Sex: Take It Or Leave It
 

I was inspired by another thread to create this one. Are you one of those people who just doesn't care much for sex and doesn't see what all the hype is about? Are you or have you ever been involved with someone like this?

I dated someone exactly like this once. He just didn't care a thing for sex and made no bones about it. He assured me that he would do it for me until the end of time since he loved me and wanted to make me happy, but it just wasn't on his list of favorite things to do. I couldn't go along with that, unfortunately, and I've always wondered how people like this manage to function in relationships or marriages, since I would imagine it would be pretty difficult to find someone else who shares this indifferent attitude about sex.

Tell it, people.

Do I really need to answer this question? I personally think people who are indifferent to sex are either a) bad at it so they become self-conscious, or else b) the people they've been sleepin with are terrible at it, so they get put off it. Only logical possibilities.

you left one out:

c) have never had sex, and therefore don't have any real valid opinion about it at all until they do.

Sure, Tama, but I was assuming that people who have never had sex aren't going to launch into a tirade about how much they hate it. ;)

Well, yeah, but I'm talking about people who you know for a fact have had sex and just don't care for it one way or the other.

And there really are people like this, as unbelievable as it may seem. Like I said, I dated one.

I think that medical reasons are a more likely cause:

c1) One of their hormones directly related to sexual desire and enjoyment is low (e.g. testosterone)

c2) Suffering from depression or other brain chemical imbalance that limits the experience of pleasure

I suppose I should have put a big [/sarcasm] tag on the end of that post to make it more obvious for you there, SS?:edgartpg:

Regardless of the cause, how many of you could knowingly enter into a serious, long-term relationship with someone like that?

I mean, I'm sure there are people who could forego a great sex life in order to be with someone they truly loved. I'm not one of those people, but surely they exist.

Not me. Being a good fuck is in my top 3 needs in a relationship. And if you don't enjoy it, you're not going to be good at it. Period. And anyone who argues "there are more important things", sure... but sex is up there. A relationship with bad or little to no sex is just friendship. I have lots of friends. I don't need one that takes up the majority of my time with no distinct benefits.

Well, it was my post that inspired this thread, and I'm quite happy to admit that Denicallis could have a a point. The fact is that until I did get laid, I presumed that sex was going to be great, and that it would go on to be a major preoccupation of my life. Instead it just didn't do anything for me. Since then I've pretty much given up on seeking a relationship, but I don't regret that decision in the slightest. There are multiple reasons why I'm not seeking a relationship, but my lack of interest in sex is one of them.

I should also point out that I do enjoy physical intimacy, but not the act itself. It's not that I lack a libedo entirely, it's just that sex really doesn't appeal to me, physically. I don't enjoy it.

In my case, it's so seriously not even an issue. There are so many reasons I'm not looking to date anyone right now that sex is the least of them. My lack of desire comes as a blessed relief, considering.

Wow. That's exactly how this guy was that I dated. He was extremely touchy-feely-kissy, but when it came to sex - and it wasn't that he hated it - he just didn't really want it. Ever.

I wouldn't give up on having a relationship entirely, Soluzar, as long as you're realistic about the fact that it's going to be much more difficult to find someone who shares your attitude, which it sounds like you are. I'm quite certain that there are women out there who would be just as happy if they never had to bother with sex.

We call them Shin's ex-girlfriends.

Yeah, that sounds familiar alright. I'm sure it wasn't me, though, on account of being on another continent at the time. ;)

Ahh, but it's a learned skill, you know? It doesn't come naturally, being in a relationship. There are all sorts of hidden rules and things that you only learn by doing, and I've somehow got to a certain age without really playing the dating game much. Not to mention the fact that I'm a head-case. You read Lehah's emo/depression thread, so you know that I'm not playing with a full deck, emotionally speaking. Or something. :ashamed:

I'm 30 years old, and I've never had a relationship that I would describe as in any way healthy. I've dated for a total of less than 2 years in my life, and a year of that was with someone I met over the internet, and only saw once in real life. Overall, I find the whole business too confusing and bothersome to be worth the effort. I don't let it bother me.

Hmm, is it just me or is the consensus thus far in this thread seems to say that lacking a libido is akin to having some sort of disorder.

If so, then consider me diagnosed!

Well, do you think it's normal? Be honest.

As normal as homosexuality.

It may not be natural, but it still can be normal.

This statement could open up a whole big can-o-worms, but I won't derail my own thread.

Let me rephrase my question. Maybe then I'll get an answer that isn't quite so convoluted. Do you agree that not having a desire for sex would be viewed by most people as a "disorder"?

Of course, we are conditioned by birth, hormones in puberty, and later on by culture to accept that everyone wants to have sex at some point in their lives. If any of those factors fail to contribute to that natural tendency, then of course people will start to look for what is "wrong". Are they lacking in key hormones? Are they repressed? Mental trauma?

That question is based on a reductive definition of "sex" but yes. When I use the term I too use the same reductive definiton, but it's not accurate. Some of the things that I do desire are definitely sexual. They simply are not copulation.

I'm in that category too. I certainly have lust and other things that give me the feelings, albeit on a slightly reduced level than normal. I just don't find the the act of sex all that interesting.

If the first question your date's asking when you come home whether you want to have sex with him, then something's might be wrong.

To answer your question: No, I don't really know what the hype is all about. Especially when I go to the kiosk and see magazine frontpages saying "100 WAYS TO LIVE HEALTHIER BY HAVING SEX" or "WANT SOME COOL PRESENT FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S BIRTHDAY? WHAT ABOUT SOME PENIS ENLARGEMENT OPERATION"

Seriously, "rolleyes"!

