Dwelling over someone leads to disaster?
 

I'm writing this to get a more generalized opinion from the Advice Column over whether dwelling over someone will lead to screwing up a relationship.

I was wondering this earlier in the week because of what my friend did not too long ago. You see, whenever he hooked up with a girl he'd start to obsess about her. He'd always talk to me about what she was like or wonder what she was doing. It'd be like "Amy this...blah blah....Amy that" whenever we hung out.
Then earlier this year he started talking to another girl. Only this time his stance on the whole thing was to just "see what happens" and he never really mentioned her unless he was on the other line with her (if I called) or something. He's been with her for a few months now and it's definitely the best relationship he's been in.
According to him, his secret was being able to keep his cool with her because he wasn't constantly obsessing over her. Well that, and she's a nice girl which seems to help too.

Now I'm starting to wonder if I should practice this "go with the flow, and don't be like a creepy stalker" mantra with a girl. (bad way to word it, but you get the idea)
I remember the last girl I dated--before I moved in the summer--I royally goofed with because I couldn't be myself. I'd always go out of my way to try to be funny or way too accommodating, which she probably noticed and realized that I wasn't able to be in a serious relationship.
I dated another girl where I didn't constantly think about, and things went smoothly until she pissed me off. But at least that lasted a few months instead of a few dates. The thing with her is that I didn't "put the pussy on a pedestal" and I was A-OK when I was with her.

So I'm wondering what you guys think of this "go with the flow, time will know" kind of thing when it comes to a new girl/boy friend.

Does anyone have some personal experience with obsessing over someone to the point of screwing things up?

This is what took me at least a couple of years to realize, and decide to change. After I realized it, the pattern was pretty easy to recognize, especially since hindsight is 20/20. Looking back at my first relationship, I realized she wanted to be around me so much and was practically obsessing over me because I was doing the opposite. My second relationship, the roles switched, and within a few months I was acting like an obsessed human-shaped wad of cling-wrap and she was threatening to break up with me until I wisened up. We still date off and on, have been for the past two years. My third relationship didn't even start until after I stopped acting clingy and ended when she started acting clingy, et cetera. Everything else from there has shown that the more I take an easygoing attitude about it, go with the flow, and live my life normally, the more girls want to be around me.

The thing guys do too often in relationships is become clingy, or depressed and sullen and sometimes even angry when a girl doesn't like them or something. They dwell on it and dwell on it until it becomes like a poison. I used to do this all the time. Still do, occasionally, but I'm learning.

Of course. The problem with obsession is that you become attached to an idealized view of someone and it becomes the center of your life. You don't see the other person's faults, or really even see them for who they actually are. At the same time, you lose yourself and try to put forward this facade that you think is what the other person wants to see. All you have in mind is this perfect portrait you've painted in your own head. The moment something threatens that obsession, its a huge emotional disaster you just assume its your own fault since it couldn't possibly be the other party's fault--they are perfect. Take the time to get to know someone and don't make them the ideal center of your universe, and you'll have a good shot at a good relationship.

Which is why you need to accept the fact that you will face rejection, and you need to suck it up and move on. Not everyone is going to like you. How far do you think you can really get if you just stick your hands in your pockets and wait for someone else to make the first move for you?

I have met a lot of girls and have dated a few, and I would have to say there is only one girl that I acted myself pretty much the whole time and she loved it. Her and I clicked extremely well and things were working out well. Its too bad she moved back to Toronto and I haven't been able to see her since. She is planning to come to Winnipeg in March however. Personally, I can't wait.

There have been many cases that I have been too obsessing and pushy and yes, it has always led to disaster. I find if you are obsessing and pushing too hard, it probably won't work out. Trust me, in the end, you will find someone where everything just occurs naturally.

Clinging and obsession is display of weakness and dependance. Most people would hate it.

Obsession can be incredibly stifling in a relationship; everyone needs their own space. Especially I would imagine when a relationship has only just begun, because I think I'd find that a little creepy, if not downright scary. It's good to show commitment to the person you're with but don't overpower them with it.

Of course you'll face rejection. There are no perfect situations in life, and trying to ask a girl out is one of the stickiest situations a guy can get into. (no puns intended)
If you're not willing to throw hazard into the wind and just try your luck, you'll never get anywhere in the world.

There was a quote by Robert A. Heinlein, recently posted on a Quote of the Day thing I check every now and again, in which he said
"Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win."

I don't know if dwelling can be considered the same as obsessing. But obsessions are dependent. They, of course, can be good or bad just as anything else in this world. Blah, blah, blah, it all depends on the user at hand, blah, blah, blah.

In your case, I'd still experiment. I don't know how old you are so I have no clue as to what age range of women you're after. That can very well be a factor, you know. That the women you're interacting with may have a different level of understanding than ones a couple years older or younger.

So, your outgoingness of too much care didn't work, try going with the flow.

If that doesn't work, I suggest you try this:
Find someone who can act as your best friend rather than your girlfriend. to have the most similar qualities with another is usually a surefire way of maintaining/gaining a wonderful relationship.

In my own personal experience, I had always been shy about girls/women until college came. College is a huge eye-opener. Freshmen students just stating out sort of "reset" their personality in fear of messing up with classmates and such. "Oh, I don't want them to know about this about me from my high school days. Best to act as a responsive individual than my usual perky self." And of course this leaves room for people to match each other by common ground. What do you like to do in your free/spare time? What's your favorite type of book/movie? Do you love bike riding? Wanna go eat Japanese tomorrow? Etc.

So when I was attending PSU 3 years ago, I met and got to know 3 girls. One is a South Korean international student. Very bright and determined. The other is a junkie, I suspected. I still don't know to this day, but she was fond of smoking, drinking, and partying, alot. And the third being your average athletic girl. Active, busy, energetic. I got to know really well the later two. The international student didn't really talk much and could always be found at the library.

But neither did I try to date. I wouldn't even consider it, I thought. Their personalities were so different from mine that I could find no really substantial common ground of interests to relate to them with. Think about movies you've seen, TV shows you're enjoyed. Think about those couples and how they relate to each other. They have to have something they can share to have any more reason to see each other, right? Whether it's enjoying the same sport team, understanding politics and having fun arguing about something, being actively excited about some activity they love taking part in, or something else.

My best bit of advice when it comes to relationships is to be yourself. If seems like the theme of this thread is either becoming an obsessive stalker who changes yourself to please someone else vs. being yourself and letting things flow naturally. Of course when the two of you are comfortable with each other the relationship becomes cozy and less awkward.

Finding someone you can actually be yourself with is great. As far as I am concerned, if you can't be yourself and relax with someone, then the relationship (even if it kind of works) is destined to fail. As Mojougwe stated, it is matter of sharing common interests and values with a person. My girlfriend is one of my best friends, and that's a new experience for me.

I probably obsessed over everyone I dated until I was in my late twenties. Then I guess I realised it's just not working for me. I decided to take a break from relationships... which lasted over a year. The next time I found someone, it was a new experience for me. She sought me out, and it's a healthy relationship that we have. I'm not obsessed with her. I don't spend all my time worrying about what might go wrong, or what I should be doing for the best. As you say, I've been going with the flow.

It already lasted longer than any other serious relationship I've been in.