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The Twenty Minute Movie: The Way They Really End.
Time to get way too anal and realistic about movies that have an otherwise unreal or fantastic premise!
DIE HARD Terrorists have closed John McClain off in the elevator shaft. In a desperate move, John "Cowboy" McClain undoes the strap on his machine gun and uses it to descend into a seemingly bottomless air duct. All of the sudden, the strap breaks free of the gun! Oh, fuuuuuck. At the speed he is falling, any hope of catching an open duct with his fingers are dashed faster than you can say Die Hard 2: Die Harder. So long, Roy! KING KONG (REMAKE) Naomi Watt's body breaks at the neck and spine as DK shakes her about like a stubborn ketchup bottle. Adrien Brody is trampled by dinosaurs. HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS HONEY I KILLED THE KIDS WITH A RELATIVELY GARGANTUAN BROOM! |
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LORD OF THE RINGS
"One does not simply walk into Mordor." Frodo goes the fuck home and has a beer. THE LOVE GURU "Hey guys. This is Mike Myers. I want to make another movie." *click* THE DARK KNIGHT In the opening scene, the joker pauses to take a hit off some prescription drugs in order to relax his nerves before a big bank heist. Credits. |
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Jim Carrey undergoes mind erasure, and the ensuing brain damage causes him to go back in time to make Liar Liar and forward in time to make 23. The end. |
TITANIC
That bitch's heart never actually goes on. The end. |
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
Over come with grief at the sight of his murdered koala, Ford hangs himself around the neck from an adjacent fan blade.
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The Nutty Professor
They all fart, someone turns the oven on, and the blow up. The end. |
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Wall-E (Andrew Stanton, 2008) Faced with the reality of what Man has become thanks to Wall-E's enterprising spirit and winsome disposition, the sprightly little robot that won the hearts of millions is hastily compacted with the trash, leaving Mankind to spend its final years adrift in space before finally succumbing to its own excess. |
The Matrix
Neo takes the blue pill. The End. |
The Lion King
Hakuna Matata. Scar killed Mufasa. |
The Poseidon Adventure
The helmsman successfully turns the ship into the waves and it doesn't capsize. After the storm dies down they continue on and finish their cruise. Director's cut A wave hits the ship broadside, dashing it onto a rogue iceberg, ripping it in two and sinking it instantly. There are no survivors. |
Transformers
Bumblebee forgets to let Sam out before transforming to robot mode to fight Barricade. |
Marty Mcfly gets a full on Oedipus and fucks himself into oblivion.
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The Island
Lincoln 5 Echo wonders why everything in his futuristic remote colony of very few human survivors is sponsored by corporations such as Aquafina, Xbox, Puma, and Speedo, and figures out the truth without having expository dialogue shoveled down our throats. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Kirk knocks on the screen door, sees that nobody answers, and goes back to his friends. The Host Gang-du grabs Hyun-Seo's hand, and nothing eventful continues to happen in their lives. |
The Muppet Movie
Frogs don't talk. |
The Boondock Saints
Whilst attempting to ambush a group of mobsters, the McManus brothers fall through the ceiling of the hotel room, entangled in the rope that Connor insisted they bring along. The brothers are gunned down and Rocco is killed before he can even use the six bullets in his gun. Willem Dafoe dies of AIDS. |
The Mummy Series
It turns out that there is no such thing as magic, and reading a page from "The Book of the Dead" in the middle of the night is spooky in a 13-year-old-girls-slumber-party sort of way. Independence Day Aliens know basic computer security. The world is fucked. |
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
Charlie is forcibly ejected from the factory for pestering Mr. Wonka and spirals into a self-destructive depression that forces him to ultimately take his own life three years later. Grampa Joe is indicted on one count of industrial tampering and one count of conspiracy to defraud. He dies three weeks before his parole hearing. Ocean's Eleven Upon hearing that his casino is currently being robbed, Terry Benedict, a sensible casino owner, orders that all exits are to be sealed and manned by security guards. Danny Ocean and company have no alternative exit strategy and are buried in the desert two days later. The Royal Tenenbaums Royal Tenenbaum takes up tai chi and becomes a much calmer person. Everyone reflects upon his spiritual awakening and finds it within themselves to go on to much fame, fortune and happiness. The dog survives for eight more wonderful years. |
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Taken
Liam Neeson DOESN'T have a specific set of skills & there's no way in hell they're seeing their daughter again. OR: Liam Neeson HAS the specific set of skills, and is smart enough to indulge his paranoia, follow his daughter to Europe, and stop her from being kidnapped in the first place. |
The Dark Knight
Christopher Nolan is thrown off a bridge by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, hit by a passing commuter train bound for a ferry ride. Wanted Mark Millar is thrown off a bridge by Denny O'Neil, hit by a passing commuter train bound for a deep ravine. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army Guillermo del Toro is thrown off a bridge by Tim Burton, hit by a passing commuter train bound to kill Sammael during the original movie. |
A Nightmare on Elm Street
After taking the law into their own hands and torching Freddy Krueger in their brand of vigilante justice, the Elm Street parents are arrested for arson and murder in the first degree. Their children go on to live normal lives and there's no reason to make six inferior sequels. |
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...Parp?
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