The One Shot Joke Thread.
 

Single jokes, riddles and anything similiar for laughs goes here.

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the physician informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your doctor's bill!!
--------------------------------------------


> An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
> Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> Officer: Can I see your license please?
> Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
> Officer: Don't have one?
> Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
> Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
> Older Woman: I can't do that.
> Officer: Why not?
> Older Woman: I stole this car.
> Officer: Stole it?
> Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
> Officer: You what?
> Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
>want to see
>
> The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
>calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
>officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
>
> Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Th! e
>woman steps out of her vehicle.
> Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
>
> Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have
> stolen this car and murdered the owner.
> Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
> Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
> The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
> ! Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
> Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
> The officer is quite stunned.
> Off! icer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
>license
> The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
>it to the officer.
> The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
>
> Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
>a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
>the owner.
>
> Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too


I'll post more later.

Here are a few riddles for y'all to ponder over.

1. Here is an interesting set of sentences. Everything is normal about them, yet they have a hidden meaning. Looking closely at them will gain you nothing. Looking at them with a piece of paper partially or totally covering every word will. Okay, so what are the sentences really saying?

2. Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister?

3. A ball of yarn that is 3 inches in diameter costs 30 cents. By the same pricing system, how much should a ball of yarn 6 inches in diameter cost?

4. What is the only thing in our household whose only purpose is to soil a clean white surface?

I'll make a joke in relation to the name of the thread.

Could a one shot joke also be a joke about a bunked free-throw?

2. No, because to be married, you have to be alive.

3. 1 dollar, 20 cents.

Admiral Amara:
For number 4,

1. Find volume of yarn in 3 inch diameter ball (4/3(pi)r^3) = 4.5(pi)
2. Find volume of yarn in 6 inch ball by same forumula = 36(pi)
3. Compare two volumes (36 is 8 times greater than 4.5)
Hence, the barn of yarn with diameter of 6 inches would cost 30 cents x 8 = $2.40

You did get number 2 right, which is good.

Reposting remaining riddles:
1. Here is an interesting set of sentences. Everything is normal about them, yet they have a hidden meaning. Looking closely at them will gain you nothing. Looking at them with a piece of paper partially or totally covering every word will. Okay, so what are the sentences really saying?

4. What is the only thing in our household whose only purpose is to soil a clean white surface?

Oh, damn, I did it by circumfrence, not volume. Whoops. I'll try to do better next time.

4 = Toilet Paper!
That's nasty!


My favourite Joke from the last time:

"Your momma is so fat that when she got in the elevator, the only floor she could go was down!" LMAO!

Atheist dies and goes to heaven, when he gets there St. Peter says, well since you didn't believe you'll have to go to hell. So the atheist goes to hell and everyone is partying and it's like a 24/7 club. He looks over and he sees all these people falling down to hell and they're burning in agonizing pain. Just in flames falling and continuing to burn for eternity. The atheist goes over to Satan and asks "what's up with those people?" and Satan replies " oh that's the christians, they wouldn't have it any other way."

Joke about a blonde guy.
------------------------
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of
a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one
more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm
going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Fish paste
again! If I get a fish paste sandwich one more time,
I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw
corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and
jumped, too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the fish paste and
jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned
beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him
again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The
blond's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own
lunch."
______________________________

Birth Control in Liverpool
-----------------------
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.

whats the difference between a black jew and a white jew?

tasteless? :(

Reminds me of a particular 80s book I'll never read again.

What do you call a cow too close to the ground?
A: Ground Beef

lol I love that one..

So there is this guy with speech problems. He goes out shopping for a few things. First he goes into the bakery and asks the the assistant
"Can I have a Bum please?".
the assistant looks at him and says "Dont you mean Bun",
The man replies "Yeah thats what I said", and he takes the bun and goes to the sweet shop.
In the sweetshop he asks the assistant
"Can I have a Lickit please?"
The assistant assumes he means a Liquorice stick and asks
"Don't you mean a Liquorice stick?"
The man repies, "Yeah thats what I said"
He takes his Liquorice and goes to the Clock shop. In the Clock shop he asks the assistant,
"Can I have a Cock please?"
The assistant looks at him in disgust and says
"I believe you mean a Clock sir"
The man replies "Thats what I said you moron". He takes his clock and walks out of the shop.
On his way home, an elderly woman asks him for the time and he replies
"Hold my Bum and Lickit, while I get my Cock out"

:biggrin: I believe he got a slap after that lol

What happened to the wooden car with the wooden engine?

Why did the golfer have on two pairs of socks?



Brian teasers:

How much cubic feet is there in a rectangular hole that is 2x3x4?

Johny picked 5 apples. He at all but 3. How many were left?


Here is a good trick to play on a group of people.

Start by telling this story...

One day, a young female teacher led a group of mentally handicaped people (back then they called them 'retarded') to a zoo for a field trip.
They came to the first exhibit and saw a couple of animals that looked similar to humans but were swinging on trees. The teacher said, "What animal is this?" the students said, "It's a monkey!!!." The teacher said, "Yay for the retarded children!"
They went outside to see more animals. They came to a large animal enclosed to a large pin. The animal was huge and gray with big ears. The teacher said, "What animal is this?" the students said, "It's an elephant!!!." The teacher said, "Yay for the retarded children!"
They went further on and saw an animal with a very long neck. It ate at the tops of trees where no other animal could. The teacher said, "What animal is this?" the students said, "It's a.........."

Here you stop and act confused like you just forgot which animal it was. Suddenly, someone from the crowd will say, "It's a giraffe!" This is when you fall back in and say, "Yay for the retarded children!"

