Passive/Aggressive
 

When someone upsets you, do you usually let them know? Or are you the kind of person who just shrinks away from the aggressor and try to alter your ways to suit the needs of the person?

Essentially, how do you react to someone being critical of you? Do you flip out on them, do you listen to what they have to say and then possibly argue it? Do you back down and stew over it quietly?

How do you deal with aggressive people?

Aggressive people, umm, well, I just knock them around because chances for a self-defense situation are much higher that way.

Its a case by case basis. At work, I do have to have some sort of diplomacy given the nature of my job. However, when I was at the liquor store, I'd tell people to get the fuck out of my store or eat ass and die if they were real assholes.

Aggressive Example: There was this really old Italian woman who was looking at sambuca and wanted to ask a question. I had to be about 20 feet away and she starts yelling "Boy! Excuse me, Boy?" and I ignored her until she kept yelling it louder, and I turned and said "How may I help you, you loud-assed old cunt?" loud enough for the entire store to hear. She turned and left immedeately and I hear my friend Brian dying in a fit of laughter across the store in the California wine aisle.

Passive Example: Theres also this woman who use to work at the store named "Cathy". She's the definition of white trash, fugly and annoying. Shes got this overly smooth face like a burn victim, she has Fran Drescher's laugh and shes from some poor-ass southern town, so she has this weird, half-southern-lisp. Not accent, lisp. AND I HATE HER GOD HOW I HATE HER. My hate is a pointed topic at the store because shed try to be nice and I'd ask her why she looked like someone threw a hot iron at her face.

Anyway, she comes in one day and says "Hi" to me - thinking she can kill me with kindness. So I ignore her to her face - she tries to talk to me and I don't respond and just look past her. It continues to the point where I'm walking around the store, putting boxes away and pulling stock and shes right behind me screaming HELLO, WHY WONT YOU TALK TO ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HELLO. (Again, Brian was witness and he was rolling on the floor. We are terrible, brutal people at the store) That was a year ago and I dont think Ive spoken to her ever since that incident.

I'm unsure how you're determining how to deal with each person, here. They both seem almost equally as rude, I guess. Screaming out "BOY. EXCUSE ME, BOY" and "WHY ARENT YOU TALKING TO ME HELLO" seem both pretty rude.

So, I mean, how do you determine what to do in each case?

You know, for all my tough talk, I've only really SNAPPED on customers once or twice in my lifetime. Diplomacy is hard for me, so I just try to keep the anger in.

Once when I worked at the hotel, I had a guy literally throw a phone at me. Thats about where I drew the line and decided that assault meant I could say anything I liked. So I did. But I've rarely snapped on people. If anything, I stare them down. I know if I open my mouth, it will probably never shut.

O. On a related note, I was at the gas station the other day (where I often am) and a carload full of assholes kids pulled up right next to my truck. They got mad at ME because they suck at parking. They thought they were all tough, trash-talking the fattie in her truck.

Until I got out and opened my mouth. Which didn't close for a good 15 minutes AFTER the face-off.

Damn, Lehah. Were you personal friends with the store owner? I can't think of anywhere that wouldn't get you fired. Which is too bad, wage slaves really should be allowed to do that to asshole customers.

Myself, I gauge whether it's even worth raising a stink in the first place. If it IS, I'm direct about it. Passive-aggressive behavior is completely ineffective, and it's little more than a symptom of lack of courage. Passive-aggressive types just lack the spine to directly stand up for themselves, so they imply and sigh and hint but never actually do anything when you call their bluff.

I picked up some really bad habits from my mom, who is so spineless she's afraid to even use the telephone. I let an old roommate of mine walk all over me for a semester, and I vowed never again. You cannot live as a doormat all your life, which what passive-aggressive behavior is all about. You might defiantly say "Go Away" in large print, but people are still wiping their feet on you.

