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URBX 8 August, 2536: Gary Indiana
Well, that went downhill fast. If she'd mentioned being herpetophobic in her profile it would have saved us both a lot of time. It's not like I asked to be born this way. It's just racism is all it is, where does she get off making me the bad guy?
Fuck it. Let's just warm up last night's casserole and see what's on the screenbox. Doesn't look promising. Reruns, documentaries, cartoons, public access...
Fuck. Yes. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/img_6821.jpg http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Welcome to Gary Indiana. According to recently recovered records, this was practically a ghost town even before the Mistake, and it's only gone downhill since. By special request of tonight's squad, this URBXpedition is starting in the evening. Maybe they're worried about sunburn! But no need, because tonight's Xpedition is subterranean. I'm here at the Gary Indiana loco station, where our location scouts have found a series of underground tunnels and chambers just teeming with danger." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Sounds exciting, ROB. I understand we've got some newcomers for tonight's season premiere?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "How will they fare? Will they crush or be crushed? They will probably be crushed." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You always say that, Korgar. Last season the Montreal Murderhobos cleared 5 sites without a casualty, and you kept predicting they'd be crushed any second." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The record will show that they were eventually crushed!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "In a boating accident postseason!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The ways of crushing are mysterious. No man may know when or how he may be crushed." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "ROB, you've talked with the squad, what do you think of their chances?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Well, as you know, Lydia, new squads are only initially qualified for Copper-level sites, so that's what we can expect here in Gary Indiana. But don't tune out just yet! Copper-level sites mean Copper-level squads, and that means these rookies might fall for anything. Statistically I predict a 78% chance of Total Wipeout, most likely via something embarrassingly obvious like a razorwire pitfall." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Remember, delve devotees, if Copper expeditions don't light your torch, there's always an URBX Replay after your local news. Replay is only the best expeditions, the meanest monsters, the funniest fuck-ups and the dumbest deaths." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "We save the tapes of boring episodes for our in-laws! We crush them with our indifference!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You crush them with your bare hands, if last year's Winterween party is any indication. Speaking of crushing, tonight's DJ is also a newcomer to URBX: DJ High Noon! What sort of hazards do you predict in your freshman session?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Fire. Poison. Centipedes. Goblin or two. Nothin' fancy." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "It seems our new DJ is a man of few words! Hopefully his talent will speak for itself. Let's go to the HoverCam, where team... Melancholy of Perfection? Really? Anyway, they drove out a handful of kobold squatters without a fight and have made base camp in the basement of the station." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Looks like they've made their campfire on an old summoning circle. It's not often you see that kind of naiveté." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Yet they live, and no shapeless horror is attempting to mate with the HoverCam." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Jes' luck. But luck don't help you with the centipede, no sir. Daddy taught me that. You don't mess with the centipede, no sir." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/urbx_1_01.png It's cool and damp beneath the loco station; a puddle of water has collected in the south side of the room. The summoning circle beneath your campfire is either nonfunctional or the relevant entity just isn't interested. Two routes east present themselves behind a pair of rotting wooden doors. Rufus picks up the unmistakable squeaking and scuttling of rats beyond the southeast door. The HoverCam waits patiently. |
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Rufus finished cleaning his revolver and started putting it back together. He'd had a semi-automatic weapon with the force, but he liked revolvers better. More weight, and he liked the feel of the trigger better. Rufus attached his shield to his arm, his hand fitting nicely into the bend he'd made in the shield to allow him to use that hand to steady his shot when necessary. Most people didn't fight with both a revolver and a shield - for one, they lent themselves to two very different types of combat, and for another, it looked kind of silly. Most people, however, didn't attract bullets in quite the same way as Rufus did.
Rufus pulled the trigger a few times - each rotation of the barrel nice and smooth - before loading the weapon with his ammunition of choice, .357 slugs from Greenwood. Enchanting bullets was a difficult enough process - a decently enchanted fire round could easily the barrel of an inferior weapon in the moment before it was fired - but the elves had never been the type to give up using magic on something just because it didn't work the first few hundred times. Somehow those geniuses at Greenwood had developed a bullet that could be enchanted without having to worry about melting one's gun. Rufus had asked, once, how they did it, but all he got was some gobbledegook about alloys and layering. At least they had the kindness to color code the casings. Having ensured that his equipment was in working order (and making certain that the labels were visible the hovercam as he did), Rufus stood up and stretched. Without a word, he moved closer to the north door to try to figure out what might lie beyond. The nice thing about old ruins like this was that the doors were rarely fit properly anymore, and so there was often a crack somewhere to check for feet or vehicles on the other side of the door. Load revolver with 2 fire, 2 ice, and 2 normal rounds. Perception check at north door. |
Eat the campfire |
The gargantuan figure leaning on the pommel of his enormous hammer throws back his head and laughs, a thunderous noise that echoes in the small chamber.
"Hahaha! I agree with dinosaur! Why waste time with scrutiny, small elf man? Whatever lurks beyond door will not leave if heard by small elf man! Hahaha!" Sven had little use for - and, for that matter, little concept of - what you might call an inside voice, coming from a culture that didn't really have an overwhelming amount of inside. "Better to use element of surprise! I will smash foes with mighty hammer before they know what smashes them!" In emphasis of his last point, Sven pulls his hammer upward and smashes it back down with a heavy thud that rings in the ears of his comrades. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Doorcheckers! Why check what you can crush?!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Classy hardware, though." Rufus sidles up to the door, listening for any obvious sign of trouble. Nothin'. Or is that a faint hissing sound? Really far away, or maybe he's just imagining things. There's a bit of monofilament strung in front of the door at about chest level. Kickpunch devours the roaring campfire, leaving behind a small heap of ashes and some incipient indigestion. It is the fifth most dangerous thing he has eaten today. Of course, now the room is pitch black. Sven's sledgehammer smashes through the weak stone tile beneath his feet, dropping him 3 feet into a small hidden cache left by the squatters. Unfortunately, all they were storing in the cache was a pile of mummified cats. Fuckin' kobolds, man. HoverCam issues an irritated whine and switches to thermal until panning over Esperansita, then whines again. |
"Why must dinosaur constantly eat sources of light? Light is necessary for efficient smashing! This has already been discussed!"
Attempt to feel around for the edges of the hollow and hoist self back onto floor-level. |
Esperansita leans against the wall of the station and sizes up the team. It's been a while since she's had a night of fun and debauchery, and hopefully her habitually horrendous luck will have given her a slight reprieve.
A tiefling. Their horns are good for holding on, but their bulky upper parts come at a price elsewhere, this she's seen time and again. An elf. Ya let's keep moving on. Ooooh a goliath. There's something about all that fur which is not unappealing on occasion, but it tends to muck up with blood too easily. What a waste of perfectly comestible fluids. The last member of the team looks like nothing she's seen before, but the thick skin and robotic implements coupled with the nasty attitude remind her of too many bad tricks she turned before she had her humble begginings in the URBX: rehabilitation or total-annihilation league. Plus it seems like there are no fun-time parts to speak of, the proper region for them being very much dull, boring metal with no protrusions to speak of. Since it seems like she's not going to satisfy her hunger for thrills with this lot, she pushes herself away from the wall and gives her whip a quick snap on the floor. As the big man smashes through the wooden paneled door, the Suck Queen sidles a bit closer to get a good view of what will be found in the next chamber. She takes out her promotion delivery canon and loads it with a batch of Jolly Polly's "Plushie Blood Plugs" XXLs. |
Kickpunch stares quizzically at this giant vegetable with a hammer. He's vaguely aware of the concept of a vegetable. He saw one once. He ate it accidentally. Nutritious, but not so delicious.
He figures that a vegetable is a good companion. He is far less likely to eat that one. He'll have to wait and see with the others. Or not see. It's dark now. :( RGAOARGAGHAGH? With a click and a small delay, HoverCam's patented talking-subtitles feature clears up any misunderstandings. Get the Flash Player to play this audio file: |
Rufus truly does want to check behind that north door. Nobody traps a door if there's no reason to keep anyone out - assuming, of course, that the trap is indeed natural to the environment and not added by their friend upstairs in the studio. All the same, it's worth a try at springing from a safe distance, if nothing else. Carefully gathering the rest of the expedition team in the far corner (and making certain that no one falls into the room's latest renovation), Rufus raises his shield and pulls from the direction of the door. Either the trap's mechanism will probably have some sort of metallic switch, or any metal in the door should cause it to swing open into the tripwire.