Joseph

Here's a really corny one.

What did the tree say to the math teacher?

"Gee I'm a tree." (geometry)

Now on the other hand, I have five fingers.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

They're saying there's no point to them.

Helloween:
Nope. There is something rather interesting about them besides the fact they don't make sense.


Reiterating 4:
4. What is the only thing in our household whose only purpose is to soil a clean white surface?

And no, the answer is not toilet paper.

Oh i so got it before anyone else. Although this victory feels empty cause i took the hint.

You could add a sense of yayness to the victory by answering number 4.

Also, here's a few more while I'm at it.
5. A helicopter hovers a few feet above a house with a triangluar roof. A chicken egg is dropped right on the very center of the roof. Will it roll down the left or the right side?

6. Consider a record spinning on a record player. Take two points on the record, one close to the center and one on the edge of the record. Notice that the point on the edge is travelling a larger distance in the same amount of time than the one in the center, so it's speed is greater. Yet the velocity of the disc is the same regardless of what two points you pick on the disc. How is this so?

one joke
 

this is one from another forum, i couldn't resist!

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over and asks, "Where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did alright," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

is it a

Helloween:
A WINNER IS YOU!

Proud to be an American.

Two families moved from Saudi Arabia to the USA.

When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever
family had become more American would win.

A year later they met again. The first man said, "My son is playing
baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
case of Bud. How about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck You, towel head."

Umm, It didnt roll down either side because the egg broke?

"Daddy daddy daddy, Guess what I want to be when I grow up?"
"Shut up boy, you've got Cancer."

FannKiba:
Correct, because there's no way you could drop an egg on to a hard roof like that and expect it not to break.

The first letter of each sentence spells out H-E-L-L-O?

If thats the joke, I feel really really gyped. ;_;

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.

How many boring people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just some random riddles.

1. Do they have a fourth of July in England?
2. How many birth days does the average person have?
3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
4. Where are potatoes grown?
5. Divide 30 by a half and add 10. What is the answer?
6. If you have 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
7. A clerk at a butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
8. On what side of the cup does the handle belong?
9. What weighs more, a pound of pennies or a pound of dimes?
10. What is it that people who make it don't want it; the people who buy it don't use it; the people who use it don't know it?

1. Yes, they have a fourth of July everywhere that uses the Roman calendar, but it's not celebrated as "Independence Day" except in America.
2. Just one - when they're born.
3. All of them.
4. Underground.
5. (60 / 1/2) + 10 = 70
6. Two apples.
7. He weighs meat.
8. Cups have handles? Well, I'd assume you mean mugs and say the outside.
9. They both weigh the same - one pound.
10. A coffin.

I did mean cups..as in teacups XD but mugs work too.

So a "male" robot and a "female" were screwing, and the male robot was yelling "OOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!" The female robot said, "What's wrong?" The male robot said, "I busted a nut."

Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives
If you ask your husband to pick up five items from the shops and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noted.

The Salary Axiom
The pay rise is just enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance
Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries
There are no answers only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Carrier Bag Law
The chocolate bar you planned to eat on the way home from the supermarket is hidden at the bottom of the carrier bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment
When leaving work late, you will go unnnoticed. When you leave early, you will meet the boss in the car park.

Sorry, this is wrong.
It should be 130.

60/(1/2)=60*2=120

120+10 = 130

The original question was divide 30 by a half and add 10....I think they put 60 by accident. Jumping the gun, so to speak.

70 is the correct answer - the solution should read 30/(1/2)+10=70

Yeah, I jumped the gun when I posted "60". I meant "30". I'm weird sometimes, I guess.

Lessee...

Ah I think I got one:

Take a random number. Doesn't matter which one! The answer is always the same!

Now, solve this question:

(insert your number here) * (same number) + (same number) / (same number) - (same number) = ???

Why do blondes wear underwear?

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn't need if you stayed single."

Also:

Two blonde bank robbers are racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car, down to a bank they're going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleads the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."

"Relax," the driver replies, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat..."

The velocity is the same, not the distance, and the turntable remains rotating at 33RPM.

I don't believe that is a sufficient answer. (no offense)

The proper answer would be that the Angular Velocity of the points remains the same.
However, the Tangential Velocity of each point varies, as it is a function of the radius and the Angular Velocity, and the radius varies.
The reason why there appears to be a discrepancy in distance travelled between the 2 points is because angular measurements are in terms of angular measurements, wheras distance is measured in terms of physical lengths.

In other words, it is a confusion of terminology.

This riddle is based on actual history. As a matter of fact, it is more of a history test than a riddle.

The time is early 1600s, in Febuary, in London, England.

A mother and her child are travelling by foot through the rain looking for shelter. They take refuge in a local hotel where they are greeted by a dignified gentleman who is the receptionist. He states that the only vacancy is one small room, with a small bed. He also mentions that their is a hotel about two kilometers down the road that may have vacancies. The mother decides to board the child in the small room, and she will make the extra trek through the rain to the other hotel for rest.

The next day, the rain has let up, and the mother walks back to the hotel where she left her child. She comes back to the same hotel, sees the same dignified receptionist, and asks to see her son. The man looks at the mother with a puzzled look and says "You want to see who?" The mother explains that the previous night, she brought in her child, their was only vacancy for one, and she left her child there. She even went to the room where she left her son, but found the room to be completely empty of everything. No more bed, sheets, carpet, nightstand, bible, etc.. The man told her that the room was never made to be a hotel room, and was being used as extra storage space.