Sex is great and all, but I find myself intimidated by the risks associated with it. Like getting a girl pregnant? Fuck that. I have sex like a bomb squad technician.
The stress associated with that tends to reduce my desire somewhat, so I guess until I am in a stable and secure relationship, the costs of sex will outweigh the benefits. Most of the time.

AliceNWondrland to answer your question: I enjoy sex. It is something that I will only ever share with the woman I am marrying and it is one of our most intimate experiences. This isn’t to say that I am a sex fiend that wants it 24/7 but I do rather enjoy it when the mood strikes us that way.

For those who have no sex drive, while I might find that odd it isn’t necessarily wrong, but I think a lack of appreciation for the experience belittles the act itself. As someone else has already said, sex is an important part of a healthy life long relationship.

I dig sex. About as much as I do a good conversation or even a fight. Hopefully, on of these two events lead to some good sex.

Like most women, though, I am not really capable of just turning "on" or "off." I need to have some reason - some stimulus - to get me going.

Sex in itself is pretty alright. But its what leads UP to the sex that I enjoy more. Maybe the anticipation? Maybe the desire? I'm not sure, but that all seems a lot more gratifying to me than just fucking without any build-up.

Any people out there ever get that complete stomache-drop feeling during foreplay? Sometimes, he'll say something or do something that actually DOES turn my switch.

But yea. I probably tie way too many emotions into my sex, which is why sex isn't fantastic unless I have some kind of anticipation going.

I'd like to add that I have a pretty crazy sex drive. It all really depends on what else is going on around me or in my life. Like, if I just failed my final, chances are I won't be too enthusiastic about fucking unless he starts a fight with me or shows some serious sympathy. ^_^

I am one of those people who wants to wait until marriage in order to have sex. Not just because of the specialness of it all, but because of the risks. If a person becomes pregnant without marriage, then there's a good chance that the guy will skip out on them and either never contact them again or a risky chance of receiving child support. On the other hand, if the person is married and becomes pregnant (and the guy wants to leave) then they have a better chance of receiving child support and alamony (sp?). It sounds a little cold, but from what I've learned from my friends, the risks are not worth the reward. Not all men are like that, but you never know who is and who isn't.

However, to marry someone who doesn't like sex after I waited for so long would be a tough call to make. On the one hand, I would possibly love that person very much and want to be with them, but on the other hand, I would probably be deprived of an important part of human nature (and cheating on the signifcant other would be wrong).

I forget who it was that already said this, but I agree fully with them:

If I am in a romantic relationship, the person should like/enjoy sex. If you're the greatest person to be around and we can have nice long discussions and the world is happy but there's no sex, you're my best friend. And, to be honest, there's nothing wrong with that - Everyone needs friends. But If I'm romantically involved with someone there's the whole romance aspect that has to happen.

Well I think it should be more of two people agreeing together... Luckily up until now, my boyfriend and I are self-conscious about the whole deal and we decided to have sex until marriage, IF we do stick together.
Since I'm a woman, I wouldn't want to end up pregnant and screw my life, but now that I think about it, I wouldn't want to end up with diseases anyway. However, it'll probably be easier to be man since they don't suffer the most part of the consequences.

I would like my future gf to be open to the idea of sex, yes, if only to assure me that there is more to our relationship than cuddling and talking for hours on the phone.

I would rather NOT place emphasis on sex in the relationship, but that's because of my own insecurities; would she get bored? am i doing ok? does she think I'm too small? is she FAKING?

that sorta stuff.

Funny how I was just reading the chapter in my psych book about Sexual Disorders. Some people just have lower sex drives than others. Some honestly can't get through the day without having sex at least three or four times. Some people just don't need it ever. At what point is this a disorder or abnormal? It's when it bothers you and affects your relationships. If you manage to find someone on the same page as you when it comes to sex, and you can live a happy life with a healthy and meaningful relationships, then that's fine. If you're in a relationship where one person needs it more than the other and you fight about it, that's when you need help. As long as your behaviour doesn't affect or hurt anyone else, besides not being "within the norm" there is no real cause for concern.

It's hard to classify what's "normal" when it comes to sex because it involves a lot of factors such as society, culture and morals.

This is going to seem like a completely ridiculous post, but I'm going to type it anyway.

I agree with Sass, actually. Sex isn't fun unless there's tons of build-up. Sex without build-up is like drinking alone, it's no fun and often leaves a sour feeling in your gut. I do enjoy sex, but I will say that there are people who can put you into a slump about it and kill your desire.

In some ways I envy the people who don't have an immediate sex drive, it would make life a lot easier, then again it might make life kind of dull, too.

I wouldn't classify lack of sex drive as abnormal, especially since the people in this thread have expressed a desire for other physical forms of affection. Which is the way I felt until I found someone who showed me what an incredible experience sex could be. Not saying they need an awakening, because for them that's probably not it.

Now here comes the ridiculous part of the post:

For those who lack a sincere desire for sex, but may find themselves in a relationship where their partner wishes for intercourse-- there's ways of creating that desire. Namely, marijuana. I know you're thinking "But I'm not a drug addict," doing marijuana once or twice in your lifetime does not make you an addict. I will say that like alcohol it does foster the desire greatly, but it doesn't come with degradation in performance like alcohol, if anything it intensifies the stimulation. It also doesn't take much.