I was going to mention this, but I figured if someone gives LeHah a job, they must know what he's like. And want a guy like him on their team. ^_^

O, you know, I am a HUGE fan of direct, but I think passive-aggressive technique can be an asset sometimes. I notice that when dealing with women, you almost NEED to act passive aggressive if you want to get your point across. It's like they just DONT HEAR YOU unless you're acting like a chick or being passive-aggressive.

And I guess being direct isn't very chick-like? I've rarely encountered women who are brutally direct, but I always admire one when I come across her.

I DO think its the pansy-ass way of dealing with things. And when people send the passive-aggressive ball into my side of the court, I whack it back.

I find these situations extremely difficult. When you're stuck with a person or group of people for a long period of time (well, a semester anyways) and you really SHOULD keep peace because it would be intensely horrible to live with these people for a while with the tension it could cause.

But when someone is obviously fucking you over, it becomes more and more difficult to actually deal with things in a civil, diplomatic way.

Well, its not like its a daily event. You have to be nice to some of the regulars. But when you catch little Mr Market pissing behind the dumpster, you lob snowballs at him until he goes away.

Depends entirely on the situation.

I don't mind a good critic now and again, so that doesn't bother me any. Always great to hear someone's impressions.

When it comes to people who aggressively just trying to annoy me, then it depends on the context. If it's something impersonal like a debate (or even a discussion thread I guess) then I don't think anything of it. If it's someone that really just wants to provoke me then I'll either remove myself from the situation, or get nasty about it.

I love a good discussion, but I absolutely do not go in for that whole getting mad and just arguing shit back and forth. Anything I have to say in a heated argument is my final word on the matter, I don't believe in yacking on and on and just getting worked up. I'll admit that when I was younger I used to get involved physically a lot of the time if someone really wanted to 'start shit'. I mean, I gave them the option to leave it be right? ;)

The passive aggressive thing is something that I haven't done. I don't stew about things or keep contact with people that I would feel strongly enough against to hold a grudge.

Mostly passive. Very passive. I get aggressive when I get pissed the fuck off, but that takes a lot, and once I've reached the point, you're gonna get it - physically or verbally and swiflty. But I always feel bad about standing up to myself (as I said in a journal entry). I know it's irrational to feel that way, but even still, knowing this doesnt help me feel better about it.

I used to be exceptionally passive in High School and the first few semesters of college. I just never really saw a point in reacting to people's insults. You want to yell and swear at me? Go right ahead, it's not my time that's being wasted.

Nowadays I just stick with being brutally honest to people if they annoy me enough. If they're going to act like a whiny prick in public, I'll point it out to them.

I'm never openly aggressive to anyone. If I dislike somebody, I mostly just ignore them and reap enjoyment out of watching the stupid things they do. I enjoy being mean but it's often not worth the repercussions. I try not to allow people to make me angry. If someone is mean to me enough and crosses the line, I just completely disregard them until they go away and never talk to me again. I like my system because it is fun and non-stressful.

Unfortunately my anger threshold seems to be so high that I often get used and walked on just because I don't know or care that it's happening. I'm really somebody who wants to be a butterfly-hugging peace faggot, but I've got a mean streak. Oops.

Heh I feel like this is my thread. I'm the type of person that will let you know if you're pissing me off when you are. I've no motive to lie to someone and let them carry on and let them build up some deep redemption inside me. There's absolutely no need for it, and if you let it linger there inside you...you're going to build up the anger and suddenly (somehow) lead yourself into a stage of depression.

When I get into the point of the conversation where I get angry, I simply say "Okay, this is pissing me off and if we're going to continue with this conversation I'm through talking to you."

I was a passive person through-out high school though, but once I started growing up I realized that it's not something you should be doing to yourself: Stand-up for yourself and let them know. As corny as it may sound it's true.

Too passive for me. I really suck at not taking complaints personally even though I can understand how tired some people are or that they're more angry with the system than at me.

The worst case was when I was working at the bank and some guy was really going out of his way to appear frustrated that I was the only teller at the time and he was on the borderline of whipping his cheques at me and breaking from the forced "politeness" to a full out yell. I took it like a sponge and then it was stuck in my head for the whole week/month afterwards. There's no way I'm going to tell a customer "fuck you!" because I always think that every employer forces you to believe that the customer is always right, and so if I did that, I would get into SO much shit and be fired.

