Abusive Relationships
 

How do you define an abusive relationship? Do you put physical abuse higher on the scale than mental abuse?

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? What advice would you give to others?

Or maybe you hate the very notion and think 'dem bitches DESERVE what they get.

Let's tawk.

Sometimes I think people stay in abusive relationships because they just have to have a boyfriend/girlfriend to function.

I know there's other reasons too but it's just what I think of whenever I hear relationship abuse.

I agree that some people can't stand being alone, and I understand that (though I think its retarded to need someone in your life to function.)

But at which point do you give up and decide "Okay. This ISN'T WORTH IT." What if you have kids, for fucks sakes. ;_;

The mental abuse is twice as painful as the physical abuse. The pain from a blow subsides. A blow dealt by a sharp tongue scars the mind for a long time.

Yes Sassafrass, exactly. When I was about 7 or 8, my Mother got hit by my Dad in Anger. He slept out in the car for about a week and then they got a divorce soon afterwards. There were 5 and one big house which all because the responsibility of my one working mother. She found a way to take care of all of us without him. That's what I call a strong person.

At the time, I told my mother, "was it that big of a deal? It was only once." but she said "if they do it once, they're just going to do it again".

I really admire my mother's strength. She won't put up with crap just to have someone there in her bed. That includes free-loading, lies, and just all around garbage.

I disagree. It's a lot harder to hurt someone with words than it is with physical violence. Besides, the fear factor is MUCH more present with the physical abuse. Mental abuse isn't too terrifying, and you can pretty much control what you listen to.

Physical abuse, you can literally fear for your life. Mental abuse is just a bunch of bullshit if you ask me. Calling people BAD NAMES. I mean, come on. Get over it. Consider the SOURCE, here.

Mental/emotional abuse is a lot more than calling names.

Sometimes, it can all be part of laying blame; or, in some cases, refusing to recognize where another person's priorities lie.

Physical and mental abuse hurt in different ways. Yes if they are beating you, you will fear for your life and it's probably safer for you to get out. I don't think I'd prefer one over the other, I wouldn't even put myself in that kind of situation.

People stay in these relationships, not really because they want a boyfriend, but because they have low self esteem. They don't feel like they can find someone better, or they make excuses up for the abuser and then tell themselves it's probably their own fault for making them angry. This is bullshit, but that's how people with low self esteem see situations. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, and some need help getting out. My coworker's been in an abusive marriage for several months but I'm so proud of her for getting the courage to move out. Now the guy's hospitalized so he can't hurt himself or anyone else. But if she didn't leave, he would have kept on drinking and kept on abusing her.

I agree some girls that i know of think their to ugly to get someone better. but if you would see them and see the guy you can obiuosly tell she can do better.

Also i have a quetion i have a friend of mines which is in a relationship with this girl who likes to play "rough".e.x she kicks him in the shins pulls his hair punches him in the arm and bites him and not the good way. Well anyways i could tell he get's mad sometimes but i can't understand why he stays? so my question is is play fighting abuse??

I personally think it's childlish and stupid i told him to that i would'nt stand going out with her for an hour.

This really depends on the self-esteem of the person the words are about/directed at. Since you're not very self-consious, it may be difficult for you to understand this.
Your forgetfulness/ignorance floors me at times. You aren't everyone, Sass.
Trust me, there are many more ways to insult people than simple name calling. Along with what wvlfpvp mentioned, it can range from anything from character attacks to lack of interest.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

Mental abuse is really only effective if the person the comments are about has a shitty self-esteem. Being that they already feel bad about themself, it's pretty obvious that they stay in the relationship because of this. (Basically, they feel like they're not gonna find anyone else, and some is better than none.)

On the flip side, the abusive person usually thinks the same way. They know that most people won't stick around for that shit, so they feel it's better to stay with the person that does allow it than to risk being alone because no one else with put up with it.

There is a degree of mental abuse in physically abusive relationships, too. Fear isn't a positive thing, and living with someone you fear can't be too encouraging, either.

(Suck it, soapy.)

Yea, but so what? Any person with a brain can derive their own conclusions, right? And any intelligent person coul dbe able to determine "okay. this isn't the kind of person I want to be with."

I'll never get the emphasis on mental abuse. You LITERALLY can not be mentally abused if you just DON'T LISTEN to bullshit.

lol

You seem to be using yourself as the standard by which you measure everyone else. You're not wrong, but not everyone is like you.

sometimes that's what i think is wrong with the world when people are to stupid to leave a mental abuse. I understand physical more than mental some people are afraid to get hurt. while in mental how are you going to get hurt with words

Yea dude. Totally. People should try to be more like me. The more, the better. ^_^

But seriously. Don't you think that listening to a bunch of angry bullshit out of your loved one's mouth is CRAP? Yea, okay, so it hurts if someone says something REALLY MEAN to you. About O GOD ITS ALL YOUR FAULT our kid is OBESE.

But seriously, people. Use some fucking logic and the mental abuse card will die out on it's own.

Yeah, Sass, I think you're very good at shrugging off verbal abuse. Others are not as resilent. The really bad ones crumble immediately.

Well, we all have our weaknesses in our character.

I think people just need to find ways to build up their self-esteem somehow.

On a side note: I always found it amusing that those who always dish out a lot of verbal abuse crumble when someone actually says something about them.

