Exploding Garrmondo Weiner Interactive Swiss Army Penis - [PC] EA - Now with more celeb whoring! (Red Alert 3)

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Welcome back comrades, it's been far too long.

EA is traveling seven years back in time to bring back the most-beloved series in the storied Command & Conquer™ franchise. The light-hearted, over-the-top, wacky world of Red Alert™ has returned with Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3, shipping this holiday for the PC and Xbox 360™.

After years of conflict, the Allies are finally on the brink of victory. Cowering behind the walls of the Kremlin, the Soviets decide to turn to one last act of desperation - the use of an experimental time travel device. The mission: to go back in time to eliminate Albert Einstein before he creates the technologies that will lead the Allies to ultimate victory. After a successful mission, the Soviets return to the present, discovering the Allied position has weakened. But before they can truly celebrate, they find out their actions have spawned a new threat and global superpower, the mysterious, technologically advanced, Empire of the Rising Sun. Welcome to World War III.

LIST O'FEATURES

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* The Return of Red Alert! - After seven years, the most popular series in EA's 25-million unit-plus selling Command & Conquer franchise has returned with a vengeance. Red Alert 3 brings back everything fans loved about the series, the humor, the popcorn style story and the franchise?s fast, action-oriented gameplay, while breaking new ground for the genre, with an entirely co-operative, story-driven campaign campaign mode and an increased emphasis on naval gameplay.

* Co-Op Done Right - Every mission is designed from the ground-up with co-operative gameplay in mind. Join forces and strategize with friends online or join forces with nine AI commanders, three for each faction, all of whom have their own unique personality and style of play that might come in handy depending on the situation.

* Command the Seas, Conquer the World - Experience Gameplay as for the first time in the series, waging war on the water will be every bit as important as dominating by land and air. Gain strategic advantages by controlling resources in the seas and mounting three-pronged attacks from all directions.

* A New Threat from the East - The Empire of the Rising Sun is a technological terror, with unit designs influenced by a mixture of science-fiction, martial arts and robot culture. The Empire?s futuristic units can transform into alternate forms, and they specialize in naval warfare.

* Star-Studded Storytelling - Command & Conquer's trademark live-action videos return in HD, with over 60 minutes of footage featuring the largest cast in the history of the Command & Conquer franchise.

* CommandStick 2.0 - Improving on the CommandStick interface first pioneered in Command & Conquer 3 Kane's Wrath, 360 owners will get an unparalleled console RTS experience, with controls that continue to bridge the gap between the PC and 360 and a game designed to meet the needs of the console gamer.

Is There Any Doubt Red Alert is Back? - Armored War Bears, Sonic Dolphins, Tesla Troopers, Vicious Attack Dogs, Man Cannons and Tanya. Welcome back!

Source = COMMAND & CONQUER RED ALERT 3

Now I am one of those deprived children that never really got to play any of the Command and Conquers up until about around the year 2000, mainly because the ports of earlier C&Cs were absolute trash (I'm looking at you, PS1) and ultimately it was the C&C on the N64 that caught my attention and held it in a vice grip.

Such is to say I whored myself out around 2004 and bought a complete boxset, all nice and shiny with my favorite C&C, Red Alert 2. Anything after that was...well...sort of abismal, but in turn weren't terrible games in themselves.

That could all potentially change, but also it could potentially stay the same. I was always a fan of the way RA told the unfolding story through their actual cinematic sequences. Kari Wuhrer as Tanya always seemed like her best work (which...isn't surprising at all) and the general feel of the story lines were full of campy goodness.

Now Red Alert 3 is coming out, and I'm shocked to say that I did NOT see this coming until I found a IMDB link on it about an hour ago. What I found worried me somewhat.

EA has whored out the entire series to hollywood...but at the same time while I think this will take away some of the general feel to it, I can't help but notice that they not only did they nab names such as Tim Curry and J.K. Simmons, they have a venerable star studded cast. Some well known (George Takei playing an overbearing Japanese Emperor? Fucking SIGN ME UP) and others less known. The only -real- problem I had with this was not only did they replace Kari as Tanya (Jenny McCarthy is leading the show now), but I feared that since EA had whored together so many well known actors and actresses, that the gameplay was going to be absolute trash.

Well, after watching a 15 minute video on soviet gameplay, and the fact that the soviet version of the APC actually SHOOTS people into the air and into the danger zone, I have to say that not only does it seem to excel graphically, but it looks like a complete blast...the game might actually be fun to play as well as seeing Jenny McCarthy bounce up and down every now and then.

That...and armored war bears. ARMORED WAR BEARS. Expect to see bear cavalry zerg rushes a plenty online.

That, and I'm shocked as shit I didn't see any of this mentioned earlier.