To say the least, the mother was crushed, but the big mystery is, what happened to the child?

hint:



answer:

Which way is the spinner spinning?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...spinner3ff.gif

Also, a humorous story:

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"

You need more parenthesis, as division takes precedence over addition. Don't they teach Order of Operations in math classes any more? The correct syntax is (n * n + n) / n - n

And it works because of a simple algebraic simplification. (n*n + n)/n is n + 1. (n+1)-n = 1.

How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb?

If anyone listens to the KTU joke-off on radio station 103.5, you'd know this one. I just changed it a little.



And for one out of my own pathetic attempt:

One day a woman travels away from home on a work and leaves her mother and cat in the care of her husband.

A week later, when she remembers she has a husband back home, she calls him.

W: How is the cat?
H: How is the cat? Isn't there any hello my dear caring husband, how are you , what have you been doing in my abscence...etc?
W: Yeh, yeh! Whatever. How is the cat?
H: She died!
W: What? She died? How could that be? I left everything for her. Oh God! Now you ruined my stay and you made me sad. You could have told me that she was walking on the balcony or something like that and leave the bad news when I come back!
H: What can i do now? I told you so take it!
W: Ok now, how is my mother?
H: Well, let us say that she is just...walking on the balcony!

what five letter word gets smaller when you add two letters?

A baker is baking some jumbo muffins. He gets two ready, and puts them in the oven. Once in the oven, one muffin turns to the other and says "HOLY SHIT WE'RE GONNA DIE!" and the turns back and says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

A man walkes into his bedroom, holding a sheep, and says "This is the pig i fuck when you say you have a headache." His wife replies, "That's a sheep." At this the husband says "I believe i was talking to the sheep."

Pee-Wee Herman was recently arrested for masturbating in public. Chuck Noris was recently given an award for masturbating in public.

That word would be "Small".....lol

Ok, Let's try this riddle, it was from before the board crashed, but regardless....

Ok, here's the Scenario...

On 1 island, there are 6 wells (labeled 1- 6) and on another island there is one well (labeled 7). If you drink water from any of the wells, you will be poisoned. You can only be cured if you drink water from a higher numbered well. So For example, if you drink water from well #4, you can only be cured by drinking water from well #5-7. So there is a man on the large island as well as a dragon. They don't like each other so they drew up the terms for a duel. This was that each person would give the other a bucket of water that they had to drink out of. The Man CANNOT swim and therefore, cannot reach well 7. The dragon, on the other hand, can fly over to well #7. So, the dragon, so sure of himself, agreed to the terms. For the duel, the Dragon flies over to Well #7 to get water for the man. They meet back at the large island and swap buckets of water. Afterwards, the dragon goes back to drink the water from Well #7 in order to cure himself of whatever the man gave him. Within a few hours, the dragon is dead and the man is still alive. How does the man survive the poison and the dragon die from poison when he has the ultimate antidote?

The only thing I can think of is that the man gave the dragon seawater, so when the dragon went off to drink from the number 7 well, he drank to his death.
The man lived because he took a drink of the lower-numbered poisoned water before drinking the water from the dragon, thus saving him.

That was fast.....but ok.....good job on that.

Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to let that linger around for a while or something, so people can ponder it over?

I can put the answer in spoiler tags if you want.

By the by, I like riddles. :3

Nah, whatever....I'm not sure of many more riddles, so go ahead and post some if you know some good ones...

Ok, well here is a good riddle for you all:

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

Might it be pressure?

Considering this ^ I would think that is the wrong answer. :boxing:

Also, please give explanations for your answers. I wouldn't want this thread to be cracked down on like the Guess the Anime Screenshot thread. :)

Although my answer is wrong, i'll explain.

I turn polar bears white = (Higher Atmospheric pressure means slower melinin for a polar bear. Melinin is the pigment that changes colour in your skin/eyes/hair.)

and I will make you cry. = (Could be a result of peer pressure.)

I make guys have to pee = (Pressure of the bladder.)

and girls comb their hair. (Could also be a result of peer pressure.)

I make celebrities look stupid = (Celebrities could feel stressed thus leading to pressure.)

and normal people look like celebrities. = (Peer Pressure could cause this.)

I turn pancakes brown = (Pressure can cause heat and thus heat will turn the pancake brown.)

and make your champane bubble. = (A bubble is the release of air and air pressure.)

If you sqeeze me, I'll pop. = (If you could squeeze say a container of pressurized gas it would explode.)

If you look at me, you'll pop. = (Could also be a result of peer pressure. Everyone staring at you could make you "pop".)

If it wasn't for the pancake thing, i would have said wind. But i know this is not holding so...

The hardest part is to see exactly how does one "pop". I assume this is object is tangible since you can hold it, squeeze it, and pop it. How about a hint, packrat?

I'm taking the coward's way out, but after making my brain do backflips, this is what I came up with:



...I know, it's kind of stupid, but that's my guess.

Why Was Santa Nervous At Christmas Time? Because He Has Low Elf-isteem

Makes a valid point. Since I really can't guess the riddle either.

You win. :judge:

The best part is that in the history of this riddle, most little kids asked it answered it correctly right away, while many Harvard graduates racked their brains for ages trying to figure it out.

That's ridiculous! Regardless of the fact of being able to solve the riddle or not, you can never have a riddle that has no answer. It's stupid in my opinion.

What do you mean? The question of the riddle was answered. At the very end of the riddle is the question "can you guess the riddle?"
That question is part of the riddle, and is the only question asked. Whether or not there may be such a thing in the universe that fits all of the descriptions is beside the point. It asks if you can guess it. Period.