Usually, I'm extremely passive and careless. But just today, as I was walking to my bus stop as usual to stop at the place on the sidewalk, one of three white chicks come up from right behind me, trying to continue walking in their side-by-side formation, bump into me. She's talking on her cell phone, holding her girly handbag with the other hand, all the while carrying a conversation with her two other friends until she runs into my backpack, abruptly giving me a look of disgust and irritation. Following her piss-off look for blocking her path indirectly, she moans, "EXCUSE ME" in a whiny, annoying voice like I should be lying down red carpet before her footsteps. Usually, I would go about and say nothing, but I actually said something this time. Maybe I'm changing. Side-effect of senioritis, perhaps?

edit. wow, this sounded like a Journal Entry.

I'm passive, I dislike conflict but if I have to be aggressive I will. It all depends on the situation.

I used to be the person that let people walk all over me. However, I had (and still sort of have) one fatal flaw in my character, when you do me wrong, I gotta get you back. I'm trying to erase this habit, but it's almost an instinct now. Back then, I wouldn't really say anything if someone did something to me. However, I'd strike back when things were quiet and the incident was forgotten. Apparently, I must have had some sort of look as well because my family could tell when I planning on revenge.

Now, I open my mouth a lot more often, now, but it seems like the same mean streak is still there, I guess. I'm trying to find a balance somewhere in the mix, I guess.

I think age has a lot to do with it. As a teenager, I didn't defend myself, even against my peers. But the older I get, the less willing I am to take shit from people. I try to be fair, let go of things that don't matter and stand up for myself when things do.

But one problem I have is not being able to discern what is worth raging about and what to let go. Sometimes I think a situation isn't a bit deal, but I leave and think about it and realize I should have said something.

Perhaps with more age, my judgement will get better, as well as my bitchy attitude.

I have the opposite of that problem you have. I have the tendency not to rage against too much of nothing, but I'm willing to put actions to my anger.

I use games to channel my anger but I do let people know if something annoys me and etc or that they screwed up but like I said situation depends on me. In highschool, I didn't let people walk on me but I did let bullies not bother me but if they swung at me, I sure let them have it. Especially when you got some 5 foot asshole whose skinny like a pole trying to take you down when your 6'5" and 320 pounds.

I am passive when it comes to fighting, which is really messed up because half of the messages I received from fellow martial artists and my father was to fight when necessary. However, since my high school and college have this "zero tolerance policy" where even if you were trying to defend yourself you get expelled no questions asked, I have been confused for a long time in how to handle people and that frustration leaks out in strange ways.

However, I do get aggressive with people who annoy me, but not in a physical sort of way. The person I'm staying with is a great example since I am forced to live with her until mid-May. She doesn't have a life and thinks that she has to act arrogant and prove people wrong in order to like herself. So, I do little things that annoy her such as turn down the AC and leave the light on when she's trying to sleep. It's not a lot, but she does become annoyed by it and I have less of a chance for getting suspended.

After all, when talking to people doesn't work, you need to take action right?

I tell them to take their half-baked, self-important criticism and respectfully shove it up their narrow ass.

Of course, it depends on the situation at hand. If someone is criticizing me on how I use a salad fork, chances are I'm not going to give a shit. Criticize me on how I maintain my personal life and I might or might not listen depending on your tone of voice with me.

Aggressive people can tend to be egotistical people, so it's not like anyone owes them any favors for blustering and spouting a bunch of trite masturbatory nonsense.

It usually depends on the situation and the people involved.

At work, I often encountered troublesome customers. I would never argue with them unless they were being unreasonable, and my "arguments" were always calm. Speaking with professors at school is also similar.

If I feel that something doesn't require my energy because I know the person is difficult to communicate with anyway, I simply move on.

At school- I tend to be more passive then agressive. It takes a lot to get me fired up.