Gather team away from door. Magnetic yank on booby trapped north door. |
While Sven humours the elf, he takes the opportunity to encourage Rufus to loosen up a little bit.
"Hahaha! Look how safe is small elf man! Does not Small Elf Town cherish adventure and guts, small elf man? Hahaha! Next time I will show you how to exercise Bravery Muscles!" |
Murderson awoke to the smell of sin. It was an all too familiar stench to him but his current companions positively reeked of it. He cleared his throat and spat on the floor, whatever he had eaten for dinner the previous night had a lot of fur still attached and it tickled him terribly.
It was dark and he could just make out a couple of massive shapes in the gloom. Ignoring them for the time being, he knelt up and began his morning prayer rituals. He had carefully laid out his Abdul Deftweave Special the night before in the correct alignment, facing towards where the 9 items or less till would have stood had this been a standard Abduls emporia. He skipped the majority of the prayer ritual, knowing that his erstwhile companions were unlikely to tarry long and believing that sanctifying this unholy chamber would be wasted effort at best. Once he finished, he gathered up his mat, carefully tucking it into his pack so the Abdul sticker was outward facing. He wasn't generally one for commercial considerations but Abdul had given him a very good deal on the mat and it really was a shame he had spotted that bacon sandwich as he was leaving the shop. Abdul and his family were no doubt roasting in the fifth level of hell for their sins right now and what was left of the shop would barely have filled a bin bag. Still, it was a big franchise and honouring a debt was number 3,215 of the 10,000 holy commandments. He checked the straps on his vest, made sure the detonator was primed (It always was but it never hurt to check) and unslung his rifle, uttering the incantation of holy vengeance as he slid back the rack and chambered the first round. Let us get this kerfeching show, as you say, on the goat-trail, you unholy sons of pig dogs. He spat on the remains of the fire, waiting for one of the others to commit a sin. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I'm getting... crunching sounds... no, did you hear that? Some kind of whoosh. This is getting ridiculous."
The squad's earpieces crackle briefly as R.O.B. 3000's grating electronic voice intercedes with an offer. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Attention squad. If we send down an Everbright, do you agree not to eat it?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I also hear bitter muttering, so I assume the tiefling's done with his little nap. While we're waiting on the lighting problem, how about an Xplorer Spotlight? Ayatollah Murderson hails from the exotic land of... um... Lydia, can you pronounce this?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You know that I cannot read your handwriting." The door's loose, rusty hinges obligingly pop out at Rufus' direction, and the door falls to the floor with a damp thud. As it breaks the filament, a heavy log swings down from the ceiling of the corridor beyond, cutting a swath through where Rufus' head would have been if he opened doors like a normal, civilized person. Of course, it's pitch black, so Esperansita is the only one who actually sees this happening (though HoverCam catches something big on the motion detector). Even the vampire's night vision only detects about 40 feet of empty corridor on the other side of the doorway. |
Murderson was furious. Had the prophet not written that to set swinging log traps rather than facing your foes in righteous battle was a sin beyond that even of mowing your front lawn on a Tuesday?
Clearly we find ourselves in a nest of heathens. The prophet will be angered if we do bring the light of holy truth to their unseeing eyes! Follow me you thrice cursed bretheren of a librarian and a donkey, let us illuminate the infidel! Slamming a fresh clip of Crazy Ahmed's Pun-Reactive Ammo - You'll kill to get your hands on it, he sprayed a burst at the southern door, the bullets bursting into a dim but serviceable light as they ripped through the door, smashing it to pieces and studding the ceiling of the corridor beyond. He surveyed his companions in the staccato light of muzzle flash, catching sight of a hulking robot in the shape of those 7,000 year old fossils the prophet buried all over the planet, a big tree with a hammer, a non-descript elf and, wait, no, was that a... woman? His blood boiling at the affront of sharing a sleeping chamber with someone who even looked like a woman, Murderson stalked towards the southern doorway, peering past the remains of the door as the bullets in the ceiling gave off a warm light that would add 20 camels to the value of any cave-hovel you would care to mention. |
Rufus responded to the voice in his head with something more likely to result in a decent light source than shooting at random objects. "Yeah, i think most of us should be able to handle that. Just make certain that it isn't handed to big guy with the speech impediment and we should be perfectly fine."
Rufus sighed as he waits for the everbright to be delivered. It was hard enough to make a name for yourself in this world, but if you were going to get yourself involved in something like URBX, you at least wanted people to see it. Rufus considers Sven's suggestion, but then discards it. You can't impress a trapped door with bravery, and hopefully some viewers at least would be more impressed with clever thinking and caution than getting one's head separated from one's shoulders at the very first hurdle. There would be time for bravery later, when they inevitably found something that might be impressed with bravery. Right before it found a bullet between the eyes. |
Seeing the log trap illuminated by the phosphorescent bullets leaves Sven undeterred and he stomps just past the door and into the corridor, taking a look around at the environment.
"See, small elf man? Safe! They throw sticks at us, that is all! Sticks are puny and weak! Like small elf man! Hahaha!" |
So the tiefling is flustered by her presence. This kind of information could be useful later on, and if there's one thing The Suck Queen knows how to use to her advantage, it's sexual tension. She learned to sense these things with the most minor clues over time. She knows an avenger's faith can sometimes be a dangerous thing to trifle with, but what's life without a little risk?
For now though, it seems like this bunch is resolved to waste all of their ammo before they even encounter the slightest threat, so she carefully passes by the log and uses her keen vision to peer further into the next room, carefully entering it while watching her step. You never know when you set off a pit trap, and so she's gotten used to moving along walls as lightly as possible. If these lugs want to catch the attention of whatever they'll be facing, that's all the better, as she's not going to be spotted so easily. quite frankly, it's a bit surprising to her that any of these reckless fuckers have managed to survive this long. being trigger happy will only save you so many times before someone with a bigger gun shows you the error of your ways. Step into the next room as stealthily as possible |
Murderson empties a clip into the southeast door, providing a temporary source of light and a temporary cessation in the rustling sound (though the frequency of agonized squeaking picks up sharply. In the fading glow he spots some of the room's late occupants: three dead, bloated, scabrous rats. And their soda machine. And their furniture. The usual.
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Very well. It's not as smart as the HoverCam, so if it's not keeping up with you or you just need to keep it away from... gustatory harm, just give it a shove." A luminous plastic sphere slowly descends from the station's collapsed first floor, settling into place just above the HoverCam. It illuminates the immediate room and the dead rats adjacent, but not much else. Everbright: The lantern that burns half as bright burns over 20 times as long, or your money back. Sven hurdles over the log, rushing headlong into the still-quite-dark northeast corridor. It's still pretty dark in there. He doesn't see a damn thing. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Why is he in such a hurry to get back into darkness? You cannot crush in the shadows!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Maybe all that greenery is some kind of photosensitive fungus, Korgar. It's entirely possible that the not-very-powerful yet extremely reliable illumination of the Everbright XL may be harming Mr. Callahan." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Nothing good thrives in the darkness!" Esperansita sidles along the wall, stealthily sneaking into the rat room that's being illuminated by the Everbright and recently riddled with bullets. She is being so sneaky. 17 is not remotely adequate to compensate for the conditions here. It may seem like 9 more overgrown rats are staring right at her, but this is illusion. The bipedal badger waving around a cat-o'-nine-tails is too silly to credit, as is the bear-sized sloth dangling from the ceiling. On the upside, they have a really nice billiards table. "Who are you", the badger shrieks, "to penetrate the throne/break room of Tsar Mameluk the Puissant?! |
"I am unable to see anything! The darkness is too great!"
He hears some squealing emanating from the door behind him. "There is no need to shriek, small elf man! Dinosaur and I are mighty warriors!" |
ARJLKAGALGJALKGAGHEUAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Kickpunch grips the log in his mighty jaws and drags it into the south room, ripping it from it's puny rope and causing a mighty ruckus. ROAGHOAGHAAAAAAGHGHAGHOAGH Eat the log Intimidate on Badger 16 + 8 = 24 Get the Flash Player to play this audio file: |
Rufus was already growing slightly frustrated with his Xpedition companions. But this is how it always went - everybody picks on the little guy until they get to something that actually might require a little bit of skill, and then stands around looking silly while said little guy solved the puzzle or whatever needed doing, then took all the credit, ran through the door, and fell straight into the spike trap. Rufus may not have been a fan of all the posturing, but there was nothing better than a pair of angry giants to distract a target. Hopefully he could keep at least one of them alive.