Well once you've had the best, why bother with the rest?

Before having sex, I was one of the people who couldn't careless about it. Now that I have, its another story. I'm fine seeing a girl and hanging out without wanting to get all up in their shit, but I won't be afraid if the situatoin comes up like I used to when I was younger.

Then again, I'm settled down now and everything with the relationships all cool. I can do without it, but I don't want to.

Is this like asking if you could be a person who is, or is not, okay with a partner that's like "ehh" to sex? Is this about losing the moment or something?

I guess it's about whether or not you could be with someone who's "ehh" to sex, although some people missed the point, I think.

Being in a relationship and not having sex is like buying a car and never driving it anywhere.

I was acutally involved with a girl for a while. Everything was going great and we were discussing being more intimate when the subject came up that she wasn't into sex. She said she had no problem doing it but that it wasn't her thing or something.

I broke up with her the next week.

It's not shallow, its nipping it in the bud. I like to get my fuck on when I can and if I'm with a chick, I can deal with once a week - perfer more but, hey, I have my right hand, so whatever. But like hell am I going to sit around and be miserable because the girl I'm dating can't deal with getting meat-a-fied for an hour a week.

Personally, I haven't had it in three years, and I really don't care. If I'm with someone I care about, it is definitely "my thing," but I'm not the kind of person who seeks out shallow and meaningless relationships just to satisfy his libido.

Besides, it's hotter when there's an emotional connection to your partner anyway. Otherwise, it's just...messy. Maybe fun, but messy.

Could I be with someone who's "ehh" about it? Considering that I'm "ehh" about it myself, at least when I'm not with anyone, yeah, sure I could.

Sex is great, but you've got to have something more with which to define a relationship. Contrary to popular belief, is IS quite possible for sex to get boring.

It's easy to miss the point of the thread when you don't bother to read anything past the title.

I can quite honestly say that you need to be able to match me and keep me satisfied, or I'm going to stray. This is the main reason why it's a terrible idea for me to be in a long distance relationship. I have a very high libido for a girl, and I suspect that even trying to stay long-term with someone who had a medium libido wouldn't work out too well. I wouldn't even try to touch a relationship with someone who was "eh" about sex. I'm not that naive.

If you have the wrong person, sure. Find someone with a modicum of creativity and it doesn't.

You have got to be joking. Tell me you're joking? When I have had sex in the past, it takes me a relatively long time to, well, to finish anyway. Smoking a bowl beforehand would probably lengthen that timespan to well over an hour. It's totally desensitising in that respect for me.

Mmm..I'll go with no, I couldn't be with someone with little to no sex drive. Just sounds disappointing.

I started hormone therapy for PCOS a few months ago which involves pill-form birth control to adjust hormones. My libido dropped to absolutely nothing for a few weeks and it's still pretty low :(

An hour is a long time to go? Well I should defiantly not do weed before sex... I think my fiancé would kill me. I thought weed just made you lazy?!?

I wouldn't say that I don't care for sex, but I would say that I have a lower than average libido. I don't feel the need to seek out sex, and I don't ever worry or think about it.

Now if I was married to someone I would course want to be able to make love with them, but I probably wouldn't need it very often, probably not even every week.

I'm not sure if I'm "eh" about sex, but I'm fairly close. I'm well aware that most people don't feel this way, and that I am not likely to find someone for me that feels the same way.

I try not to let it bother me.

God, it's been years since "last time". It was exceptionally good, mind you that, but I'm still not that interested in sex.

It's a hobby among others.

Was he an intellectual? I consider myself to be an intellectual person, and I also am uninterested in sex. Yes, I've had sex (over 200 times - 3 year girlfriend), but after we broke up, it sex just didn't seem logical.

You can accuse me I wasn't good in bed, or I have no confidence... but I ask you, what if I don't care if I was good in bed? What if I really don't care about what society thinks of me?

I am uninterested in sex because I believe the reason for sex is to procreate, but we can use artificial methods to seed the egg, thus why is sex necessary anymore? I am still game for affection though, because nothing beats expressing care for another person... Simply put I think he transcended the idea of sex, and so have I. Sure I'll have it every now and then, but in the big picture it really isn't important.

We aren't important as individuals, but our species is important as a whole, and if you transcend sex you stop thinking for yourself, and can spend that time thinking about humanity.

I think some people here might be confusing a low sex drive with low expectations of having sex anytime soon (that might sound like a snide quip, I don't mean it to be taken that way).

You might of been without it for awhile and don't actively seek a relationship, but you may be whistling a different tune if you happen to fall into one.

Are you talking about me? I've been in a few relationships since we broke up, and I've had sex with these girls... and yeah I enjoy it, but I always get depressed after the moment. I don't know how else to phrase it, but I feel so used by my instincts, and being a person who likes to control myself, I feel weak to, well, myself.

Weak to yourself? What's wrong with enjoying sex? It's one of life's greatest pleasures, not to mention the fact that it's extremely important in a relationship. Good food, good sleep, good wine, good music and good sex...things like that make life awesome. Why deprive yourself or beat yourself up for enjoying them?

I think we can all agree that sex in a relationship is quite important, yes?
Yes, it's an important step UP in the level of intimacy with your partner, but there ARE people in this world, like it or not, who don't view sex as THAT MUCH of an important thing in their lives, nor their relationship. I think we should at least accept that, without getting into negative territory.

Saying that one doesn't enjoy sex does not mean one is not getting any, and is therefore bitter about it. This can simply mean that sex has lost it's meaning, such as in Rocketdog's case, among other things, and so they find pleasure in OTHER things.

