Make pizza like a fucking pro
 

Right so my mates had been getting on my back because I hadn't cooked them dinner in two weeks or so while I had mostly been mooching off them and their pissweak spag bowl. So I cooked up the greatest 4 pizzas ever. Oh man I'm so hungry just thinking about how awesome they were, also because it's 2pm and I haven't had lunch but anyway.

First up is the base and I'm just going to tell you guys to go buy one of those frozen pack of 3/4 bases right now because to actually make your own (despite the obvious jump in quality) takes excessive time and most importantly skill that you do not have to create.

Anyway coat the base in tomato paste. These days you can get varieties of paste that already have garlic and onions and the like already mixed in. Aim to get those but iff not jsut mash up a little garlic for yourself. It's important to cover as much of the base as you can with the paste and get the thickness consistent throughout. I like to aim for about 30% transparency. Thick enough so you have sauce on there but no so bad you can't make out the base at all.

Cover this paste with a light sprinkle of herbs. Basil isa good start but if you can find little jars that are called "Italian herbs" or something go for that too. They contain top secret herbs known only to Italians.

Now for the toppings. You will need:
:: Tons of Mozzerella cheese.
(only mozzerella is suitable, every other cheese breaks all the rules of pizza)
:: Half an big onion. Personally I recommend brown onions.
:: A fair bit of meat. Any animal will do, on this occasion I used ham. What it vital though is the variety of you're chosen type of meat. Aim for something as small and cheap as possible. For ham sliced shoulder ham is a winner, bacon pieces are great too. I draw the line at minced beef though just because it's too messy. You want to be clean and presentale or any girls present will make dickhead comments about how they don't wish to eat your pizza. Also with chicken and beef it's best to have them cooked before hand because should you remove the pizza too early from the oven due to excessive hunger it's not good to consume raw farm animals.
:: Half a capsicum. For illiterate Americans, this is what english speakers call bell peppers. Should you be making multible pizzas such as I did try to buyy capsicum in a variety of colours. Don't just cheap out on the green shit. Red capsicum has the best balance between flavour and price.

These are the base ingredients and vital to all pizzas. But what's great about pizza is that you can chuck any fucking vegetable you like on it. It's a great way to keep eating healthy by putting beetroot, carrot, celery, whatever on your pizza. On this occasion I grated some carrot and it was super.

Also remember that apart from the tomato paste, pizza's are strictly fruit free zones. Nothing ruins a pizza like a pineapple.

Now get all your topping and cut them up as small as possible. I don't want to see shit like strips of ham or rings of onion. This isn't some arty fart pizza jiont where they do a shit job of preperation and double their prices. No one wants to bite into a pizza and have half the topping get dragged off. I think I'd rather die in fact.

One everything is cut up, mix it all up togethor on the chopping board, minus the mozzerella. In fact now is a good time to give the base a very light topping of mozzerella, it'll melt and act like a glue holding the rest of the pizza in place. Now chuck your mixture of ham, onion, capsicum, goat's balls etc. onto the base and spread it all around evenly. Try to avoid say big chunks of onion togethor but don't ever spend more than 30 seconds on this process or again bitchy girls will complain about it.

Now coat it with mozzerella until you pretty much can't see anything else.

If you hadn't already preheated your oven to 180°-200°C (350°-400°F) then you're an idiot and deserve to have to wait longer for your pizza to be cooked. Hopefully you'll die of hunger while waiting. But anyway throw your pizza onto a tray and close the oven. Using the timer is for weak fags, just check the pizza from time to time. Usually how cooked your pizza will be depends on how hungry you are but at the very least wait for the cheese to melt. However for it to be properly cooked look for any changes in colour the base. You want it a nice golden brown. Some people like to have it blackend so their pizza is so crisp it snaps (and is easier to slice) but most give in to their longing for pizza well before then.

Finnally pull it out, let it cool a little and then cut it up. The rolling pizza knife thingys are ideal but any knife will do really.


So guys, what are your pizza tips? Any particular vegetable or herb combinations you like. Personally I'd like to hear some herb tips because they can really make or break the pizza and I feel as though I play it too safe with my basil + italian herbs one two combination.