Hoping that the cyborg doesn't get too many slivers in his stomach, Rufus moves into a position where he can see into the south room, behind the dinosaur. |
Hearing the unmistakable sounds of an angry dinosaur, Sven stomps toward the south room to investigate what his cohorts were getting up to.
"Nobody smashes without Sven!" |
As silently as she slide into the room, Mamara realizes what she's stepped into, and promptly thinks of sliding back out. That sloth in particular looks like it would gladly shred her to pieces.
"Oh! So sorry to disturb your little gathering, I see you've got a lot to do here so I'll just see myself out. That is, unless you would be in need of something from this magnificent selection of exquisite flip-cooking implements?" She takes out her pack of spatulas and shows it to the gathered beasts, but she is promptly interrupted by the Dino-bot with his log-eating showmanship. Thinking it would be best to stand at the ready, she takes the show spatulas in one hand while discreetly using her whipping hand to take out her trusty weapon, in case this turns into a bloody whipping contest with the badger. |
The door lay in tatters and before Murderson could react, the woman had the temerity to rush past him, violating the holy laws on women staying 12 steps behind their betters at all time, women passing within 3 paces of a holy warrior and women not knowing the god damn place.
His choleric state was in no way helped by the revealing of a room full of the basest mutants. There was no time for thought, the prophet demanded action and holy retribution. Screaming his hate into the air in the guise of some handy product placement, he took the only action his faith would allow and charged into the room, detonator primed. ABDUUUUUUUUUUUUL ACKBAR!! The result was as predictable as it was messy. The prophet would be pleased. Run into the middle of the room, detonate vest |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "What's this? Murderson has EXPLODED!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "For a mighty warrior, to explode in righteous fury is not—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "No, no. Literally. There's his trachea. Wow." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Folks, this may be the fastest death in URBX history." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Sorry to break in, Korgar, but we can't be sure of that until we know whether the portal to the Plane of Endless Knives in Season 3's Woolworths Xpedition slaughtered the Iron Brigade instantaneously, or 'excruciatingly, over a million endless years of torment'. Attempts to reach the Woolworths bile demon for clarification have, as yet, gone unanswered." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Still pretty fast, though!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Looks like that badger does not like being spattered with viscera, Korgar. That explosion has given Melancholy of Perfection the element of surprise, but let's see how they fare when they're already a man down!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Make that three men! The blast took out a couple of rats, but it looks like Callahan and Crushdick were too big to dodge. They're in no shape to fight." Crap, dude 31 damage to Crushdick (Dyin'), 36 damage to Sven (Dyin'), 31 damage to rats BCGH (bloodied, prone), 42 damage to rats DE (dead), 31 damage to Tsar Mameluk (bloodied, prone) http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Thorolfsson doesn't seem to be able to stay on his feet either." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "He's really struggling with his gear, you'd think that gun was made of solid lead." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Why does that giant sloth look so smug?" Sloth's Gravity Acceleration on Rufus: Crit! 17 damage, and Rufus prone. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The badger and his rat kingdom are still shaking off the blast. The Suck Queen's having no trouble dodging those rat bites." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "If anybody does any biting tonight, it's going to be her." Rat bites on Esperansita: both miss. Mameluk and other rats just recover from prone. Rats AC 13 Fort 13 Ref 11 Will 9 Badger AC 17 Fort 14 Ref 14 Will 15 Sloth AC 18 Fort 14 Ref 16 Will 15 :savepoint: Rufus 14, Murderson 10 (save vs exploded), Kickpunch 9 (save vs death), Esperansita 6, Sven 5 (save vs death), Sloth 27, Rats 20, Badger 19 |
Rufus was beginning to regret his decision to go into URBX. Sure, it was a good challenge for his skills, sure the pay was good, but it also meant that he had to try to work together with the kind of people who decided to go into URBX.
Stand up second wind Lodestone Lure vs. nearest rat 14 vs. Fortitude is a hit. 12 damage should be enough for a kill. |
Sven charges into the break room just in time to see the screaming demon octopus thing disappear in radiant light and thunder. For fractions of a second, the mighty giant stared in wonder as the shockwave neared him. Closer. Closer.
Then he vanished. In his place appeared a mess of fluid and meaty chunks which were, in turn, roasted by the expanding blaze. Sven reappeared behind the blast wave in the center of the room, hammer held high and ready for smashing. Reflexive teleport on Shin's righteous explosion. "SVEN IS NOT CRUSHED SO EASILY! HAHAHA!" |
The sudden downpour of the avenger's guts and brains doesn't faze Esperansita so much as the fact that she realistically will not get the chance to tease him until he cracks. Still, it may have been better that she didn't seeing how volatile he turned out to be.
She snaps her whip effortlessly at the bloodied rat next to her. Vampire slam at bloodied rat 12+4+3+8+do+I+really+need+to+do+this+hello+overkil l=Hit! 10+4+1=15 Damage If the rat survives he's pushed back one Shift to G7 As the whip retracts gracefully to her hand while adding parts of the rat's jugular to the mess in the room, Mamara retreats into the Hallway. She starts scrapping away at her shape-enhancingly tight catsuit, working at a particular chunk that just doesn't seem to want to come off. |
...Ruaghuagh?
Good thing I have that roll or 10 vs death thing. Small gurgling noises emanate from the dinosaur. He makes a mental note to solve this problem in a very dinosaur like fashion in short order. |
Murderson attempted to pull himself together.
Edit: And stop dying. Edit 2: Just rolling out the 1's for you guys. |
"Hahaha! Did not hurt!"
Though Sven avoided harm, the attempt still made him angry. Who dared cause Sven's companion to almost blow Sven up? Rats and badger and sloth dared. Rats and badger and sloth would pay. With smashing. He deftly stepped to his left and swung with all his might at the badger's face. "I will show you why this hammer has Strength of Bull™!" Move: Shift to L11; if I can't slightly push the puny folding card table with my leg or whatever at the same time, then shift to K11 instead. Minor: Stone's endurance. Standard: Savage juggernaut rage on the badger. Hit: 6 + 5 + 1 + 2 + 8 = 22 vs. AC (17) Damage: (5 + 6) + (9 + 6) + 5 + 1 = 32 |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "We're getting some interference... correction! Callahan is fine, despite being in the center of the explosion!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That makes no sense!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Shhhh." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "But he was on the other end of the room! Even if... nobody could have survived, let alone—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Shhhhhhhh. Viewers, URBX wants to assure you that everything you'll see tonight has a rational explanation. Retrocausality is a myth circulated by enemies of the state. Time is a linear progression of events that cannot be tampered with." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "It just ain't right, though." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ooh! Thorolfsson's just magnetically pulled a rat's skeleton out of its body. He doesn't look happy with the way things are going for his team." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Yes! Embrace your bloodlust!" Rat H dead as hell http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Looks like big 'n scaly ain't gettin' up." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Murderson isn't recovering either." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "He was reduced to cat food!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "When you put it that way, Lydia, recovery seems a lot further away for this competitor. But he has a real fighting spirit." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Had. And Mamara's brandishing a whip against an animal the size of a housecat. She's really dedicated to this gimmick." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I had my doubts about the practicality of a whip as a serious weapon, but Mamara's shown that it's perfectly effective against small, relatively harmless vermin." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Ain't nothin' wrong with a whip. If it's a problem you can't solve with a whippin', t'ain't a real problem. That's what daddy said." 15 damage to applied to Rat I instead since Rat H was already thoroughly deboned. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And now that poker game is ruined." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "That dead rat was sittin' on a pair of kings, too. Hate to see a good hand go to waste, even when you take into account rats don't know how to bluff." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Also, the dealer's brains are all over the wall now. You focus on the strangest things, Lydia." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, you see one badger brain, you've seen 'em all." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "You've seen a badger brain?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Whole nest of 'em up in the attic back in spring, the nasty ones with the fire breath and the spikes. Had to buy a new weed whacker after that." Tsar Mameluk quite thoroughly dead. Sven's Rage Murderometer ticks up to 1. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The rats are furious! They don't give a damn about Callahan's defensive posture, they're just tearing him to ribbons!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "One of them's followed Mamara off-camera. Ooh, sounds like the biting is on the other foot today!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The biting is on the other foot? Really?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Oh, like you're a poet. Elven agility is saving Thorolfsson from the swarm, but they've practically got him penned in." 15 total damage to Sven (bloodied), 15 crit damage to Esperansita (bloodied), no damage to Rufus (his AC is absurd) :savepoint: Rufus 14, Murderson 10 (save vs exploded, dyin'), Kickpunch 9 (save vs dyin'), Esperansita 6, Sven 5, Sloth 27, Rats 20 |
Rufus weaves among the rats, wondering at modern technology. Rats with metallic skeletons. What would they think of next? He yanks at another rat, wondering if alloy bone replacement was common among rats living in these dungeons. If so, Rufus' life would get a lot easier.
