How to Fuck Up a Relationship

[Came across this through a friend, it's worth a read.]






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How to F*** Up a Relationship
(Poly or mono this applies to all)

By Elise Matthesen

Alt.polyamory FAQ - the first supplement

How to f*** up

The preceding list of answers to questions about polyamory is not a guide to how to have a working polyamorous relationship, although we have strong anecdotal evidence that the tools mentioned are useful in all sorts of relationships, mono and poly. We do, however, have the following guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in polyamorous relationships. With proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or destroy monogamous relationships as well; they're truly multipurpose tools. We post this listing for your consideration; no liability expressed or implied.

1. Lie. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock. Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double points. Lying about being married gets triple f***-up points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. "not telling") with fancy rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.

2. Avoid self-knowledge. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3 and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our researchers. When combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white knights" on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.

3. Blame the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.

4. Disclaim responsibility. This is a little more complex than strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as "codependency". The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s) involved while repressing one's own desires and questions. This allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify anger by saying one has done so *much* for one's partner(s) and gets no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if one's own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.

5. Push. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts! It's a dog eat dog world, and you're a pit bull. Emotional and mental bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as easily prosecutable.

6. Play on insecurity. This is an old favorite. Using sexual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a four-star winner. Attempting to control one's partner(s) by manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f***-up tactic. It's so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar.

7. Avoid intimacy. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we're talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes -- er, ahem -- we're discussing achieving satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with "rubbing slippery bits together". Substitute the words "sex" and "love" for each other often in conversations. Repeat the mantra, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want." Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2. According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales techniques for pointers. People with good "lines" fall into this category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they truly *value* the other person.

8. Don't talk. Talking has been known to lead to communication if practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your f***-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it entirely. If you *must* talk, use cliches and quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1.

If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they had been satisfying you like they were supposed to.

9. For the ultimate metaf***-up, remain technically faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize with the figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been shamming happiness all these years.

************************************************** ****************** Whew! Yuck! You know, writing those sure took me down memory lane. What I hoped to do with this little icky essay was illustrate the flip side of some of the tools in the toolbox for healthy poly (and other) relationships. These "bad tools" are humorous (pretty bent humor, too), but the good tools are serious.

Elise

Jam it back in, in the dark.

This is getting e-mailed to everyone in my address book.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

lol polyamory

Why do people lie? In my experience, it's just to preserve the feelings of the other person. Lying about whether you're bothered by X isn't exactly bad lying, now is it? Of course, the only experience I have is deperate nerd.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I'll agree that lying is pointless..

However cheating is kind of a must since you can't really "bag" the girl of your dreams and "not risk it" by passing up on steamy hot sex with that waitress..

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Devo

Well fibs I don't really give a shit about if you do it so I don't kick you in the balls. But why lie about feelings? If you don't love someone stop fucking around and tell the truth.

Amen to that. Happened to me recently and it is not fun.

Well, I guess if you enjoy fucking up someone's life it could be entertaining.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Since when has copying/pasting chain emails been legitimate thread topics?

Besides, fucking up a relationship is easier than maintaining a good one.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I can't imagine how many people are posting this as a bulletin on myspace right now.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Devo

If you don't love someone stop fucking around and tell the truth.

Tell that to women

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

So who didn't know how to "F*** Up" a relationship before reading this?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Originally Posted by Devo

Men are just as guilty of this bullshit. To act like it's just a womanly thing to do is ignorant.

As usual, I disagree with Devo. ;_;

I think it is a more female trait. I don't think it's intended to be malicious or anything - women just FEEL BAD if a man says "I love you," and they can't reciprocate. They don't want to hurt their feelings, so they just say "I love you" back.

Now. I am not saying men DONT do it. They totally, totally do. But I would say men don't think/care/pay attention to/about emotions as much as women, on a LARGE scale.

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Originally Posted by Devo

Or pull the "i love you" while they're cheating on a girl just to assure her that "she's the only one for them."

Those are the ones I get. I think men and women equally lie about how strong their feelings are for their significant others because they don't want to hurt the other person/come across as an asshole.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I say if you have to end it then just end it; no need to become sadistic.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

So we are saying that men lie to cover up their misconduct, and women lie to cover up there true feelings?

Haha. If only the stereotypes were true. My personal experience is that women lie like its nothing. Been broken up with twice on lies, and not subtle lies, but strong, bold and deceitful lies. To say that men are the epitome of unfaithfulness is to deny the facts. It is statistically true that women engage in extra-marital affairs more than men. Lets get off the men are horrible beings kick.

Truly, dishonesty/unfaithfulness in relationships is most often caused by self-gratification or fear. I'm sick of people that are just looking to "get more out of our relationship" or don't quit being with the prick they are with because "they are afraid of being alone". Wake up people. Live your life, and invest love in someone else, and don't ever hold it back.

I was speaking idiomatically.

And personal experience is the measure of truth?

How ya doing, buddy?

No I have not been in a "relationship" with a man. I am a man, and am not gay.

The point of the paragraph you keep referencing was to prove that personal experience can not be the basis for establishing truths about "men" or "women". Men are no more horrible and lying than women. No matter how many times you've seen it, it doesn't make it true. (and just for your info, I don't think there has been any kind of relationship that I have had that the woman was honest with me, but two specifically that ended with blatant lies (as in through discussion with multiple times told).

You seem to conviently pass over my last paragraph, where I see issues with both sides. Girls lie seeking attention, guys lie just to get ass (self-gratification). Girls lie afraid of being alone, guys lie afraid losing the girl (fear). It seems to be a pretty straight-forward system. Very few get it right, as I'm sure I haven't and quite probably you as well.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by Devo

I don't lie about my feelings, I don't feel the need to. I think I read your paragraph as more sarcastic than anything else, I thought you meant that your personal experience justified that girls lie more.

Good. Your my kinda girl () in that blunt honesty is used. I can't stand BS; either like me, could like me, or don't like me. Save the drama for someone else and give me the straight answer and lets move on.

I do admit that my head believes that women are not all liars. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the heart stabbed one-too-many-times. Cynicism about the opposite sex seems to be one of my forte's these days. Why lie?

But hopes rise too often only to meet disappointment and defeat. Sometimes you wonder how much longer you're gonna keeping hoping, ya know?

Crap, I just went all sentimental/emo.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Devo

The problem is the ones who don't lie have other issues that are just as detrimental.

Are you referring to my situation or yours, or both? (as in "ones"=males or females?)

If both, you are more cynical than I.

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Originally Posted by Dayvon

It is statistically true that women engage in extra-marital affairs more than men. Lets get off the men are horrible beings kick.

I'd like to see where you got your statistics from, and what process they used in gathering the data. Maybe men just don't admit to it in surveys. Or if it's after-they-were-caught data, maybe women aren't as secretive or discrete about affairs.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Let's just put it at:
Men lie, women lie, everybody lies! Men cheat, women cheat, lots of people cheat. We can't really say oh women do it more, because its each relationship is its own case. If you marry a cheater but you're the most perfect person for them, I'd doubt they'd cheat. People argue that certain genders are more inclined to cheat, however I believe that it's more of the individual. Certain personality types are more inclined to cheat. Certain personality types are more inclined to lie.

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