You keep count?

For the record I've probably had that much sex in the last 100 days...


I honestly believe that anyone who isn't interested in sex has never had decent sex. You might be a virgin who doesn't like the sound of it or has some backwards religious shit going on or maybe you've had a load of sex but have been unlucky enough to never have had sex with someone who knows what they're doing. Maybe you're not very good yourself? A bit of practice always helps as does a good teacher (Or two).

I don't really care about sex so I guess I'm one of those people. It's just something I don't really care about experiencing. I'd like to have a relationship that isn't based off of the sex, so when a girl asks me out or starts prepositioning me for sex, I have no choice but to shoot them down.

Of course, sexual attraction exists for me, but I ignore it. If its someone I care about, I especially ignore it, because I don't want my emotions to become completely based on that.

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist >_>

Oh screw you, its too early for me to actually speak correct English. D:

Welll whatever then. Like I know shit about good sex.

I just know that it's a desensitising factor, and it would certainly not make it better, as was being claimed.

I take issue with the advice, as well. And I base my opinion about this on the fact that I used to be a huge pothead who only dated other potheads.

Actually, your reply came as I was typing mine. So no. And, yeah, what Shin said.

I think I have a so-so drive. But I find that it's usually dependent on the person you're with. If they're good then it's all fine but if they're bad then it's boring.

Ahahaha, oh wow. A lot of points to work with here. Umm... I'll keep it short, okay? What does society's image of you matter when it is your girlfriend you're displeasing? I bolded the relevant part because there's just so much of your intellectualism.

intellectual = the new stupid

I wouldn't say it's a disability unless the drive has never or never will be there at all. There are some people who were sexually abused as children, and in that case it's a learned factor that sex=bad.

As for me, if she doesn't care for it much, I'll teach her to care for it much. Oh, yeah.

I don't think I could be in a relationship with a person who only wants to have sex if I want it. As if they are doing a chore of some sort. However, I am not really easy to turn on most times, and I can go a long, long time without sex.

I sometimes think I would rather spend my time doing something better, or more interesting, than having sex when I am not in the mood.

^ Like wanking?

I might be one of those disabled fellows smoodle mentioned. Sex is far too tangled a mess of emotional and ethical concerns for me. It's easier to just put it aside. Fortunately, there are others like me, so I'm not lonely.

Oh, son. I don't even know where to start here. First of all, sex has been a pursuit of the intellectual since the dawn of the intellectual. For every T.E. Lawrence (who I would argue simply expressed a secondary sexuality) there are a million Oscar Wildes and Miltons. Don't try and pawn this off as an intellectual pursuit, the intellectual is fascinated by the human condition. As a logician, maybe you have the basis of an argument, but please don't throw intellectual around because you read a book or two, and then act as if it has any bearing on the conversation at hand. If you want to argue an a priori stance about sexuality as necessity, please, be my guest, but I've seen nothing outside of you stating you're an intellectual that would even hint that you have a leg to stand on here. Seriously, mate. You're making yourself look bad.

God, I would have loved to seduce Oscar Wilde. I know he was gay, but that's all percentages anyway, and I'm sure I could have done it.

I agree with Shin. Those who aren't fascinated by sex simply haven't had an example of it that worked for them.

Personally, I think sex is the greatest multiplayer activity in the history of man. Before Xbox Live there was T'n'A. A partner that doesn't agree that it's an awesome way to spend 30-45 minutes is simply not a good partner for me.

First off, great SF icon Burning Ranger, took me a minute to remember where the hell I saw that from before :-D

Sex is definitely important. Though at this point I'm probably willing to hold off until marriage to have sex again, especially if the significant other wants it that way. I'm not too comfortable having a sexual relationship with someone I'm not interested in mentally. At some point in a serious relationship sex needs to be there, though. Porn can only do so much.

ps most scatterbrained entry evar

If you were given the choice between hot sex (because your partner is so horny right then) and an important appointment where the well-being of some other people is at stake, what would you do?
The people who claimed that you don't care about sex, simply because you never had a real good one might be right in some cases, but I wouldn't rule out the possibilities of exceptional people.

I don't think wierd hypothetical situations figure in to the original topic. "Hot sex or the lives of millions!" is a silly question anyway. If self-discipline for the sake of the well-being of others doesn't make your partner hot for you, you're probably seeing the wrong person.

Ok, the choice wasn’t meant to kindle extreme situations. You’re not responsible for millions of live if you opt for hot sex. Nor did I implied it. Let me reorder my approach.

… For every banana you digest you get one day extra off your life. Likewise you are given the choice to sacrifice the banana for unbelievably hot sex. What would you do???

Believe it or not, there are actually people who’d eat the banana to enjoy their extra day, relaxing in the sun studio and doing stuff like reading a novel. Seeing all the disbelief of enjoying normal things over hot sex, I just have to point this out. I don’t think it’s unrealistic.

I hate bananas. I'd definitely pick the hot sex.

Sorry for being late on the uptake.. I don't post often so I'll try and keep this coherent! :)

I'm not trying to start shit or anything, but I do not agree with this. Someone else mentioned in the thread previously that his reasons for avoiding sex was worry about getting a girl pregnant. I've been with my girl for about 5 years, and we have a pretty healthy sex life for the most part. However, sometimes the mental stress of worrying that I could get her pregnant and wreck both of our lives so early on really turns me off to sex. I have 1 year of college left to finish, and once I'm finished with it, I intend on marrying this girl. However, at the moment her getting pregnant would be VERY bad for the both of us. If somehow she did get pregnant I would have to drop school and provide for the kid. With something like that going through my mind, sometimes, I just don't feel like sex. There are consequences on both sides of the fence. However, I love her and no matter what happens, I will be with her in the future.

