Nobody could ever love the real me

You know I've been thinking that obviously a relationship can only work if two people feel comfortable with each other in their most natural state. But what if you have so many flaws that this is impossible or unlikely. But even worse, what if you're conscious of your vices that you realize that anyone who likes you despite them must also be a bad person, ie anyone who would still be attracted to you after discovering the real you must be a pretty weird/strange/unattractive person. And when I say unattractive I don't necessarily mean physically, but just in general.

I have a number of bad qualities which I can list. These are things I cannot change about myself, they are either the result of my inherent personality or of a philosophy that I cannot discard:
1. I am lazy. Very lazy. I don't even like to go out. I do clean up behind myself, but I definitely don't ever like to clean up behind other people, like family members. I avoid washing dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. Surely I have to do these things in certain cases, but I will do what ever I can to avoid them. This is me. I have always been a lazy dude.
2. I am addicted to my computer. I never want to leave it. When I am away from it for more than maybe 24 hours I get really agitated and can no longer enjoy myself. This is probably something that needs to be dealt with on a psychological leve. But still.
3. I am capable of being very heartless and cruel. I will not elaborate; I'll just say that some of the things I've thought of doing or are just wrong. (Disclaimer none of these things have to do with rape, etc.) I really don't care that much about other people. I remember this one guy I was going to date was talking about how often he did community service. I was basically like, sage, I don't want to work for free, wtf.
4. Very cynical. I have like 0 optimism regarding most things, and rarely see the bright side of anything. I only see what is wrong. As an atheist I look at life as being pretty much just absurd, I often question my reason for living.
5. I really don't give a damn about my own family. Seriously. I just don't care. They have not wronged me particularly, but I do not see them as anything but friends. If one of them were to die, I'd be like, meh, okay, and be sad, but in no way heartbroken or torn apart. I used to feel very strongly for my mother, but this eventually faded.

As you can see pretty much all of these qualities make me up to be pretty much just a super-pessimistic and apathetic dude. I suck ass as a person. The thing is, I would never want to date someone like this. I would not want to see these qualities in someone else. But then, what kind of good person would see these qualities in me and love me despite them?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

It seems to me that all of those things are things which could be changed fairly easily with a little bit of effort and dedication. After all, there's nothing physically wrong with you that forces you to be mean, or sit on the computer all day, or be a lazy-ass. Saying there is nothing you can do to change these things just sounds like a cop-out to me.

To an extent, I do know how you feel, though. Most of the friends I have wouldn't be my friends any more if they knew I was an atheist, and I would probably lose my job, too. So I have to hide the fact and act the part of the good christian when I'm around them. Oh well, it's not particularly difficult or distasteful.

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I have kind of a similar "problem". People can love the real me, and have done in the past. However, I know for an absolute and certain fact that I'd drive them insane within a year. Reasons 1, 3 and 4 from your list apply to me as well. There are other things too.

In short, after the last excruciating disaster that I laughingly called "a loving relationship", I just decided that I'd stay single. I'm not saying that is the fate that you will have to accept, but it certainly doesn't bother me anymore. Being in relationships was starting to eat away at me from the inside.

The sad thing is that I know I probably could change, but I'd rather not. This is me, and I'll be damned if I'll change myself to please someone else. I decided to give up on romance, and love. The upside is that I get to remain who I am.

Whoever I've been with in the past has always either deluded themselves about my faults, which only works for so long, or taken me on with the unspoken assumption that I would change. In fact, it's always been a little of both. For a while, I tried going along with that. It didn't work, because I really didn't want to change, and so I gradually reverted to type. I feel so much less conflicted these days. Back when I was in a relationship, I felt like I was being pulled in two directions simultaneously.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as though I feel that I'm a reprehensible and evil person who is a blot on society. It's just that my qualities are not those which most people seem to look for in a life partner. I definitely understand where you're coming from on this. I don't suggest that the solution I chose is the one that you would be happy with, but I've not regretted or reconsidered my decision yet. Admittedly it's not been that long yet, but so far, it's the best decision I ever made.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

You know what? Until a little under two years ago, I thought the same thing about myself. I'm lazy, computer-addicted, caustic, cynical and utterly emotionally detached. God damn, I'm the most pessimistic person I know - Not only that, but I have a habit of crushing the morale of those around me, too.