Bad joke time:

What do you do if you're ever attacked by a circus?

Go for the juggler!

Yo momma is so fat that when she was born her mom looked at her and said "wheres the cream filling?"

It's the sun! As in the light.

Polar bears = the light allows us to see the color

Cry = the sun set ventures people to cry because of the esthetic feeling that it's present to the viewers. (personally, I don't think it works on me)

guy's pee = In the morning, all guys have to pee. (unless you're playing wow all night)

women combing their hair = same as the above (beatuify themselves)

celebrities = they already look dumb

regular ppl = same as above but with the twist that they look like them

pancake = The sun can cook pancake for you

wine bubble = boiling wine?

pop = i suppose the sun might pop from being hugged (therotically impossible though)

you'll pop = looking at the sun thru a telescope without the sun shield can pop your eyes.

not sun, THE POWER OF GOD!!!

i'll bet it's one of those really lame riddles that has an answer for every line. Which is lame.

My brother told me this one the other day and for some reason it struck both of us as really funny despite how corny it is:

This bloke was getting on a bit and living alone after his wife died,
and was very sad and lonely. So he went to the pet shop and asked the
assistant for a pet that would keep him company through his twilight
years whilst not needing too much care and attention itself.

The shop assistant said, "I have the very thing, it's quite special
you know," and produced a cardboard box. Inside was a millipede.

"What's so special about that?" asked the man.

"It's a talking millipede," the assistant replied.

The man was mightily impressed and bought the terrestrial crustacean
at once. Later that evening the guy thought, "let's see what this is
all about then," and opened the box.

"Shall we go to the pub then?" he asked the millipede, but got no
reply.

He asked the question again but still his new pet said nothing.

He wondered whether to take it back to the pet shop, but decided to
give it one last try. Looking into the box he asked again, "Oi! Are we
going to the pub or what?"

"Alright, alright," the millipede snapped back, "I'm just putting my
shoes on, for fuck's sake."

lol at that last joke...lol, took me a bit to get, then I was like wait milipede...lol

Did you guys ever bother to READ this page, not much less this thread? I mean, seriously, I told everyone the answer. Why keep guessing on what it is?

Its like asking what happens to Aeris in FF7.

What happens to Aeris in FFVII???

Oh dear god.....Why did you create an account just to say that?

Anyways.....Let's kick off some more riddles/problem solving.....

There are 3 jars on a table. All three jars contain nothing but pennies and are labeled albeit incorrectly. One jar holds pennies from 2005. The second jar holds pennies from 1975. The final jar contains pennies from both years. By only taking one penny out of one jar, determine which jar has which pennies.

Here's a joke I just got in my e-mail. I hope you at least some of you haven't gotten it before.

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Omnislash:

Well, you got part of it right. Your first step is correct. You cannot knock over the two remaining jars. Using what you know from the first step, deduce the last step mentally. You don't see what's in the remaining two jars and do not need to.

The first step is to pull out a penny from the "Both" jar. For now, let's assume it's a 1975 penny. The "1975" jar really contains pennies from 2005. And the "2005" jar is really the jar of mixed pennies. If we assume the penny I pulled out was a 2005 penny, then the "1975" jar would hold mixed pennies and the "2005" jar contains the pennies from 1975.

Omnislash:




[Edit:] Aww, I was beat.

I'm going to hold off on the panda joke, appropriate though it may be give my name, since everyone probably knows it already. Here's one I haven't seen too many places:

A group of three blondes enter a police station looking for advice on how to join the force. The head detective pulls out out a folder.

"The most important thing you would need to be as a police officer is observant. Sometimes you have only seconds to identify a suspect before you lose the chance to act. I want each of you to look at the man in this picture for five seconds, and then tell me something about his appearance."

He flashes the picture, then turns to the first of the blondes.

"What did you notice?"

"This man has one eye," comes the reply.

The detective glances again at the photo. "You idiot, this is a profile shot. You're never going to cut it on the force, get out of here!" A moment later, he turns to the second.

"What did YOU notice?"

"This man has one ear."

The detective is furious, and stands straight up. "Did you not hear what I just told that other moron? Get the hell out! You're never going to be a cop either!" After the door shuts, the detective collapses back in his chair, and half-heartedly engages the third.

"Well, what about you? What'd YOU see?"

"This man is wearing contacts."

The detective sits upright, grabs the magnifying glass from his drawer and re-examines the photo.

"My god, you're right," he says, "how on Earth did you notice that?"

"Well DUH, he has one eye and one ear, he sure as hell can't wear GLASSES!"

Here's one for you (can be quite offending to some :)):

Q: What do you do when someone is having seizures?
A: Throw in the dirty laundry! :tpg:

Both are correct. Though it was really confusing in your explanation. Here was my explanation....

Let's say all three jars are labeled by sticky notes that you can peel off and put on another. You pull one out of the "Both" jar and that jar will be whatever you just pulled (e.g. If You pulled a 1975, swap the Both and 1975 Labels around. If you pulled a 2005, swap the Both and the 2005 Labels around.)

So now we know for certain one of the jars.

Given that they are ALL labeled incorrectly, the one you haven't touched yet is still labeled incorrectly. So switch that with the Both because you know for certain the other jar.

Here's a riddle wich is not very hard, but fun to solve:

There's a room with a light in it that also gives of heat. Outside the room there are 3 switches. They are all turned off. One of the switches belongs to the light in the room.
Now you have to find out which of the switches that is. You may turn on as many switches as you like, but you may enter the room the room ONLY ONCE.
(And outside you can not see the light :-P)

Haha, you know, it's funny that I've been asked this riddle earlier and they certainly didn't give me this much information. Actualy, they only give one less than what you gave. And that may be the biggest hint possible....regardless....



