Benjamin issues (no, not the GFF one)
 

OK. So yeah. There's this guy, my best friend from High School. Wonderfully charismatic individual, fun to be around, blah blah blah. He was the first guy that I honestly fell in love with who actually loved me in return.


Problem with that is: he's straight, so he doesn't love me the way I love him. It's still there, but it's different. So, when I start the arduous process of extricating myself from the closet, he's one of the first people I tell. He's OK with it and all until I tell him about how I felt about him. He seems OK for a few days, but then he comes back and starts blaming me for all this shit that had been happening in his life.

This fucking hurts, but I deal with it somehow.

Last I heard, all that he does is drugs. I can't forgive him for saying the shit that he said to me and I can't forgive myself for my perception that I helped him along the road to where he is now. Yeah, go check my journal for ANGSTY SONG LYRICS that pretty much sum stuff up.

My question is this: These are emotions from 6 years ago. I haven't talked to him in 5. What the hell is wrong with me?

Reflection can always bring pain and sorrow.

It hurts alot, but sometimes you have to keep them with you to identify yourself.

It'll go away and come back. With this, you can build up on it and gain experience.

In this case Benjamin was looking for a way out to vent, it seems.

This thread made me sad, because I haven't been able to forgive my own stupidity either. And I never considered it until you brought it up. ;_; Perhaps it's common? O vanity

I don't understand why people are so disgusted or freaked out by someone being gay... It's not that big of a deal. They are still the same person, you just know something more about them. I have a cousin who is having trouble "coming out" because most of our family are homophobes. I feel so bad for him.

I'm sorry about your situation wvlfpvp. =( But stuff like this tends to hurt on and off forever.

In some cases people aren't freaked out by the sexuality, but they're pretty disturbed to be the object of attraction. If you found someone to be completely unattractive, and they were humping up your leg every chance they got, you might want to keep your distance also. Not saying wvlf did this, but we're talking high school adolescence and coming out. It makes for interesting behavior.

Yeah, I'd say he was bothered to be the object of attraction. Thing is, I wasn't humping his leg. Hell, he was usually the one to initiate any sort of physical contact (well, extent of hugs, but yeah.) So yeah. Some days I just wish my heart would rot and I could be emotionless.


Whee robotics.

First of all, it sounds as though he was looking for someone to blame for his downfall and you were his target. Unless you went around screaming "I LOVE HIM SO RUIN HIS LIFE!" I find it hard to see how you did. It sounds as though none of it was your fault. People take a huge gamble when they reveal intimate details. It sounds like he's where he's at today not because of your little revelation (unless you're Ellen DeGeneris) but because he made the choices and needed someone to place the blame on. I don't know all the details, but from what I've read, it sounds like you're more of the victim.

I can understand about how long-lasting guilt can resurface and continue to tear at you. Sometimes, it means that the issue wasn't settled and it keeps creeping up to remind you that it's still there waiting for you to close it. It takes me a very long time to forgive others as well, but I guess the first step in forgiving yourself (in hopes to lessen the pain) is to realize that he put himself there (unless there's something I don't understand about how you could've put him there). Sometimes, time does heal wounds, but it's mostly a long-term process and for some people it never fully heals.

I know this is probably out of the question, but have you tried talking to him recently? I'm not saying that you should go confront some druggie or anything, but maybe talking to him in some way could help you deal with this better. You don't even have to physically talk to him, just voicing what you would say to him if you could can help sometimes. It's okay to still feel like this even after all these years, but don't let these feelings get to the point of consuming your emotions.

Curiously, did you love him completely, or was it a good friend that you happened to be crushing on? That makes a total difference.

This was a complete thing. If it was just a crush, I'd probably be over this emotionally by now. And Rockgamer, I haven't seen him online/in person in forever, so it'd be difficult to actually talk to him.

It's the lack of closure that's bothering you. I'm guessing you never got a chance to properly respond to his accusations, and thus never got to confront any of those feelings of betrayal. I'd almost suggest looking up his number and calling him for the sole purpose of telling him off, but that's more than a little spiteful.

Maybe you just need to work on convincing yourself that your youthful perceptions were flawed, and that he was a lot more of an asshole than you took him for? Someone who has misplaced notions of accountability and buries his problems in drugs obviously isn't somebody you ever want to be attached to. The thing about infatuation is that it tends to blind you to the more negative aspects of a person. He was probably kind of a jerk all along, but you were too smitten to notice.

In reply to your question, I don't think anything is wrong with you. At that time ago in the past, you probably were much more of an innocent person. Not prepared to take responsibility for certain things, blah, blah, blah. You were merely "untrained." Today, you reflect and what do you notice or feel? What is it from back then that has caught up with you to the present at such a blindingly fast speed? If you ask me, your problem is rather insignificant. What can you do about what happened back then, today? Nothing, what's done is done. You can apologize if you like, you can try and do something in a form of atonement. But nothing will change enough to make you feel better. You'd only be chiseling the surface of a barrier.

However, most problems developed by certain people are caused by themselves. If this used-to-be-charismatic-guy is now a druggie, that's really his own fault. You're desire to love him or ask for him to love you, so you could be loved, isn't a relevant factor in his deterioration. Think about it, he could of chosen to NOT do drugs. It's his own personality that cause a downfall. Before hand, I bet he didn't have any experience with using drugs, legal or illegal. So there's no excuse for "temptation" or "oh, I just gotta have more." That's all his fault that he's in this state. But 5-6 years, that's quite a bit of time. Maybe he's all better now. Who knows. But so much time can change even more, like your interests in types of people.

Perhaps the way he grew up may also have had a major role in his addiction to drugs. He may of spent a large portion of his life growing up dependent. Whatever he did or needed, he'd need help. If someone told him drugs can help, he would most likely consider that alternative. If someone told him a drive around a stadium would help take his mind off things, I bet sooner or later he'd do it.