Then, for a brief period of time, I had someone. This person was everything I was not - Active, computer-illiterate, caring, and optimistic. From this, I think I can figure that there truly are some circumstances where opposites do attract. Hell, it was only a brief thing for about a week before I had to return to the home country, but there was someone who understood me and actually gave a shit.

You just need to find the right person.

How ya doing, buddy?

Eleo, you're defeating yourself by saying that you CAN'T change any of those things. Most people have struggled with those same issues, you know. You can't just say "Well, this is me and I can't change it because this is just how I am," and expect to be able to get away with that. Because anyone worth a damn is going to say, "That's bullshit. You just don't want to put in the effort to change."

You're no worse than anyone else. Your character flaws are your own, but we ALL have them. Allowing yourself to surrender to them shouldn't be an option. We're all a work in progress. If you decide to just give up on trying to improve yourself, you're definitely going to have a sucky life, because a lot of the things on your list are just not conducive to having a happy one.

Incidentally, I have felt so many times the way you do...the part about anyone who loves you must be inferior or desperate or whatever. For years I would dump anyone who showed too much interest in me (and I still struggle with that today, even after being married for 11 years) because I figured that if they were that much into me, there had to be something wrong with them. That's just a projection of how you feel about yourself. You can overcome it.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Originally Posted by Alice

If you decide to just give up on trying to improve yourself, you're definitely going to have a sucky life, because a lot of the things on your list are just not conducive to having a happy one.

Yeah, people keep telling me that about my life too. Like Eleo, I'm a lazy, computer-addicted, cynical pessimist. That attitude seems to make people who don't know me well imagine that I need to change. I don't know about happiness, it's something that I've never known how to measure, or even define. Now if you want to talk about contentment, which I define as the feeling of having all that you need, and at least some of what you want, then I just don't see a problem with my life. I'm obviously including the intangible "things" that a person wants in that definition. I also don't see why any of the things on Eleo's list stand in between him and contentment. I mean, if you think he should conform to some kind of societally-imposed template, then say so. I won't think the less of you for that (like you'd care :P) and it's not an uncommon view. I will, however, beg to differ.

For me, the big breakthrough was when I realised that what I want does not include a romantic relationship. Society had conditioned me to believe that I wanted one, but when I examined that, I found that I couldn't actually see the positive side to it. There's nothing other than sex that a romantic relationship can provide, which friends can not. I'm not in the least interested in that, of course, and in the event Eleo is, he doesn't have to sell his soul by the pound to get it.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

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1. I am lazy. Very lazy.

I think it goes without saying that this is a bad thing. Do I really have to explain why?

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2. I am addicted to my computer. I never want to leave it.

OK, let's just get this straight. I love my computer, too. BUT IT'S NOT REAL LIFE. There's so much out there that you're going to miss if you don't get out of your house and do things. People, places, interesting things. You get the point.

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3. I am capable of being very heartless and cruel.

I will concede that it's a societal rule of sorts that people be nice. Of course, no one HAS to be nice to other people, but how far does being a cruel, heartless bastard get you in life?

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4. Very cynical.

Obviously this one character flaw is causing Eleo a lot of pain and grief (see his numerous threads and chocojournal entries about love, the lack of it, and not fully believing in it). Being cynical leads to being unhappy. Period.

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5. I really don't give a damn about my own family.

Family members can be the most annoying, hard to deal with, unsympathetic people you'll ever encounter. Almost everyone has gone through a stage in their lives where they couldn't care less if they ever saw their family again. But they're there when you need them and they love you (in most cases). People don't always see eye-to-eye with their family, but especially after a person has children of his own, it gets easier to understand them. I think it's very sad when people alienate themselves from their families.

Psst...I don't give a damn if you think less of me or not.

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by AliceNWondrland

I think it goes without saying that this is a bad thing. Do I really have to explain why?

Really, unless the person in question is lazy to the point where they can't keep a job, I fail to see the issue.

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OK, let's just get this straight. I love my computer, too. BUT IT'S NOT REAL LIFE. There's so much out there that you're going to miss if you don't get out of your house and do things. People, places, interesting things. You get the point.

