Moral dilemma--not sure what to do

Hi everyone I've read around gamingforce a lot but never posted before... until now. I need advice and really don't wanna bring this up with a friend.

Me and my girlfriend Andrea dated for a long while. We had an amazing relationship which then turned sour about a year ago. We were going out until around halloween were we decided to take a break which then only became a gradual decline into us becoming completely separated in the following months.

While I was in the process of breaking up, Andrea was spending lots of time with her new super best friend who was a lesbian. I knew that they were attracted to each other (andrea is bi), and also knew that they ended up together at the same time Andrea and I went on a break. I completely trusted Andrea and thought that she waited until we broke up to mess around with her new girl.

Well it turns out that my copmuter saves IM conversations and I happened to be snooping around today. I read one of their conversations, and discovered that they messed around a whole bunch a whole three months before we "took a break" and were madly in love with each other. It sickened me.

So now I know that my ex cheated on me. Great. Because right now we are trying to mend our friendship after some rocky post-breakup months and I just want to get things behind me. Well now I'm fucking pissed that she cheated on me (a whole year ago mind you) but dont know what to do. I pretty much have two options that I can see.

1. Suck it up and forget about it which leaves me unhappy.
2. Tell her that I know she cheated (which I'd love to do), but that also means I tell her that I read one of her conversations. I will have breached her trust, but at the same time she will have nothing on me because she fucking cheated on me.

Maybe there's another alternative. Help anyone?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Do you really want to have her as a friend? If you do, then I don't suggest yelling at her about cheating, but you should probably discuss it with her if it really bothers you, because not talking to her about it will just make you angry with her.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Tricky situation there.
I'm assuming she doesn't know that you know you know that she cheated on you, so I would definitely sit down and have a chat with her.
Don't tell that you read one of her conversations, and see if she'll just admit to you the truth without you having to bring that point up. If she isn't honest with you and you still want to be friends with her, then just suck it up and be ultra-careful in the future :s
However, if in your mind, you think that confronting her with proof will lead to her confessing all, then go for it. If it results in the more likely reaction of anger (to cover up the fact that she cheated), then you'll have to gauge if you want to risk it and press the matter, or just clearly state your view on things (possibly an ultimatum but it doesn't have to be so harsh, dpeending on your mood).

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

I would say... definitely don't ignore it completely. That could come to no good.

A sneaky way to do it would be to have a serious talk and ask her if she ever cheated on you while you were dating. If she says no, then really... she's not worth having as a good friend anyway. If she says yes, you could admit to reading the convo, and perhaps mutual forgiveness and mending of the friendship will be possible.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Thanks for your advice everyone... particularly blue.

I'm leaning right now toward doing something like having a serious talk with her and telling her that I have something on my mind that's been bothering me for a while. I'll then ask her if she ever cheated on me. Either way, I'll tell her the truth afterwards about what I've done and man... if she lies that will be interesting. Hell if she tells the truth though that will be very strong of her. Hmm.

Thanks again!

I was speaking idiomatically.

Eh?

You're worried about losing the trust of someone who was cheating on you for three months?

Fuck that shit, tell her you know, jog the little tramp on and get some decent friends.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I had a very similar experience except I didn't know my guy was bi until 2 years later when someone told me that he was dating a guy around the time I was dating him. I tried the same thing with making friends with him, but he would fake it around my parents and then stop talking to me when they were not near me. It's good that you want to bridge the gap and have her as a friend again, but you really do need to talk to her about it and I don't really recommend mentioning the chat session unless you really have to.

An on-line guy was using my friendship to cheat on his girlfriend. He was one of those guys who seemed to say sweet things to all his female friends, but he took it way too far in one chat and I sent her the transcript. She broke up with him and then a few months later told him that I gave her the transcript. He got really mad at me over it, but still wanted to remain friends b/c he had some crazy idea in mind that he still had a chance of banging me. I'm sorry, but he betrayed his girlfriend and he did the same thing to me when at one moment he will be talking really nice to me and then all of a sudden go off on me out of the blue when we would be talking about something totally off-topic.

If you do build a friendship with her, be careful. Sometimes these frienships can work, but most of the time they do not work because of the issue of trust.

How ya doing, buddy?

If I were in your situation I'd take option two. But then, I'd also give a big fuck you to trying to be friends again with her. If you have to struggle to mend a friendship, that usually means it's not worth it in the first place. And now with the addition of cheating it makes mending your relationship all the more worthless. Throw it in her face and walk away.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Shin

Eh?

You're worried about losing the trust of someone who was cheating on you for three months?

Fuck that shit, tell her you know, jog the little tramp on and get some decent friends.

Quoted because I couldn't have said it better.

I was in that situation. The man I was in love with cheated on me, and he didn't even had the nerve to face me. I found out from his roommate. I confronted him with it, and broke up with him.

He went with the other girl for a while, then broke up with her. He came back to me--wanting to be friends with the possibility of more. I told him point blank it wasn't going to happen. He asked me how I could just stay friends, and I said--"I have more willpower." ZING!

Well, he got back together with the other woman, and well, he eventually died. Karma's a bitch, but she's my best friend.

Anyway--and here's the part I'm interested in: How stupid does a person have to be to have a IM session on her boyfriend's computer?!

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Shin is right. I don't know why you're even trying to remain friends with her. (why do so many dudes want to be awesome friends with ex girlfriends?)

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Hate to go 'me too' here, but she's not worth your time. Make a clean break for it.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

You could say something along the lines of: “Well I was sorting through some junk on my computer the other day…”, pretend that you haven’t gone through those log files yet, but you’re planning to and hope she fesses up. Then again, you could go with option two, tell her you know but pretend that you’re cool about it all: this would allow you to get it out in the open and a chance to lay down some ground rules.

If you want to cut her off, you can say it’s because you cheated with her best friend before you broke up and you don’t feel you deserve someone like her. That ought to do some damage, but only try if you’re sure you can control the situation. Actually, there’s no way to predict what kind of response you’ll get (depends on what kind of spin you put on it), but if you’re looking for something different…

Then again, you could always put the information you have for more creative opportunities such as blackmail. So many possibilities… Anyway, it really depends on what you want to get out of it. If it’s guilt traps or weird power relationships, then don’t hesitate to do something odd. If you want closure, one way or another get things it all out in the open. Of course, if you want to repair a friendship, then at least demand some level of honesty.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Make a clean break. I would have major reservations on a friend that did something like that to you. It is better for theboth of you. I would advise just reducing time together to a nil until you go your seperate paths.

I was speaking idiomatically.

If a clean break happens, it happens. I'll let time decide.

I still refuse to let her think that she got away with doing such a thing without me knowing.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?