Would you date someone with kids?

I met this really nice girl and was considering on dating her, but come to find out that she already has a kid which makes me a bit apprehensive. I don't know if it's where I live, but it seems there are a lot of younger, single mothers here, and I'm talking about early to mid-20s. I'm still young and having children is not something I have planned in the near future, as I am still going to school and planning for the future.

Have any of you been in a similar situation? Or maybe your parent(s) were the ones dating new people that you didn't know? How did you handle it? Anything you can tell me to watch out for? I figure I'll go ahead and ask her out a couple times anyway, nothing ventured nothing gained, right? The one thing I think I should do is try not to be so judgemental about them being a single parent and possibly avoiding discussion of that situation, like it wouldn't be proper to talk about the kids' dad or why they split and such.

Who knows, her kids may even be really adorable, but it does make the dating a little more complicated, what with them not being your kids, if you'll like the kids, if the kids will like you, the person you're dating divying up their time between you and the kids, etc, etc. I guess it'll be a good learning experience though. Anyhoo, what are your thoughts or feelings on this topic? And as for the topic title, I guess you could go so far as to put dating or marrying.

How ya doing, buddy?

I don't think I could ever date someone with a child (or children) at my age. It requires a certain tolerance in dating which I am not prepared to give up.

I suppose it would also depend on the age at which the person I was considering was when they became a parent.

I'm not in the game for anything which involves serious, multi-person attachment. Myself, I want to start my own family and not have to deal with exes, visitations, and the things that come with children at this point in my life. Maybe in the future, sure - but I'm 25, and I want to be with someone who is on par with me.

Not to say you shouldn't date someone with kids. It's purely up to the individual. Just be aware of what comes in the package deal. (And it IS a package deal)

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I realize that sometimes a love interest (with a child in the framework) seems like an unnecessary burden. However, people are people and sometimes good things can be found in these circumstances. It all depends on what we are looking for.

A child does make casual relationships seem a bit more complex.
The first thing to keep in mind is of course that a gal who has a child wants to tie the knot very quickly to give her kid a normal familial upbringing.

I've had some strange examples of this in the past which I would rather not bring up but it seems that these chicks always *gun for me and it always gets awkward and I always have to say 'no thanks' before things get too weird. *(Probably because I am a sucker.)

(Additionally, be weary! It seems that unwed women are far craftier than regular women on the dating scene)

Whatever can be said about the excess baggage of a child to lug along, it really matters how much you are willing to overlook/come to grips with this in lieu of the love interest. If she lights a spark everytime you are with her. If your heart smiles with joy and everything is right with the world when you are together I would consider that a very rare thing and something not to be taken lightly.

Sometimes unwed parents get the shaft and they can be very sweet people...or psychopathic axe wielding beef butchers, but that's besides the sharpened point. If a person is right for you, only you can know. And the disadvantages of having a child to deal with probably isn't as bad as it seems.

Its good to find happiness and good companionship whenever we come across it, childless or otherwise.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Nah, I'm not big on kids. Plus I'm only 20, I don't want to be a parent now, no matter how great they are.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

You always run the risk with single mothers with psycho ex-husband/boyfriend haunting her life and making trouble for you. Although I say this half-jokingly, I'm absolutely sure given the situation, it can be a huge security risk for both of you.

I was speaking idiomatically.

If I weren't married and looking to date then my answer would be yes if it was the right person. My only advice would be to avoid making any kind of judgements about this person and like others have said it is a package deal. If think you are ready for that then go for it otherwise don't waste either of your time.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

I have a half brother from my dad's first marriage and after seeing what my mom went through, I would be very apprehensive to date someone with children. Honestly from what I've observed, unless all parties involved are incredibly mature (which is truly difficult to demand this type of situation), it's going to be a shit storm with no umbrella.

I just think overall, there are way too many expectations to be placed on you, the brand-new individual coming into a inevitably complicated situation. Whether the children are craving attention from the single parent, or are resentful for you coming in, or are looking for a new daddy/mommy, or are confused over the situation, or whatever, dating and making a relationship work at its base is hard enough and from the get go, you are attacked with all these obligations, comparisons and even responsibilities that even casual dating can get messy.

I wouldn't entirely rule it out since every situation is different but after living it firsthand, it's just a big party of awkwardness and resentful individuals. I never speak to my half brother and I really wish we could be at least friends but our situation growing up (meddling in-laws, propaganda from both sides, neglect in certain forms, general bitchiness from all sides, including my own mother) has really butchered our relationship beyond repair.

How ya doing, buddy?

I actually have dated a girl with two kids. I wouldn't recommend it, even though I was never really introduced as The New Father or anything, it's just unbelievably difficult in every way. As kat says, if you do get introduced it's gonna be awkward as hell, cause fighting and so on, and will continue to be for a very long time. This isn't The Holiday. For that reason (and others) we never really pushed forward with our relationship, and it just fizzled out.

Well, my case is definitely different than yours, but no matter what, I don't recommend it. As far as a learning experience, the only thing I learned is that I am more of an jealous petty asshole than I thought I was. So I wouldn't even recommend it for that.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

I personally don't know what I would do. I'm 20, so some people do have children at that age, but I, personally, don't feel ready for it yet. Then again, it might be different if somebody has children.

My humble advice would be, like others have said: Think about it well, it is a "package deal". If you don't get along with the kids, it won't work, because the children will always come first for her (ideally). I'm not saying you need to be best friends with the children right away, and who says that she wants you in their life so quickly, but if you're serious about her, you have to be able to live with the fact that you may have to take responsibility one day. You don't have to be a father, but if things get serious between you and this girl, you will have to interact with them, and be prepared to make sacrifices. If that thought absolutely repulses you, I'd say don't go there. If you think "maybe", I'd wait and see how things develop between you and her.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

I married a woman with a son. Its a package deal. You have to be sure you want to be in it for the kid first.