Not really. I don't imagine that it's a 24/7 kind of a deal. It certainly isn't for me. I just don't prefer to be away from my home, and access to the computer for too long at a stretch.

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I will concede that it's a societal rule of sorts that people be nice. Of course, no one HAS to be nice to other people, but how far does being a cruel, heartless bastard get you in life?

Based on personal observations, substantially further than being nice to people. I admit that I tend to choose to be, if not nice, then at least neutral with most people, but I don't think it's winning me any prizes. Of course, I would have to admit that while my intention is usually to be neutral or better, that's not always the way I'm perceived.

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Obviously this one character flaw is causing Eleo a lot of pain and grief (see his numerous threads and chocojournal entries about love, the lack of it, and not fully believing in it). Being cynical leads to being unhappy. Period.

Character flaw? I consider it one of my strengths. I don't believe that cynicism is responsible for any of Eleo's problems. I believe that he and you may believe that, but I do not. I really do think that cynicism is the most sane response to the world that we live in. We both know that Eleo isn't sure he entirely believes in love, and I think that this is the real source of his unhappiness. It's my view that he really doesn't believe in love anymore, but hasn't fully internalised that belief yet. Transitional periods are hard. I'm willing to accept that view may be coloured by my own experiences though.

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Family members can be the most annoying, hard to deal with, unsympathetic people you'll ever encounter. Almost everyone has gone through a stage in their lives where they couldn't care less if they ever saw their family again. But they're there when you need them and they love you (in most cases). People don't always see eye-to-eye with their family, but especially after a person has children of his own, it gets easier to understand them. I think it's very sad when people alienate themselves from their families.

That would be judging him by your value system. Explain in objective terms how it is a problem for Eleo that he feels this way. I'm just not seeing it. I don't feel the same way myself, but nor am I especially close with my family.

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Psst...I don't give a damn if you think less of me or not.

Yes, I know this. It was a figure of speech, and I made note of the fact that you would not care. I was simply trying to say that if you think he should simply buckle down and conform, I'd rather you say it right out, rather than hint at it. It's a view I disagree with, of course.

I'm not trying to be hostile here, Alice, whether you care about that or not. I'm simply taking the opposing view. That was supposed to be a little tongue-in-cheek, to lighten the mood. I apologise if it didn't come off right, which it clearly did not. I'm trying to be in Eleo's corner here, because I feel that I've been to the place where he is now.

I'm not always good at not offending people, though, and since our views in most things seem to be diametrically opposed, that makes it much more likely that my occasional bad choice of words will misfire in your direction.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I think the only way for Eleo to help himself is to associate his time better. But that would mean to actually do something than an easy walk to a computer 3 feet from his bed. And by better time association, I mean to go and hang out at more socialized places. Clubs, parties, concerts, events, whatever, go MEET people. You do in some weird way "unlock" qualities about yourself. How? Simply be meeting different people. You run into individuals who'll be alot like you and who'll totally show you the light to other personalities

Eleo is antisocial only because it's natural. It's not because he wants to be. His current living conditions set him up for his current state of being. If his family died tomorrow and he were the sole survivor of some horriffic accident, do you think he'd still act in the current way? Chances are high on the probability that he'd change, because there's a NEED to change.

So, Eleo, it's mostly up to you if you want to change your way of life, or not. We really can't say much to help you other than agree with certain points of your situation confirming whether you are even in a situation. Maybe some suggestions can be made if you choose to start a change, but nothing we can do directly.

How ya doing, buddy?

I think Eleo needs to get out a little more.

I mean, I don't want to be insulting, but when you're "very very lazy," you "love your computer and never want to leave it," et cetera, it's hard to actually get out and find a niche in life for some hope.

So yea, we're all a bunch of cynical assholes who can be really mean at some points.

But I have a feeling Eleo has been through some shit in his life to make him cling to the non-tangibles, and trust things that won't hurt him.

He's cynical. He's mean. He doesn't really like his family too much. It sounds to me like some people close to him have fucked him over a lot in life, and now he's let himself become attached to non-reality with little hope.