Thanks for repeating what I just said, lol ;)

It's really easy for people with high self esteem think that people who have none need to just suck it up. That's what you'd like to tell them, but people who aren't sure of themselves find this very difficult to do and it's frustrating for everyone to just watch. I hate people who put themselves down as though they can't do better. Then again, overconfidence is kind of irritating too.

Everyone, let's be smart and 'Bring it off' because an argument starts.

Anyways, I know a girl who actually fights with her boyfriend to express their anger. They both hit each other (she had some nasty marks on her) and beat the anger out of each other. She was actually fine with it too. I guess they both didn't care about getting their anger out with physical violence.

In this particular aspect, I think being more like you would be a good thing.

Of course. Unfortunately, some people follow their emotions instead of logic.
Anyone who attacks (physically or mentally) an innocent bystander should get some treatment for it. I don't care what they say, that isn't healthy.

when you love someone, their opinion means a lot to you. if you're not totally self aware and don't have the highest confidence in the world, getting shot down repeatedly will take its toll eventually.

honestly, how many of you have had something mean or hurtful said to you by someone you care about and it DIDN'T bother you in some way? imagine that happening all the time. sure it sounds easy to walk away from, but if you've somehow gotten yourself into a situation where you're constantly getting backhanded remarks, your self-esteem is going to waver and at some point you may even begin to accept the things that are being said.

that's why people stay in relationships like that. they believe what is being said and their "love" for this person clouds any capacity for logic they may have.

it's always easier to look in from the outside and say why the hell are you still with this person, but you're not the one with the emotional attachment to them. you see this all the time, like with the girl who is in a dead end relationship but refuses to break up her boyfriend because "oh but sometimes things are just fine!" and she'll make excuses to stay hoping that the "fine" days will come back despite being unhappy. it always sounds really stupid and why-are-you-doing-this-to-yourself, but in their mind it makes sense.

that's how it works with abusive relationships too, I would assume. they didn't start out abusive, it just became that way over time and the victims stay because sometimes things are just fine. mental and physical abuse go hand in hand, physical abuse just pertains to the beating, but instilling the fear in someone is mental abuse.

Well when you put it like that i guess it seems more understandable. I personally had a girl i used to go out with where as soon as she started pulling on my hair and she thought it was funny i talked to her and told her if she did something like that again i would leave her. I guess the problem is people don't take on the problems as soon as they arise, therefore making it worse.

Mental and emotional abuse is sometimes a lot more insidious than that. I've been in a relationships which I'd have to describe as mutually abusive. It was all emotional abuse, nothing physical. I'd never stoop to that level, and neither would she. The thing about it is that for quite a while there, the two of us were very much in love, but neither of us were in any way ready for a serious relationship.

I know I never intended to hurt her feelings, and I'm pretty sure she never intended to hurt mine, but we were just so intensely bad for each other. I mean, I was poison to her, and she was poison to me. We were together for about a year. The first six months or so were some of the best times in my life. The last six months were pure, unmitigated hell.

We must have discussed breaking up about 3 times a month, but whenever it was me who inititiated that talk, she'd always insist that we could make it work, and if she intitiated it, then the roles would be reversed. Finally, There came this one night when things were coming to a head, and she was really pushing my buttons. Eventually, I snapped and said that it really wasn't going to work out. I told her I was sick of the games that both of us were playing, and she went through the usual routine of imploring me to reconsider. This time, I wouldn't be moved. It was just too late.

The next day, I was horrified, and begged and pleaded with her to take me back. She told me that she'd realised that I was right. It wasn't a healthy relationship. We tried to give things another try, a couple of months later, but it was just too easy to fall back into the same old patterns.

We both had major emotional problems, and rather than deal with them, we would each use them as a knife to stab at the other. In my case, I can only say that it's because I never really believed she loved me. If I had to guess, I'd say that the same was true in her case. It was fucked up.

I don't guess that you'll really understand why we put up with it for so long, Sass, but its complicated. I'm through that phase in my life now. I've decided not to seek another relationship, because I just can't face the prospect of being in another one like that. It's just easier to be on my own.

Bystander? It's not like that. They just hit each other and are both fine with that. They most likely do it at their homes so no bystanders are present.

She says they do that whenever they are frustrated with each other. (You can imagine my look when she told me this)

I'm pretty sure there's more relationships like this now though. People have a harder time talking things out. Yes, you do get mad enough to want to hit someone sometimes but that doesn't mean you should act on it. Some of the people who act on that anger are the ones who regret doing it afterwards. I'm more worried about the people who actually don't feel remorse after doing that though.

I know that certain people have certain ways of working out their anger, but that seems a little extreme. Do they at least wear protective gear so they won't accidentally knock the other out and beat them to death?

There are alternatives to those who need to physically release their tension such as sports and exercise (similar effects without as much pain, especially sparring). They could even put a picture of their significant other's face on a blow-up doll or punching bag if they really need visual stimulation.

No, no protective gear. Sometimes I see her and she has bruises on her from their 'session'. Whenever I mention something about it, she just says something like "I got him back just as hard".

As nice as that seems, people generally don't think productively (This is Dr. Phil type stuff). I guess they just want real hand to hand contact.

I'm not going to attempt to argue about the whole "mental and emotional abuse are bullshit" thing, cuz, y'know, it's been done.

