URBX Throwback 29 August, 2536: Klugman's Dome
 

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "Hey hey hey! Good evening! This is URBX Throwback, where we truly kick it old-school. I'm Slim Eddie Vitreous, and this is my lovely co-host, Daisy Gladnews."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "Hi. I'm Daisy."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "If this is your first time on the Throwback, what's up? Here's the 411: Throwbacks are Xpeditions into what the government calls "Heritage Sites": physical structures from the multiverse that survived the Accident more or less intact. Nobody knows why! Since Heritage Sites are a freaky thing that's hard to explain, it stands to reason that there's probably weird shit in there."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "We need to collect it or murder it. Before it murders or collects us."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "That's the ticket! Throwback Xpeditions are a little different than what you'll see on original flavor URBX. For example, no pods!"

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "Heritage sites are surrounded by an Imperial forcefield that disintegrates anything moving over a speed of [BLEEEEEEEEEEEP]."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "Girl, you know that's classified. Point is, no pods means no squad substitutions and no evac! But Throwbacks have about the same failure rate as a normal Xpedition. Anything living in a Heritage Site is working with a very limited array of technology compared to us on the outside."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "Plus they've been locked up in there for, like, centuries. Probably they're all dumb inbreds and shit."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "The other big deal about Heritage Sites, the main reason they're sealed up, is this: they're usually dripping with weird Omega loot. It's all gonna be within the limitations of the original host planet, but it's pure, undiluted by the Accident."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "Like their genes."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "Point is, the Empire doesn't want that kind of business getting out into public hands. Any tech our squads recover from a Heritage Site ends up in a black box in a warehouse somewhere, no exceptions. Don't panic! They'll be compensated generously in Imperial bonds and military service exemptions, and of course they're free to use the tech while on-site."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "Heritage Sites have not been scouted, and have no DJ. However, this site is rated Copper as there were no citizen fatalities during the initial exposure event. Nobody knows what's in there, but it's not powerful enough to break through the field so it's probably nothing too scary. Also, how are you talking? I don't understand how sounds are even coming out of your... head... thing."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "So crazy. I like that. Tonight's Xpedition takes us to The Smokies, a southern territory full of fairly unimpressive mountains and fairly impressive barbecue. Klugman's Dome was a popular peak from hiking and tourism until a tragic jet accident revealed a sprawling dwarven fortress beneath the mountain's surface. Now it's a no-go zone for 3 miles in every direction... except for our squad!"\

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "Let's join them now via the patented URBX Scrying Pool."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "Cameras can't broadcast from within a Heritage Site, so we can't provide you with the thrilling close-ups usually provided by HoverCam. However, every Xplorer's jumpsuit has been fitted with recording technology without their knowledge, so look forward to plenty of first-person skull-smashing when this Xpedition hits URBX Replay!"

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "Melancholy of Perfection is a fairly new squad, with only one Xpedition to notch on their belts. Imperial Rangers have escorted them to the minimum safe distance and they're awaiting the go-ahead. Fan favorite Esperansita Mamara appears to be smoldering slightly in the warm light of the sunset."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "Site Coordinator Al Barnes is on the scene, giving the squad a refresher of the same Throwback rules we've just explained to you. All right, he's exiting the suppression field, let's hear his thoughts. Al, do you expect this squad to come back in one piece?"

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/barnes_t.png "They seem enthusiastic and competent enough, Eddie, but of course we have no real idea what's inside. Some of the natives that tried to escape right after the discovery were screaming about some kind of demon, but unfortunately they had to be shot before they could explain. Can't have Heritage germs getting into the cities, you know? Anyway, these primitives are constantly making up scary stories because their lives are so dull, so maybe there's nothing in there but dust and bones."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "Let's hope those bones put up a little fight, ha ha! Throw the switch, seal 'em in, and let's Xplore!

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "The squad's been given the go-ahead, and the Xpedition has officially begun. Melancholy of Perfection's standing in front of a dilapidated fort built on the river that winds down the mountainside."

