'Shoot Everyone'? What the hell is this game about?
 

So I was browsing around the tumbleweed infested 'new release' section of Game today, which is.. a shop.. that sells games. It's quite a clever name for such a shop. But sssh, ssh, quiet down, because I came across a VIDEO GAME. It was called 'Dino Master', and it came complete with a Jurassic Park-ish style cover of a dinosaur in a red circle. A dinosaur I tell you! I was thrilled, my bowels were churning with excitement. I had to flip the box over to see what sort of game this was! I checked the blurb out.

'Become the Dino Master! Dig! Discover! Duel!'

And.. that was it! Well then, maybe the screenshot will hel-no, no.. it's.. it's just a 2D sprite dinosaur standing around with a green slab of nothing behind it and the word 'defend' in a blue triangle. WHAT IS DINO MASTER? Is it a Pokemon type game? Is it Street Fighter? The box DID NOT REVEAL ANYTHING AT ALL. It wasn't until I hacked into the NASA database with my skills that I discovered information about the game. Dino Master involves dragging a little man around the screen, who shits out a rainbow behind him which can capture enemies if you box them in. It's basically the old Qix game with the added bonus of a rock, paper, scissors mini-game to battle other dinosaurs with. That's not REALLY worthy of a name such as Dino Master now, is it? No. No it isn't. Or is it? Of course not. Unless..

The back of a box is THE BACK OF THE BOX, it's there to try and get you excited about what the game is supposed to be! It's gotta pull a huge random number out of its arse about how many hours of gameplay it offers, or technical terms that don't actually exist about graphics and stuff! Make up a story that sounds really amazing for a puzzle game and so forth! Shove in some great touched up screenshots! Spoil things for the consumer without them even knowing, like the screen of DEAD AERIS HAHA on the FFVII box! Have some artwork of the characters looking super awesome rad cool. I mean I guess publishers could get away with Dino Master's box back in 1982, but 2007? No! At least try and tell people it's a Qix clone.

Become the Dino Master! By TAKING BAD GUYS DOWN WITH YOUR SECRET MISSION RAVE BEAM SHOOTING SNEAKERS, KILL THEM ALL! YEAH COME ON! DISCOVER RARE ITEMS, BRAG TO YOUR FRIENDS! SHOVE 'EM OVER AND LAUGH! SPEW BISCUIT CRUMBS ON THEM AS YOU TEACH THEM A LESSON IN THE DEADLY DINOSAUR BLOOD BATH BATTLE! ORGANS AND STUFF! BANNED IN EVERY COUNTRY! TURN UP THE RADIO! FEATURES THE EXCLUSIVE USE OF GRAPHICS POWERED BY COMPUTERS! EIGHTY GIGAFLOPS OF THEM!

And have an image of a dinosaur standing on a semi-trailer while eating a school bus filled with nuns. So have you guys ever come across boxes that have completely hopeless descriptions of what the game is actually supposed to be? Did they leave you scratching your noggin until you had to be taken to Hospital? I.. I sure hope not. :(

FOX NEWS ALERT: SOMEONE MADE A SHITTY GAME FOR THE DS

FILM AT 11

Haha, Infernal, I think it'll make you glad to hear that even at Toys R Us, that game has been clearanced to $10 and isn't going anywhere.

That does indeed make me glad in every possible part of my body! Take THAT Majesco, you big bag of goons!

NO NED, JUST CANDY. NINETY DOLLARS.

I can't imagine anyone taking interest in this game... Not even kids. I swear. I've never seen a used copy of this game anywhere.

Hmmm...Majesco you say? I can't help but attribute this dino-sized crapfest to the fact that Majesco has been losing a LOT of money during development cycles in previous years, especially in lieu of Psychonauts. That is, they have poured a lot of money into development and have not been repayed by the consumer in recent years...which probably leads us to Dino Master.

Its understandable why they are trying to get by with as little development costs as possible. With a cheap product with short development times, comes little risk for the long haul and Majesco seems to be floundering. I hope they can bounce back...

Kids just walk right by it. Even though dinosaurs are this universal "boy toy", kids will completely ignore it. Part of it I think has to do with the cover, which has NO DINOSAURS ON IT. That and I'm sure when kids read the back (which they do, surprisingly) they realize it's just Pokemon, and decide they already have Pokemon.