Worst GFF Fanfiction: Mo0 vs. Rasputin vs. Dark Nation

Round 1: Mo0 vs. Rasputin vs. Dark Nation

See this thread for details. Read all 3 stories, and vote for which one you think is the absolute worst, the one that captures the spirit of bad fanfiction. The winner moves on to the final round to compete against Stop Sign. If you thought the first bracket was bad, you haven't seen anything yet. DEEP HURTING

Entry #1: Snake vs. Big Boss
Audio File: Get the Flash Player to play this audio file:
Entry #2: Mario and teh Quest for Truth

Entry #3: Dyke Wars Episode II - Assault of the Straights

Jam it back in, in the dark.

HEY. Why hasn't anyone voted yet? Does anyone even know there's a second thread?

There's nowhere I can't reach.

Unfortunately, the new game of Werewolf has started, so this thread no longer gets front page attention for days on end.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Yeah, I didn't even realize this had been posted until just now. Who bothers to check Laughs & Games?

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Can we get a mod announcement posted, at least? >8U

I was speaking idiomatically.

Snake vs Big Boss: This made my stomach turn.

Mario and teh Quest for Truth: Anyone who writes a bad fanfic this convincingly must read these quite often on his own time.

Dyke Wars, Episode II: DURKA DURKA JIHAD!! LOLOLOL

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Spoiler:

So, is it "ancient Tranny wars", or "Ancient Tranny wars".

FELIPE NO

I voted for the first one - It has an audio file, and the end reminded me of myself thinking about ugly Facebank rape - v=CNzu76uZZPs

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

This was a difficult choice for me, because all three are so very wretched. I narrowed it down to #2 and #3. #3 has got length, poor writing, and random tangents in its favor, and it made me laugh more than once, but ultimately it's more soft-core porn than fanfic. A first grader could produce a more grammatically correct story than #2, and the complete nonsensicality of it puts it over the top. #2 exemplifies the worst kind of fanfiction.

Plus,

Spoiler:

LUIGI, NOT NOW said Mario OR ELSE THEYLL KNOW

Jam it back in, in the dark.

While all were incredibly bad, I think what pushed my vote, "Snake vs. Big Boss" over the top was the audio. It definitely reflected the corniness of the entire thing.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

We need a tiebreaker before Wednesday, folks.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Whoa, I completely forgot about this! I narrowed it down to #2 and #3 pretty quickly. The first one was suitably terrible, but it just wasn't as funny as the other two. #2 was pretty good, especially the line Nutty already quoted. I was almost ready to vote for it and avoid reading the lengthy third entry, but decided to be fair even though creating a threeway tie would have been mildly amusing.

Despite my initial reaction of "Seven pages? Christ, not right now," #3 gets my vote. I laughed, I cried, I was disgusted by the stupidity of the whole thing. It borders on having too much effort put into it, but that kind of makes it even worse in this case. Just ask Steve from Accounting.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Congratulations, Dark Nation! You will be moving on to the final round to face Stop Sign. I'll give you 2 weeks to write your new stories, then I'll post them for a final vote.

I was speaking idiomatically.