friends with benefits could turn into...something more serious?
 

So here's story:

This guy, my first kiss, my first serious relationship, this one i'm trying to get back together with, is well, my un-official 'friend with benefits' now.
We dated a year ago. Let's just say the relationship didn't last long due to the fact he ended up moving away for a few months, and the week he got back he broke up with me. We stayed friends, since we have a LOT in common (same favorite games, shows, ideas, etc), and a few months ago we started hanging out a whole lot more often, and ended up starting a sort of no way in particular serious relationship together. As in, we got a little drunk and ended up making out, etc, etc. A week later we pretty much do the same thing, this time we end up sleeping together.
The problem is that he keeps saying he doesn't want a commitment, I tell him I don't care, because all I really care about is being with him and making him happy. I get caught up in the whole moment and I at that moment, i don't care.
But I guess I really do =\
The last time we hung out we ended up watching a movie and holding hands. ^^ nothing else happened except snuggling.

So, i want to actually start a real relationship with him again. :><: but i have a feeling he's not into the whole kind of thing...and i'm horribly afraid it'd ruin what we have now.

Fond memories of him are like this: on a party he had I was the one who ended up taking care of him when he was blind-striken drunk and hurling all over the place. When we were dating last year we did get a photo with santa together.

Am I just a crazy ex who can't give up on a relationship, or do i have some base to even try to ask him to make it into a commitment?

yes

No. Dude was honest with you. He told you his feelings. If you want something different, try someone else, this will either end with you feeling used or him feeling like you've tried to trap him into a relationship.

I agree with Denicalis completely. (minus the crazy part)

What Deni said. If you feel like it, you can continue with the way things are, and let him use you physically (and perhaps use him physically in return? :p) and just wait on the 0.0000000009% chance that he'd actually want to commit in the future.

Or you could actually go find someone who has the decency to commit to you.

Not trying to be harsh, but... he's made his feelings known. If those feelings have changed, he should let you know. Don't wait around hoping they'll change.

Come now, Rain. That's exactly what it is. If you had some bird pulling this, you'd call her your crazy ex. Own up.

Well that's true what Deni said but i just wanted to say that just because somebody else says so it's because it could sometimes not always be true all the time like for example if he loves you and just hasn't told you yet and you guys have true love and you don't want to let that go because that might sometimes haunt you for the rest of you life and if that happens you'll always be regretting the choice you made and because of what you didnt do.

At least that's how i would look at it and it's what i think because of you never know what someone is really thinking

Tande, he's using you for sex. If you're OK with that, then by all means proceed. But in all likelihood he doesn't want a relationship with you beyond what he has now.

we've only done it once, and besides that, we still hang out and have fun times outside of sexual things.
=\ so its not entirely about sex.

Love is quite a crazy mixed up game. Perhaps its not too out of line to call the participants crazy as well.

Crazy just seems like a blanketed statement. The underlying characteristic is perhaps a bit more difficult to put a finger on. Given that love is oftentimes very hard to come by, if craziness is a by-product, so be it.

What some call 'crazy' might actually mean human!

Wow I think I'm in the Quiet Place for like the first time ever. LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!

It might, I dunno. =) Years ago I had sex with a close friend out of nowhere, it was ninja sex. But then there was confusion as neither of us knew if we should upgrade to the deluxe package as proper boyfriend and girlfriend. But it was just too weird. And I didn't want to lose her as a friend, so I didn't push for anything. But it's since then turned into a 'friend with benefits' (she buys me meat pies) thing anyway so hey. Aaaand wait, I've forgotten what the point of my post was going to be. I'm good at this Quiet Place thing!

Maybe you could ask him and if he makes a weird face you could be all JUST KIDDING and press the play button on a tape deck that makes a laughing noise.

We know!

Don't do it. I would have advised against the whole "friends with benefits" thing in the first place, because the very scenario you describe ends up happening every time. The long and short of it is that you want a relationship, but he doesn't. Unless you really think you have a robot-like control over your emotions, which I'm guessing is not the case, you're better off aborting gracefully while you still can, before it gets all emotionally ugly.

Right on.

Deni and Alice nailed it pretty well. (Though I don't think you're crazy either)

It's not only unfair to yourself, but unfair to him to bring this emotionally any further. You're looking for something he's not looking for. Chances are, you're setting yourself up for emotional devastation, and you'll only have yourself to blame unfortunately. =/

I'd say continue staying friends, but if you can't help yourself from feeling for him in a certain way, perhaps it's best that you distance yourself until you can control those feelings a little more.

Sass nailed it. He isn't going to start caring for you more just because you want him too. You need to move on or get on the pleasure without strings train.

Tande, I know this came up in #concerthall. (funny the things we chat about in there)

I know you say you like being 'used' because you want to feel loved, but your relationship will not go beyond where it is now. Your buddy Tyler most likely just felt like having sex with someone. Besides, if he really wanted a relationship, he'd have been pursuing you since this is what guys do when they want a girlfriend.