BTW, if you wanted to know...

I don't remeber myself saying anything about a second room...
But the idea is right though :-P

Oh shit....damn, I just assumed it was the same riddle, but it's different.....

Well, all the same...

The Official Answer:


Sorry about that.

You know, theoretically, I could just open the door and look.

Yeah, a lot of riddles are theoretically easy as long as you do something that you would do in real life, but we can just as easily change the scenario and say that the light switches is across the room from the door.

Then I'll just turn my head after opening the door. But yeah, a lot of riddles are riddled with reality gaps, just to make a person think.

Here's a cool joke:

This guy gets home from work and he goes into his bedroom to get changed. Upon entering the room, he sees his wife laying naked on the bed. He immedately assumes that she is having an affair and he storm out the only other door out of the bedroom: the door to the balcony. He sees some fingers hanging onto the ledge of the balcony and he's sure that this is the man having sex with his wife. Furious, he stamps on the fingers until the man plummets to the ground. Leaning over the railing, he sees that the man is still alive, so before he gets the chance to move, he tips the fridge (also on the balcony) onto the man, killing him instantly.

In heaven, the man walks up to St. Peter's Gate and Peter says, tell me truthfully why you're here and I'll let you in. The man says: I was just cleaning some windows and some crazy guy started stamping on my fingers and killed me with a fridge.

He gets through.

The next man in line gets the same offer. He says: Ok, so I'm buck naked, hiding in a fridge...

Though most people will prolly get this, here is a little riddle.

The poorest have it.
The richest want it.
But if either was to eat it,
then they would surely die.

It is easy, but what is the riddle talking about. And yes, there is only one answer.

Could it be

Ya. You got it. How long did it take you?

Not a lot of activity on this thread anymore...
Anyway here's one:
A man and a woman have 5 children.
And half of them is a boy.

To clarify:
I'm not including the parents, they are all 5 healthy normal children.

there were either 3, 4, or 5 boys. That way at least half would be boys.

This one's old, but I love the answer to it, and I'm hoping someone will get it.


You are in a room with four walls, a ceiling, and a floor. There are no doors or windows, the room is completely closed off. The only objects in the room are a mirror and a table. How do you escape?


(Forget for a moment that there couldn't naturally be any illumination in such a room, and just assume you can see everything.)

Checking yourself out? I dunno if the answer is a pun or something.

Rofl. I didn't even think of that.


The only thing I could get is that the mirror is one of those one-sided mirrors (mirror on one side, see-through on the other); so by taking the table and throwing it at the mirror you could get out.


EDIT: I was told the answer, so I'm not going to say it here, but geez...

A group of people discover a new process of making clothing that produces higher quality, more comfortable clothing. They patent it and begin making T-shirts named Gress, made from their initials. Over the next series of months, their product's popularity grows exponentially. The group starts a company, Gress, Inc., and begin purchasing factories and gathering employees in order to meet the demand. When the buyers demand variety, the company begins producing colored tees. They also eventuall make other types of clothing such as pants and socks. It becomes lucrative for all involved.

One day, two friends meet for the first time in a long time at a high school reunion. One discusses how he had all this wealth, had accomplished so much, but lost it due to greed. The other friend responds:

"You have nothing, but I dye Gress."

Hahah, I like that answer, Omnislash, but sadly no. The answer is not a pun per se, but it is all about a play on words. If Ryuu truly did get the correct answer, then he knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Do you actually use anything? Or is it something like a door frame with no door?

Yeah, you do, and no, there's no doorframes, the walls, ceiling and floor are all solid, impossible for you to gnaw/claw/kick/bodyslam your way through. I'm sure that's all much more clear in the original riddle, but not the way I posted it. Oh well :) I'll repost the riddle and then hide-ify the answer.

You are in a room with four walls, a ceiling, and a floor. There are no doors or windows, the room is completely closed off. The only objects in the room are a mirror and a table. How do you escape?

**Hidden Content**

Darn words, and darn phonetics and the english language. :)

Do the walls actually make a room, or are there just 4 walls?

Do the walls actually touch the floor and ceiling?

Is it the table that you use?

Do you even use the mirror?

The walls make a room, and touch the floor and ceiling. As stated, it is completely closed off. You could say you're in a very large box of any type of tough material that isn't edible or whatever. You use both the table and the mirror. You're thinking way too hard about this :)

Yeah, I dunno then....

*Checks the Answer*

What the hell.....

Meh, Logic's never done anything good for me anyways. :(

Yeah, after I was told the answer, I basically knew I would have never gotten it anyways.

I like your answer better though, "Checking yourself out" lol.

Just some easy brainteasers. Try to guess!

1. You have one little marble, and you have to share it with your friend. How would you do that if one doesn't get more than the other? DON'T SLICE IT!

2. Your doctor gives you three tablets of medicine, and he tells you to take one every half an hour. If you take the first one at approximately 10 AM, what time will you have finished all the tablets?

3. You set an alarm at 9, and you went to bed. How long will you sleep if you go to bed at 7 PM?

4. Draw a triangle with ONLY one straight line. No curves, no zig-zag styles. Just a simple line.

5. There are 15 birds up on a tree. The tree grows on a cliff. One bird is shot. How many are left?

6. How many species of animals did Noel bring into his ark?

Have patience in reading.

