Sexual past.
 

my current girlfriend and i lost our verginity to eachother, and i thought that she hadnt done any.. other activites.

Im the type of person that thinks that sex is something special to be shared between people in love. and im bothered by the fact that she was pressured into doing things (oral mainly) with someone that she was dateing. that she was dateng because they reminded her of me...

I know it shouldnt bother me that my gf has done things before, but it does alittle. I guess the point of this post is to see what other people think about this kind of stuff.

Well, I think anyone will agree that you shouldn't be pressured into anything. Especially when it comes to sex. But when it comes to my girlfriend and her past, I really don't care what she's done. I've never been bothered by that sort of thing, and what he had done was pretty tame in my opinion. I don't get why people let shit like that get to them, it's not like they did any of it while they knew you, or worse, dating you. I figure, you can't control what's been done, so just forget about it and enjoy what you have now.

As long as the person doesn't have any type of disease, or mental backlash, from their sexual pasts, I really don't care. They have their past, I have mine. No need to pry, or even get worried over things like that, really.

I agree. the only two resions i feel like this is:
1. she didnt really want to do it. she is just too insecure (or something) to say no. she is easy as hell to manipulate, because she is deathly afraid of making people unhappy.

2. she didnt really love him like she first thought she did, she was reminded of me by him, and we were to shy to say anything about our feelings to each other. and he asked her first.

If you're in a serious relationship, there's reason to pry.


low self-esteem. It's a lot of work to build it back up, and even then it might still be low. Good luck with that.

yeah, if she wanted to keep it to her self i would be fine with it, but she doesnt want to keep things from me. and i think that in a serious long-term relationship its best not to keep things from eachother. we both agree that we are closer because of it.lol. ive been working on it for 2 years. she used to think she was dumb, ugly, hated and worthless.(thanks to her wonderful family, mostly. and alittle because of said ex.) its getting better, slowly.

I suppose it could be a case-by-case thing, but I probably wouldn't randomly ask my partner about their sex lives unless, as I said, they have a disease or are mentally scarred by it.

It's all about trust.

yes and no. i didnt randomly ask, she sorta brough it up. i think it takes alot of trust, and love, to tell someone about your past. i know that it has made us closer.

You don't have to randomly ask "lol so i herd u gave head," it should eventually come up in conversation. It's not one of those "on a need-to-know basis" kinda things, it's something your partner should know. I can't think of any reason why anyone would want to hide it from the person they're in love with and plan to spend a considerable amount of their time with.

As for that last part, you say it like you can't possibly be curious about such things without being underhandedly motivated. You're not being untrusting, you're simply taking an interest. There's a big difference.

gah

and she *must* remain friends with him. wtf >_<

Are you bothered by the fact that she fooled around with people in the past, or that she had boyfriends and people she was very emotionally connected with?

Wait, wha? A guy strongarmed your girlfriend into giving him head sometime ago because he reminded her of you? That cannot be a fact.

actaully, it is. she was only dateing im because he reminded her of me.

not exactly. im bothered by the fact that what she did, she didnt really want to. and that has such a need to be friends with him. and other things i guess. im on the phone >_<

the name in the quotes should really match the user's display name...

I can decipher your meaning, I'm just letting you know you worded that very poorly.

its 4:34am and im sleepy as hell. lol. im going to bed.

eh. she says she "just wanted him to like me" what the hell.

and she wants to keep being friends because "[they] were friends before [they] dated" and she thinks she can just erase a few months from both of their minds and go on being friends. she is very naive and idealistic.

i just realized how immature im makeing my fiancée sound...

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like someone that I was ... involved with some years ago. I wanted to be the knight in shining armor (not literally) that would save her from all of her pain and sorrow. Yeah, I was immature at these things and it all failed horribly.

I've matured to the point that past sexual history--aside from STDs or other circumstances that would have a direct impact on the current. relationship--is not something I really even think about, let alone am bothered by it.

Digging into someone's sexual past, and then feeling contempt for what they did before they even really knew you comes off as being haughty. and judgmental. And I do mean sexual in particular. This society (United States) has a way of classing people based on their sexual behaviors. You are either a slut or a prude. Abstinence is old fasioned, but promiscuity is dirty.

So I don't really care about sexual past. How can I expect someone to save themselves for a person they hadn't really met or really knew? It would upset me much more to learn that my significant other had been either emotionally or physically abused and my anger would not be directed at her.

Of your entire post, i will reply to this.
in a way, she was abused, and im sure as hell not mad at her for it.

The older you get, the more you're going to have to deal with your partners having been with other people.

It's a fact of life. And being "pressured" into something is no fucking excuse. If you allow yourself to be "pressured," you're the only person to be blamed. Have some goddamned willpower for fuck's sakes.

It sounds like that you and she both want to say that she was raped, but know that that term rings hollow. It may very well be that her previous boyfriend ratcheted things up before she was fully comfortable with it, but that's the story for most people. Do you think that perhaps she is telling you that she was pressured into it because that's what you want to hear?

You deserve a hug for this.

I take a different perspective, though. I think she says shit like that to tug at your emotions, to feel bad for her, to like her.

Sounds like a mind game to me. Women do that a lot. Girls are rookies and don't know how to play effectively until they get older and wiser.

I have to agree that it could very well be a mind-game. But I doubt it since it's very, very possible. Especially when she seems to be depressed and has some serious self-esteem issues. It could go either way though, she could either be telling the truth, or looking for pity in that "O WOE IS ME" sort of way.

And it shouldn't be very hard to figure out which it is. If it's the latter, forget about her. She'll always be "depressed", and you're just feeding into it.

Its not, she isnt looking for pitty, she is actaully depressed. or was.

Exactly what I was going to say, but you said it better.

janus, this type of thing is inborn in us. Women know how to manipulate you by telling you what you want to hear, and we're very good at it, no matter how little self-esteem we have or how depressed we are. It doesn't surprise me at all that you believe her. And also, that whole thing about her dating the guy because he reminded her of you? Come on. She's workin' it, and workin' it good.

(Ladies, we'll never convince him.)

Maybe, maybe not.
but i trust her. so far i dont really have a resion not to.
your right, you will never convince me because i love her and i trust her. maybe im being dumb, but i doubt it. we will see...