Couldn't you just wear a condom? That 1% margin of error is usually due to user error.

I can see the frustration inherent in being with someone who doesn't want sex but then at times I've been that person as well. Sometimes I go for in excess of a month without wanting it sometimes it's every day. I Honestly feel that if sex is all that's holding your relationship together you have a lot bigger issues between the two of you than one persons lack of libido.

Usually do. Just the paranoia of something going wrong such as breaking or my stupid ass doing something wrong always getting to me. I'm a firm believer in Murphy's Law.

I want hot sex when I get older. =P (Currently 17)

No, I haven't had sex yet nor will I until I'm "successful". (Good career, educationally set e.t.c) I think I'll wait on the "slam dunk" everyone keeps referring me to. I know condoms can reduce chances of pregnancy but there is still that small chance that I can get a girl pregnant.

I'll study in the meantime. I hope to get some ass when I'm thirty though. =P

I have a feeling it will happen before you know it. I give you 3 years. Ironically I lost mine around 17 after my ex and I were going out for 5 months.

As for me, I do love sex, I am a lustful and passionate fuckbunny. I mean its bad enough because i simply can't get enough, I want more and more, which usually bothers my significant other because of the duration. But as for the initial wait, I believe its necessary. I personally ask always if we could wait a few months, around 4-6 on average or until she snaps and just wants me to completely satisfy her every want, will, and need. And even then, I love to get off, but what gets me off more is just completely satisfying her to the point of exhaustion, or to where she no longer can hold herself up and her body just begins to shut off...

well I dunno if that constitutes me as "wierd"

Sorry if its a bit too much information...

To me sex is something that should be saved for the right person, mainly because sex is a powerful emotional and physical form of love. When you have intercourse with someone it should be the right person, even if this is hard to know exactly but sex isn't something to me that should be just used as a form of pleasure, there can be substitute to that [and no i don't mean anything else sexually related]. I am not saying that it is wrong to freely have sex but think of the other person as well, make sure they take it as freely as you do, sex is a dangerous but necessary form of Love and can have very bad opposite effects if used improperly.

I'm one of those people actually. I'm currently in a relationship for almost two years with a woman who I love more than anything else, but during that entire time frame we've only had sex about 4 times and its been 9 months since me and my gf had an intimate moment.

She just tells me she has no sex drive whatsoever, and she tells me its the pill that kills her sex drive. I really don't know how accurate a statement like that can be. I still love her nonetheless, so I'm willing to sacrifice a sex/intimate life if it means making her happy. Before her, I was only in one other relationshsip and that lasted 11 months but there was no sex involved with that either. Every other guy she has ever been with, has been nothing but a constant dissappointment to her because they couldn't respect the person she is. It seems I've been the only person to give her the happiness she really wanted.

I would think of myself, as someone with an average sex drive, and it does get frustrating to know that I can never have that kind of moment with her. It just comes from my lack of self confidence, and always afraid to ask for anything because I put hers and everyone elses needs before my own. She feels bad because she can't give me that satisfaction, and I try to understand and respect that about her.

Sex is the greatest earthly gift possible for human beings.
There is NOTHING, that I'd rather be doing then having sex in regards to what we have here on earth.
People who don't like sex are messed up in my opinion. I mean..its ok if they are virgins and are waiting. But people who are married and don't like it are just messed up.

I prefer sleep and food to sex, but I agree that it's way up there on the list.

This question is to Angel of Light: If you had known then what you know now about your girlfriend, would you have gotten involved with her? Just curious.

I started on birth control a few months ago for hormone therapy purposes, and yes, there's been a considerable drop in my libido. However, I'm not sexually active so it's not a problem. If your girlfriend is having a serious lack in her sex drive because of the pill, she needs to switch to a different one. There are plenty to choose from.

For me it is more of just a moral thing. To me, i feel like sex should only be a form of love to be displayed only when you are with the right person.
Of course the whole, how do you know the right person comes into play, but i am just saying like Marriage, i mean, sure it may be loserish but to me i see no need to define a relationship by sex and some people can.
I just don't understand how some people (i had this discussion in my English class) can just see sex as a form of pleasure and nothing more. I mean, sure sex should be pleasurable but there should be more of a logical reason for it besides "i just want some pleasure" i mean, if you have sex, at least have some form of deep love for the person before, but i am just one of those kind of people.

As for something like marring someone who wants to have sex but you don't is hard, and interesting enough one of my friends has an issue like that, she doesn't want to have sex or children but her boyfriend does want kids (biological of course). This idea is the only difference between the two and it is just funny how something like that can maybe change their whole relationship! I mean, i shouldn't be too surprised but it sometimes is just...different to think about that.

I still would, without a doubt. I can agree with what a lot of people say on this forum, that sex does indeed play an important part in a dedicated relationship because its showing the person how much you love them in a pysical and spiritual way. To me the most important aspects of a relationship is respect and understanding.

Would I like sex and intimacy to occur more often in the relationship I am in now; of course I would. Sex is probably one of the best feelings in the world, and even though I have had sex with my gf before, I probably haven't even come close to enjoying the full extent of it and more than likely I never will with the woman I'm with now.

