My [real] Angst [hueg liek xbox]

6 years ago, my brother was beat-up at school during the "recess" break.

No one knows for sure what happened that day, the cops, the Private Investigators (more about this later), children involved, children who witnessed the act of (At least in my opnion: extreme) violence, and teachers varies with each statement.

The result of the violence, was that my brother suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury to his Frontal Lobe.
http://www.neuroskills.com/tbi/injury.shtml
http://www.neuroskills.com/tbi/bfrontal.shtml
(References if anybody needs them or wants to learn more.)

I came home from High School (my brother was 12, I was 14) and had just found out that my brother was beat-up at school. He had a concusion and a broken nose... Nobody knew for sure how bad the damage was. At least, I didn't. I was 14, imature, and to be honest, I couldn't really comprehend what had just happened and what would unfold during the years to come. If only I had known then, what I know now.

After the attack, my brother was a complete wreck. He was literally, almost retarded. He was pretty much "shellshocked" as well. He was like a girl, who had been raped ten times. He was afraid of everything. When there would be a knock on the door, he would hide in his closet. He would walk around in his underwear and a construction helmet. My brother had regressed, his mentality was that of a 6 to 8 year old.

The next few weeks, my parents were under a lot of stress. I really don't know/remember what happened with the (Roman Catholic) Schoolboard except that they didn't do their job properly. My parents then took my brother to the hospital (for more x-Rays [which they also did when it happened]) and found out that my brother had suffered a Brain Injury.

At the request/suggestion of our family physician we contacted a specific lawyer. After hiring a private investigator, he found out that the teacher who was supposed to be on yard duty, was having a cigarette and another teacher just stood inside the classroom and watched it all from the window.
He found out that there were multiple kids involved, yet one took the blame, and was sentenced to six months of probation as he was only 12...

There has been an ongoing lawsuit with the Roman Catholic schoolboard, for over 5 years. It's supposed to end this summer, but I doubt it will. Also, because of the type of person I am, I cannot do anything unless there is closure, and I've been waiting on this for 5 years.

My parents have lost their house, ruined themselves (emotionally and physically) and ran up a bill of over $750,000 with the lawyer, within the first 6 months of the lawsuit. It seems as if my entire life rides shotgun with this bitch.

My brother is now 19, and still acts like he's 12-14... He is essentially not the same brother I grew up with.

The lawsuit, well it's expected that I should end up with $300,000-$500,000. $300,000 with a theoretical 25% interest, that's $75,000 a year. Or, $1,875 ("working" 40 hours) a week...

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I was bullied in High School, mainly to do with my brother. I was eventually told by the Principal that if I did not like or could not handle what people said to me, then "to stay home". So, I did just that. Being 15 imature, and depressed, I figured why the fuck not.

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There were support groups for my parents, for adults, but nothing for me at the time. My parents were too stressed (obviously) and too busy with my brother (driving him for hours for appointments or constant lawyer visits...) to even notice me. I feel as if [omg linkin park time] I grew up with my Angst!

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I was also sent to counsellors and psychologists.. and when I told them things like "if I could support myself and live in a house in a forest away from it all, I would" and apparently this was enough to institutionalize me.

I eventually became so depressed, that I tried ending my life. I ended up swallowing ninety-one 100mg Triazadone. I know the number because apparently, when you kill yourself, you count them, for some strange reason.

But I digress, I lived (obviously) and was institutionalized once again, but at least this time they had a valid reason. I feel as if I'm crazy or at least that's how everyone views me. As if for thinking this way, I deserve to be institutionalized. Mind you, at 15 being stuck with meth addicts, suicidal fucks, and schizophrenics... really does a number on the way you perceive yourself.

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Now, my mom does nothing other than sit on the computer playing Pogo online and mooching off my step-dad while bitching and complaining about him and basically picking up men online.

My step-dad works, 40+ hours a week, and has to drive an hour just to get to his work... and instead of moving closer to his work... we moved further away... in the middle of nowhere....

He does nothing other than, eat, sleep, and watch porn.... He's fat... he's lazy... he does nothing... He calls my brother a retard all day long... and more... and ugh... too much typing.