Now, I am sure I haven't got it all right here - I wish Eleo himself could confirm. But if it IS whats going on, there's only way to move forward if you actually want to.

GET OVER IT. Pick up your shit, grow some balls, and get out there man. People are mean, and people will hurt your feelings. This is a fact of life. You just need to pick and choose what you listen to, and keep moving. You can't just stall out in the middle of it all and give up.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

is it the fact that you feel you're unable to start a sucessful relationship honestly being who you are bothering you or your character?

i'm also similiar to you except i blame it on my family and environment i grew up in >.> but i don't feel that nobody could love the real me because it's not an issue that interests me, mainly because i don't feel the need to get into that sort of relationship or start one.

and if it was real love, i don't think it would matter much to them.

you said you're capable of being heartless and cruel, but that means you're not always, just as much as i have the capablility of being an absolute whore/bitch etc doesn't mean i have to be one. so it's actually a positive attribute in that sense.

also community service isn't something for everyone anyway, everyone has their own way of contributing to society whether they realise it or not, such as helping out newbies in game or forums, subscribing to various charities and donating, or just giving the correct/necessary information to the passing stranger who asks.

oh and i can connect to the not being able to change the lazy part, it's unbelievably hard once you've got into the habit of it, but i find that it tends to go away if it's over something that interests me.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Originally Posted by Eleo

I have a number of bad qualities which I can list. These are things I cannot change about myself, they are either the result of my inherent personality or of a philosophy that I cannot discard:
1. I am lazy. Very lazy. I don't even like to go out. I do clean up behind myself, but I definitely don't ever like to clean up behind other people, like family members. I avoid washing dishes, mowing the lawn, etc. Surely I have to do these things in certain cases, but I will do what ever I can to avoid them. This is me. I have always been a lazy dude.
2. I am addicted to my computer. I never want to leave it. When I am away from it for more than maybe 24 hours I get really agitated and can no longer enjoy myself. This is probably something that needs to be dealt with on a psychological leve. But still.
3. I am capable of being very heartless and cruel. I will not elaborate; I'll just say that some of the things I've thought of doing or are just wrong. (Disclaimer none of these things have to do with rape, etc.) I really don't care that much about other people. I remember this one guy I was going to date was talking about how often he did community service. I was basically like, sage, I don't want to work for free, wtf.
4. Very cynical. I have like 0 optimism regarding most things, and rarely see the bright side of anything. I only see what is wrong. As an atheist I look at life as being pretty much just absurd, I often question my reason for living.
5. I really don't give a damn about my own family. Seriously. I just don't care. They have not wronged me particularly, but I do not see them as anything but friends. If one of them were to die, I'd be like, meh, okay, and be sad, but in no way heartbroken or torn apart. I used to feel very strongly for my mother, but this eventually faded.

I think you just described the guy I was talking about that wanted to date me down to the letter. He's a really sweet, liberal guy who would rather cuddle than force a guy/girl to have sex, but he does fit those major descriptions. While I was at college last semester, he found this really sweet guy and they dated for a few months until something weird happened. They are still buddies and they still talk, but it is possible to meet a sweet person that loves those traits without being like that as well.

There are a few positives that can fall under those traits, and different people have different ways of thinking about what they want and what they don't want.

How ya doing, buddy?

You shouldn't have to apologize for the way you are (unless you're intentionally being inconsiderate). And if someone were to find you attractive despite your flaws, don't belittle their affection just because you believe it's illogical.

I think you like being alone and that this is your way of justifying it.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I can definitely sympathize with most of these.

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1. I am lazy.

Most of the time I'm insanely lazy. Once in a great while some insane bug hits me and I just go crazy and spend most of the day cleaning up my room and getting back organized. It's nice to actually get that once in awhile though. Of course, by the time the next week rolls around its back to the state it was in before, and stays that way for a few months =/

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2. I am addicted to my computer. I never want to leave it. When I am away from it for more than maybe 24 hours I get really agitated and can no longer enjoy myself.

Same here. In extenuating circumstances I've been able to stay away for more than 24 hours, but I have to be very active doing a ton of other stuff. Other times, just going to 3 hours of straight classes is enough to start making me antsy.

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3. I am capable of being very heartless and cruel.