I'm with someone who I practically have everything in common with in terms of our hobbies and interests and morals/attitudes toward modern society. We even hate and despise the same things. I wouldn't give all of that up for the best sex in the world.

Its not like she is not giving me any sex for her to punish me, its just her dealing with her own personal demons and her own low sex drive. I think I owe it to her as a respectful, understanding, and above anything else loving bf to give her patience and respect her needs, and her thoughts toward the subject of sex.

Deep down, different people have different needs in a relationship and there is absolutely nothing wrong with living your life how you want to live it, and if having a great sex life is one of those things you need in a relationship then its no better or no worse then those people who don't want a sex life in their relationship.

I just made a choice, a long time ago, that I would always live my life for the good of everyone else(especially the people that are important to me) and never for myself. I know its a poor attitude to have, and my friends and my family constantly remind me of that all the time because they constantly are trying to pursuade me to break up with her all the time. I gurantee that if I ended this relationship, 9 chances out of 10 my next gf would have a higher sex drive then the woman I'm with now. In my eyes its not worth the sacrifice with the strong emotional connection I have with her.

That is truly a rare and great answer...if only all of society thought this way (well, where i live anyway) most of the time it is either sex or no relationship at all (hence why i am single) -_-"

But, if you're going to go that far out of your way to make her happy, doesn't she owe it back to you as a respectful, understanding, and loving girlfriend to try and figure out what is wrong with herself?

"Thanks for loving me and treating me well and refuting, essentially, one of the core aspects of your manhood just to make me happy. In return I will make no attempts whatsoever to change myself to make you happier."

Am I wrong here?

Any man with a Shining Force II av, especially one that awesome, can never be wrong. Also, in this case, stunningly right. Relationships are give and take.

I mean, if dating an exact clone of you is exactly what you want forever, great, more power to you. Seriously, I hope you never change your mind. Don't delude yourself, if you're accomodating to her chastity she will have no drive to change it. And it is entirely unfair, you adorable little nice guy you, that she is locking you in a metaphorical tower because of her own personal demons.

Even still, with all the ernest that is possible over the internet, I hope you like chastity, and if some day you get sick of it, I hope your soulmate here would be willing to accept either change or cuckoldship. You do not deserve a sexless relationship, and she does not deserve the years of resentment that can build up in such a relationship.

I agree. That explanation sums up all the goings-on pretty nicely.

I am not actually, I just have a really low sex drive and I don't think sex is the top priority.

OH ALRIGHT IN THAT CASE.

Hey don't worry, when she gets into her 30s she'll hit her sexual peak and stay pretty horny. You kids'll be alright.

I have to say, I think you're quite right about this. I'd be in her position, of course, but I don't delude myself that it's anything but unfair on the other person in the relationship, which is one reason I no longer seek relationships.

It's true that relationships are give and take, and just that: they are relationships, as in between two people. Sex is an awesome thing. It has so many sides to it -- it can be purely physical in some cases, and it can be the ultimate expression of love and compassion in others. It's all in how you view it.

I hold sex very highly in my monogamistic relationship. I don't see it as shallow or purely physical; it's an exchange of emotions. And it's really fucking fun, too.

So when you guys go to the movies, do you ever see a movie that he wants to see instead of one that you want to?

Dr. Freud would be damn proud. :tpg:

Right. Assuming they last that long.

Come now, don't discourage him :)

If that's the case, would you object to your boyfriend seeking non-committal sex from a third party? Let us assume that at the time, it is a priority to him.

I have a feeling neither of those two will be doing any more posting in this thread.

I see no reason to be anything but cynical when it comes to a couple that has a large difference in sex drives. At the very least, someone ends up being stilted, horny, and very unhappy--and at the extreme, he ends up cheating.

You be cynical, I will feign optimism, and that guy will keep trying to say the things that he thinks the girl wants to hear, in hopes that his good attitude about not getting any will magically make her horny. Everybody wins.

russ, sometimes I love you.

How can you not love russ all the time?

Sex is an important part of a relationship, not just sex, but physical intimacy in general. Yes, it's only one part of the relationship, but those who think that it's some tertiary, remote, loosely related, nebulous, almost-non-entity are fucking kidding themselves. I would not be in a relationship with someone I could not/would not have sex with.

I realised that so many of my friends take such relaxed attitudes about sex.
It's still very much a private thing, but when it comes down to it, they're not THAT embarrased to talk about it.
Myself on the other hand....besides making immature jokes, I'm still very curious about the whole experience.
I've heard this term used a lot:
"You just haven't had GOOD sex yet".

So true, lol.
I'm FAR from being any good at it...I think I'll trudge through and try and have a decent RELATIONSHIP first before trying to be some kind of sex god, lol.
And I know I'll sound hypocritical here, but there's one thing I cannot stand, and that's one night stands.

Both really, we usually have the same taste in movies, so many of the ones we want to see end up being the same ones, but I won't go to see any horror films with him cuz I am not fond of those, and he won't go to see any musical theater with me for the same reason, (I actually inisted that he would not like the Phantom of the Opera but he came anyway.. turns out I was right)

You really want the honest truth? (knowing that Angel will be reading this) ..... I really would not care as long as there was no love behind it.

Oh we are here now, we just got back from a small trip home, and home does not have a computer :)

Well, there's your green light man! Take advantage of this wondrous of most wondrous situations. At the very least, when she does end up getting jealous, you can call her out for being a lying, stuck-up bitch.