Ozma:

I agree with most of this logic, except number four. You're probably right, but I thought of a different approach.

A triangle has 180 degree's when all 3 angles are added up, so you just draw a single straight line, which is the diameter of any circle, which happens to be 180 degrees as well.

A somewhat related tidbit (to triangles) is you can get a 270 degree triangle. Take a globe, start at the north pole, go 1/4 of the way around (to the equator) and turn 90 degrees right, then trek another 1/4 of the way, then turn 90, then go back to the top. Voila, a triangle with three right angles.

Considering it's Christmas time, I thought I'd share a little Christmas joke..

Why is Santa's sack so big?

Because he only "cums" once a year.

Merry Christmas everyone!

two drums and a cymbal just fell off a cliff: ba dump ching

A classic Dolemite joke - The other night I was fuckin' a deaf and dumb girl, and she wanted me to stop so she says to me 'HAFFAHAFFAHAFFAEEEEEEEE!' So I cut the bitches fingers off so she couldn't tell anybody.

The truth is, that both answers for number 4 are wrong. There is an even simpler answer that doesn't include any mathematical explanation. The answer for number 1 is also incorrect.

The real answer to number 1 is this:
http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...d5/Ttt0713.jpg
You don't HAVE ANY FRIENDS!

Or maybe you're friends with yourself. Or maybe you just have another marble, which isn't so small, so you'd still have as many as your friend, and still only have one SMALL marble. But I like my original answer best.

How do you kill a fox?

You cut off his leg and make him run across Canada.

No. Still wrong, though I like your answer. So original, like...whatever.

For number 4, I suggest taking a piece of paper and drawing a line diagonally. The two edges and the line make a triangle.

I'd like to know what the real answer is....

What do you call a black man who can fly a plane?

What does a native dad give his son for Christmas?

Your bike.

So a blind guy walks into a 7eleven with his dog, picks it up and starts spining it around. The clerk asks him what he is doing, the man replys. Im just looking around.

YES!!!! JACKPOT!!! You're right!

Lol, I'm glad someone finally got the friggin' answer. It was getting frustrating.

Here's a joke for you Canadian's, particularly those who live in B.C.

What great river flows through India and China?

3 old ladies sitting on a parkbench. A man runs up and flashes them.

the first lady has a stroke
the second lady has a stroke
.....
......
.......
BUt the last one couldn't reach

Here's an old and dumb one:
"Did you know that the next friday the thirteenth is on the fourth of July?"

We have those here to make fun of stupid people, that and:
"What is the color of Napoleons white horse?"

Lol! So true. Glad I live on the island and not in Hongcouver...

These are even dumber.
"Your youngest brother, is he a boy or a girl?"

Not yet!
"Who's the writer of Harry Potter?"
"J.K. Rowling."
"How on earth did you know!?"

How is this even funny?

What do you call a chav in a cardboard box?

Init.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.

What do you call a chav in a suit?

The defendant.




Please let me not be the only person who gets these.

What do you call a gay dinosaur? A Mightysoarass. Knuck knuck knuck.

I don't say it's to be funny, I claim it to be dump. Don't worry. I don't even laugh when I hear this, though it is stupid enough, even for a housefly.

What did one skunk say to the other?

Smell ya later! HARHARHARHARAHRHARARARARARARAR...hack, cough.

Get ready for a lame joke.

Why don't seagulls fly by the bay?


:tpg:

I thought it was funny, but then again I thought it was made to be a racist joke :lol:

:tpg: Brilliant!

What do you do if you run over a chav?

Reverse, just to make sure.

How does a chav switch the light off after sex?

Closes the car door.


And one my friend who specialises in bad jokes told me:

How does the man in the moon get his hair cut?

Eclipse it.

What's the first thing a chav girl says when she wakes up in the morning?

"Who the fuck are you?"

Am I the only person here that don't know what a "chav " is?

Jesus ctu, you're on the fucking internet. Use it.

I was disappointed when I find out what a chav was. It's basically just a poor person? That doesn't make it funny at all because it could be anybody. If it were a racist joke, however...

You should look at this: http://www.fat-pie.com/chavs.htm
They're more like watered-down skinheads than anything else. Also, you can have rich chavs (look up Colleen McLoughlin). Think the physical equivalent of a n00b who's on a trolling spree.

What do you call a chav in a white tracksuit?

The bride.

Knock Knock
Who's there
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito just bit me.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Andy
Andy who?
And he just bit me again!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna
Anna who?
Anna nother one just bit me.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
George Washington.
George Washington who?
Don't you know me?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Harry Truman.
Harry Truman who?
Was George Washington just here?

</mashripoff>

EDIT: God I hate the damn joke-a-day calendar >.>

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lucretia.
Lucretia who?
Lucretia from the Black Lagoon.

What's E.T. short for?

This thread is just one big, cumulative "UUGHHHHH".

Here's one for Canadians:

A woman goes to her doctor for advice about her husband’s low sex drive,

Doctor: Give your husband these pills and he should acting up in no time

Woman: Oh no I can’t do that, he can’t stand pills! I can’t even get him to take a vitamin!

Doctor: Well try this, I’ll give you a quick dissolve formula of the pill and just slip it in his morning coffee, he’ll take it for sure then.

Woman: Thanks! I’ll give it a try.

A few days later the woman returns to the doctor.

Doctor: How did it go?

Woman: Terrible! I did as you told me, I slipped the pill in my husband’s coffee, it happened so fast! He got the twinkle in his eye and smiled and me, we then had the most passionate, wild sex right there on the table

Doctor: I don’t understand, the pill did was it was supposed to…. Wasn’t the sex good?