Lemme just say that not everyone who's emotionally abused has self-esteem issues and "doesn't think they could get anyone else." Honestly, I'm healthier than I've been self-esteem-wise than I have been in years. Oh, and I'm hot. Let's not forget that. It's just that someone who you've shared a lot of yourself with has all the tools they need to really fucking hurt you, intentional or not.

She is retarded. That is either a lie to cover up abuses, or they really do beat each other instead of talking. Either way, it's an unhealthy choice in a relationship. You shouldn't need to get violent in order to resolve your issues with a loved one.

Sassafrass, the whole mental abuse thing doesn't make much sense the way you put it. And you're right, if you consider the source as insignificant, then it's easy to walk away from insults/inconsideration. Problem is that one's boyfriend/girlfriend is someone whom you care about what they say. If their words have little effect when they are negative, then they have little effect when they are positive. Either way, it's a good reason to leave a person. To just 'ignore' it and pretend like everything is alright is what leads people to be in unhappy relationships.

And the point about the kids is crap. Those who stay together, in an unhappy or even abusive marriage, hurt their kids. You are better off with on parent than in a home which is full of such an atmosphere. Kids may not say anything, but they are affected by these things, and they notice a lot more than we think.

No, it's not a lie. She and her 'man' are both cold-hearted people. I can see it happen.

Well, technically, they are pretty happy when I see them together even if the fighting is unhealthy. Maybe it's just the 'thug' way of talking things out. It's just what happens when 2 violent people form a relationship.

Ask ANY counselor, therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist if that's normal or healthy. I guarantee they'll say "it's not".

Sure there are relationships like this, but that's why therapists and the like exist. They sort of act as referees so people can talk.

Usually people who have "hard time talking" actually have a hard time listening. They end up repeatedly interupting eachother and one gets fed up and attacks the other person. (Could be physically or mentally.)

You might wanna suggest counseling to your friend.

When I mention stuff like that to her, she just laughs.

Somethings just need to be solved by that person (If they want to solve it). You can't change a person if they don't want to change their ways.

Of course. I said "suggest", not "force".

She'll probably get help eventually, tho. No one is happy with someone that hits them or someone that pisses them off enough to make them want to hit them.

Sounds like battered woman syndrome. If you get a woman with more than her fair share of physical and mental abuse, she ends up being one very messed up woman. I'm very guilty of inflicting mental abuse on a lot of people, especially girls. It's definitely something I need to fix.

lol and eks is right. If you can't take breathing the same air as someone, stay away.

Okay. Here we go.

I've been in many, many kinds of abusive situations that you can imagine from ex boyfriends to family members. (I didn't get this mean from being raised on sugar and spice, lady)

And yea, you're right - its NOT EASY to fix the problem. But unless you feel like getting shit on for the rest of your life, you need to stand up, slam down your fist, and start being the one who makes decisions for yourself.

I wasn't always a control freak like I am now. I learned to be this way.

I've had my life threatened by more than one person who was close to me. I've been smacked around, I've been thrown across rooms, I've been choked against a wall, had a woman literally come at me with a knife, threaten the lives of my family members, had a few forced sexual situations, et cetera. (The real reason I started weight lifting, actually. It was my only remedy in my mind to not get tossed around.)

The end result was me one-upping, and scaring the ever-living shit out of the abusers. Sure, not everyone can do that. I pretty much went insane with rage and in the end, I stopped the shit. It's not the MATURE way to deal with it, I admit. And yea, it was probably one of the hardest things to do. But would YOU let yourself get shoved around, slapped around - all that shit - when NO ONE was there to defend you?

Thats their weakness.

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Devo. Now, I know not everyone can't think like that, and some people don't WANT to, but SURVIVAL is the way to go here.

I know a lot more about abuse than anyone would imagine. I just don't whine about it.

The thread title is open to any and all abuses.

Physical abuse, in MY opinion, is far more egregious than mental abuse. Because just about anyone on the planet has suffered mental abuse at at least once in their life. Hell, we mentally abuse each other on these forums for FUN. ^_^

And in some cases, where men literally overpower a woman physically, a woman needs to put her thinking cap on and get into the groove.

I agree, though, that I can't use myself as a measuring stick. I just sincerely wish women would wisen up, get the fuck out, and carry on.

Hey man. Their insecurity isn't my problem. They need to learn on their own.

Life isn't for sobbing about all the bad shit that happened to you. Life is for learning from your mistakes and moving on with them in the back of your mind as a lesson. EVERYONE makes mistakes. It's one of the wonderful things about life. WE ALL FUCK UP! =D

You know what the doctors call people who do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result every time, right?

Well, what if they actually think that's the way they are suppose to release anger? I'm pretty sure there's a lot of people who think hitting someone is the only way to solve something. There is a lot of aggressive people in the world.

I doubt girls like her will ever seek help because they are use to having that kind of relationships with others and probably think it's right.

Sure! But they don't love me, and I don't love them! THUS, it should be a LOT EASIER for them to learn a lesson from me! Or according to your argument anyways~

I don't care about their precious feelings, Devo. You should know that. I am a horrible monster. I've been through it. I didn't need anyone to help me. I used the lump 3 feet above my very LARGE ass. I encourage them to get some balls and try it themselves. Until they try, they get no sympathy from me.