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I don't even know how to explain my situation... let alone my brother and the effects of what happened... But... Basically, I feel as if the mistakes I made in the past are now coming back to bite me in the ass. I can't get a (good) job (as I have no High School diploma), I now live in the middle of nowhere (without a license and a car and a job...) and I feel as if I cannot escape the past, as if I'm backed into a corner, and as if this is the grave I (and life) have dug myself (and for me).

I want to move forward (from all of this, especially the incident with my brother), but there's nothing available to me, it seems.

I feel as if I have nothing to offer anybody or even show for myself except excess baggage. I hear "You're a great guy" or "You're amazing" or "You're one of the sweetest/coolest/amazing guys I've met/I know"... but for some reason, I hate hearing it, even if it may be true... This accounts for nothing in the real world. Where will being "cool" or "sweet" get me in life? The North Pole or a Candy Store? I have nothing but baggage and a ticket that says "One day you could be rich" which means nothing either...

PS: I know this was basically an entire novel, but I need to get it off my chest... I need to hear suggestions... I don't care if this goes unnoticed and unread, as I already feel like it has gone unnoticed and uncared for.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Fuck that sucks. You may not be able to get a decent job with out a diploma but min wage is live able income.

Have you ever considered just walking away from all of that? I mean just pack your bags and walk to a near by town. Go to a church or some other organization that helps the homeless, get a job working fast food (which sucks but they will hire you in an instant) and save some money until you can get a cheap apartment. From there you can take classes in your free time to work towards getting your GED.

I know the first 2 months would be hard but after than things could get better… because it doesn’t sound like where you are right now is very healthy.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

It is a bad situation, but you don't have to be trapped inside of it forever. If there were any relatives you can trust, I would see if you could explain the situation and arrange to move in with them (also discuss this with both of your parents). From the sounds of it, getting away from the current scenario for awhile and starting fresh would do you good. From there, you should get your HS Diploma or GED first and foremost. You may also want to consider getting a part-time job during the weekends while you go to school, in order to build up experience for getting a steady job after you graduate. Having that would be a good springboard into getting a halfway decent job, and perhaps obtaining a college education someday.

You are still young, and have loads of time to bail out of this situation if you are ready to take some firm steps in the opposite direction. I would say being personable and making an impression on people as you are describing is a huge asset. Half the battle in any job interview is often times the impression you make on the person considering you for the position. Having all the experience and qualifications in the posting is not always necessary.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

It's would be a major undertaking to establish yourself, a ton of work would have to go into it. I'm not going to slight you and say you couldn't handle it. You most likely can. Once your situation falls to the point where you can't imagine that you could be more fed up, you'll have plenty of motivation. The rub will be when the improvements come in slowly. At first you may just be satisfied with the idea that you're trying. Once that wears off, you might find yourself wondering just how your life is any better than when you weren't breaking your back towards a more ideal life. That will be the major wall to scale. Anticipate it and you'll be better equipped to overcome it.

Whether you're willing throw yourself into the deep end or not as Gumby suggests, I don't know. I wouldn't be. But I can't really tell if there's any other workable solution towards your transportation woes and where the jobs and schools are at.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Get your license and your canuckian equivilant of a GED.

Maybe you shouldn't go live the hobo's life like gumby said. He's an idiot.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Looks like you were forced to grow up pretty quickly.

If it were me, I would do just that--grow up asap: get my GED, get a job, get a license and car, and get the heck away from there.

Then again, there is always that nagging feeling of loyalty... of wanting to make sure your brother isn't bullied (by your stepdad, among other things).

I think you hit on a key point, though; you're pretty much stuck where you are since you don't have a high school diploma. So perhaps take one thing at a time, and try to get that diploma. You're not too old to do so, from the sounds of it. After obtaining that, a lot of options will open up.

Some people seem to just get the worst of it in life, and we don't know why. I wish I knew why God picked some people to put through intense pain and not others. I wish I believed life always turned out for the best...

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

In addition to the job & finishing high school thing, consider moving in with some other relatives if you absolutely are in the middle of nowhere and can't get to a job. Aunts/Uncles, grandparents, etc. Or if you can sync up a job, split a house with some college students or something - rent'll be cheap.

Do something, though. Any job will help you feel like you're contributing and have power in your life.