Outside of school-I'll let you know. I'm not so nice. I just don't care...wait... I usually don't care. If you look like someone who could harm me-
your hair is all messed up, you have a nasty smelling jacket, you're dirty.-

then I will most likely not open my mouth.

Yes. I am a coward.

I'm really the kind that sinks in everything, and it's wrong sometimes, since I have the tendecy of taking it out in another situation or when a lot of time has passed. However, it helps to know that not everyone has the job of making your life as hell, so I've found out of reasons why people get all agressive on me, and yes, as it turns out, they end up being my friends, or at least ending in peaceful negotiations. ^^

I should try to be more agressive when needed, it helps to defend yourself once in a while and give in to what you feel, so problems can be evaded in the future. However, I enjoy being my peaceful self.

I pretty much just ignore them. What is really amazing is that I tend to be kind of aggressive myself, and once I started noticing the patterns in my own behaviour (when I'm in an agressive mood) that really helped me cope with other agressive people, and just ignore it better. I don't know why, you would think they would be unrelated (or at least not helpful at all) but it worked. So if you start paying attention to yourself and how you act, IDK, maybe that would help you deal with agressive people when needed.

Me? I just tend to let people know what I feel. If they are really my friends, they will just laugh it off, or just take at as being honest truth and appreciate that, same as I would do with them. If they aren't, then I'll just piss them off and I won't really have lost anything.

Yeah, that happened, I got a nice 500 dollar ticket with a twenty day school suspension. Good thing my parents and I fought it. They weren't pissed at me for gettinga ticket for defending myself. They were pissed at the school cause why should a kid be afraid to defend themselves especially if they are well poor enough that a 500 dollar ticket would fuck up the budget and etc.

My parents told me to always defend myself no matter what in a physical situation, they would take care of any problem afterwards.

My dad says the same thing. My mom doesn't think that fighting is the answer though, but I'm daddy's little girl/butt-kicker (the first thing he tells people about me is not about my good grades or my other achievements, it's all about the karate). I think it's wrong to charge someone for defending themselves. After all, if they don't learn to defend themselves in fights, then we are taught to be subservient to anyone and everyone that oppresses us. At least, that's how I feel about it and the mix messages frustrate me.

It's great to hear that your parents helped you fight it. I come from a similar background where even $300 would mess up my budget. No fines here, just expultion and being taken to court for criminal charges. I'm all for peace and love, but not everyone is into that, so what do they expect us to do about it?

I'm rather complacent and passive, but when people somehow manage to get on my nerves, I can be the most aggressive person in the room. This, however, doesn't happen very often. :)

I tend to take criticism in a constructive manner, but I will not criticism from lazy losers who really shouldn't even be criticizing me in the first place.

Anyways, there's this guy in one of my classes who keeps criticizing me. "No, you're doing it wrong." Sadly, he's part of my group for our semester project. Normally, I would have taken all his comments in a constructive manner, had he been a better teammate. However, all he does is look for stupid jokes on the internet, and he won't even answer a single question I have regarding the project. After a week or two, I couldn't stand it anymore, and I just stood there and yelled at him. :p

I try to get away from them, as I don't really like picking fights.

I usually get aggressive... but in a passive yet fiesty way. I'll come up with something ridiculous because revenge is awesome. Oh, they'll know I was upset, and may think I may do nothing about it for a while.... but when they least expect it...


*BOOM* HEADSHOT. figuratively most of the time

Depends on the mood I'm in.

It takes a lot to actually wind me up but I often act pissed off for a laugh. I enjoy mocking people and aggressive, angry people are easy to mock.

It's a miracle I don't get in more fights really, I can be quite objectionable at times, particularly after a few tequilas.

I tend to search internet forums endlessly looking for faux-introspective polls and discussion threads looking for an excuse to hear myself pronounce the words "I think" and "I feel" in life without being shot down within seconds.