I don't get why, if it's not such a big deal, she doesn't help him get his rocks off now and then. =\

It's not like I'm really into washing the dishes, but I'll lend a hand if she wants me to.

I never really cared about sex, to be honest. It was alright, I guess. (My partners were complete shit) But with my current girlfriend, sex is amazing. The only problem is that we only see each other once a week.

Chances are you didn't really flip the guys switch or you did something wrong/and kept doing something wrong, so he never wanted to have sex with you.

You're creepy. :(

I don't follow.

He's being given permission to sleep around. If he doesn't take advantage, he's a moron.

He's lying if he says he doesn't want to.

Why am I the creepy one?

See? Total recipe for disaster.

You mean you wrote all that and don't know why you're coming off as a huge scumbag?

I have to say, I can't imagine that some theoretical "good sex" would make any difference to my views. As a general guideline, I don't like any activity that ends by making me hot and sticky, and sex tends to have that effect.

Put simply, I can't abide having a trace of grease or other sticky goop on me even for a second. Even the thought of it makes my skin crawl. That's part of my aversion to The Act.

I'm not saying it to be a scumbag. In his situation, even if don't want to fuck someone else, I would be driven to call bullshit on such a completely unrealistic statement. NO, she is not okay with him having relations with others. YES, she is a pretentious bitch for saying so to defend her disinterest in fucking her boyfriend.

If he's as good a guy as he wants us to believe, he doesn't deserve to be led around by someone who is full of shit.

Not that I'm saying I don't believe him, exactly, but when did you ever meet anyone who's as good a guy as he wants us to believe?

My man, good sex makes you not care about being hot and sticky.

It would have to be bloody good! Not liking to be sweaty, sticky, or whatever is close to a phobia for me.

Do it in the shower/hot tub/pool, you shouldn't even notice it there.

You really are making me feel really good about myself you know that? Number one, I was refering that if he came home one night and said 'I just slept with someone else' I am not going to freak and say 'how could you'.

There is a difference in love and lust, and I love Angel like crazy, and I would not blame him for anything like that, but I know that it will never happen because I know what he is like.

My low sex-drive has multiple reasons, but some are far too personal to go into. More sex would be nice, but we both know that it isn't everything, as long as the love is there. Everyone looks at it differently, I am just glad that I have a bf that is really understanding and is willing to work with me in my difficult time, and not some guy who just wants to get layed.

Huh, what? But she just said.

Either you know this chick, or you got burned by something similar. Either way you're obnoxious.

No... it's common sense. Exclusivity is part of the deal, particularly in a long-term relationship. She can say what she wants, if her boyfriend fucks another chick, she's going to be hurt. And if she isn't hurt, then everyone wins! Hurray!

Which is why I made my suggestion.

You know what's common sense?

When people you don't even know tell you that you're acting creepy, and then you stop whatever it was that you were doing.

This is not what you're doing.

My bf used to get sex from girls like 5 times a week, and generally was obsessed with it for a while. Uhh... He was one of the most shallow peeps in the world and hung out on the streets all the time, but when he met me he kinda spent tons of time just speaking to me and spent most of his cash (as I did with mine) on visiting me IRL and shit.

and he kinda refrained from sex for like 8 months before meeting me. partially prolly because he hates cheaters so much that he'd prolly kill them, but also because he felt that a sexless relationship with someone you love is prolly better than no relationship at all. he prolly also didn't care much about it because he got it so much before he got with me, but, its importance isn't ALWAYS big, it varies from person to person, belief to belief and whether you be deprived or not.

its nowhere near a non entity, even for him (he enjoys it with me alot o.o) but it can be ignored for a higher purpose if needed, though, never painlessly. it all depends

Actually, I think you're going to have to spell it out. I'm not seeing what's so creepy either, aside from the obvious makings of an unhealthy relationship.

If that's the sort of relationship that they're happy with, I don't know what badgering them is going to accomplish. If you get really lucky maybe you'll get a girl to feel bad on the internet? That's not difficult.

and if me of all people is saying you might be going a bit far here, perhaps I have a point.

Ok then. Maybe intrusive, but still not creepy. Even so, however, if they didn't want people's opinions, they shouldn't have posted.

Eddie Murphy had a really good stand-up routine he toured with in like '87 concerning this topic.

Women use the "I don't really want it" attitude as a tool to get what they want from their male counterparts. Withholding sex works, with most guys, for whatever reason. I think it's a stupid game, but pretty much all women do it, whether they admit it or not. Yeah, now I can see the backlash already. "OMG DUO YOU CHAUVANIST PIG" "THAT'S SO NOT TRUE, DUMBASS" What? You think all men were born yesterday?

Oh Duo, don't you know - women are always right!

Not that I don't agree with that, but do you really need to demand that the dude cheat on her today? That's the really creepy part.

Double Post:
Okay, so what if the woman wants good sex?

I wasn't aware I had suggested that he do it today... or even with any kind of immediacy. Just that he should.

And the jury's out on whether or not it would be considered "cheating".

Even if the sex is good, they still use it as a tool.

Thanks lurker, you really do seen to know where Angel and I are getting at.... the fact is that he believes that love, respect, and understanding is the most important part of a relationship, he REALLY is that kind of guy! I KNOW that he would never go out for a one night stand even though it is something I would not blame him for, because my situation is really hard to deal with...

besides, we do far more than just wait for my sex drive to boot up, we snuggle on couch to watch DVDs and play PS2, go out together, and spend a lot of time talking and having fun.