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Originally Posted by How Unfortunate

In addition to the job & finishing high school thing, consider moving in with some other relatives if you absolutely are in the middle of nowhere and can't get to a job. Aunts/Uncles, grandparents, etc. Or if you can sync up a job, split a house with some college students or something - rent'll be cheap.

Do something, though. Any job will help you feel like you're contributing and have power in your life.

There's a slight problem with that. Because of the lawsuit and the people involved (apparently two of my cousins, the adopted one took the blame, and my first cousin) there's a major rift in my family.

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It sounds to me like you've got alot of shame about kind of losing control of yourself. You need to understand that the situation you were put in is not the kind of thing anyone should ever have to deal with, and that it is not unusual or wrong for you to feel the way you do.

Are there any adults you trust that you could talk to? It's hard for us to give you good advice since most of us are still teenagers ourselves, and we don't know all the ins and outs of your situation, but a trustworthy adult could maybe show you some options you haven't thought of yet. To me it sounds like you should probably get into some counseling, just to help you deal with all the feelings you have about everything that's happened and continues to happen. There may be a way for you to get help from the government to support yourself away from your parents, or someone you know might be willing to put you up.

There is always a way through tough times, you've just got to be strong enough to keep looking for it.

I'm sorry for everything you've gone through, that's a really shitty situation to be put it.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

Reznor, I think the best approach to your situation is simple. Just leave it. Okay your Dad is a bit disturbed and insanse to live further away from work and be entertained far too much by porn. Your Mom being some online sex seeker or whatever. And your brother, well, nothing you really can do about him at the moment. But you, you're still in okay condition. So, what are your options at this point?

Well, for one, I hope you're in school at the moment. Higher education is almost the key to getting out of these types of situations. Basically, to have a life.

Secondly, you can opt to stick by your family and try to keep them focused on life. But your parents are probably under the most stress as they feel the impossible had been presented to them. "I can't afford to pay for all these things and get my son back, why lie."

And also, I wouldn't try to feel depressed at all to what's going on, if I were you. I know it may be easy for me to say so, but you've really got to look at it through another perspective. It's pointless.

My Dad once lived through a similar type of situation during his growing up days. But not to such an extreme level of intensity. His parents always argued and fought with each other. His Dad would lose his temper often and break something. His brother was hopeless, a delinquent who only knew one person, himself. Looking at that collection of people, my Dad sticks out as the shining star and last hope for the family. The only person who can really push forward and better his life than trying to fix his parent's relations with each other. Or trying to motivate his brother to taking education more seriously. He'd always be frustrated by the constant arguing or blaming from his parents & brothers, but he had one driving hope remaining. "I've got to get out of here."

You cannot stick with your sinking ship and hope to magically have it cruising again. Get the heck out and better your life. All it takes is a piece of flimsy paper with the declaration of some degree of study you specialize in.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Originally Posted by nadienne

It sounds to me like you've got alot of shame about kind of losing control of yourself. You need to understand that the situation you were put in is not the kind of thing anyone should ever have to deal with, and that it is not unusual or wrong for you to feel the way you do.

You're right, I do have a lot of shame. But the way I feel is that I have a right to be shameful. Everybody thinks I'm in University and have a great job... but when I tell them I'm a High School dropout... They totally change on me and the way they treat me... It doesn't matter to them that I'm trying to get my diploma either... I once had a friend's girlfriend (who is in University for Psychology, mind you) tell me that (direct quote) "It's been four years, you should just get over it [what happened to my brother]"... Basically, I feel like I've been struck down... and I can't help but be ashamed of myself and my position. I can't help but feel like everybody's looking down at me...

Originally Posted by nadienne

Are there any adults you trust that you could talk to? It's hard for us to give you good advice since most of us are still teenagers ourselves, and we don't know all the ins and outs of your situation, but a trustworthy adult could maybe show you some options you haven't thought of yet. To me it sounds like you should probably get into some counseling, just to help you deal with all the feelings you have about everything that's happened and continues to happen. There may be a way for you to get help from the government to support yourself away from your parents, or someone you know might be willing to put you up.

I WOULD like counseling... but there is no way I can afford it... and I'm also picky with whom I talk to about these types of things considering my track record/history with the Psych* field. I don't know any adults and add to the fact that I'm embarassed of myself completely... Yeah.