GOD, I am mean.

"Hey doctor, we have devised a perfectly functional way of resolving our differences"

"NO THAT'S NOT ALLOWED ONLY RAINBOWS AND HUGGING ARE ALLOWED"

Shut the fuck up.

Well, depends on how you define superiority, Devo.

I didn't complain about them, really. I just stated my opinions on the issue, see. YOU'RE the one complaining about how MEAN I am being to them, "belittling their intelligence" and all.

Life should not be dictated by emotions, Devo. It should be dictated by logic.

Why don't you ask her. I am sure she'd have a few angry things to say about what I do to make her life more difficult.

And I'm not sure how that has anything to do with abusive relationships, but nice attempt at trying to piss me off? I don't even know why you mention it, really. But it's interesting that you're complaining to staff about me!

Patience, my dear Devo, is a virtue. I've learned THIS among all things.

I definitely agree with that.

I never said it wasn't. I made it very clear that I understand that people have a hard time, Devo. I am saying that eventually, these people will wake up, have enough, and decide to make their own decisions. Be the boss, essentially.

People need to pull up their own reins. Thats all I am saying.

Because I am determined to win, see. Like I said: Patience. I've put myself through decades of hell just to win a battle in a glorious manner. I've never disappointed myself.

I don't walk away from a problem. I solve it. It may take some time, but I always always get the job done. ^_^

If a person doesn't know how to control their own decisions, they need to be in an institution if you ask me.

They are both a risk to themselves and others if they can't control their own decisions. =/

Could be! I don't deny the abuse I've endured!

But let me remind you: this isn't a love relationship. Its a work relationship. And apart from you attempting to make personal jabs at me to upset me somehow (which it doesn't), I don't see what the purpose of bringing it up is.

If you'd like to continue the discussion regarding my work environment, I welcome you to any number of the entries I've made about it in my journal.

Disagree.

Assess situation. Determine algorithm. Problem solved.

Because I intend to go out with a bang, Devo.

No one steps on me and I subsequently back down. This never happens. I will go through hell and back to make sure the person who did me wrong gets theirs.

I will not continue to discuss the Cheryl Problem here, by the way. I can make an angst thread if you'd like to continue it. I'd like to try and encourage OTHER people to participate here. Not just you and I going baaaaack and fooooorth about it.

That's stupid. Why don't you just be the bigger person, remove yourself from the situation, and save yourself some frustration and RAGE.

Okay, so either I'm going to have to close this thread or make a new one in angst.

Which will it be, guys.

I don't think abused people say that, really. Especially when they're winning. =D
(also, on a personal note, there is a rather large change coming up. To which I've had a hand in. And there's nothing she can do. In fact, she's decided to work for the other guys. That will be in September. So theres that. Win.)

So I guess I'll close this now?

Yeah, I'd have to agree. You can only fool yourself for so long. One day, the same old shit will start happening again, just like it always does, and the person who is the target of the abuse will just realise that life's too short to deal with this crap, no matter how much they think they love that person. Been there. Done that.

Oh come on... I'm pretty sure that Sass actually enjoys RAGE. Why would she want to save herself from that? :p

Kinda do. Its like playing with that cut on your lip. Or maybe playing with fire. CHALLENGE.

And Devo, what do you want me to say. I approach life in a different way than you do. I don't have sympathy for stupid broads. What do you want from me.

Dead? I must lead a really sheltered existance. I can't say that I realised people were ending up dead as a result of domestic violence... I know some people get pretty badly hurt as a result of it, but that's often when the "wake-up call" hits them, isn't it? Of course, I was speaking primarily of emotional abuse, which is the only kind I have any real experience of. :)

So you'd stick around with a chick who hit you? You think it's ok for a dude to beat his chick?


Okaaaayyyy...

Umm, I actually remember a thread where it was explicitly stated that Pang-n-Sass smack each other around every now and then. This is completely normal and if you disagree Pang will be sarcastic at you until you see things their way or get tired of arguing with a brick wall that has been decorated with a beautiful spray paint frescoe of a man pointing defiantly at a jellyfish.

It's not an issue of whether it's "normal", I don't think that's relevant. There is a distinction between "abusive relationship" and "relationship where two consenting adults choose to resolve conflict via physical violence". I just don't really buy into the idea that two capable people should just suppress all their frustrations because "hitting people is wrong". But no, let's just all sit in a circle and talk it out even when the issue is so fundamental as to be beyond compromise.

You shouldn't hit someone who cannot reasonably be expected to mount a capable counterattack. Beyond that, why not? If both parties are in roughly equivalent states of physical fitness, then both of them will be injured to roughly the same degree.

Bonding!

I like how Elmo just dictated how Sass and I have to decorate our kitchen.

Fuck you, Jellyfish. You're not my real father.

To expand further on this, we've never put each other in the hospital or anything. And it's not like we're beating the bloody fuck out of each other.

It really does help, you know. He hits me, I hit him or vice versa. Until we end up laughing at each other or insulting each other in reallu juvenile ways.

"ANDY, YOU HIT LIKE A GIRL."
"DANIELLE, YOU ARE A GIRL."
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME!?"
"YEA, THATS RIGHT BITCH."

Laughter ensues. Or possibly violence. Its great for relieving stress.

