GFF Literary Workshop: Week 8

Welcome to the rotating literary workshop here at GFF. Each week will feature a new piece of member-written literature for you to critique and constructively criticize. Download and read the work at the bottom of this post, and offer your comments! The event will continue as long as there are submissions in the queue, so be sure to nominate and participate!

Comment Rules
There are no rules per se, but all comments are expected to be mature and within the bounds of common decency. The key is to be as helpful as possible to allow the author to improve their work.

Each work will be open for comments for one week, starting on Monday and ending on Sunday.

Submission Rules
The workshop is open to any and all GFF members; simply post in the thread and ask to be added to the queue. New participants are automatically placed at the top of the queue to allow them a week to prepare a submission.

Please send all submissions to orion_mk2@yahoo.com. Be sure to include your GFF username, preferably in the subject line. Submissions can be sent at any time, and will be held until your next turn in the queue.

Length
Submissions are limited to prose (stories) for the time being. They should be no less than 500 and no more than 5000 words long.

This is just a guideline; submissions slightly over the limit may be allowed. Sections of longer works are also permitted.

Format
Submit work in .doc, .txt, .rtf, or .pdf format.

Submissions don't have to be written especially for the workshop; feel free to submit anything you've got lying around already.

Queue:
orion_mk3
Acro-nym
Ozma
Phone
The Wise Vivi
Ayos
Helloween
Dark Nation
Lycanthrope
Smelnick
Matt
RainMan

People in bold have submitted work for their week. If you have not submitted anything by the time your week begins, you will be moved to the bottom of the queue and the next participant who has submitted will go.

This Week's Submission
The Masque by RainMan
Prose, 1700 words

Jam it back in, in the dark.

A bit of a disclaimer; the 'Masque' isn't finished. I was having some difficulties with getting to the 'point' of the story but tried to set up a situation where the characters might behave 'realistically' up to this point.

I am planning on the finished version having about 4 to 5 chapters, and it is only up to 2 now. I have a few ideas for how to patch things up in regards to getting rid of loose ends but this particular writing was more for the exercise of it than the end result.

There is a lot of fleshing out to do but some general criticisms would be much appreciated for helping me refine what I have so far.


Thanks!

There's nowhere I can't reach.

(I was going to review week 7 but the file was taken down, so onto Week 8!)

Going into this, I was not quite sure of the setting, but after a bit I was a little disappointed as I almost felt like I was in another world with archeology, especially with the slightly fantasy-inspired names. The setup for the... dream, alternate reality, whatever it actually is wasn't too bad either.

There were a few places where I think you tried to make the sentence sound more mature with overly complicated words, but maybe that's just a personal annoyance of mine.

No real complaints, and the imagery you gave in Adrian's dream was definitely not devoid of color and enthrallment of the senses.

I think you did go on a bit too much about the Mask, as it seemed to take up the entire focus of the banter / dialogue between Adrian and Eugene. Also, at the beginning you (several times) mention the mask as being an exquisite work of art, something of beuty but then seem to betray this for a more sinister feeling of dread "Ghastly" as it was described later on before the dream-sequence.

Dialogue felt a bit weak in comparison to the descriptions, of which you had no problem with, so that's all I can really suggest for improvement. Yeah, I'm not the greatest critic, hehe. Overall though, I enjoyed this and want to read more of it next time.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Thank you Dark Nation. Both for reading the story and for providing some thoughts on how I might improve the piece.

Quote:

There were a few places where I think you tried to make the sentence sound more mature with overly complicated words, but maybe that's just a personal annoyance of mine.

Absolutely. I am not often subject to the conversation of middle aged archaelogists so I was trying to find grammar that would best fit their occupation, according to my sense of imagination! I wasn't trying to make the piece sound intellectual. I actually did a fair amount of editing to try to make the text more accessible but I agree that further whittling would probably prove beneficial.

Quote:

No real complaints, and the imagery you gave in Adrian's dream was definitely not devoid of color and enthrallment of the senses.

Thank you.

Quote:

I think you did go on a bit too much about the Mask, as it seemed to take up the entire focus of the banter / dialogue between Adrian and Eugene. Also, at the beginning you (several times) mention the mask as being an exquisite work of art, something of beuty but then seem to betray this for a more sinister feeling of dread "Ghastly" as it was described later on before the dream-sequence.