I generally don't let this show, but the stuff you mentioned, yeah. Community service? WHY? I mean yeah, I'm glad there are the types that will do that sort of stuff, but I'm not one of them. Lately this part of me has shrunken, I'm not really happy or sad about it though =/.

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4. Very cynical. I have like 0 optimism regarding most things, and rarely see the bright side of anything. I only see what is wrong. As an atheist I look at life as being pretty much just absurd, I often question my reason for living.

I'm not quite that bad, I'm more of a realist, which is just half a step away from a pessimist. I generally see the bad side of things bec

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5. I really don't give a damn about my own family.

This is the only place where I'd have to differ with you . But probably your family experience is a lot different than mine, which might account for this. There were times where I absolutely hated my family but for awhile now I've really appreciated them.

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As you can see pretty much all of these qualities make me up to be pretty much just a super-pessimistic and apathetic dude. I suck ass as a person. The thing is, I would never want to date someone like this. I would not want to see these qualities in someone else. But then, what kind of good person would see these qualities in me and love me despite them?

I don't think you should give up complete hope in this department. I've met several people that have hooked up with people that just make me think...wtf, mate? But more often than not it actually works out.

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But like the person above said, you probably just like being alone. I'm one of those types....sure, I guess I'd enjoy a relationship, I've met a few girls, but I'm just a lot happier alone. I guess my chemistry is just that f'd up =/.

But if you are happy being alone, just acknowledge that and try to live from there. It's helped me be happier.

There's plenty of people who just aren't happy in any sort of romantic relationship, so you are hardly unique in this matter.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

This is why I don't understand athiests. If you believe that nothing in this world makes a bit of difference, then of course you're going to be lazy, mean, and hateful towards even your own family. I would be too!

I think we do have a purpose. I think we have something to find in this life. It bothers me when people say, "I don't want to change anything about me because I don't give a shit about anyone else." These people usually live a life that has no purpose, it seems.

You have to act civilized to do anything. You have to have respect even if you don't want to give it. You've got to seek ambition to be better. Sure, be yourself but don't put others in harmsway and don't expect people to like everything about the 'real' you.

So, in conclusion, I don't think that anyone who is in a long-term relationship (marrige) shows their 'real me' 100% of the time. You've got to care for people. If you don't then no one cares for you. You've got to work hard to keep a relationship. You've got to tough it out. I have braces. Sometimes, I just want to take them out NOW! I just want to do nothing more than to sit here at the computer and not go to school until my parents finally let me get these out. Toughen up! The results will pay off pluenty.

This is what it takes to live in this world. Were humans. It has been like for thousands of years!

Joseph

FELIPE NO

Are you sure you're not confusing atheism and nihilism?

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by jsphweid

This is why I don't understand athiests. If you believe that nothing in this world makes a bit of difference, then of course you're going to be lazy, mean, and hateful towards even your own family. I would be too!

Being an athiest doesn't mean that you don't think anything in the world makes a difference. It means you don't believe in God. If you claim not to see a difference, then I suggest that you're deliberately not seeing it.

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I think we do have a purpose. I think we have something to find in this life. It bothers me when people say, "I don't want to change anything about me because I don't give a shit about anyone else." These people usually live a life that has no purpose, it seems.

How about "I don't want to have to change anything about me, because this is how I want to be?". Personally, I give a crap about several people. None of them expect or want me to change who I am.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I dont see why any of those are BAD things, per se. Maybe the cruel thing depending on how that works out but everything else is just part of being a human being.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

GET OVER IT. Pick up your shit, grow some balls, and get out there man. People are mean, and people will hurt your feelings. This is a fact of life. You just need to pick and choose what you listen to, and keep moving. You can't just stall out in the middle of it all and give up.

Very true and possibly the best advice to listen to. Life isnt sugar coated, and neither should advice about it be the same. Same instance with those who complain about the suffering, if you suffer, you suffer because you choose to. Not because life or someone above it (Big brother, God, some form of higher being) chooses to watch you writhe in it and get a bunch of shits and giggles from the consistency of pitfalls you encounter.