From what Sass is describing, you guys have spats, not full-on fist fights. I don't see a big deal in that, I guess. I can also see a common understanding within it, too.

Sometimes you can get your point across without such accessive sarcasm. Ask Sass. ;)

well since we're dragging sass' personal life into this, I assume once she doesn't need her work to pay for college anymore, she's good to go?

are you kidding me? domestic violence is pretty much the most dangerous type of situation that the police have to deal with. I assume it's because of the extreme likelyhood that someone's going to end up dead if things aren't dealt with in the best way possible.

It seems like everyone should like sarcasm that's easy to access, though. :(

If I had to like remember a password just to get to my sarcasm, well, I wouldn't like that much at all.

Also, why is Elmoogle even here, I thought he left the internet.

Nope, I'm really not kidding. I kinda figured most people got out of an abusive relationship when bones started getting broken, for example. I've no direct experience of physical abuse within a relationship, and the only cases I have second-hand knowledge of haven't escalated to quite that point.

Since we're going to talk about it ANYways (ugh)

I think Devo just doesn't get my personality.

Yea, I think women in an abusive relationship should shut up or get out.

Whereas with ME and my work situation, I enjoy a good bitch fight. We all know this. I have been in bitch fights for the entire time I've been on this planet. I enjoy them. Sure, I get frustrated. Sure, I get my fair share of being dealt shit at work - like everyone.

But its a challenge for me. And while it makes me VERY angry and it makes me VERY frustrated, I am always up for a challenge. If I couldn't take it, I would leave, sure. But believe me, at this point, I am in it just to say I did it - just to win in the end. And like I said, the end will be in my favor - it's already determined. She loses her job and goes with the other guys.

And it's not like I don't abuse her either. I set little traps. I dish it out. I am just (surprisingly) a lot more passive aggressive with her than you think.

Sheltered indeed.

An awful lot of the time something relatively minor like screaming at each other can quickly turn into severe violence. Happens all the time.

The 'wake-up call' doesn't always hit. Some people will just continue to go back regardless of how often things get out of hand.

Devo, I'll give you the point about just tearing into a victim's self esteem etc. But it's quite another thing to tell someone that they deserve better, and that they are quite capable of taking care of themselves. They should sort their shit out or they are dumb. This *should* be encouraging, as you get across the sentiment that they deserve better, and putting up with the abuse is selling themselves short.

But, what would you suggest? Just a pat on the back and 'everything is going to be alright'? Tough love (sans abuse) can get a point across well. Touchy feely reassurance might as well be telling the victim to buck up and march back into the bad situation for another round.

In all honesty, I don't know why women (generally speaking. This can apply to men too) deal with this shit.

This topic hits pretty close to home, as there's someone in my house who's currently in a particularly shitty and abusive relationship. They know damn well what they need to do to fix this problem--break up with said spouse, cut off communication, move on with life--but for whatever inane, batshit reason... Even though the fucker has cheated on them multiple times, has evidently hit them (I've seen the bruises!), humiliated and discouraged said family member... Ugh. They still fucking "love" their shitty shit significant other.

And even though people outside looking in on the situation know that it's not love, that it's issues with self-esteem and all of this other shit, it's a hopeless and helpless cause to try and work with these people because they refuse to listen to reason. It's both a sad and frustrating effort, to try and pull these people out of their rut and get them going toward something better.

However, the descision to change must be made completely by themselves. They're pretty much the only ones who can do anything in (abusive) situations like these.

So what makes you different?

See, when Lehah suggests you smear dog shit under everything she owns and everyone else is nodding in agreement, it's because nobody else thinks you're different from any other abused person. You just think you are. Yes, abused people really do sound like that.

The real solution really would be to walk away from it, but you won't. And worse, you still don't seem to realize at all how little you're really doing to resolve the situation. You're letting ego get the better of you with this notion that you're strong enough to put up with it for extremely nebulous ends.

Honestly - why DO you put up with it all? And don't say "to win", because that's not a real goal. Not in real life.

It's rather depressing how few people can distinguish between actual love, and mere infatuation. That, plus the other common misconception that "love conquers all" when all accumulated knowledge on the subject says otherwise. People won't use their heads in relationships.

Well, Seris, you do have to take into account that some people are dependent on boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.

Society puts so much pressure on you having a partner that I know the more weak people will certainly get someone and just accept it.

Also, the fact that many people don't think they can do better or that there's no better kind of people out there. (I wouldn't critize them for thinking there's not that much better people out there)

I'm sure there's people from messed up backgrounds who have men hit them all of the time and call it a 'love tap'.

There's many factors that could make them just accept it.

Double Post:
Until it almost gets chopped off by their so-called "lover".

Mental and emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse. It least with physical abuse, the marks will go away. Emotional damage stays around a lot longer than an actual wound does.

Yes, I've been in an abusive relationship. My advice to others would probably be to pay attention to your surroundings and your boyfriend/girlfriend's behavior. People tend to behave one way when you're dating, just married, etc. Somewhere along the line, they have to screw up and the real person comes out. That's what you need to watch out for.

Sassumomo, why are you curious about something like this?

Alice had made a journal entry about something like it. I saw some potential in a thread there. So I made it.

