Don't know what to do anymore

So last year I was in this program where I met and lived on the same hall with a very cute girl from Tokyo for about three weeks. She had a boyfriend back in Japan, but there seemed to be some sparks in between the two of us anyway.

Fast forward to this year, about two months ago. She sends me an email three weeks before I come to Tokyo, asking if I can pick up some Red Sox shirts for her family before I leave the US and then explicitly mentions that she broke up with her boyfriend.

First time we hang out over here, she tells me the reason she broke up with the boyfriend is because she loved someone else, a married guy who kept telling her he would divorce his wife. She knew it wasn't going to work out but she was still interested in him.

Despite that though, things seemed to start going pretty well between us. We've hung out a few more times, she's called/emailed my phone on a daily basis, telling me on several occasions she "just wanted to talk to me". I spent a day with her and her family, and she wanted to introduce me to her friend. She even said that the next day she had off, we should spend the whole day together.

And then I get an email last night, telling me that while she was free this weekend, her heart felt "messy" (her word, not mine) and that she had some thinking to do. I figured maybe she felt it was going to fast or that she was hesitant to get involved because I'm only here for a semester. So I said, that's fine, I understand, take some time.

So I'm pretty excited when I get an email from her today...until I open it. She's asking me for advice about how she can stop loving this married guy.

So yeah, somewhat of a shock. Now I don't know what to do. It probably won't do me any good to tell her that I like her now, and I fear that by trying to be the good friend now, I'll be shooting myself in the foot.

What should I do?

Jam it back in, in the dark.

You're the friend.

You will probably always stay that way in her mind.

I'm really sorry.

There's nowhere I can't reach.

I was just about to say the same thing, Sass...but wanted to delay in the case that I might've been mistaken. I wish it didn't have to be 'one or the other', only. It doesn't seem fair that a friend cannot also be a romantic consideration...

How ya doing, buddy?

Yeah, I figured. Guess I just needed to hear someone say it, although I still hate it. Thanks guys.

I decided to do the friend thing, and sent her a mail. Told her that I think any guy who would be willing to leave his wife so easily would probably do the same thing to her, but that I want to be happy, and to think carefully about what she wants.

I didn't see anything overtly inappropriate in my response, as a friend. Just in case though, I sent her something afterwards apologizing if I had said too much.

I hope I didn't overreact in my response. blah.

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Originally Posted by Sassafrass

You're the friend.

You will probably always stay that way in her mind.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, what she said. You don't get back from that, unfortunately. You're her brother now.

I was speaking idiomatically.

I think you did the right thing in telling her that the married man would probably do the same thing to her. If she really wants to stop loving this asshole, tell her that she needs to stay away from him. No interactions whatsoever.

As for you... stay friends with her. Sounds like she needs a friend more than anything right now.

What kind of toxic man-thing is happening now?

Depends how much you actually care for her. Sounds like she is a stupid girl, following lustful desires and all....blahblah.

No use in ruining a perfectly good friendship though, since I can't imagine you know too many people in Tokyo. Just don't let her get you too wrapped up in her bullshit. Be a friend, but don't get drug into that shit.

FELIPE NO

My answer is to tell her: You fall in love with someone else but much more than with the person you're trying to "forget".
Everyone wants an immediate remedy but it doesn't exist unless you bang your head on the wall till you get amnesia.
It'll take a long time but if you block interaction with that person it'll work. You're not going to forget about them 100%. You'll probably remember that person till the day you die but I'm pretty sure you will love them less.. unless you're a friendless emo who has a shrine of your lover.

What, you don't want my bikini-clad body?

Well, at this point you might as well tell her how you feel. It seems like she really likes this other guy, so you have nothing to lose right now. If she's gonna get away, then at least go down swinging.

If not, then you absolutely will find someone else. I've been there, and I know sometimes it seems a girl is just so perfect, but there is always someone else out there you'll find.

As for the staying friends with her part... tough to say. While it is a classy and maybe noble thing to do, sometimes it just doesn't work out. It makes it really hard to move on, because the more time you spend with them, the harder it is to get over them. So if you can get over that, then still hang around with her and stuff. If it is going to be hard for you, then it won't make you a bad person to distance yourself.

Jam it back in, in the dark.

So I feel like I should post an update.

Basically, she emailed me back telling me I was probably right. And then...absolutely nothing for two weeks.

I thought maybe I had pissed her off and she didn't want to say anything about it. When I tried emailing her again, I'd get responses from her saying she "was busy".

Last Friday, I decided I needed some closure, so I went over to her work to talk with her. She wasn't there, but was nearby and caught a train over with her friend as they were nearby.

Basically, she's decided to drop the guy and she actually was very busy for those two weeks.

Alas, not all went as well as I had hoped though. At one point when her friend had left I told her I liked her. But I guess I'm still the friend. Which I guess, I'll settle for for the moment. Of course, there are other girls in Japan, but it's disappointing this didn't work out. :/

There's nowhere I can't reach.