Keep on keepin' on, and don't stop for the past. If you do, you'll be left behind. As for life as well, its a pain in the fucking ass, but those who we surround ourselves with make the ride more enjoyable. I mean comeon, you've got a bunch of forum mates here for ya.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

It maybe hard to believe but i have almost those same qualities in RL. I mean, besides not caring about my family, it is not so much i don't care, it is just that to me, they are people, all people in my eyes are people, nothing special, nothing lower. So if one died, i wouldn't even stop to think about it. I have no optimism or positive thinking for that matter but i can still 'believe' and 'try' which no one is going to sue me for. Being computer addicted is not bad, and it is not good, although it doesn't help that you are lazy because if you were wanting to get over it bad enough you would have already done something like gone on a computer Ramadan and see how long you can last, eventually you can break the habit and turn it into something like an hour here and and hour there. Laziness is just a form of pure wastefulness, although you obviously wouldn't care, if you think about it here is the negative side since you have no optimism, being lazy causes others to view your form of laziness as rebellion, because of this you can set a bad example for your peers by making others believe that all people your age are the same way and thus causing the rest of us to look bad and have to deal with your laziness. obviously if you can get on the computer and move the mouse and type all you typed, you are not lazy. You are just stubborn to helping others around the house doing things that you feel are not your responsibility. Well, life is tough, deal with it and just do what you are told until you move out of the house or something. There is no need to try and avoid something that in reality doesn't take much effort to do and in the end makes you realize that you can use those mindless tasks to help you overcome your computer addiction and laziness at the same time.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

I think Eleo needs to get out a little more.

I mean, I don't want to be insulting, but when you're "very very lazy," you "love your computer and never want to leave it," et cetera, it's hard to actually get out and find a niche in life for some hope.

So yea, we're all a bunch of cynical assholes who can be really mean at some points.

But I have a feeling Eleo has been through some shit in his life to make him cling to the non-tangibles, and trust things that won't hurt him.

He's cynical. He's mean. He doesn't really like his family too much. It sounds to me like some people close to him have fucked him over a lot in life, and now he's let himself become attached to non-reality with little hope.

Now, I am sure I haven't got it all right here - I wish Eleo himself could confirm. But if it IS whats going on, there's only way to move forward if you actually want to.

GET OVER IT. Pick up your shit, grow some balls, and get out there man. People are mean, and people will hurt your feelings. This is a fact of life. You just need to pick and choose what you listen to, and keep moving. You can't just stall out in the middle of it all and give up.

You're close.

I don't feel that fucked over by people. People have fucked me over in the past but I don't think that's what gets me. I feel fucked over by fate.

Shit happens, and I understand that. I can deal with shitty things happening to me. There will be bad days, bad weeks, bad months, or bad years. Sure.

But there have been so many times when I get fucked over in the worst way, a psychological sort of way. I often feel like someone, somewhere, is messing with my head. I mean, if I get robbed, I can just chalk that up to the kind of thing that happens to people. But there's a point where a set of coincidences can be so perfectly aligned (in a terrible way) that I just can't help but to assume somebody planned it. Or I can ignore that notion until something like that happens multiple times, then I just can't help to belive it.

But it's not that alone. It's watching my family members go through the same shit. They are all in a state of discontent, and mostly because they've been kicked in the nuts every time they've tried to move up. I understand that there are troubling times in life, but I guess I expect a point where you can ultimately succeed at life. I'm not saying bad shit will stop happening to you completely and you live in 100% happiness, but there should be a point where you can WIN. I don't see that in them. I see failure. And in my parents especially, I've seen that they've given up. To an extent this makes me give up as well. I've had the same problems over a smaller period of time so my trend may be false, but then seeing their trend carry on throughout their lives just kind of proves it.

An example being my mother. She was unhappy with her life. Thought she wasn't getting paid enough. So she went to college! Four years of college. Meanwhile my father is spending every weekend trying to take care of my two baby brothers while she's trying to make a better life for all of us. She finally graduates which is great. But she never really made that much more money. What's worse is that she couldn't afford to pay off her student loans. To this day she has more than $200,000 in loans. Filing bankruptcy isn't even an option. Somehow she owes this money directly to the government and nothing can reverse it. This is an example of her doing everything right, and ultimately FAILING. Furthernore, it's not even a small failure. it's pretty much a lifelong failure. She will forever be in debt and in the end never really helped anyone, not even herself.