That's just the thing. How do you expect to 'make sure' they check in? All you can do is say things which you hope will convince them to go of their own volition. Most people just want a shoulder to cry on, but absolutely refuse to hear good advice when it comes their way. They desire sympathy, not help. In telling them things in a somewhat harsh way, you shatter their expectation of sympathy, and potentially get your point across. Their situation is beyond mere sympathy is what they *should* learn.

What's all this shit about physical abuse and emotional abuse being mutually exclusive? When a loved one hits you the marks may fade but the emotional effects of being hit by your boyfriend/girlfriend remain. It's not like when you get physically hit it doesn't also register with you emotionally.

Well, my male friend had been abused by his uncle.

What i have gathered from asking people and rectifying reallife cases is that Physical abuse is not just Physical it comes with Mental disorders.
In other words Mentaltrauma is inherent in Physical abuse.

I agree with Miyomi, we are living in masquerade.People are not what they seem.
Now i understand why Miyomi was secretive with me on that day.
Hmmm.:eyebrow:

I much rather go through physical abuse (not that I'm ever going to again!) because at least with that, you can fight back. However, with emotional abuse, you can't really fight back. There's way too many people in this world that have had stuff happen to them that take it out on their boyfriends/girlfriends.

I have no real reason to trust people in general, however, I do realize that there are people in this world that aren't like my ex and other people. I just don't feel like putting myself out there like that again because I might stab the next person that tries to put me through that again. I have various knives around me almost at all times, so I'm not playing.

Sexninja ~ The reason why I'm sorta secretive with certain things I say is because my ex had me stalked for awhile after I first left him. He had people watching me, coming up to me trying to be my friend and find out my business. I'm sure he's still up to his tricks because he tried it again recently.

Oh and another thing to watch out for, if you ever break up or threaten to break up with your boyfriend/girlfriend and they threaten to kill themselves...RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION IMMEDIATELY.

From a counselor/psychological standpoint, physical abuse is not just physical but always has a mental abuse component as well. Most of the time, people are just not aware of the mental component. As for it being hard to hurt someone with words...spend one day in as a counselor and you'll see how false this statement is. Words hurt longer and more deeply than physical abuse in most situations.

Abuse is abuse, regardless of its form. As a counselor, I have to help those who are hurt by abuse and those who are abusers. I strongly believe that everyone deserves a second chance, if they can prove they are truely worth it.

God, I wonder if you could ooze more sensitive feelings if you tried.

I don't see why you people put so much emphasis on this supposed "mental abuse." The only place I can see it being valid would be in the matter of children. I think there definitely IS mental abuse for them, only because their mind and thought processes aren't matured or solidified.

As for grown adults, I don't know what could be worse. A person who cries and whines about someone treating them in a manner which makes them feel worthless and does nothing about it, or those whole dole out the sympathy to these people like its the end of the fucking world.

PEOPLE ARE MEAN. The world isn't made of daisies and roses. People will try to take advantage of you at every corner - to think otherwise is only naive.

People who claim to be mentally abused generally aren't doing anything about it - otherwise, they wouldn't be talking/complaining about it. They perpetuate the problem it's self by feeding it with their presence. I don't think you can get much stupider than that.

Mental abuse IS real - but unless you're locked in a box and stuffed under the bed you're at as much fault of the situation as the person who's calling you bad names. Get over it.

Wow. Finally. Someone who agrees with me. Well, partially anyways.

I can't imagine "mental abuse" being upheld in a court for anything. It could mean pretty much anything from calling a girl a stupid whore to throwing her down a dry well and telling her to put lotion on her skin. Which actually borders on physical abuse, but whatever.

Wait. Wouldn't the actual physical act of locking someone in a box and shoving them under the bed be PHYSICAL abuse?

Mental abuse is such a world of crap. Stop feeling bad for yourselves. Jesus.

Kill a small animal and nail it to his door with a threatening note. That should get the point across.

I can't believe that your argument against mental abuse is that basic. Everytime a situation makes you *feel bad* due to something someone said or did in order to hurt you, that's mental abuse. That's all it is, nothing more, nothing less. You can't seriously be arguing that nothing anyone has ever said or done has hurt your feelings? This notion is so entirely alien that those who claim it are 'full of crap'?

I agree with you that you shouldn't just lamely feel bad for yourself, and that you should get over it. You may get over things quickly, or at least most of it quickly, but that doesn't mean that something didn't happen.

You just proved my point.

EVERYONE has had to undergo "mental abuse" at one point or another. It's a bunch of bullshit to claim that you were "mentally abused" or something. Who gives a shit, right? Everyone gets shit on in their lives.

And I don't see why everyone should be walking around on tip-toes to avoid offending everyones' precious feelings. Give me a break.

Mental abuse is just a bunch of crap, you know? O someone mentally abused you? You poor, poor bloke! HERE. LET MOMMY MAKE IT BETTER. Give me a break, mate.

People have certainly HURT my feelings. But who cares, right? I'm not whining about it, and I don't claim to have been "ABUSED" because someone hurt my fucking feelings. Are you kidding me.

Its a part of life, fuckers. Get over it.

It's best for one to try and learn from these things instead of feel sorry for oneself.

Sass, your machismo in response to mental abuse would be admirable, except that as stated repeatedly, in the same situation you yourself don't do anything to rectify the situation. Vague statements that "things will be changing soon" are the words of a battered wife. You're banking on your dad changing his ways, which we all know is not going to happen. You're not being proactive enough to drive your arch-nemesis away, nor are you willing to swallow your pride and quit.