Jill, if she was going to be honest, knew very little about dwarves. She knew they were generally not much bigger than her and she knew they all appeared to be male. She also knew they were a bit stinky but that they brewed if not fantastic beer then certainly plentiful beer and that was her favourite kind. Surely it wouldn't take long to find a brewery in this place and then hopefully one of the team would have the capability to organise a piss up.

Working on the assumption the door would be either locked, trapped or both, she flew up to the roof, looking for a sneakier way in.

Sven sees what the little fairy thing is doing, and nods in approval of her clever surveillance. "Excellent work, little fairy thing!" he shouts.

Sven is excited by the prospect of dwarf treasures. He's heard so many stories! He'll need to figure out a clever way to smuggle out the untold riches of days past.

Flopflap squishes over to the door.

"YO WHATUP"

Ah the sun!!!!

What an asshole...

Since the blob seems intent on getting the attention of anything that may be in the fort, Mamara decides to just crouch by the deck and skirt the contour of the fort to spot anything that may be guarding the outside.

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "Johnson's flying up to the roof... and there's basically no roof. Wow, what's with these dwarves? Looks like they spent the night in a vat of blueberries!"

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "They call themselves the Dvergar. They consume a lot of colloidal metal due to a distrust of modern medicine and hostility toward Imperial economic policy. Weird to see them outside their compounds."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "If these guys got in before our squad, then something's definitely gone off the rails. Good! I hate rails! They can't tell me what to do!"

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "But those rifles might be able to tell Johnson what to do, so she needs to — ah, looks like Stingdick's running interference. Seems like the Dvergar are insular enough that the sight of somebody like Stingdick can still surprise them."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "I haven't been surprised by a talking purple blob since I turned 18! That was a good birthday party."


(Map!)

"Oh, shit"

It may have taken an obscene amount of time between Flopflap kicking the door down and realizing that, in fact, shit was instantly about to get real, but he decided that he'll be ready for it in any case.

And that the noisy fairy can be left to her own (explosive) devices. He wanted none of that impending shit storm whatsoever, thank you very much.

Free Action: Shroud on Raid Leader
Minor Action: Quarry on Raid Leader
Move to M5
Ready Action Double Strike onto first enemy to step past the statues toward to the door

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/eddie_t.png "Oof, looks like Johnson doesn't have the aerial mobility you need to dodge small arms fire. Luckily, being shot in both arms has left her reasonably stable."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/daisy_t.png "Dvergar tend to shoot at anything flying; as far as we can tell, they find the whole idea offensive."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/dvergarleader100.png "You're meant to be under the ground, not above it! Adam and Eve, not Adam and... somebody help me out here."

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/dvergarscout100.png "Eaves? Like, she's perching on a roof? Get it?"

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/dvergarleader100.png "Yeah! Get off the dang roof!"

23 physical damage to Jill; 6 damage from Scout A, 7 damage from Scout C, 10 damage from Scout D. Bloodied.

16 physical damage to Flopflap from Raid Leader; bloodied

Twin Strike: 12 damage to Raid Leader

http://www.saxypunch.com/missile6/hidan.png Cliff 15, Esperansita 14, Jill 14, Sven 11, (ROUND 2) Flopflap 25, Dvergar Scouts 20, Dvergar Leader 17

(Map!)

Cliff hears the sound of gunshots, and immediately feels the need to laugh at someone. He sprints for the doorway, but finds that his beautiful fur is still full of product from the pre-show makeup session. That lady really didn't know when enough conditioner was enough. He slips, and finds himself scrabbling across the floor of the building, bowling over Dvergar right and left. He comes to rest at the far end of the room, and slips out from under the last of the bearded jerks he'd tripped up.

Oily coat! Overcharge success.
Speed is 8x2 so 16 squares.
Move - 8 spaces to leader, then 5 spaces to A, 1 to B, end movement under C. All are knocked prone.
Mark surrounding targets.
Stand up at V17.