Lodestone Lure vs. rat G. 8 damage to rat. Use Hyperactive. No overcharge. New initiative is 18 :( Rufus is too fast for his own good. If rat is dead, shift to G11, take cover behind log from the jerk with the gravity powers. |
Murderson basked in the adulation of his fellow martyrs.
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Kickpunch is reminded of a song he heard once. In his youth. Somewhere far away. Somewhere filled with happiness and clever girls.
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As the blood starts flowing from her body, The Suck Queen's eyes light up with a sort of desire that could only be appropriately described in one of those women's novels with big, most probably well-endowed men on the cover holding a helpless but willing lass in their arms.
Regenerate 4 health from vampirism Vampire Slam vs. Rat F CRIT BABY 15 damage to Rat F Blood Drinker activated REVERSE CRIT BABY 1 extra damage to Rat F recover 2 extra HP This isn't working out at all fuck Move to J11 By way of I8 and J row so as to avoid extra OAs ACTION POINT BABY! Dark Swarm Confused blast with burst nevermind the attacks on the top rats, sloth and bottom rats still take damage though Damage is 19 to those affected (Rat B and Sloth, not sure if the crit to Rat B makes the damage higher or not) I'M INVISIBLE BABY! As she swirls around the battlefield like a woman possessed, the Suck Queen comes to a stop next to the last known location of the insane Tiefling. Hiding behind the shadows she's created, she looks down at the ground to see an appendage left behind by the Avenger. What at first looks like a finger soon reveals itself to be something much more to her liking, and she pours her No Scabs! liquid bandage kit over this piece of the avenger's body, stroking it vigorously and emphatically in hopes of keeping it alive a little bit longer. Such a cute, tiny little thing. She then nestles it on her well-endowed chest and whispers to it softly: "C'mon honey, I know you can handle a little thing like being blown up and all across the room. I know you want to come back to me baby, don't leave me here all alone with these bad, bad monsters!" Who could resist that kind of sweet talk? And does Mamara feel no shame at taunting the avenger even when he is in no (single) position to defend himself? |
The dinosaur vomits all over his little corner of the room.
|
Sven takes a step back and catches sight of what was left of the angriest teammate in the neighbourhood in a small pile on the floor, chastising him for his laziness.
"What is wrong, small horned man? If you cannot stand heat, stay out of explosion! You are not puny and weak, like small elf man, are you? Hahaha!" Minor: Second wind. Move: Shift to K11. Standard: Heal on the pile of ground beef that was Murderson, making him use his second wind. 7 + 10 = 17 vs. DC 10 |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The elf's getting all... blurry. What's wrong with him?"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Ugh, the HoverCam's trying to track him, now everything's blurry. This team is a production nightmare, Korgar." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Well, there goes another rat skeleton, hopefully it'll switch focus... yes!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Murderson still dead?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, for lack of a body we can't be totally certain, but I would say... 95% certainty, ROB." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "I'll have some interns get started on the paperwork. How's the lizard?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Ehhh." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Guys, I hate to break up your shop talk, but rats are exploding into gruesome clouds of blood." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "What the hell, where did all those bats come from?!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I don't know! She was just snacking on a rat or two, then she starts unzipping the front of her jumpsuit, and—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Ugh." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Ugh." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Ugh." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Ain't right." Rats B and F quite dead. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, Crushdick's alive enough to vomit, looks like." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Heh, guess Malboro didn't give him an iron stomach." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Ha ha! Callahan is taunting the dead tiefling! I knew I liked him." Murderson now at 5 HP, but still quite exploded. Keep on savin' for that. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Tha's right, go on and laugh. Sloth don't care. Sloth bites you all the same." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "The giant sloth has bitten Callahan. That's quite graphic. Look at all those bone shards." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "And adding insult to injury, one of the rats has taken out his Achilles tendon. He's going down!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "It can't be easy to keep your footing in that pile of slippery guts." 17 damage from gravity bite, 13 damage from rat bite. Sven KOed. :savepoint: Rufus 18, Rufus 14, Murderson 10 (save vs exploded), Kickpunch 9 (save vs dyin'), Esperansita 6, Sven 5 (save vs dyin'), Sloth 27, Rats 20 |
Rufus turns away from the rat, moving to the other side of Kickpunch's prone form. The rat gets a piece of his leg, but Rufus just ignores the pain. As he reaches the far side of the prone reptile, Rufus spots the problem almost immediately - the blast has blown part of the metal casing on Kickpunch's back off, and knocked a fuse loose. Rufus pushes the fuse back into its proper place, and the dinosaur's mechanical parts hum back to life.
Turn 1 Minor: Hunter's quarry rat A Move to G13 (Opportunity Attack (ouch)) Heal check on Kickpunch... succeeds (i think) Amazed at how much time he still seems to have, Rufus spins the chamber of the .357, stopping it to select a fire round, and fires off a shot into the rat which bit him. Ready to fire again should the rat approach, Rufus feels for the skeletons of the other two remaining rats, and attempts to pull them away from his other allies. Sadly, neither one seems to notice. Turn 2 Warning Shot (fire elemental) vs. rat A 10 damage. Cover G11. Two minors - Lodestone lure on rats C and I. Both miss. |
Murderson had finished his complimentary martyrs drink and was floating gracefully towards the very inviting gates, behind which he could plainly see a huge cluster of what he supposed, technically was certainly an unending vista of virgins.
It was hard to make out details with all the cables lying around and the cacophonus din caused by an unending field of games consoles but he could see a lot of glasses, a lot of pimples and a lot of ginger hair. The bastards, he thought. Trust a higher power to fuck you over with technicalities. This was exactly the kind of crap that wouldn't have happened on his watch, when he found that duplicitous, elephant headed fuck Ganesha he was going to have some serious words. Just as he was pondering his next move and imagining all the extremely violent ways he was going to get some shit done round here, he felt a not entirely pleasant sucking sensation and dropped suddenly, travelling what could only be the entire length of the universe in an instant. He saw a white light below him and tried desperately to avoid it but his path was as inevitable as it was sudden. With a lurch, he re-entered his body and returned to the world of the living. His ire was terrible and he needed to kill someone, something, anything. He reached for his sword and saw what looked suspiciously like his arm grasping about, a clear 6 feet away in front of him. The realisation that he was scattered all over a fairly large room was surprisingly familiar. With an internal sigh, he set about reconstituting his body. At least he wasn't buried under a couple of iconic skyscrapers this time, he'd got out of worse scrapes than this... |
Ubagbluag!
Move: get up from prone
Minor: Inspiring Word on self. 7+6 = 13 HP Standard: Lift up Log with MIGHTY JAWS and hurl it further into the room.
Log headed towards K13 to K15. Misses Esperansita, see attached diagram for vector Since it didn't take a check to lift it earlier, I hope the 9 plus whatever modifier you feel like using is enough to throw it that far. I'll let you figure out whatever the hit and damage on this is |
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Esperansita Barely notices the log flying by her head, occupied as she is with a little matter of her own. As she is cradling the small (yet significant to his repressed identity) part of the avenger's remains, she feels it starting to pulse, and she swears she can see it grow ever so slightly.
"Well now, it seems you'll be alright after all. Come back and see me once you've gotten the rest of your act together, and maybe I'll show you why they call me the Suck Queen." With just a little peck on his head, she puts down her (very) little friend and turns her attention to the other recently incapacitated member of her team. "Where would this team be without me? You, Sloth, gimme a hand here!" Move to H12, I'm invisible so no OA Vitality Transfer on Sloth 19+4+1 = 24 Hit! Sloth Weakened until the end of my next turn As she takes a step back, the Succubus purses her lips and starts hauling in air in a quite vectorial fashion, aimed at a hairy part of the sloth that would make for funnily captionned pictures aplenty. The sloth actually seems to enjoy this, and it takes out a cigarette from who knows where once the juice stops flowing, puffing away and seeming content. As the stream of juice comes to Mamara's mouth, she gurgles it a moment before spitting it into the half open mouth of the hairy beast lying on the floor. It looks like she's had some practice with this kind of fluid transfer before. almost looks like a strawberry cheesecake, what with the wistfully hypnotic swirl of crimson and pearly white. Or maybe one of those peppermint candies. Mmmm. Esperansita LOOOOOOVES peppermint. Sven Gains 4 HP from *ahem* vitality *ahem* transfered |
Sven wakes with a start, "Hahahaughkhahckclughhhhh," his booming laugh cut short by coughing and sputtering as he unsteadily climbs to his feet. Why did he taste mint?
