You can't dictate to her what she can and cannot do, and if she really screws up then hopefully she'll learn from her mistakes. You're not her mom, so why does it bother you? I have friends who do "crazy" things but they're still good people.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Ulysses

You're not her mom, so why does it bother you?

because it's a friend thing.

The most you can do is just ask her if that's what she really wants to do. Just tell her you're concerned and maybe it's better for her to throughally think about this with the mind instead of the heart. Yeah they tell you to follow your heart but if she seriously thinks this will work out as an honest relationship type of thing, well let her decide really.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I didn't mean to sound cruel, but her friend isn't actually doing anything that would directly endanger her, so it comes down to one person making value judgements about the lifestyle choices of someone else. As I said, it's up to her friend to learn from her mistakes if she won't listen to the voice of "reason".

There may be some underlying reason why she's acting this way but from the initial description of the problem that cannot be determined.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Quote:

so it comes down to one person making value judgements about the lifestyle choices of someone else. As I said, it's up to her friend to learn from her mistakes if she won't listen to the voice of "reason".

I concur with this. If you try to intervene, you'll just alienate her. This might be something she simply needs to do, for whatever reason. If you truly consider yourself her best friend, just be there for her when she needs the support and don't judge her.

I was speaking idiomatically.

People change when they go off to school. It's depressing, sometimes, but there's nothing you can really do about it. Telling her she's making bad choices is only going to make things worse, unless she specifically asks you for advice.

If she's important to you, make an effort to stay friends anyway.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

DO NOT tell her what she should do with her life. That's the quickest way to end the friendship and cause her to do exactly what you don't want her to do. Treat her as you've always done.

The fact that she's "waiting" for Andrew should tell you something. That she doesn't consider him to be a fling, and maybe, just maybe, she's found someone she's compatible with.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by TemariPC31

She's going to a mini-ivy league school to be a private school teacher.

Bit harsh, wouldn't you say? Not to put it out there or anything, but I go to a full-blown one, switched from math & comp. sci to symbolic systems, yet I am considering being a teacher when I graduate. Saying what you have denigrades teachers and the decisions that a few of my friends have made and one that I might make myself. So yeah, be careful when you say these things...

Though that's really moot in the face of everything else she's doing. But ah well, what can you do. Other than give her another perspective to look at her life with, one she can use when she realizes that she's been mucking about. And be there to be the support system when she does. I guess you can mention it a couple of times to her, try and convince her that there is at least a problem or items of concern that she should be looking at, but if she won't listen, she won't listen. And life goes on.

But I must agree with above comments, a priori nothing's bad with dating an older guy - I wouldn't be around if my mom thought so. But the way I see it, it's a bit much to change career plans over a guy who she hasn't been dating for that long. It's usually a warning sign when you see someone take a relationship that seriously in such a short span of time.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Remember those old after-school shows where one friend would try to help out the other when they noticed his/her boyfriend was a bastard/was wasting his/her life away and then it pretty much ruined their friendship. Yeah, that actually happens.

So you can do one of two things: let nature take its course and chances are she'll realise it on her own, or sit her down and discuss it in a mature fashion letting her talk the most while you guide with questions. Depending on the person you have to be careful where you interject your opinion, so it's best not to even bother until the conversation is pretty much wrapped up. And even then you might want to say it in a delicate, but straight-forward manner.

Or just say fuck it and tell her how you really feel without considering anything further. Who knows, might work.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Well, I haven't done anything, certainly not told her how to live her life. I go to school two hours away from her, and we (unfortunately) never really talk other than vacations. I've taken up what Nadienne said in staying friends with her of course, and use the policy of staying neutral when it comes to this guy.

I guess in my attempt to make a short post so that people would actually read it, I left out a few details.

All of the listed above happened within less than a year. Its not like I never gave this Andrew guy a chance; I met him and his first impression was not the best. I walk into the room and he's pulling up his pants, he basically ignored my "Hi, I'm Ally" and the hand that I put out to shake his, and during the whole conversation he had a 'holier than thou' attitude. And I think the main thing is that I'm being pulled in two different directions, because I also have her mom (my 'second mom') constantly on my case to find out more about how Meg is acting, but at the same time telling me to be her friend. It's wearing me down.

So I guess the question really wasn't 'what should I do about her', its more like 'what should I do to stop this from bugging me without severing the friendship that I've had since 7th grade?'

(And CrowdMaker, sorry about the teacher comment, maybe its not so much the teacher thing as she went from wanting to deal in gene-psychology to very suddenly wanting to be a teacher. And even then, she doesnt want the education degree, she just wants to get her psycology degree and get out of there. Dont get me wrong, I have a supreme respect for teachers, but the way she put it was basically "That's 4 more years of school and too much work, so I'm just gonna be a teacher.")

There's nowhere I can't reach.

As long as she knows how you feel about the situation, there isn't much more you can do. At the moment my best friend has been making some really bad decisions and she knows I disagree, but I never intefere. I know it is hard to do with friends but you should take her choices out of your conscience because she will realise her mistakes eventually. Just be there to pick up the pieces like any friend would. Also I find myself in a similair situation as you with my feelings towards my best friend's boyfriend (or ex, whatever he is at the moment). I just try and avoid situations where we will all be together and it works out that way.

I'm not sure what you can do about her mother asking you to hound her like that though; perhaps you should stand your ground because it is unfair of her to use you like some kind of spy.

How ya doing, buddy?

I had a issue like this, my cousin and I where like sisters, but when she turned 16 she changed. I don't even want to know how many boys she slept with, but she would move out with any guy she considered a boyfirend and moved back when she broke up. She is 19 now and has a baby with a immature 24 year old jerk, and is still living with him.

All I can really suggest is that give her friendly adivce, but do not tell her what to do. If she knows that you care, she may come around eventually. If she is sleeping around with 'fuck buddies' that resemble her first boyfirend, then I think that she still has a torch for Scott, even though she may not realize it.

I would not feel bad at all for calling the other guys 'fuck buddies' because if she is just sleeing around with them with no intention of a relationship, then that's generally what they are.

Don't give up on your friend, just show concern without pushing and I am sure whe will come around.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?