Woman: Oh it was good… the best I had in years!

Doctor: Then what’s wrong?

Woman: It may have been the best sex I had in years…. But I don’t think I can show my face at Tim Hortens ever again!

So a Penguin decides to go on a road trip to California. He's driving along and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He pulls into the next service station and spots a mechanic.

Penguin: I was just driving along and all of a sudden it stopped running and starting sputtering and shooting steam everywhere.

Mechanic: Alright, I'll have a look at it, it'll take me a couple of hours.

So the penguin decides to walk around and explore the city. He's out for a stroll taking in the sights and sees an ice cream stand. He decides that something cold would be just the right thing, as he's accustomed to ice and it's a scorching day in the middle of July. So he goes up, gets a large vanilla cone and starts to enjoy it. He's loving it, but being a penguin he's having a hell of a time hanging onto it with his flippers. Not to mention the ice cream is starting to melt. So he's fumbling the thing all over and the melted ice cream is getting everywhere. Just covering him from head to toe.

So it's been a couple of hours and he heads back to the mechanic shop, still sticky with ice cream. He strolls in and the mechanic looks up and says:



nyuk nyuk nyuk

TECHNICIAN - Technical support, how may I help you?
CALLER - Yes, hi I have a problem with my computer.
T - Ok what is it?
C - Well I can't see anything on the screen.
T - Well, is it on?
C - I don't know... How do I turn it on?
T - There should be a power button somewhere on it.
C - No... it doesn't do anything.
T - Well then, is it plugged into your computer?
C - How do I check that?
T - Look behind your monitor, there should be a cable that runs from the monitor to the computer.
C - Well, it's kinda hard to tell when it's dark like this.
T - Then turn on the lights to see better.
C - I can't, do that.
T - Why not?
C - Because there's a power outage.
T - I see. Power outage. Great. Ok, then I'll tell you what you should do. Wait for the lights to come back on, then pack everything up that came with your computer and bring it back to the store.
C - Really? Is it that big of a problem?
T - Yes it is.
C - What should I tell the people at the store?
T - Tell them your too fucking stupid to own a computer.

What makes it funny is that I took that from an actual transcript of a technical support phone call. The technician got fired for it. I think he should have been promoted.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks 'Why the long face?" The horse says " I have Aids".

What's got ten legs and makes women scream?

Gang Rape.

What's pink and smells of holly?

Ian Huntleys cock.

What's red and rapes children?

Me, in my luck red coat.

What's brown and green and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

Rambo.

What's got eight legs and one big, black arsehole?

The A-Team.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

What's better than getting a silver medal in the special olympics?

Not being a retard.

What's the best part of fucking a 3 year old?

Hearing the pelvis snap.

What word beginning with n and ending with r would you not like to call a balck man?

Neighbour.

* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> why do you kick me
<bitchchecker> can't you discus normally
<bitchchecker> answer!
<Elch> we didn't kick you
<Elch> you had a ping timeout: * bitchchecker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
<bitchchecker> what ping man
<bitchchecker> the timing of my pc is right
<bitchchecker> i even have dst
<bitchchecker> you banned me
<bitchchecker> amit it you son of a bitch
<HopperHunter> LOL
<HopperHunter> shit you're stupid, DST^^
<bitchchecker> shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
<bitchchecker> for two weaks already
<bitchchecker> when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
<Elch> You're a real computer expert
<bitchchecker> shut up i hack you
<Elch> ok, i'm quiet, hope you don't show us how good a hacker you are ^^
<bitchchecker> tell me your network number man then you're dead
<Elch> Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
<Elch> or maybe 127.0.0.1
<Elch> yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
<bitchchecker> in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
<Elch> Now I'm frightened
<bitchchecker> shut up you'll be gone
<bitchchecker> i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
<bitchchecker> say goodbye
<Elch> to whom?
<bitchchecker> to you man
<bitchchecker> buy buy
<Elch> I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP address in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure.

I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
<Metanot> lol
<Elch> bitchchecker: Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
<bitchchecker> you're so stupid man
<bitchchecker> say buy buy
<Metanot> ah, [Please control your cussing] off
<bitchchecker> buy buy elch
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

There was a tension in the room... Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve...

Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
<bitchchecker> elch you son of a bitch
<Metanot> bitchchecker how old are you?
<Elch> What's up bitchchecker?
<bitchchecker> you have a frie wal
<bitchchecker> fire wall
<Elch> maybe, i don't know
<bitchchecker> i'm 26
<Metanot> such behaviour with 26?
<Elch> how did you find out that I have a firewall?
<Metanot> tststs this is not very nice missy
<bitchchecker> because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
<bitchchecker> be a man turn that shit off
<Elch> cool, didn't know this was possible.
<bitchchecker> thn my virus destroys your pc man
<Metanot> are you hacking yourselves?
<Elch> yes bitchchecker is trying to hack me
<Metanot> he bitchchecker if you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
<bitchchecker> yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
<Metanot> what firewall do you have?
<bitchchecker> like a girl
<Metanot> firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
<He> Bitch give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
<bitchchecker> turn the firewall off then i send you a virus [Please control your cussing]er
<Elch> Noo
<Metanot> he bitchchecker why turn it off, you should turn it off
<bitchchecker> you're afraid
<bitchchecker> i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
<bitchchecker> elch turn off your shit wall!
<Metanot> i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
<bitchchecker> shut up
<Metanot> lol
<bitchchecker> my grandma surfs with fire wall
<bitchchecker> and you suckers think you're cool and don't dare going into the internet without a fire wall