Move: Stand up. Feeling a little groggy after his nap, he extends his arms to his sides and gets in a nice, good, morning stretch. Standard: Lashing creepers on Rat I/Sloth. 7 + 3 + 1 (+1 from rage?) = 11 or 12 vs. Reflex (11/16) Damage: 8 + 3 + 1 = 12 to Rat I Still feeling like his muscles were a little tight, Sven engages in a couple of quick jumping jacks, hammer in hand, to warm things up and really get himself feeling limber. Action point. Standard: Batter down on Sloth. 17 + 5 + 2 + 1 = 25 vs AC (18) Damage: (4 + 6) + (9 + 6) + 5 + 1 = 31 Sloth knocked prone. ...and then yawned, "Urrrrnnnnnnnnghhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" Free: War cry, sloth pushed right one square. All right. Now he was ready to get back into action! |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Overwatch is just furious at those rats."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Thanks to HoverCam HD, we can see every bulging forehead vein as Thorolfsson futilely wills those rats to explode. Remember, if you're not watching URBX in Huge Definition, you're only seeing half the adventure." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Look! Murderson's left arm is twitching! Is it time for this explosive combatant to make a — ah. Rigor mortis. False alarm, people. And Crushdick's up and throwing logs! He's not a competitor with a lot of finesse." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "What the fuck is Mamara doing?! Can we show that?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "It's definitely in violation of several territorial ethics codes. Looks like the Texicans are getting another rerun!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "What? That damned harlot has ruined my debut! I'll be right back, I have to... check on something." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Ha ha, tonight's DJ is furious! I wouldn't be surprised if things started going downhill for this team very soon, Lydia — for totally unrelated reasons, of course." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Considering the nature of Callahan's revival, he might end up being happy to die." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "He seems happy to be alive right now! He just flattened that sloth without even noticing." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And the rats are running scared! Melancholy of Perfection have survived their first real fight on the Copper level. I have my doubts about how long a team this badly prepared can survive, but while they do they're definitely never going to be boring." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "See, Murderson's getting up! He's fine!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "What in the thrice-cursed name of the basest denizens of—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Time for a word from our wonderful sponsors. We'll be back in 3 with more of the irresponsible violence you crave." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/bigbill_t.png "FUCK YOU, INDIANAPOLIS! IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO BUY A NEW CAR THIS WEEKEND—" Victory! Health restored, new alpha mutations applied. |
Murderson focussed his will and used his fingers to drag what was left of his arm towards his body. Once that was vaguely attached, he set to work drawing together all the important squishy bits. Mortal physiology was so unneccesarily complicated, the effort made his teeth itch, especially the one embedded in the door frame.
It took a couple of minutes for him to start resembling a body again and another couple before he was able to sit up, by which time the rest of team had finished off the last of the rats. The Tiefling actually felt pretty good, if strangely violated and he jumped to his feet. The infidels had been justly smited and the woman appeared to be suitably distanced from the men of the group so for the time being, all was ok with the world. He knew it wouldn't last though and he gathered his gear, noting with some disappointment that his Abdul special would be unlikely to be of any further use. |
As the tiefling makes himself whole again, Mamara snickers to herself, purposefully keeping her distance from him so as to not arouse any suspicion from him just yet.
She heads over to the remains of the badger to see if the whip it almost wielded against them is anything good. |
Looking straight at the HoverCam, Kickpunch drew and lit an entire pack of smokes. Making extra sure to rock it brand label out, for all to see.
He then inhaled gracefully...and sucked all 12 cigs straight down his trachea. He approaches the bodacious beer keg in the corner, and head butts it lightly, testing to see if there is any quality adult beverage remaining. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/bigbill_t.png "—OR YOU'RE A DEAD MOTHERFUCKER! GO TO HELL!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/maiz_t.png "Tired of wasting time trying to commit suicide with tools that never work? There's nothing more frustrating than trying to kill yourself with a dull knife. Hi, Gilly Grey here—" The badger's cat-o'-nine-tails looks more or less just as dangerous as the whip Esperansita already has. There's an odd little empty socket in the handle, though, and, of course, the Mameluk monogram on the wrist strap. The keg stands empty, toppling over with a hollow thud as Kickpunch prods it with his thick skull. A quick glance at the sloth's bloated gut reveals the culprit. Sloths. Typical. |
Feeling altogether more himself again, Murderson checked the south west corner of the room to see if it was an exit, an alcove or just a weirdly drawn bit of the map.
On his way across the room, he stooped and picked up the small, metal plate that was the only visible bit of his bomb vest left and knowing that cash almost certainly ruled everything around him, used a sizeable blob of rat viscera to fix the plate onto the side of his rifle. It wasn't exactly product placement in the traditional sense but it wouldn't do his chances of picking up a new vest any harm. |
Growling at the empty keg, kickpunch moved on to the next most obvious place to search.
He rips the door of the fridge off with his mighty jaws and scopes what's inside. |
"It is good that you have decided to not die, small horned man! Perhaps if you could only explode foes in future encounters that would be also good!"
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/maiz_t.png "—a vast waste of oxygen and you smell. But it gets even better! Your entire family wishes you were dead. Even your dog! So kill yourself right now. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "And we're back! Looks like Melancholy of Perfection are still picking through the debris. While we're waiting for them to get into trouble, why don't we check in with Steve "Jawsome" Fernandez at URBX Operational Headquarters in Destroyed and find out about tonight's other Xpeditions. How are tonight's competitors faring, Steve?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/jawsome_t.png "Korgar, I've got some bad news. As you know, most of the Great Lakes region is being hammered by a brutal blizzard right now, and Destroyed is no exception. Consequently, very few of our live feeds are stable right now. To make things worse, our air conditioning refuses to shut off and temperatures here in the URBX Analysis Lab are well below freezing. But our competitors can put up with a little hardship for the fans, and so can we. Again, the weather is making reports a little sketchy, but here's what we do know. Shotgun Appreciation Society out of Pitts is doing well clearing out a dilapidated mall in Surprise, Arizona. True to form, DJ Dark Irony predicated no surprises for this squad, and that's what we've seen. Huntsville's Subtle Piledrivers aren't doing well in Yujeen tonight. The abandoned steel mill is doing nothing to help this all-reptile southern squad adapt to north Pacific weather. At least one confirmed fatality thanks to some very rusty ladders. This could be a career-making night for DJ Ferrovore. Finally, This Is Not A Drill is making record time during their hometown Xpedition in Buflo, despite unusual tension between the squad and DJ Drill Kill. Not a scratch on them, apparently. The Lab will keep you up to date with these and tonight's other delves as information comes in. For the URBX Analysis Lab, I'm Steve Fernandez. Korgar, Lydia, back to you. I'm going to find myself some hot cocoa." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Hang in there, Steve!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Isn't Steve cold-blooded? I hope they're taking care of themselves over there." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Don't you worry. If the Charon Incursion didn't take URBX off the air, we're certainly not going to knuckle under to a little hypothermia." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Looks like Crushdick's raiding the fridge! Not normally a dangerous thing to do, but judging by his behavior so far tonight I don't doubt he can find a way to make it lethal." Murderson finds another decaying door in the southwest corner of the room. Crushdick pops open the puny little fridge, finding it stocked with about 80 single-serving boxes of chocolate milk, a half-eaten bowl of Commander Crisp, and a partially-defrosted slab of unidentifiable purple meat. And some wilted lettuce in the crisper, of course. |
Kickpunch's face lights up. Or as lit up as a Dinosaur gets, rather. It sort of looks like a grin, but then you recall that dinosaurs have no emotions. Only eating.
He takes all the chocolate milk and throws them into his pack. |
A door, how refreshingly unoriginal. Still, where there was forward progress there were sinners in need of enlightenment and had not the prophet said "The path of truth is hidden behind the doors of fact"? This certainly looked like a factual door so Murderson gave it a hefty kick, still too irate about his recent re-incarnation to waste time with subtlety.
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If Rufus' experiences thus far this evening had taught him nothing else, it was that trying to guide the rest of his team on any safe route was going to be an immensely difficult task. He had planned on sticking ahead of the rest of the team, but it was becoming apparent that that wouldn't be possible no matter how hard he tried.