That parents life revolves around that child. At least in most cases it does, I have seen selfish parents who kick their kids to the curb when a new love interest pops in.

If you go there, be all you can for the child & you will be loved by the parent 10X the ammonunt you invest.

Its not easy. The X person the past crud that pops up between them. I almost came to blows with the guy my woman was married to.
Then the responsibility, the notion that my little Anakin Skywalker could go Vader one day is a sobering thought.
You wont be the "real" dad but if you invest all you have you will become equally important.

How ya doing, buddy?

Originally Posted by LordsSword

At least in most cases it does, I have seen selfish parents who kick their kids to the curb when a new love interest pops in.

You seriously need to see a shrink, man.

Quote:

Then the responsibility, the notion that my little Anakin Skywalker could go Vader one day is a sobering thought.

What the hell are you talking about? No, SERIOUSLY. What the HELL are you talking about.

This thing is sticky, and I don't like it. I don't appreciate it.

Quote:

Then the responsibility, the notion that my little Anakin Skywalker could go Vader one day is a sobering thought.

WOW. I... I'm... You... You're serious, aren't you?

Quote:

You have to be sure you want to be in it for the kid first.

That's stupid. You definitely shouldn't kick the kid to the curb, but any relationship in which the child is the main focus, isn't much of a relationship to begin with. The most important relationship is that of the man and woman.

You don't start dating a guy or a woman because you like their kid.

I am a dolphin, do you want me on your body?

Originally Posted by Sassafrass

You seriously need to see a shrink, man.

What the hell are you talking about? No, SERIOUSLY. What the HELL are you talking about.

Originally Posted by RainMan

WOW. I... I'm... You... You're serious, aren't you?

That's stupid. You definitely shouldn't kick the kid to the curb, but any relationship in which the child is the main focus, isn't much of a relationship to begin with. The most important relationship is that of the man and woman.

You don't start dating a guy or a woman because you like their kid.

I am serious. See my avater?
When you date a person who is a parent, the kids are not just some object.
The little person is connected like an arm or leg to that mom or dad and means more to the parent than their own life.

We make a difference on how a young person grows into maturity. What you say what you do, how you relate to kids can affect them for their entire lives.

For five years I have been training my step-son on many things.

At one time I was like him, the kid with the single mom who brought strange men into our life. I remember & make the efforts to save him from the pains I went through. My wife is grateful that I make the effort that his father did not. I get my hands dirty, playing, educating, nurturing & standing up for my son to show him what a man is supposed to be when he grows up.
I use the "Jedi" idea to get the point across to him & you. He gets it and is a strong kid that makes me proud. I have a 2 year old now who is protected and loved by his older brother now. My investment has paid off.

I was speaking idiomatically.

Good god, LordsSword, your posts could scare off all single/divorced mothers from ever dating again.

0_0

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Originally Posted by Midna

Good god, LordsSword, your posts could scare off all single/divorced mothers from ever dating again.

0_0

So where is your insight on this question?
Look, many here have yet to understand this kind of realtionship.
Its a frightening deal full of unknowns and theories. I was afraid of the relationship but fear doesnt stop me from being the best I can.
Its easy to just sit and judge but where is your experience, what makes you think I am in the wrong?

FELIPE NO

Originally Posted by LordsSword

So where is your insight on this question?
Look, many here have yet to understand this kind of realtionship.
Its a frightening deal full of unknowns and theories. I was afraid of the relationship but fear doesnt stop me from being the best I can.
Its easy to just sit and judge but where is your experience, what makes you think I am in the wrong?

My insight comes from being a divorced parent. Where I think you sound like a creepy bastard is when you're talking about almost getting into fights with your wife's ex and that you're equally as important as the child's father.

I do understand this kind of relationship very well, and I do give you credit for realizing that the kid is important, whether or not you went a little far saying the relationship should be about the kid being number 1. Yes, of course the child should be considered, but to make him/her the main focus of your relationship just seems odd.

Why I said you could put single/divorced mothers off dating is the arrogance you put out. You sound like the type who believes he did this woman a great favor in taking on her and her child, and both of them should be grateful. I know men like you, who regard themselves as something to emulate, and I'm telling you it has never ended well. Well, that is unless you shut up and let the bastard gloat about how wonderful he is and don't try to be contrary.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Originally Posted by Midna

My insight comes from being a divorced parent. Where I think you sound like a creepy bastard is when you're talking about almost getting into fights with your wife's ex and that you're equally as important as the child's father.

The guy was a jerk. We are past it now and are civil to each other.

Originally Posted by Midna

I do understand this kind of relationship very well, and I do give you credit for realizing that the kid is important, whether or not you went a little far saying the relationship should be about the kid being number 1. Yes, of course the child should be considered, but to make him/her the main focus of your relationship just seems odd.

My approach is simply to make time for the kid like I make time for the mom. I think a family should focus on kids. I took both of them on a trip for an engagement ring to show my support for both of them. They loved it.

There is no rule book for this sort of thing. I did my best & that was enough for them to keep me.

Originally Posted by Midna

You sound like the type who believes he did this woman a great favor in taking on her and her child, and both of them should be grateful.

I didnt say that. I'm telling you the truth, she thanks me often for the effort I put in for them. Not cause I let her know shes lucky but because I put in 110% to prove my love and dedication.

Where I came from my father & his father before him were not so good to the women in their lives. When I ran into my future wife & her son, I remembered the promise I made to myself when I was little.
The way I see it I am living up to what I told myself so many years ago.

Jam it back in, in the dark.