Friends with benefits
 

I'm in a borderline relationship with someone, somewhere between friends and an actual physical/emotional relationship. After pseudo-dating for less than a week, we've realized that we would have no time to actually 'date' or 'go out' once summer ends. (work, college, etc.) Becoming 'friends with benefits' was brought up and I felt conflicted about it. Someone's going to get hurt. Being in that sort of relationship with 'no strings attached' seems unrealistic.

Has anyone been a friend w/benefits? I'm curious to know if that sort of thing can actually work itself out.

Define friends with benefits?

Do you want to actually date the person? If the answer to this question is yes, then it is probably a bad idea to go the "friends with benefits" route.

I've fooled around with a friend or two, but because neither of us had any desire to be in a relationship {with each other}, it wasn't a big deal. Basically, if you or the other person wants more than friendship, it will probably end painfully for one or both involved.

It means having a sexual relationship with someone who is just a friend, not a significant other.

Haven't actually been one or know of one, but my opinion is that if you two don't mind using each other just to get some, and are really apathetic otherwise, then it shouldn't be too bad. If either if you is hesitant about the idea, then it might good to steer clear.

I've been in something similar, but we were more like cuddle buddies. I kept asking the guy what we were and he told me that he didn't know. We were stuck in the "more than friends, less than couples" realm until I went to college. Now, he claims that he wished he could have said that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but he has a jealous ex-boyfriend (he's bi now), so he doesn't have the courage to ask me.

In the end, it's best if you can figure out what you are as soon as possible. If you don't, then it will be decided for you and it may not be what you hoped for.

It was like that with my ex bf. I wanted to be more than just friends (with benefits) , he didn't. I got hurt, I still love him though. (I'd have to work on that, I know.)

This kind of thing is.....tricky. However, if you are feeling on any level uncomfortable with the thought of it, then don't do it. I've been in a benefits-type relationship before, where I wanted an actual relationship and she was content just having sex. I was actually fairly in denial about the whole thing until she started sleeping with this other chick (left for a girl, I know, sad huh?), when it came to light that she wasn't interested in a relationship at all. Not with me anyway.
Funny thing, I totally could have had a fair share of threesomes with both girls. It never really appealed to me at the time. Still doesn't. Guess that's my standards. But I digress.
If you want a straight-up relationship, then talk to her about it. You may not end up seeing each other too often, but you could likely work something out. And if not, well, no real harm done in the long run. I say it's better to take a risk and see what happens rather than let the possibility slide by.
Of course, I'm speaking as a guy who's had his heart broken twice. Take that into consideration however you will, for or against.

I guess I'm in the "there's no such thing as a platonic friendship" thing. And usually with the case of friends with benefits, someone is going to get hurt. I've never been in one so I can't say from experience.

One question you should ask yourself is do you like her enough to pursue something more? And ask her that too. To a lot of people, sex makes partners grow even more attached, so take that as a warning.

I say go for it. The best advisor is experience, after all.

I agree, and it's a no-strings-attached relationship (ie: a guy's dream)

Plus who knows, if all goes too well and you guys start realising you mean more to each other, anything can change, might be something good. Never say it can never happen. And that's a good thing =D .And good lord i said 'good' like a million times.

Go for it, seriously.

KISS HER YOU FOOL.

Then I must be an alien, since I'm a guy and don't want a no-strings-attached relationship.

If there are feelings there, don't become a friend with benefits. I've seen this crumble and crush one of my best friends. It was sort of how McCloud's situation went, but it was the girl who wanted things to get serious, and the guy just wanted to mess around. Go for a proper relationship if you have feelings more than just a friend would.

I have been a friend with benefits (but not anywhere close to the point of sex)...

And as a girl, I would say that to expect the girl to not become emotionally attached is impossible, so you'll be taking a gamble there. Girls almost always connect physical with emotional... we can't help it. And the sexual connection is a HUGE one.

I ended up liking the guy, but luckily I was able to talk myself out of it later. But really, she may claim there's "no strings attached" (as I did), but she may be fooling herself... I'd advise against taking the risk, but if you do end up doing it, break it off immediately if you sense she's becoming attached.

I agree with katiblue. I tried the friends with benefit routine once and it only ended poorly with feelings hurt and lot of misunderstandings.

So my advice would be to be wary and cautious. Its a dangerous situation. Thats just my two cents...

More power to you then, if anything, that implies a high sense of responsibility and maturity.

You must have felt that way once in your life-time though, it's something i see most guys look for, like i said, me being one of them (as long as i have no feelings for the person in question, other than thinking she's 'hot')

Again note that i also said you don't know which way that might go, who knows what might happen, so if he feels like trying it the experience far out-weighs the possible 'damage'.

Then clearly we could use more aliens around here. :)

I know I did. Biggest fantasy for the majority of my teen years. However, once I got into that actual situation, I'd already been in an emotionally committed relationship, and I would have traded the sex for the love in a heartbeat. Well played, irony. You have won yet another round.

[quote]Posted by a lurker
I say go for it. The best advisor is experience, after all.[quote]
While true, many people have done all the experiencing for you in this case, and most all of them say it's a bad idea. Friends with benefits don't stay "friends" for very long. One or the other party inevitibly gets emotional attachments whether they intend to or not, and then it just gets ugly.

So, no. Don't do it. Date her or don't bother at all. It'll end badly otherwise.

Thanks for the excellent advice, everyone. For the sake of clarity, I'm the female, the one who brought up being friends w/benefits was the guy.

During that week, (when we were going out) I've gotten attached to him and having the relationship demoted soon afterwards was, best said, confusing. I had to thread carefully, severing all ties seemed a tad overkill. Next week, I'm off from work/college. That's probably the best time for me to tell him I just want us to remain close friends. I'm just glad that there's no animosity between us: We still plan on hanging out, watching a flik, etc.

To think, in some alternate universe, he and I would be having wild, hot sex right about now. Ha!

It's not too late. ;)

Since you feel more than he does, maybe being a friends with benefits thing is not so special to him. You might end up getting hurt in the end, especially since it's just a weeklong fling.

Also since he brought it up, it seems like he doesn't want to get into a relationship but you do. Personally for me I wouldn't give it to the guy unless he feels the same way.

Hell, it was a fling. A weeklong fling. Having finally acknowledged that, I'm feeling pretty good. Scratch that, I feel fucking terrific! :biggrin: Here I was thinking what I had with him was something special, freakin' sacrosanct and feeling shitty because I lost it.

that would depend on both or you I guess, I had a friend with benefits and I actually had a crush on him, we later said to each other that it is better to be just friends and that is what we are now, best firends even, and I have a b/f now and he has a g/f. so it worked out.

Friends with benefits can work, but you have to be very straightforward with each other. If you don't feel good knowing that your partner may be dating a different person the next day and will drop you like a lead brick, then you shouldn't be involved like that. If you know you will get jealous seeing the person with another person, then stay away from that type of relationship. If you know what you are getting yourself in to, and can accept it, then go for it. Don't forget, just because their are no relationship strings attached, pregnancy is a whole different ballpark.

Friends with benefits is a tricky situation but eveybody goes through it at least once. Despite the amount of advice you get it really boils down to is it worth the sex? Most of the time it's not even worth the sex, but yah do it anyways.

I'm in a friends with benefits situation right now, and I can tell that this girl is falling for me. I don't forsee it ending well despite our best intentions going into it. You'd figure that two 24 year olds would be able to figure something like that out given like 8 years of dating experience, but it's still tricky business.