He proceeded to check around for any traps, spinning a spare round on his finger to amuse himself for a moment before replacing the spent casing from his weapon. |
Sven bench presses the pool table to stay pumped.
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A cat-o-nine-tails. How refreshing.
Though she's left her dominatrix act behind in choosing to become an URBX competitor, Mamara decides to take it along anyway. She inspects the empty socket, and she tries to remember her previous field of work for any items that might be useful to stick in there. Esoterica(?) check on the whip 16+9=25 And the ad delivery gun is out again. After all, if she doesn't find anything of worth in this dungeon, she can at least count on her sponsor compensating her for a job well sold. Take out Tee cannon |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "It may seem like Crushdick is just being gluttonous here, but milk can be a useful strategic tool against several lethal URBX hazards. Invisible stalkers, for example. Not so invisible when they're drenched in milk!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Then they go home to wash off the milk, right? They've got to take a shower. That's when they're vulnerable! Unplug their freezer, steal their car, plant some dust in their suitcase, set fire to their cat. Milk is just the first step in a truly thorough counterattack. That's how you teach them not to fuck with you." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I, uh..." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Overwatch has spotted another trap, but Murderson's feeling cocky after his miraculous survival and just takes out another door with caution to the wind. Good thing that hinge was so rusty." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "On the other hand, if that scythe had taken his head off, he'd probably just stick it back on. Looks like a choice of two routes south from this corridor." Trap spotted, door kicked, trap sprung, trap insufficiently lethal to result in instant death so it doesn't matter, wheeeeeee. Smells are wafting from the southern corridors. Old urine. Lavender. Sven immediately pockets the 8 ball. He is the worst at Inverted Blind Gravity Pool. The worst. Yes, I forgot to move his token next to the pool table before taking the snapshot. Cope. Mamara reckons you could stick a big marble in there. Or an ordinary-sized Ben Wa. Or anything roughly spherical really. Not that it would be useful as such. Unless it was, like, a magical Ben Wa, and those are highly illegal pretty much everywhere since that incident with the explosive runes. |
The demon kicked in the door and narrowly avoided losing his head to the crude trap. Whereas this would inspire caution in many, it served only to fuel Murderson's anger. Rifle in hand, he rounded the corner, ready to unleash a hail of righteous fury into what or whoever might reveal themselves.
Move west a bit and see what's cracking |
Do a flying dinosaur jump kick through the door Murderson just went through, coming to a flying dinosaur stop right behind him. |
Roll eyes. Follow fools and attempt to keep them from killing themselves.
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"Friends! I do not know if you heard me counting, but I did over a thousand!"
Sven sets the table back on the ground and climbs to his feet, grabbing his hammer. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, that first passage looks impassable. Huge slab of granite blocking the way. Maybe there's something worth protecting down there!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "And the next passage... what is that thing? Folks, the head of some huge beast has blocked off the second passage south. Good thing it's asleep!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Asleep?! Tarnation!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "It looks like our competitors will need pickaxes, or maybe some explosives." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "What they really need is some way to deal with that thing when it wakes up!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That's what I said." |
The marble sized hole looks like it could very well house a certain souvenir she had kept from her last meeting with Zarba! the great and mystical Wizard when he had neglected to pay her for her services on their last few "dates". Too bad she had left it in her jar room with the rest of her hardly won late payment keepsakes.
She brings the whip along nonetheless, as she figures she might be able to extract something during the dungeon crawl which would fit the bill. Mamara moves up to the hallway, but upon seeing the cramped condition her teammates are in, she decides to wait just inside the entertainment room. Stand one north of hallway, between poker table and wall. |
His explosives all used up, there was no immediately obvious way for Murderson to get past the granite slab and anyway, the beast was surely guilty of numerous sins and slaying it with holy fury was his sworn duty. Had the prophet not written "He who snoozeth doth lose"?
Returning to the games room, the Tiefling picked up the bench and carried it back to the corridor with the sleeping beast. No cleaning job they say is too powerful for Cilit Bang! Stand aside you whoremongering bretheren of flea-ridden latrine diggers. He paused to load a full clip of Cilit Bang Acid Burst Ammo (Guaranteed to get rid of all stains both inside and out). In an entirely uncharacteristic display of self-restraint, he then edged down the corridor towards the monster as slowly as he could, trying not to wake the creature or set off any more traps that might line the route. Once he got close enough, he dived forward, ramming the bench between the slumbering monstrosity's jaws, wedging them opening. The bench in place, he swung round and in a smooth movement, brought his rifle to bear, screaming an ululating cry to the heavens as he emptied the clip into the gaping maw blocking their route. Grab bench, sidle down the corridor being all stealthy and shit looking out for traps, wedge bench in monster's mouth. shoot lots |
RAAUGHAGH?
It's not often that milk has a purpose so soon after it's procurement. Crushdick approaches the slab, and takes out half of his stashed moo juice containers. Opening them and pouring their contents around the edge of the slab. He then proceeds to headbutt it several times, trying to gain access to the wonders beyond. Lubricate slab with 40 containers of chocolate milk. Attempt to dislodge slab with cranium. |
Sven heads west through the door and sees his therapodian compatriot attempting to batter his way through an enormous stone slab. If there was one thing Sven excelled at it, it was anything involving strength, agility, or coordination. Okay, so that was a lot of things. But battering was one of those things.
As Kickpunch, head lowered, repeatedly rams himself into the wall, Sven swings his hammer over top of the dinosaur to assist in pummeling the stone. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Milk as a lubricant? That never works."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Never? You sound like you've looked into this pretty thoroughly." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "...I'm just guessing. Probably." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Well, you guessed wrong, because that slab of rock is giving way under Kickpunch's unending cranial assault." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Archaeologists have said that Kickpunch's people were extinct prior to the Mistake, and I always wondered what could have wiped out such powerful creatures. But now I know. Head trauma." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The relatively small brains of the dinosaurs leave no room for abstract concepts like impulse control or self-preservation. Their crushing powers are unhampered by the weaknesses of civilized men." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Murderson is also unhampered by self-preservation, it seems. All the bullets and screaming certainly woke that monster up. It's backing up into a bigger room... it's a kobold mining party!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Kobolds aren't brave on their best days, but they know how to capitalize on a numerical advantage and that's definitely the situation here. A full dozen of them, plus that monster? I hope Murderson has a better plan here than he had the last time." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Crushdick and Callahan have broken through, and they've run straight into the same mess. They can't be happy with this." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Any man who knows how to crush is happy when he sees some kobolds, Lydia." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kobosoldier_t.png "Intruders!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "They have awakened the sleeper!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.png "Tell my wife I loved her!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kobosoldier_t.png "You have no wife, Kyle." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.png "Tell my Malibu Stacy that I loved her!" ---- http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kobosoldier_t.png Kobold Guards: HP 36, AC 18, Fort 14, Reflex 13, Will 13 http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png Kobold Engineers: HP 24, AC 13, Fort 12, Reflex 14, Will 12 http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/rancor_t.png Rancor: HP 88, AC 15, Fort 17, Reflex 14, Will 14 (HP at 80 after Murderson shot it in the face while it slept.) http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.pngKobold Miners: HP 1, AC 15, Fort 12, Reflex 14, Will 12 :savepoint: Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22, Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14, Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3 Rufus is standing in total darkness at O6 |
Rufus is unable to do anything to prevent either disaster from occurring, as both the Tiefling and the Dinosaur manage to do something incredibly stupid at exactly the same time. Hurrying down the hallway after the destruction caused by Kickpunch, Rufus sizes up the situation, spins the chamber of his weapon, and fires an ice round at the monstrous creature in the middle of the room.
move to V6 mark Rancor with Hunter's Quarry Fire Warning Shot. So much hit. double anti-crit! 9 damage. Target X4 with secondary |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That bullet came out of nowhere!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Not nowhere, just Overwatch blindfiring over Callahan's shoulder. The beast was barely winged, but it's still an impressive act of marksmanship." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Some of those kobolds are bringing shotguns to bear!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You see shotguns, I see rusty pipes held together with a bunch of elastic bands." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "Fire your glue rounds, boys. If we can keep 'em stuck in that tunnel we're safe as houses." 11 damage to Murderson, immobilized (save ends) 7 damage to Callahan, immobilized (save ends) :savepoint: Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14, Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22 |
Crushdick has none of this. None. Nothing roars louder than him. He wouldn't allow it. Reaching into his pack, his robo-dino appendages grasped some of his leftover snacks. Minor: Arm self with two, one pound, one-handed light beef missiles. Free: Drop 1 more pound on Callahan's sticky feet. He glances downward, and almost sheds a single massive, manly dino tear. It hurts to waste perfectly good flanks of mutated super cow that he got from that prison so many years ago. But he was saving it, like a good wine, for such a perfect occasion. This might as well count. If Crushdick knew anything about Rancors, it was they stopped what they were doing for any quick bite. Happened to a Gamorrean friend of his once. A shame. He was planning on eating that guy himself. Standard: Twin Strike (with beef) versus Engineers A and B. 19 + 7 = 26 vs 13, hit. 5 damage. COVERED IN BEEFY STEAK AURA. 16 + 7 = 23 vs 13, hit. 6 damage. COVERED IN BEEFY STEAK AURA. What used to be a delicious (if... well aged) cut turned into ground chuck upon hitting the engineer in the face. But Crushdick could smell it from here. He's sure the Rancor would have an even tougher time resisting those Kobold pops. |
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As Crushdick ruefully flings away part of his prized meat cache, one of the many cranial implants in the cyborg dinosaur's head crackles to life. Oddly familiar voices reverberate in his skull.