Right. I was trying to stay on task with the main subject, which is a bit difficult for me at times. I wasn't trying to give the illusion that THIS conversation was the only conversation that took place during the course of the night, but that it was the most immediate topic relatable to the story and therefore worthy of inclusion.
How much do you think might be enough in decription of the mask, that it doesn't start rambling?

In regards to the contrasting qualities of mask involving beauty and the grotesque... I tried to refer to the mask in different (and sometimes polarized) qualities for a plot idea that I am developing later.

Quote:

Dialogue felt a bit weak in comparison to the descriptions, of which you had no problem with, so that's all I can really suggest for improvement. Yeah, I'm not the greatest critic, hehe. Overall though, I enjoyed this and want to read more of it next time.

Yes. The dialogue is rather short! I've recently come to the realization that when I am reading, I enjoy reading the thoughts of the characters more than what they say and this might be an indirect reflection of that.
I will definitely try to improve that as I develop the means for more natural conversation style. (without getting long-winded of course)

Thank you for your feedback. This is enormously helpful.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Dark Nation

(I was going to review week 7 but the file was taken down, so onto Week 8!)

Maybe I should have left it up a bit longer Here it is if you're still interested; I'm sure Matt would appriciate it.

I think I'll just leave the files attached from now on, just in case.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I'm basically posting this so i can say that i've been reading the submissions, but lately i've been a little listless with my appreciation and cirticism of them.

I really liked the description you used in this peice. I found it to be effective, and well executed. Unfortunately i was kind of distracted while reading it, so i can really only say this about the first third of the peice. From what i retained in that dusty old brain of mine i really liked the story.

I think another one of the reasons i didn't really have alot to say on it was that it's not finished, and so a final opinion can't really be gleaned at this point, at least that's how i feel.

Hope that helps.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Well, I don't really know what to comment, since the story itself isn't yet finished. Just a few I think.

I don't really know about others, but I feel that this story lacks conflict. I feel bland reading it, since like what Dark Nation has already mentioned, you talk about the mask so often that I'm confused whether the mask is the main issue or about Adrian and her strange situation. I even thought that I was reading about a documentary story rather than a fictious one. The plot is weak, I must admit, and it looks like that if no mends is made, this story could go off the tracks.

About the characters, I don't really feel anything between them, as if they were only two strangers bumping on the streets and spoke a bit as formality, and then left. Not enough impressions are put into the conversation, resulting in no expectations that Adrian and Eugene are best friends. Looks like they were only discussing about the mask.

I can't comment about the connectivity, since the story hasn't finished. So, try the best to mend your story and I'm waiting for the rest.

P.S.: I almost assumed this is a gay story since I thought that Adrian's a guy. Sorry^^

FELIPE NO

I'll post my thoughts, and the new week's thread, in a little bit. Been in only sporadic Internet contact lately, what with the holidays and all.

Additional Spam:
Okay, just a little bit of a delay there

There was some good description, and I felt that the piece gave a good sense of the characters within a short space of time. Rather than telling readers about them in big expository chunks, the author let their actions and words do the work of development.

When I say "character development" I'm talking more about the main character and her feelings. I think that some more is needed to connect her to Eugene, and certainly the dialogue needs to be loosened up a bit--as noted above, it came out a bit stilted and formal for best friends.

As for the mask itself, I'm curious to see where the story will take it. The descriptions of it making Adrian uneasy could use a little tweaking, as it seemed less like she was apprehensive of it than the plot demanded that she be. I'd also suggest doing a little reading about how museums and their staff work, to glean a few details that would help build the setting and character--the museum studies program at my university, for example, probably wouldn't accept a doorstop donation, but they might take in a package with no return address.

I was intrigued by the last bit with Adrian's vision, and I'd be keen to see how the story develops. It could use some tweaking here and there, but I was impressed overall.

How ya doing, buddy?

Thanks very much for the comments guys. I'll continue to refine and see if I can't actually make a story out of this fluff.

Much appreciated!

How ya doing, buddy?