Exploding Garrmondo Weiner Interactive Swiss Army Penis - [Movie] Andy Rooney: The World's Greatest Living Commentator

You all know who Andy Rooney is, right? He's the guy who's hosted the final segment on the weekly news program 60 Minutes for five hundred of the one thousand years it's been on air. He uses his three minute slot to talk about whatever he feels like: current events, politics, coffee, falling asleep on a bus and missing his stop by six blocks, not recognizing anyone in Billboard magazine, whether you should say "World Series is over" or "World Series are over," etc.

It's basically a weekly window into the life of a rambling old man, and it is fantastic.

"Tonight, Andy Rooney throws rocks at Bill Gates's Windows."

"I had one typewriter for fifty years, but I've bought seven computers in six years."
"You simply press a button that says 'off' when you want to turn it off? You do not. The first thing he has us do to stop is to press 'Start.'"
"Computers aren't nice to us. My typewriter never threatened me with a prison sentence by saying I have performed an illegal operation."

"I consider myself to be an absolutely dead-centered, normal, average American."

"If I'm so average American, how come I've never heard of most of the musical groups that millions of other Americans apparently are listening to?"
"I know age is the obvious divider, but age doesn't separate Americans in other areas. We all like comfort, beauty, ice cream, a sunny day, and a win for our favorite team."

"When I write the name of a month in a script, I'm always surprised how some months are spelled."

"Today is March 1, of course. Most of us like March, but I think either May or June would win any vote we took to win our favorite month."
"Some people would probably pick September, but I don't like endings, and I think of September as an ending."
"Los Angeles has in-between weather all year long, if that appeals to you. Movies made in the big studios are a lot like the weather in Hollywood: the same."
"The thing you have to remember is most people don't wear clothes to keep warm. For instance, warm is not the issue when women get dressed. I wear the same suit all year."

Here are a few from RR:

"I don't think the average carpenter goes out in the morning with any more tools than I have right here on my desk."

"Elastic bands are one of the greatest tools of modern times, right there with the hammer and screwdriver."
"I don't know how we started calling this 'Scotch Tape,' no Irish tape I know of."
"A staple remover, one of the great inventions of modern times. Better than staples, I think."

"I keep reading about the problems people have falling asleep and staying asleep nights."

"I can sleep night or day, sitting, standing, or lying down. I often fall asleep right here at this desk."
"But I think I can get along with seven hours. I can take eight, but anyone who sleeps nine hours a night is sleeping his life away."
"What we need is some kind of a gauge, like a thermometer, that would tell us when we need more sleep and when we've had enough."

This one isn't embeddable, but it's one long story about how old he is and how stuttering is hilarious: YouTube - Andy Rooney: The King and I.
"How many people today can say they met King George VI?"
"I like movies that remind me of something I know about."

Post your favorite Andy Rooney moments in this thread!