The only Dvergar left standing stares at Cliff, still trying to identify the tiny destructive pinball he just watched fly about the room. His face is just beginning to change to an expression of comprehension and rage when the mammoth bone meets it. When Cliff's weapon comes away, the face is still angry.

Just a little more concave.

Club D in the face with mammoth bone.
21 electricity damage to D. Bonus 1 damage to... A, i guess.

One of the Dvergar lying on the ground winces at the sound of crushing nose cartilege. Cliff just wags his tail and looks immensely proud of himself.

Well it seems stealth might not be the best approach in such an open spot. Very well.

Mamara gets on her new found fun times vehicle, does a litle turn and then heads straight for the nearest statue, right after jacking herself up with some of that sweet sweet Military-issue Hypostim she got from some sketchy mark on an old mission.


GET ON DA BIKE

DRIVE TO T7

HEAD TOWARDS STATUE AND FAIL MISERABLY AT DOING ANYTHING CLOSE TO KNOCKING IT DOWN, LAND SOMEWHERE ON THE OUTSIDE DECK

I THINK THAT'S ENOUGH FOR NOW, DAZED AND SLOWED AS I AM


Well, apparently she hadn't really noticed that she would have to pop a pretty sweet wheely to get to the statue, and she isn't quite as tubular a rider as she was back when she participated in those "Xtreme Wheel Based Objects Gnarly Tricks Doing" competitions way back when.

She did, however, fully fulfill her intent to not make further use of stealth for the present moment.

Jill found herself temporarily paralysed with indecision and the seconds ticked by, feeling more like weeks...

Coming too, she realised she was about to get murdered and figured that discretion in this case was the better part of valour. Tempting though it was to just blow the keep to kingdom come, she knew in her heart of hearts there would be better opportunities for explosive antics at a later date and instead she did her best impression of something invisible whilst hightailing it back teh way she'd come.

Memory hole, double augmented at V16. Move to S6

Additional Spam:
18 damage to B, 11 damage to C, invisible to both until start of my next turn

If there's one thing Sven knows, it's absolutely not Dvergar, but don't worry, he can probably fake it.

"Do not worry, friends! Don't you know anything about puny gray beardmen? Sven has watched a television program on Dvergar once! They burst into flames and die immediately upon seeing the sky! Also, if you insult their ancestral lineage, their heart explodes inside their chest and they also die from that! This is why their entire civilization has accomplished little of note! Hahahahaha! Stupid puny beardmen and their puny weak hearts!

Let us vanquish them as quickly as possible, for this fort surely contains countless riches! Which Dvergar are allergic to, and will cause them to instantly die upon viewing! They must not have noticed the riches yet!

You there! Dvergar! Your fathers were beardless and your mothers lacked pigment! Hahahahaha! Idiots! Also look at all the treasure!"

Standard: Overcharge Compulsive Liar
1. Dvergar spontaneously combust upon viewing the sky.
2. Dvergar die via heart explosion if you insult their heritage.
3. Fort contains mad riches, which kill Dvergar.

Minor: Disparage Dvergars' parents.

This shit is killing him. Locked up in an endless robotumblr debate while on shitty underground wifi; Flopflap needs to get his shit together and is thankful no one else has shot him yet. Or the mystery man behind the robo-curtain. That guy probably deserves an assbeating too.

"This shit is so depressing. It really speaks to me"

http://41.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb...c9oso2_500.jpg

Free Action: Shroud number two on Raid Leader.
Standard Action: Double Strike onto Raid Leader with NINJA STARS
Hit 1: 12 + 9 = 21 --> Hit. Invoke Shrouds. Invoke Quarry. 2 + 6 + 10 + 6 = 24.
Hit 2: 12 + 9 = 21 --> Hit. 5 + 6 = 11.
Total 35 damage to Raid Leader
Move Action: Dodge, get the hell out of it. Q0 looks great at this time of year.

This fuckin' dome, man.