Originally Posted by nadienne

There is always a way through tough times, you've just got to be strong enough to keep looking for it.

I'm sorry for everything you've gone through, that's a really shitty situation to be put it.

I keep looking... I've tried every option available to me at the moment, and I can't help but feel like I'm failing more even though I'm trying harder as well.

There's no need to be sorry, Nadienne.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

You can't support your family, you can't help your brother - so you're left to help yourself. I think the first thing you have to get straight is the fact that you cannot help anyone as they are now, and to move on from that.

Liberation before action.

As for a job, living out in the middle of fuck and damn is a bit of a problem if you lack a car or a license. I'd suggest having your mom take you out to get some time in and then go for a license. The moment you do that - you're mobile. As for a job, I'd suggest going to work for your town - I did Parks And Rec for a while and though the job was tough and run by a bunch of cocksuckers, it paid the bills. Towns are always looking for people to do shit like mow lawns and ... other non-degree things.

Yeah, your situation is complete fucking shit - but it'll stay that way if you want it to. You sound like you want to do something about it - so do it, man.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Reznor, the number one most important thing for you to come to grips with is that in order survive - literally - you're probably going to have to leave your family behind. What you're describing is a situation that no one would be able to remedy, no matter how much they wanted to.

You're going to have to somehow ditch the idea that getting yourself out of this situation is selfish, because it's the only way you're going to make it.

I agree with whoever said that you should just walk away. You're probably going to be hungry and jobless for five minutes, but I have complete confidence that you'll pull yourself out of that situation very quickly. Do you live near a large city, or can you get to one? If so, that's probably your ticket to freedom. Public transportation is very cheap. If you think you can stick it out in your current situation long enough to get a job first, that would be ideal. But even if you don't, you have to get out of there.

What happened to your brother is sad, but it wasn't your fault and you have a responsibility to yourself. You're never going to be any good to anyone else if you don't have your own shit straight.

Good luck to you.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Quote:

You can't support your family, you can't help your brother - so you're left to help yourself. I think the first thing you have to get straight is the fact that you cannot help anyone as they are now, and to move on from that.

Liberation before action.

As for a job, living out in the middle of fuck and damn is a bit of a problem if you lack a car or a license. I'd suggest having your mom take you out to get some time in and then go for a license. The moment you do that - you're mobile. As for a job, I'd suggest going to work for your town - I did Parks And Rec for a while and though the job was tough and run by a bunch of cocksuckers, it paid the bills. Towns are always looking for people to do shit like mow lawns and ... other non-degree things.

Yeah, your situation is complete fucking shit - but it'll stay that way if you want it to. You sound like you want to do something about it - so do it, man.

I have to say I agree with you.

Dude, it seems you've been living your life up until this point for other people ( your family, your brother) But if you really want to look out for those people, you've got to get your own life grounded first. Start on the most important, and work your way up. You need a car, and to get one, you need your license. After your gotten over that hurdle, you need a cheap car to get yourself around. If you look in the paper, your bound to come across one for a few hundred bucks. Ive got an old Chevette from the 70's and she runs like a champ. One you've got a car, you can get to town and get some work, and so on and so forth. Once you start taking control of your life, I believe your self confidence will rise, as you'll feel as you are acomplishing something with yourself. Good luck bro.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I'm in agreement here. While my parents' situation isn't anywhere near as disastrous, I've had to accept that there reaches a point where there's nothing you can do for your family. You're not Superman. What needs to happen is for you to focus on helping yourself. Maybe someday you can revisit all this and have the ability to do something, but not now.

My recommendation is to burn down the Roman Catholic schoolboard, wash your hands of the whole affair, and move on with your life. Kick the fuckers right in the balls then close that chapter on your life once and for all.

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Originally Posted by Mojougwe

You cannot stick with your sinking ship and hope to magically have it cruising again. Get the heck out and better your life. All it takes is a piece of flimsy paper with the declaration of some degree of study you specialize in.

Yes. Education is of utmost importance. In today's world, it is your ticket to freedom and to get of out that sinking ship. And if I may add, Maths is indeed really important in today's world. Many courses require maths and I think it isn't a subject that cannot be studied by yourself.

How ya doing, buddy?