He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn't let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don't have a firewall at all, only my router.
<Elch> bitchchecker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
<Metanot> bitchhacker can't hack
<Black<TdV>> nice play on words ^^
<bitchchecker> wort man
<Elch> bitchchecker: I'm still waiting for your attack!
<Metanot> how many times again he is no hacker
<bitchchecker> man do you want a virus
<bitchchecker> tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
<Metanot> lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
<Elch> 127.0.0.1
<Elch> it's easy
<bitchchecker> lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
<bitchchecker> and are the first files being deleted
<Elch> mom...
<Elch> i'll take a look

In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?
<bitchchecker> don't need to rescue you can't son of a bitch
<Elch> that's bad
<bitchchecker> elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
<Elch> yes, there's nothing i can do about it
<bitchchecker> and in 20 seconds f: is gone

Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn't matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. bitchchecker was comforting me with a music tip.
<bitchchecker> tupac rules
<bitchchecker> elch you son of a bitch your f: is gone and e: too

Drive E: ? Oh my god... All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted....

Or isn't it happening on my computer?
<bitchchecker> and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
<He> why doesn't meta say anything
<Elch> he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
<Black<TdV>> ^^
<bitchchecker> your d: is gone
<He> go on BITCH

The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! Bitchchecker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! But how did he do this? I'll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.
<bitchchecker> elch man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
<bitchchecker> i'm already at c: 30 percent

Should I tell him he's not attacking my computer?
* bitchchecker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

Too late... It's 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias "bitchchecker". We see that he has a "Ping timeout".

We haven't seen him since then... must be the Daylight Saving Time.

I was so dumbfounded I couldn't laugh.. -_- Was a good read... Sounds like a 12-year old is hard at work here.

Excellent drama! :)

Try ChavScum - Welcome for a better idea.

Two chavs in a car and there's no music on, who's driving?

The police.


Also, you guys should check out Sick Joke Wiki - Sickipedia, best collection of off-colour jokes anywhere.

On death row

There's a blonde,a red head and a brunette all on death row
they are all out in the desert about to be executed
first up is the brunette the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the brunette yells out "Tornado!!" everybody turns around to see the tonado and the brunette runs away
next up is the red head the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the red head yells out "Flood!!" everybody turns around to see the Flood and the red head runs away
next up is the blonde the shooter counts 4-3-2-......
and the red head yells out "Fire!!"............

let share with you some humour about MEN...and WOMEN
Men and his irony :
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

Women :
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes
and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to
wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old
rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to
compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Note: It might be funnier if you're married...

INSTALLING A HUSBAND ...
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support

Oh men!

Another Marriage One:

A man, sick and tired of work everyday, asked God to switch bodies with his wife.

The next morning, he woke up as a woman… cooked, fed the family, drove to school, washed and ironed, went out for groceries, balanced the checkbook, vacuumed, dusted and swept, cooked dinner… after supper cleaned the kitchen. At night made love to the husband.

The next morning, he admitted his mistake to God and prayed for a trade back. God said, “O.K. But you’ll have to wait for nine months. You got pregnant last night!”

What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with a Collie?


......................................









A dog that rips your arm off and then runs for help.

man, you tell good story about bitchhacker marina, he/she was epic phail. =) my heart was beating so fast, it was exciting story xD

Here's one of my favorites...

When you roll a die, the chances of rolling a three are one in six. The chances of rolling a three twice in a row are one in 36, and the chances of rolling a die three times in a row are a jaw-dropping one in 216.

Assuming that you roll a die three times and get a three each time, your chances of rolling a three on your next throw are one in how many?

I'd say the chances of rolling a three on my next roll are still a mere one in six. The odds of getting a three don't escalate just because you rolled one previously.

What's worse than islamic extremism?

Chinese Democracy.

There was an Englishman, Scotsman, Welshman and Irishman sitting together at a pub with a friend.
The friend turned to the Englishman and said:"So, George, why are you called 'George'?"
George replied:"Because my parents are patriotic and I was born on St George's day, the patron saint of England."
"Ah right, that makes sense"., said the friend.
Then he turned to the Scotsman and said:"So, Andrew, why did your parents call you that?"
Andrew replied:"Because my parents are patriotic and I was born on St Andrew's day".
"Ah yes, very good.", the friend exclaimed.
Turning to the Welshman he asked,"So, David, why are you called 'David'?"
David said:"Well, my parents are patriotic also and I was born on St David's day."
The friend nodded sagely.
Turning to the Irishman he said:"So, Pancake...."

the egg broke

Additional Spam:
things you might not know....

Ma ny years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Additional Spam:
more things....
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Additional Spam:
more....
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

You're in your truck, and you see a black man riding a bike.
Why don't you run him over?:
It's probably your bike.

Here's a riddle:

A man and a woman are speeding down the road when their car breaks down. The man gets out and says: "Ok, honey, I'm going for help. Stay here, lock the doors, don't let anyone in." So the wife takes her husbands advice and he leaves to get help.

About 10 minutes later, the husband comes back with a police officer.

His wife is dead.

There's a stranger in the car.

There has literally been NOBODY or NOTHING that entered or exited the car.

Where were they going, how did she die, who was the stranger, and how did he/she get into the vehicle?

There are hints all throughout the riddle.

They were going to the hospital, the woman died in childbirth, the stranger was their child, and the child got into the vehicle after exiting the woman's womb.

WELL that was certainly fast, coeccias. That's the only good riddle I know.