It's just you and Quizzilla that let me use first person singular pronouns, thankyou Quiet Place <3

I am one of those people that would like to be aggressive when necessary, but get repressed by the threat of being fired from work for the slightest outburst of anger or opposition to bosses or customers. I also have this odd tendency to be hesitant about stating my own viewpoint in defense of a course of action I had taken for fear I would be proven wrong. Since my job requires a good deal of technical knowledge (dealing with hardware and software issues in a corporate network), I am in constant fear I will be discredited for going gung-ho into an argument dead-sure I know what I’m talking about when I in fact have key facts wrong (and they replay with “I don’t think you know what you are talking about.”) I try to never release my frustration in those cases, but I’m sure as hell everyone can see it on my face (which always seems to turn beet red.) Usually though I know exactly what I am talking about, it’s just the fear of that response is so oppressive to me, I rarely get too bold in my arguments or assessments and the person I am working with on a problem ends up saying exactly what I had been thinking.

Outside of work, however I do defend myself quite vigorously if I feel the argument is worth pursuing. Usually though, I just ignore the situation as most people who bug me aren't worth the effort.

I've never actually been in an aggressive situation where I had to defend myself.

If someone is being critical of me I assume I'm being attacked and start acting defensive about it. What sucks is that I can't think on my feet when I'm angry like that so I usually just stay quiet and bitch about it later. Usually after that happens, I'll think about the perfect thing to say. But by then it's too late.

But yea, I'm passive.

I'm usually passive, but same as everybody I'm aggresive when I'm fed up.

But these days I prefer to be assertive. Tell them what ticked me off or what I liked.

russell crow? =o


as for me... I don't really think I lean to either side. I'm definitely not aggressive, but I'm assertive when need be so I don't let people walk all over me either. I'm passive in the sense that things just don't stress me out very much and I don't get angry easily, so I guess I just sort of pick my battles rather then allow things to get under my skin.

I've never really been one to get into many conflicts in the first place, mostly due to my age and the fact that I was generally more mature than a lot of my peers, so I'm not really the type to care if you've got some petty problem with me. there's no point in making a huge deal about it, especially if there are other people around. if you don't like someone, simply don't make it a point to hang around with them. it's amazing how many people just don't understand this concept.

there are certain situations that would warrent me giving someone a piece of my mind, but I really haven't encountered anyone that was directly that rude to me or was incredibly rude to someone else who didn't deserve it. I wouldn't hesitate to give them a backhanded remark or battle it out with them should they cross that line, but alas the situation hasn't risen yet.

I'm passive in practically all professional situations and believe in talking things through calmly where misunderstandings and such are concerned. In other circumstances, I can be confrontational where the person I'm corresponding with is clueless to subtlety or something serious is wrong. I'm a firm advocate of directness, and, while the oversensitive won't like that, I obviously adapt my behaviour for them and only potentially undermine them if it seems really necessary. Overall, though, directness just saves time and refreshingly cuts through bullshit. Despite my passive exterior, if you show no respect to me or offend me, I can be formidable.

Of course, there are situations where confrontation is unfavourable yet there needs to be some sort of 'relief' from a situation. If faced with an intellectually superior or physically threatening 'foe', which isn't too often, I have a tendency to be passive-aggressive in these situations. I can be vindictive, subtly offensive, resentful, stubborn, and awkward, though rarely to the point of not 'letting' go or being especially cruel. Grudge bearers piss me off and, if someone bears an unnecessary grudge against them, I may just humour them.

Also, if I'm seriously physically attacked, which is a rarity these days though has happened in scumville where I live at the moment, I have a tendency to physically defend myself and usually succeed. Given 'passive resistance' totally mucked me up once, tackling an attacker head-on without losing my temper represents both an important psychological reaction and stops anything more sinister consequences to me. Of course, there is always a chance that things go too far, so 'escape' or 'police' are my first priorities.

Eseentially, though, I've experienced far too many emotionally turbulent family situations and a significant amount of bullying in my early adolescence to tolerate being used as a doormat, human punchbag, or agony aunt of stupid ranters. I now mostly 'fight' back against major threats if it doesn't mean I'll be more undermined in the first place. Indeed, I've found sufficient confidence and maturity to stick up for myself and, while that may give me one or two enemies, it beats the alternative.