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/tech04_t.png "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a Code Indigo. Subject has thrown the meat." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/tech03_t.png "Confirmed. We have meat throw." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/tech02_t.png "We've had to make a lot of sacrifices, but we finally made it. He threw the meat. He finally threw the meat!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/tech05_t.png "Champagne, anyone?" ----- http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "What a waste of good meat." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "How good could it be? It's been sitting in his pack for hours at the very least!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "ALL MEAT IS GOOD MEAT." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "I smell so delicious! It's makin' me crazy!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kobosoldier_t.png "Boys, we have to act fast. If we don't get these maniacs out of here before Jeremy eats himself, then we're going to end up in some real trouble." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.png "We have to take down their meatlord! Without meat support they'll fall like dominoes!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "These kobolds are fearless! They're just charging through Thorolfsson's suppressing fire!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That pickaxe swing had a lot of momentum behind it, for sure. I don't know a lot about saurian anatomy, but I don't think Crushdick's knees are supposed to bend that way." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "The Ayatollah certainly seems unhappy with his new patellar configuration." 19 (!) damage to Crushdick from Guard A's Dirty Tactics; immobile 1 round and bloodied 6 damage to Guard C from Rufus' Warning Shot 12 damage to Murderson from Guard C's Dirty Tactics; bloodied and uh well he's already got a stronger immobilizer on him so no effect there http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "The beast smells my savory goodness! All is doom!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.png "Our traps are still in place! The eater will be brought to heel!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "The monster's stepped on some kind of pressure plate. Common in kobold lairs." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Wow! A man-sized boulder just rocketed out of that western wall!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Just flew right through between the legs, though. That monster has a wide stance." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Off it goes into the darkness. I hope there's some baddie back there with a face full of rock!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That kobold has an impressively shrill scream. We apologize to any viewers needing to replace their speakers." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "IT HURTS SO MUCH! MY ONLY REGRET IS THAT I WAS NOT ABLE TO BITE MYSELF FIRST!" Boulder trap misses Rancor, flies off who knows where 16 damage to Engie B from Rancor bite, bloodied http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.png "Throw rocks at them! Rocks aren't delicious at all, so they're the natural enemy of meatlords!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I wish I could say that this is the first URBX event to feature the repeated use of the word 'meatlord'. I truly wish I could say that." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Harry 'Meatlord' Malone was one of URBX's finest. Still, he went out the way he always wanted." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "The loss of profit on that pastrami recall was astronomical." 4 damage to Sven from Miner A's rock 4 damage to Sven from Miner C's rock (bloodied) 4 acid damage to Guard A, Crushdick, and Rufus from Sven bleeding on them :savepoint: Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22, Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14 |
What's that sound? is that the sound of her team in over their heads again?
Double move to get behind Murderson With her ability to see in the dark, Mamara has no problem walking the tunnels to get up nice and close behind the Tiefling. "hiya hon!" She says as she slides her hand over his shoulder and onto his chest. "Can't move huh? Well don't worry, I've had this effect on men before, and it doesn't turn me off a bit. To be honest, I think it's kind of cute. You might wanna take care of that gash though, you're losing a lot of precious fluids." She's whispering in his ear now... ""Fuck The Infidels", huh? That's quite a nickname... I hope you'll live up to it when we can be alone later!" With a soft nibble on the neck, she leaves the surely traumatized Ayatollah to his business. |
Already desperately angry and looking to kill things, the physical assault from the Kobold combined with the much more intimate assault from his team mate finally pushed Murderson over the edge. Dropping his rifle, he unsheathed his blade and screamed in the face of the Kobold in front of him.
ALL OF YOU WILL DIE IN THE NAME OF THE PROPHET MOST HOLY MAY THE GODS BLESS HIS COUNTENANCE. He then whispered just loud enough for the kobold to hear. And you shall be first. Men will weep in centuries to pass when they hear the tale of your fate, unholy thrice dammed cur Minor - switch to sword, minor - Oath of enmity on Kobold C He swung his sword at the Kobold, a massive hacking lunge that completely over-balanced him when he discovered his feet were rooted to the floor, sending him crashing into the other kobold, knocking him away. Standard - Focused fury on Kobold C, if it hits push Kobold A to Z5 |
Being pelted with rocks was not something that Sven had ever suffered well. He had no patience for it when the other children were throwing stones at him in his youth, and he was presently discovering that he had no patience for it now. The difference, of course, was that while these kobolds were still child-sized, he was now far larger, and far more able to dispense crushery. Unfortunately, he was stuck to the ground. They would be crushed later.
What he could accomplish now, at least, was assisting Kickpunch's ranged marination of the kobold engineers. He winds up like so many of the participants he's seen playing televised bolf (like the traditional sport frolf, but with a ball and a stick) and clubs the meat at the third engineer with his hammer. Standard: Golf meat at whichever engineer hasn't yet been infused with beefy deliciousness. 17 + whatever= vs AC (13) Damage: 5 + 4 = 9 Minor: Second Wind Move: Nothing, failed save throw! I'm not certain re: the specifics of your conversation with Skills about meat projectiles, but it looks like the damage was 1d8 + 4, so I'll go with that unless told otherwise. |
As Rufus sees the kobolds charge his
New Hunter's Quarry - Guard A. Rapid Volley vs. Guards A and Elven Accuracy to reroll attack vs. A One kobold takes the bullet right through the snout, and the other yelps as the shot flies into its shoulder. To add insult to injury (as well as more injury), Rufus pulls at one of the kobold miners as the shots find their mark, and the resulting corpse hurtles toward the backs of the unfortunate duo's heads. 15 damage to guard C, 16 damage to guard A. Lodestone Lure vs. miner E. hit. pulls corpse into guards, if we're already throwing things at other things. Rufus just does it backwards. Rufus spins his pistol a couple of times and blows away the gunsmoke before realizing the camera can't see him. Ah well. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.png "Well, Corey's dead."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "You don't know that! One time my buddy Chad had his spine ripped out and he lived for another five minutes! 'course, that's when the ogre beat him to death with his own spine." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.png "That doesn't seem physically possible." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "That's exactly what Chad kept screaming!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Pretty embarrassing to watch somebody like Callahan struggle with a little kobold glue." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "He's got plenty of upper-body strength, but he's clearly been slacking on his leg days." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "Boys, we're out of glue. Fire... the bullets that smell bad." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kobosoldier_t.png "I recommend you also back away from the voracious carnivore." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "Details." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I don't understand how the kobolds have designed anything to be so smelly that even kobolds find the odor objectionable, and I don't think I want to." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Regardless, Crushdick and Callahan are possessed of much more delicate olfactory sensibilities. Look at them wilt under that oppressive stench." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Possibly they're wilting because they were shot in their already-mangled knees." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Lydia, I think we both know that no real man would faint because of a little physical injury. But we are sensitive to bad smells. That's just genetics." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "On the upside, falling flat on his face has freed the Ayatollah's legs from the glue." 9 damage to Murderson, knocked out (and, perhaps irrelevantly, -2 to attack, save ends?) 6 damage to Crushdick, same deal 11 damage to Callahan from pickaxe'd Guards B&C back off for lack of targets 13 damage to Engi C from rancor 8 damage to Callahan from getting rocked, bloodied :savepoint: Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22, Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14 |
(I'm going to assume I'll still be dying and reduced attack by the time my turn comes round)
Murderson found himself in an unfamiliar place again, although this time the nerd-farm was nowhere in sight. Instead he found himself knee-deep in snow, outside a vast, wooden hall, from which he could hear the sound of drunken singing. A warm, inviting glow came from the enormous doors which stood wide open. The newly deceased demon stalked forward towards the doorway and as he approached, he saw two guardians at the doorway, clad all in furs with horned helmets covering a shock of ginger hair. "HO STRANGER, ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE DIED A GLORIOUS DEATH IN BATTLE MAY ENTER VALHALLA" The second joined in. "THE RECORDS STATE THIS ONE IS WORTHY, ENTER FRIEND AND GRAB A PINT" Valhalla? Certainly he had died in battle but despite his rather messed up memory since the Event, he was pretty certain he had never been a Norse deity. The penny dropped. Fucking Odin, I bet this is his idea of a joke. I'm going to find that scrawny, ginger dick and make him wish Ragnarok was here With a yell, he drew his sword and charged headlong into the hall, disembowling one warden as he rushed past and ripping the head from the other with three of his tentacles. He was into the hall before the bodies hit the ground, swinging and slicing, tearing through the ranks of dead Vikings in mid-carouse. At the far end of the hall he saw a mighty throne, on which was sat an incredibly smug-looking being with the face of a raven who burst into gales of laughter when he caught sight of Murderson. It took a few moments for the drunken horde to react but he had only made it twenty metres into the room before the hapless Vikings around him had armed themselves and the slaughter turned into a running battle. Freed from the constraints of the mortal world however, a measure of Murderson's godlike powers had returned to him and he hacked and murdered his way towards the throne. Once he made it halfway across the chamber, the expression on the beaked deity's face changed and he started to look a little concerned. Three quarters across and Odin was starting to look decidedly nervous. As the Tiefling reached the foot of the Dais, the god was on his feet and behind the throne. Murderson stalked up the steps, shaking his sword to remove the strings of guts hanging from the blade. Now I have you, you beak-faced son of a Babylonian He raised his sword, ready to strike the Corvid features off of the terrified Norseman but felt an all too familiar sucking sensation and realised he wasn't quite dead yet and his lust for vengeance would go unsated. He howled his frustration to the void as his soul streaked across the universe in the blink of an eye. In a fetid chamber, deep underneath the post-apocalyptic mid-west town, the Tiefling's eye flicked open. Seriously, in the name of the Prophet, I am going to fucking kill someone |
This situation seems all too familiar. No more crazy bat tricks for a while though, Mamara only has so many holes she can hide them in to begin with.