You're guilty of the very thing you're railing against and you don't even know it.

Sir, what the fuck are you on about. I get neither mentally or physically abused at my place of employ. I get FUCKED with, but thats no big deal. I get fucked with when I go to get my truck repaired too. Or if I go to a nice restaurant. Or ANYTHING.

Are you telling me that employers NEVER take advantage of their employees? Because thats a little naive.

And I've been through this tripe with Devo already. Just because theres a woman in my office that makes my life a living hell doesn't mean that I am getting abused. It means that there's a woman in my office. Take that as you will.

True, people are mean. It does not mean that mental abuse does not occur in adults. It is MORE tramatic to children than adults, typically, but it can be just as devestating to adults, especually if they have never learned good/any coping skills. This is what makes children more vunerable to this type of abuse, since they have few, if any, adequate coping skills when they are young..

Believing that, just becuase your grown you cannot suffer mental abuse in a relationship or otherwise is also naive. I never stated the world the was made of daisies and roses. People have hard times, but that is seperate from what mental abuse is. Mental abuse is typically thought of as "emotional abuse" and is the willful infliction of mental or emotional anguish by threat, humiliation, intimidation or other abusive conduct. Cultural values and expectations play a significant role in how mental abuse is manifested and how it affects its victims. As I stated before, this is also the by-product of physical abuse.

Someone calling you a bad name, or bad mouthing you, is NOT mental abuse. Trying to generalize and applly this to stuff like that is naive. This kinds of situations are not abuse, by any means.

Lastly, people have recieved damages in court cases for "psychological abuse", which is just a more technical term for mental abuse, just so you know Sass. Yes, I know, your gonna want examples of this to prove my point. I have to go take my car in, so I'll find you your examples when I get back in a bit.

I just wanted to interject something here, if I may. People have received damages in court for a multitude of ridiculous claims, including being burned by hot coffee and getting fat from eating too much fast food. So that's not the best example you could have used to illustrate your point.

For the record, I am a big believer in emotional/mental abuse, particularly where children are concerned. You can do a hell of a lot of permanent damage to a child through your words.

Spanking is now labled a form of child abuse, though. I personally believe in the act because it showed me what to do and what not to do as a child. People just have more excuses than ever to justify themselves being weak or stupid; how sad is that?

Everyone is batshit. "Sane is what everyone is and you are not" as the saying goes.

Mental abuse in adults is for idiots who can't hold their own in my opinion. Grow a pair of balls and you'll do absolutely fine when someone shoots you down.

If someone shits on you, either express your feelings to the adult doing the shitting, or dish it right back out. If you can't handle it, go the other direction and pay no mind to morons.

Disagree. Its the mental state you need to keep. People are generally assholes. The sooner you learn this, the better you can keep your head up and keep on keeping on.

O NO. NOT THREAT AND HUMILIATION. O NOOOO. WHAT A TRAGIC THING!

Come on. Every. fucking. person on the planet has been here. The smart ones know how to deal with it. The stupid ones mill over it, and turn it into something a lot bigger than what it actually is.

I like how you're playing shrink intern with me. This behavior in itself is hilarious.

How is calling someone a bad name or badmouthing you any worse than a threat or humiliation, I wonder.

Both are negative emotions directed at another.

I don't want any retarded examples.

People also claim to be in the state of "insanity" when they murdered their spouse because they caught them cheating. "Yea, I was TEMPORARILY INSANE."

And like Alice said, theres a lot of bullshit cases out there. But a woman flipping out and killing her husband because he was mean to her is a load of crap. MAYBE if he was beating the shit out of her every night in front of the kids, I would say "hey, yea, he pushed her over the edge."

But people making threats and humiliating others? Pffth. Get over it. Sure. It hurts - but that doesn't mean it should amount to much.

And to expand on Alice's post: I think mental abuse of children should be as harshly punished as it is for physical abuse. Kids don't need that shit. And I can't tell you how often I see it in grocery stores and shit, man. It really makes me want to flip out on the parents. I don't think they even REALIZE what they're saying to their kids sometimes.

Through deductive reasoning, it's safe to say that washyu64 is a victim of "mental abuse" and is attempting to justify his victimization through his limply pointed discussion with Sass.

In the liquor industry, we call that shit "T-Rex Arms". (In other words, you put your elbows to your sides and let your wrist go limp. You look like a T-Rex or more homosexual than John Waters)

And that's why you don't acknowledge the existence of emotional abuse; you don't know it when you see it.

The thing is though, Sassafrass is right and wrong. She is right about mental abuse just being an excuse/'victimization' used by those who are not strong willed enough to suck it up when they are hurt. She is wrong in trying to classify these things as anything but abuse. Just because it's relatively minor and you can learn from it/get over it if you want to doesn't mean it didn't happen.

The real problem is likely with those (many, many) people that forever want to think themselves a victim. Since they lack the willpower to deal with their issues, they then complain about the abuse. Those who have willpower/self determination will just deal with it and/or shrug it off.

It's really a shame how many lambs are out there, and worse yet are those that pander to their sad ways. Instead of getting people to take care of themselves, a lot of people would rather be 'supportive' regardless of how much that just enables a person to make poor choices (not make choices) in their lives. Makes the consoler feel better, but doesn't help the person with the issue.