So BurningRanger, we are happy with things the way they are, so telling Angel so go out and get some is not going to accomplish anything because he is your opposite as far as the topic is concerned, not all men get a girlfriend just for sex.

Wow, it is interesting to know that they are still relationships that are not basted solely on sex...or maybe i just live in a sex-driven area. I mean, when it comes down to it, if both people are happy with or without sex that is all that really matters in the relationship and the fact that Angel is not the kinda arrogant asshole to just go get laid to make up for his girlfriend not wanting to have intercourse is a sign of respect and love. I guess for some it is kind of unheard of, a sexless relationship *GASP* but yes folks, it is out there...

Sometimes i worry that i will forget that there are actually people like yourself and Angel out there :annoyed:

No, you're not getting me. If a woman withholds sex in order to get what she wants, and she wants good sex, what does she do?

Double Post:
If you're incapable of understanding how you come across, maybe you should stop communicating entirely.

I wonder how 'stuck-up' even factors into anything. Words mean things, people!

That's not my point. No, not all men get a girlfriend just for sex. However, and this is a fact, there is not a single situation in which would be asked of someone he already enjoys the company of, "Would you like this person better if you could have sex with her?" and he would say no.

It's like asking, "If you had the same exact boyfriend, only slightly more attractive, would you like him more?" YES I KNOW your knee jerk reaction is going to make you say "Looks don't matter to me." And it's true, to the majority of people who aren't asshats, looks aren't important. But that doesn't change the fact that even the most non-asshattic person in the world would still like the person they're with 1% more if they were 1% more attractive.

Same situation with sex. No matter how much he says he's willing to wait for you, and sex isn't important to him, etc etc etc, he's not going to push you off of him if you jump on top of him screaming dirty phrases. He's going to be very happy.

NOTE: I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO GO AND DO THAT IMMEDIATELY. I speak hypothetically, nothing more.

Now, upon you saying that you would be okay with him getting his fix from other women, which is a foul and egregious lie, I can no longer stay quiet about this. Whatever the veracity, saying what you said means you're making a few terrible assumptions.

If it's true,

A) You assume that your loving, sophisticated boyfriend, who is willing to wait for you, would ever want to have sex with someone without emotional attachment. (As you said, the condition of your acceptance was that it there be "no love.")

B) You also assume that sex is a purely physical pleasure. Which as others in this thread have agreed, it is not.

C) You assume, probably, that it would be a one time thing. If it became a consistent thing then you most certainly would not stand for it. Who knows, after the years of celibacy, maybe he'd become addicted to it and run off with the girl. Chances are equally good he wouldn't, but he might.

If it's not true, and this really grinds my gears,

D) You assume that you have such a monopoly over him that he would never, ever take you up on the offer, giving you the freedom to say things like that to curry favor and look like the understanding, mellow girlfriend, without the fear of a bullshit call. Which is an insult. To him and to mankind.

In fact, your last post pretty much described D to the tee.

By the way:

I believe you were the one who encouraged him to do so first.

Double Post:
At no point during the post you quoted did I specify a timeframe. Only that he should.

It is arrogant of her to say she condones adultery (in essence, I understand that they are not married) purely on the grounds that she knows he won't do it.

You are oddly preoccupied with their sex life.

Indeed.

As long as you're both happy, I don't see what the problem is. If you're with a guy who will put up with that, he must have at least a somewhat low sex drive, so it sounds like a good match.

However, he did say several times in this thread that he wishes things were different. The bottom line is, sometimes we have to sacrifice our wants and desires for the sake of pleasing the one we love. It seems to me that Angel is doing all the sacrificing here. Would it kill you to throw him a bone every once in a while? Or at least get some professional help about your problem?

The argument being that you don't think it's right that she HURGHBLURGHBLOO

Do you have any peer-reviewed sources to back up your argument?

Double Post:
You show her who's the man in this relationship you fucking e-creep.

My god, what's the world coming to when I can actually agree with alice on something. :(

It can only mean one thing: You are becoming awesome.

Probably finds it elsewhere.

I don't see what your point is. I said, "Women will withhold intimacy in a relationship to get what they want." Then, you basically say, "Yes we do, we like good sex, too." I think pretty much everyone likes good sex. What's your point?

You want a joke to have a point?

OKay, you're dumb and you need to pluck your nosehair.

QFT.

I'm glad someone finally said it in a condensed manner.

And regardless of the reasons for your low sex drive, what you're doing to Angel (even though he says he's happy with the extremely small amount of sex he gets) is just not right, Chibi Neko. I know you guys have a good time together and all of that, but seriously, take Alice's advice and get some help or at least make some sacrifices yourself.

Please, please tell me I'm not the only one who laughed at the word choice.

Please.

Also, I don't think Rangerboy is being creepy. He's encouraging Angel to test Neko's words, which isn't a smart plan on Angel's part, but will definitely prove Ranger's point when she freaks out and hates him for it.

And anyone who has any variation of "cat" in their handle should be required to put out anyway, simply for the association with the word "pussy."

you know, I don't get it. Someone writes a missive and refers to it as "the argument" which he's basically having with himself, and calls a broad with admitted personal problems a "stuck up bitch" a couple of times, and I'm the only one seeing that as creepy?

Doesn't he strike anyone else as entirely too involved in these folks' relationship? I mean hell, I don't think anyone else's posts are creepy sounding.

He's just been writing all of those posts since you keep on responding to him.



I think you're alone on this one lurker. :(

Totally banned from my LJ now.