It depends on who it is! If it's my husband I will usually talk or argue with him about it! If it's a friend or some other family member, I am most likely going to back down and not say anything at all. But then I will stew over it, and hate them, and cry to my husband, until I see them next, and if they act as if it never happened, I let it go.

I'm fairly upfront about things, at least when it's something I care about. Depends if the argument is trivial or not. Even when I do argue something, I typically remain completely calm since a debate is best had when both people aren't exploding. If I see the other person is getting super worked up I usually drop the argument, saying "You're getting too worked up over this, so lets agree to disagree and leave it at that" and refuse to debate it again until they calm down. Angry debate is the least successful of all forms of debate.

I'm a pretty assertive person. I don't ever pick fights and I don't consider myself to be aggressive, but if something's bothering me, someone's going to know about it in no uncertain terms. I view physical aggression as some of the most unladylike, unclassy behavior a woman can display, so I would avoid a physical confrontation if at all possible, but I have no problem whatsoever speaking my mind about things.

I really can't stand passive-aggressive behavior, to be honest.

I'm an extremely adaptive person. I've always naturally kept my social life and general human interaction as spartan and uncluttered as possible. Reaction is mess.

If I'm pushed I try to push back right away now. Otherwise, it just festers and that isn't healthy. Pushy rude people will be pushy and rude to get what they want until that tactic doesn't work for them anymore.

I try to put myself in situations where I can be prepared vs. having to just react. A lot of times I will have someone leave me a message so that I can hear the issue and have time to think about it first. If you want an instant answer go ask Jeeves; I'm a human being...

Well it usually depends on the person for me, if a stranger is being awfully agressive then i tend to just take it because I don't know how they are going to react if I argue back.

If I know the person well enough to know their reaction though then I will argue back. Kairyu knows this.

But the situation i like the most is when two people are trading ideas in an aggressive manner and I just end up listening, its really quite funny, oh and i can learn from their mistakes of how to handle my arguments.

I begin more or less the cowards way of Idle Banter about that person behind their back, or I will begin to comment to them cleverly in the hallways about whatever has suddenly driven my to the state of being pissed, or just having a beef with someone.

Fights are a no no. Aggression leads to anger, anger leads to the darkside. Bad.

In my mind, I'm aggressive. I'm angry, I think of witty insults, I vow to not let them do it again...

But when it comes down to it, I tend to stuff my anger inside and just let it fester.

It depends on setting. At work, I try to keep as much professionalism about me as I can. Shame, too, since there are a lot of people at my library job that I'd love to give what-for, both inside my department and elsewhere in the office. However, in the interest of advancing my career, I can't. My skills, experience, and education make me the best candidate for the position I'm waiting on (open up, damn you), but I could still say the wrong thing to the wrong upper-management suit and get screwed.

Outside of work, though, it really all depends on my mood. If I'm already pissed and/or having a shitty day, Wrath of God is imminent. Otherwise, I'm likely to let things slide and maybe get some revenge later on when I've had a chance to come up with a good plan.

If they upset me, the best way to win the arguement is to listen to what they have to say, listen carefully and perfectly then I usually am able to turn the table around and back barking on them in the smartest and coolest way possible. Dealing with this type of people eat your nerves, so I really keep my calm - I don't want to do anything I'll regret later.

That's how I deal with NASTY aggressive people.

This topic is alot in relation to LadyMiyomi's grunt attempt thread about different types of people. I.e. leader or follower. Of course, she had a greater variety of personality types, but to me, there's really only 2 categories.

As for dealing with people, I'm sometimes aggressive and sometimes passive. Mostly passive. I'm one who isn't willing to back down without a fight when I know I'm right. Of course, other individual's opinions may differ from what I call "right/correct" But when you know the facts, and you know you've got those facts right/straight, there's no doubting myself of an potential for error as someone else may indicate.

However, most of the time I'm in agreement with other opinions. Which has led me to be passive most of the time. There's nothing to argue about, they say it's right and I know myself that it's right.