I've seen people very happy with their lives. What's really frustrating about it is how it at least seems like very few of them actually worked for it. They just got a head start for everything, and nothing has ever brought them down. I look at these people as the people I was born to envy; they exist so I can judge the relative shittiness of my life and so I can try to get what they have and fail.

My family is just a huger example of this. I look at them, and I pretty much see my lot in life. And of course many people will tell me how the sky's the limit, blah blah. But I realize, life sucks ass for some people. And I feel I am one of these people.

This is why I don't give a shit. I'd have to see some huge trend for my philosophy on this to be reversed.

I can go out into the world, be brave, etc, but my life is still going to suck ass at the end of it all, so I say, "why bother?"

So to anyone who says that I can just change this, like I can just up and reverse my outlook on life; I say no, I can't. I can't up and conclude that gravity does not exist because it might make me feel better because all the evidence that it does exist is right there. Before I can change my outlook on life I need to see some evidence.

I'm getting ready to go back to school. I am going to try once again to make a better life for myself. I want to get a degree, get a good job, etc. Just fucking be happy for once. You know, all the shit people say you have to do to live a good life. I'm going to work for it. But if it doesn't work out, I quit.



While this sort of expands on what I've said previously, none of this really applies to the fact that I feel I cannot be loved for who I am; or that I could not love anyone who loves me for who I am. There's a limit to how much you can change, I feel. I can do more stuff and use the computer less, but I'll always want to, and that will never change. I feel cynical about the world, and that could change based on circumstances, but it might not. There are inherent qualities about people, and I think it would be super tense to try to pretend in a relationship.

Thinking back to the most recent guy I dated, that was a factor in why I didn't see myself falling in love with him. I couldnt' see him liking the real me; even though I never revealed it to him. What some other posters have said about opposites attracting gives me hope in this respect, but I still have my doubts.

I was speaking idiomatically.

You know, complaining about it won't help a thing (but ranting does help smooth it out a bit). Yet don't feel that your situation is hopeless, there is an odd...concept that I have come in terms with...which is called "unconditional love." Supposedly most parents (ideal ones at the least) love for you who you are merely because you are "you." I never understood this though, but there is hope in that aspect that people can love irregardless of atrocities and ill characteristics...I wonder about myself sometimes...people accept me as who I am...what the hell?

But of course...like everone else it doesnt hurt to instigate a diverse public apparel.

How ya doing, buddy?

It's okay, Eleo. I don't think you suck.

You could be suffering from some form of depression...but I don't know; you're the motherfucking therapist around here, not I.

FELIPE NO

Think of it as their fault and not yours, you are someone who high intelligence, some ill-qualities but nothing too serious and the only thing about you people might be worried about is thinking that getting to know you is to much of a hassle. If you were to be able to talk with girls (not about pessimistic things obviously) and let them get to know you a bit, i have the same problem where since i wear all black, a black jacket and black sunglasses (in or outside) and black hit-man style gloves with a stern Secret Service face people assume i am some 'soon to be next dictator' kinda guy, especially when i rant about political issues and make everyone just look at me weird and whisper like i am deaf. But all the friends i have, girls included like be because they got past my outer self and went into me more, sure i have qualities like yours, and some even further and harder to like but there is always a good quality in a person, i know that no one human is made of complete bad qualities, even Hitler had his ups, as small as they were.

Don't think about how much your life sucks and try to believe that you are the apple that fell further from the tree and your failure problem that your family has might end with you, you have the power over your own destiny and what has happened has pasted and cannot be changed, just think about what you can do to make your future better and it will, the only reason people fail is because we have the mindset to believe there is no other way.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Kaleb.G

It's okay, Eleo. I don't think you suck.

You could be suffering from some form of depression...but I don't know; you're the motherfucking therapist around here, not I.

It's like I'm depressed-but-not-depressed. I really don't have any symptoms of depression but I look at life as extremely glum and wish I were happier.

And everyone knows that psychologists are out of their minds. They usually get into that field to figure out what's wrong with them

Jam it back in, in the dark.