I have, and only in bouts of extreme hunger, reduced myself to spicing up frozen pizzas (I try not to eat them at all). Ive added extra sauce, hot sauce, hamburger, picante sauce (wasnt as good as it sounds), and vegetables. Nothing can really save it from the terrible card board taste, but it helps.

Frozen pizza should be removed from supermarket shelves.

Im with you on that.

Ive been at 2 day LAN parties where frozen pizza was the only viable source of nutrition (I use that term lightly), but other then that I stay away from them.

Certain frozen pizzas arent too bad I think. And you said for the topping put mozzerella but I've always been taught by a lot of people to sprinkle grated parmesan cheese on the top. Just a tiny but. It adds a little taste thats good.

I imagine you might be able to buy pre-made dough from a local pizza shop and use that rather than a packaged store bought base.

I wouldnt think that cheese would be an issue. Its more so your prefrence. I think what he meant was, mozzarella is the original, and should be used when making "serious" pizza.

You can easily make pizza doughs in a bread making machine. That's what I usually do, it's pretty simple.

Also my perfect pizza is,
Base: Home-made base with tomato paste mixed with barbecue sauce or topping or whatever. It's an unusual taste, but I like it.
Cheese: Mozzerella. Bottom and top layer.
Toppings: Pepperoni (added first before other toppings around the edge of the pizza), capsicum, ham, cabanossi, mushroom, onion, pineapple and ANCHOVIES. Anchovies are an intergral part and must be added last, over the second layer of cheese.

I also like to sprinkle a little garlic or chilli seeds over the top, but not always.

You haven't lived unless you've put romano cheese on your pizza as well as the parmesan. Trust me. It's expensive, but it adds so much flavor.

Also, I love you for this:
I love baby portabella mushrooms on pizzas. Also very spicy sausage. <3

Pinapple makes for a good pizza treat. Not something I would stuff myself with, but its a nice change of pace.

That sounds pretty ace except for the pineapple. FU

Not a big fan of pineapple, eh? Elaborate on your disgust.

It's all about pepperoni and jalapenos, with hot sauce mixed in with the tomato sauce. This is one of those times when you can get a hot sauce that is heat intensive instead of flavor intensive, because you have the flavors of pepperoni and jalapenos already. Served best with a tall whiskey glass, and a shot of Aqua Vitale for dessert.

I love this stuff, but at least make sure your guests know what they are getting in to before serving.

So true.

As for the "all frozen pizzas suck argument," I have to say that there's a certain brand (the name slips my mind) that I love after I added a few toppings. Fix 'em the right way and they're as good as the big chains, with less grease.

I agree on the whole pineapple on pizza is sick, thing. Fruit should not be on a pizza, and pineapple severly ruins the taste of a pizza as it is too sweet and tastes gross cooked.

Hell no, pineapple on pizza is RAPE. rape signifying the pure joy of my taste buds. The cheese and the pineapple make this awesome taste in your mouth, how can you not like it?

Tomato is a fruit, what about adding tomato? You've already got a fruit in the base sauce. So you can't complain about fruit on pizza.

tomato sauce is not a favored part of the pizza, and I prefer it in minimal amounts, and at least its not made with fatty tomato chunks... at least not on my pizzas

And here i thought tomatoes were fruit!

*Ha ha, i re-read the quote..NEVERMIND!!*

Tomato paste is tomato extract. It's so far removed it doesn't matter. Fruits don't belon on pizzas because fruits are juicy. Pizzas shoud not be. Would you put apple on a pizza? Or kiwi fruit? No.

You are a genius. Next time I'm making pizza I'm gonna add in some hot sauce to my paste, jalapenos, spicy pepperoni and some spicy italien sausage. Damn, this is going to be great.

Freschetta is a fantastic supermarket pizza o.O; No other brand is anywhere *near* good. But it's fantastic. Pure and simple.

Haven't ever hand-made a pizza, since Freschetta is fucking phenomenal o__o I should make some... 10:40pm and no din-din yet. Ugh. Maybe tomorrow... Tired.

really, the difference with tomato is that it's not as sweet as other fruits.

Reading comprehension is generally an asset.

The fact that Provologne, Feta or Asaigo cheeses have not been mentioned in this thread yet makes me hate all of you.

Expand your cheese horizons you fools!