Despite what you feel, it is probably in your best interest to slot him under the 'friends' category and go shop for a decent guy, if you'd like a boyfriend. I hear Juanzen is a pretty good guy.

Well, I'm not saying anything that anyone else didn't say, but I have to say I agree with them. You can do better, and you should.

I wouldn't stop being friends with him, after all you were friends before all of this started, but I think you and Tyler should discuss boundaries. Tell him that you don't want friends-with-benefits status. Say that it's either straight friendship or straight relationship. If you decide to stick with the icky friends-with-benefits status converse about how much you're willing to do. Mostly, I think you and Tyler should just sit down and talk about it.

A slightly different take, I guess.

Sometime soonish, tell the man what's on your mind. If he goes for it, hooray. If he doesn't, well, you now have all the reason in the world for a clean break, which I think is a good thing.

If you guys are really that good friends, things will be awkward for a couple of days, even a month or two, but things will go back to normal eventually. In that time, you'd probably get over it, find someone new and be ready to be a proper friend to him. If not, well, it's a shame, but you're better off not torturing yourself with long-shot wishes every time you're with him. You'd best be getting a clean break and moving on at least now knowing.

Whoa, ComradeTande, did you really say this?

Scrub this notion from your head this very instant. I've been down that road, and you do not want to go that way. You're imagining that making somebody else happy by letting them 'use' you will bring you a sense of self-worth, but this is dead wrong.

What you're going to realize, one way or the other, is that when you let a person use you, he you doesn't care about you in the slightest. You are just A means to his end, and he could just as easily discard you and get what he wants from someone else. That's the point at which you realize you haven't gained anything at all. No emotional fulfillment, no feelings of being loved - you've just been used. That's what it means to be used.

Take my word for it, this is worse than simply not being loved by anyone. Under that scenario, you're not being loved AND you're being debased in the process. Don't try to stick with your friend thinking that his pleasure will be your pleasure; there won't actually be any reciprocation, and you'll hate yourself in the end.

I thought I read up there that this Tyler person has already declared the lack of interest in a relationship with her. He doesn't want "commitment."

I don't know. I think since he already made his position clear, she needs to make HER position clear. If the two positions can't be made clear, the entire friendship will dissolve.

Besides - I think her pressuring him would be horrifically bad advice. =/

Also, Tande: I can relate to the whole "getting used to feel loved" thing. I did it when I was really young (and promptly wisened up). You'll find it's absolutely no way to treat yourself.

Whats more important in this world? How YOU feel about yourself or how some other person (who can fade in and out) feels about you? YOU should come first.

Tande, I know none of this is what you wanted to hear, but you've got to listen to them. It's better for you in the end. I really don't want to see you hurt, but if you don't listen to everyone like you should and you just continue down this path, don't expect any sympathy. You'll have made your own bed and you alone will have to lie in it. It's not pretty and it's not nice, but it's true.

Sucks that what we want to hear, the majority of the time, is the furthest from the truth.
Well, being a friend with benefits isn't strictly about sex. It can be a whole lot of shit, what others would see from the outside and think "relationship," while in all actuality there is no commitment. Maybe you love/like this dude, you're emotionally involved, while he just wants someone to hold every once in a while, sex, etc., and that's that. Possibly so that you fill an empty space in his life until the day comes that he finds a girl he actually wants a relationship with. Then you're history. This is why this sort of thing can never work, most women would never be able to handle it.

But if you really like the guy and don't mind keeping things the way they are now maybe one day he'll see reason? =OOO

Based on your first post, it sounds like you're hung up on him because he's basically your first everything (kiss, relationship, most likely sex I assume). And you want to prolong a hopeful serious relationship with him. Sounds like the dude is just using you. Labeling yourself as a friend with benefits isn't something to be happy about (unless you want it that way), but it is clear that you don't. He says he doesn't want to commit, and that's just a big red flag to me. I say that to guys I don't like all the time.

My advice is to either bring up the subject of the relationship with him, asking him if he wants to get together again. If yes, hoorah. If no, move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and hopefully some that will treat and respect you as more than a cuddle buddy on drunken nights.

Tande, trust me, I always have your greatest welfare at heart. You should go after him every day and never leave him alone until he finally buckles just from sheer irritation with you.

I skimmed the previous posts, but really Tande, if you guys broke up before, what makes you think you won't break up again?

we've been through relationships twice with eachother, once when i first met him (it was a shortlived one, mostly because i was young (like freshman in highschool) and quite fickle and didn't know him that well), and the other one started out...sort of how this is going. that one ended mostly because of space issues (he moved to florida for a few months, and he came back, and decided he suddenly didn't want to be in a relationship)

but i dunno. i'll talk to him ASAP about it :< at the least, i'm tired of being used.

So you were young then, and how much older are you now?