If she's saying emotional abuse is bullshit - she is certainly able to see it. Otherwise she wouldn't comment on the subject.

Sir, I have been through every kind of abuse that exists.

I learned. I sucked it up. I've moved on. It exists. It's just bullshit, and a person should be able to figure that out. I am not a victim if I don't want to be. Thats the decision you've got to make as a person. "Will I let this bring me down?" Emotionally, of course. PHYSICALLY, I think, is a whole new ball game.

Emotions are a strange thing. You can't let your emotions dictate your actions. Someone "abuses" you emotionally, realize it's only feelings, and they don't amount to much unless it's to determine the quality of a person. Afterall, what kind of person would need to threaten, humiliate, et cetera for a petty cause, unprovoked? Probably not a very good one, right? I should say not a very SECURE person instead of judging the overall character of an entire person based on a few flaws.

"Someone threatened me."
"Someone humiliated me."
"Someone made me feel like a shit person."

This happens to me at least once a week. Do I consider it abuse? Absolutely not. A person is trying to get something out of me. Do I give it to them? No. I let them threaten me all they want. I rarely budge. And I don't cry when it happens because it's kind of pointless.

You have seen Monster and hasn't learned anything from it.

I am sort of johan , i learned a lot from Johan to control and manipulate people.
Exploit people and events, it's an art but i only do that as a DEFENSE.
Not to innocents or nedlessly ,ofcourse i have morals.

I mentally raped my girlfriend,why yo must think?
She was double crossing me and her parents,she was selfish so i turned the tables, i think 'Mental' guard:ninja: is must specially in LOVE cases(this is my advice).

What does watching Monster have to do with this subject?

And guess who's the first one they suspect? You see, as much as I'd like to turn loose some of my friends and family on him to "teach him a lesson", I'm the first person that will be suspected and probably jailed.

I do understand what you mean by this, but really, think about what you said later on in this post. it's all in the upbringing. children grow up to be adults and if they were mentally abused as a child, they're not going to turn out as very mentally strong adults. if you were taught from the time you were a baby that you're a piece of shit and don't deserve to be treated well, then where the hell do you expect them to learn how to stand up for themselves?

what your parents teach you goes a long way, especially if they're incredibly persistent as I assume most abusers are. how else would they keep you under their thumb other than constant reminders of what your "place" is?

I do agree that people who were otherwise free of abuse during their upbringing ending up in an abusive relationship and doing nothing about it is something they'd "need to grow a pair of balls" about. they have it within their mental capacity to understand that the situation they're in is avoidable, where as someone who had lived with that their entire life won't know the difference.

people like that I can understand you having no sympathy for, but there are a lot of people out there who have suffered the abuse since they were incredibly young and unfortunately weren't as lucky as you were to learn how to stand up and defend themselves and probably didn't have someone to stand up for them either. some people just don't have any fighting spirit left in them after someone's beaten it out them repeatedly whether through psychological conditioning or physical beatings. =/

It's not like these people who have long been abused are oblivious to the situations of other non-abused people. Sure they haven't experienced such life first hand, but they see and hear things that I can only presume that they would see as a better way of life. They know damn well the difference (at least in theory) between an abusive relationship and a non-abusive one.

I do have sympathy for people in abusive relationships. I just don't think that sympathy alone does anything to help, and may even encourage them to remain in a bad situation.

How do you define an abusive relationship? Do you put physical abuse higher on the scale than mental abuse?

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? What advice would you give to others?

Or maybe you hate the very notion and think 'dem bitches DESERVE what they get.

Let's tawk.



Hmm... abusive relationship is when one of the two is being overly submissive and the other is overly dominating. Hmm... mental abuse? Well... I definitely do understand when one's being coerced into doing such things that could define this mental abuse. Its rare to SEE unless if you're living under that same roof to notice. So yeah physical abuse is obvious compared to mental abuse. But in the same turn, if abusee feels the pain, then where does the mental abusee vent? At the end, it can turn out murderous. Kinda like a son who wants to suffocate his own mother for forcing him to having to take care of her for years as his social life suffered... and her vocal abuse could make it worse. Psycho anyone? xD

Then again, mental abuse is just not as recognized as it should like physical abuse we all come to recognize today thanks to the media.

Thankfully I had never been in a PHYSICAL abusive relationship but I definitely had my share of mental ones. :\ Just two words... GET OUT. Just get the fuck out of there. Its NO time to be unselfish, you have a LIFE, and you ON YOUR OWN can make that choice, and definitely believe me here, you will live a good life by making that choice.

You know when you're in a mental abusive relationship when you're thinking constantly of how to make that person suffer and listen to you finally. You dream of role reversal too often.

Living with a drunk aunt sure does taught me a LOT of what a mental abusive relationship is. Its even more complicated when you have a submissive grandma and a dominating uncle (her brother). Today, I'm just SO glad, even constantly that I'm out of that horrible relationship today. I just don't look back, and be happy as I am. And because of it, I have everything I wanted currently. If not best, I still am doing great because of my leaving there finally. Its the BEST fresh air I could ever describe of having.

And also, don't let your abuser try to separate you from your family and friends. That's the only way they can get total control of you. My ex did this to me once. Thank goodness my family fought to keep in touch with me.