She stares down the Rancor, hoping to invigorate her fellow warriors. Vitality transfer on Rancor 11+4+1=16 VS. 17 Miss... As the Rancor doesn't seem affected by her charms, Mamara decides to play nurse once again, her simple presence calling back her friends from the brink. She starts cuddling the dinobot and speaking softly to his ear: "RARGH... RABRARGABRU... GRAGARGAR... RAUGH... RAUGH... GARGLEGRAUGH..." Shift to W5 to give Skills my +5 bonus vs. death Steamy words indeed! |
Sven bellows, "I TIRE OF YOUR ROCK THROWING, PUNY VERMIN. WHICHEVER OF PUNY VERMIN STRIKES ME NEXT WILL BE CRUSHED. OBSERVE AND PERISH."
Sven retrieves the megaphone slung from his shoulder, his hand wrapping around the leathered grip stamped with Bergson and points it at the infuriating rat next to him. He continues screaming, "I HATE YOU SO MUCH THAT I WILL MAKE YOU DIE FROM IT" as the kobold's flesh peels away from its bones in long, jagged strips. He continues his tirade until naught is left before him but a lifeless skeleton crumpled in a pile of meat. I mean. Assuming it dies. If not then he continues until naught is left before him but an unconscious (save ends) badly wounded kobold. Either one is okay I guess. Standard: Attack Guard A with Bergson's Malefic Devitalizer. Hit: 6 + 6 + 1 = 13 vs. Will (13). Damage: 21 (-3? lmao) + 2 = 20. He turns his gaze to the rock-throwers and gestures with his megaphone, "WHO WISHES TO BE NEXT, CAVE MICE? PUNY CREATURES SHOULD RUN WHILE THEY CAN FOR ONCE MY LEGS ARE FREE THERE WILL BE FEWER PUNY CREATURES AROUND IF YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SAYING (I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU)." He screams another time for emphasis, bracing for impact in case the stupid creatures dared not heed his warning.
Minor: Stone's Endurance Filled with indignant rage, Sven manages to flex so hard that the hardened quick-dry glue encasing his feet and legs is stretched beyond its tensile limits and cracks into useless chunks that fall to the floor in a pile around him. "GAZE UPON MY UNBOUND FEET AND TREMBLE, PUNY CREATURES. AT LAST I AM FREE." |
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Rufus watches as the front line of the party goes down for the second time in as many engagements. At least the damage had been inflicted by those they were fighting this time, instead of their own allies. Which is an improvement. Technically.
Move to W5 Pick Ayatollah up off the floor As he helps his allies up off the floor, Rufus finds time to pull another miner apart. Usually, when he'd use his power against living creatures in the past, they came toward him in one piece, living or otherwise. Everything down here, however, seems to have metallic central nervous systems. It's very curious. Rufus resolves to get to the bottom of this mystery once and for all after the current threats have been neutralized. 16 vs. 12 is a hit. Minion dies, corpse hits rancor, if that does any damage. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Callahan just... what happened there?"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "He just killed a man with the power of sheer hatred. Truly a mark of greatness. The Texican Rangers are selected primarily on the power of their hatemurdering abilities." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Korgar, I need you to stop squirming in your seat like an excited schoolgirl. ROB, I'm sure you've noticed Thorolfsson pulling apart these kobolds with what are, at least according to records, magnetic talents. We saw the same thing a little while ago with the rats. Is there anything in our location research that explains the oddly specific magnetism the residents of these tunnels are expressing? Even Thorolfsson himself seems confused." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "As it happens, our location scouts found several empty drums with traces of gadolinium-153, which was used pre-Mistake in cosmetics, jewelry, and breakfast cereals. Unlike the ignorant savages of those days, we know that gadolinium has very limited nutritional value. Kobolds, however, remain ignorant and probably ate this gadolinium isotope because it was shiny-looking. Gadolinium has significant paramagnetic properties, and rat bites have likely transferred the contamination to most residents of the tunnel complex. An interesting wrinkle: gadolinium is unusually good at absorbing neutrons, which means most anything living underneath Gary Indiana is probably unusually susceptible to radioactive attack." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Thanks, ROB. Knowing is half the battle." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "The other half would have been actually bringing radioactive weapons, which this team hasn't." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "But they still might win the battle. The actual, literal battle. I was talking about more of a rhetorical battle." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, I guess you'd know everything there is to know about losing those." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Better than losing control of a hungry rancor! Look at those kobolds scramble." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "Gentlemen, I think the rancor is probably more of a threat than the intruders. Clearly he has no gratitude for our years of loving care and all those times we made Corey clean its teeth." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/miner_t.png "But how can we recapture it? You used up all the glue!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kobosoldier_t.png "We'll have to lure him into more of the boulder traps. Everybody, get between the wall and one of the trigger plates. Now, I know what you're going to say, but sometimes you have to break a few eggs. In this case the eggs are expendable mining employees. Think of the life insurance payouts your clutch will get, boys." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "Is it also okay if I set the intruders on fire? Like, just while I'm doing the other thing." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kobosoldier_t.png "Sure man, go nuts. Anything you feel you gotta do. Life's short, you know?" 7 damage to Mamara; 2 ongoing fire damage (save ends) 9 damage to Rufus (bloodied); 2 ongoing fire damage (save ends) Engi C's part of the Cunning Rancor Subdual Plan puts him out of line-of-sight http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Crushdick's still not getting up." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "But his unconscious agonized thrashings have freed him from what was, it seems, a subpar adhesive. URBX is brought to you in part by Dave's Dangerous Insanity Glue. Dave's: When it absolutely, positively, can never be allowed to escape." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Looks like the kobolds are serious about this plan to be crushed by boulders instead of being crushed by the Rancor's alarmingly powerful jaws. They're not even trying to kill the intruders now." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The boulders will be just as painful, Lydia, but the corpses will be significantly easier to recover. And, may I add, better smelling." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "He's eating me from an indirect angle which allowed him to avoid the trap! This is unprecede—" Engineer B chewed to death :savepoint: Mamara 11, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22, Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14 |
Finally, a chance for some well placed merchvertising!
Move to X5 Dark Beckoning on Guard B 8+4+2+1+4 = 19 HIT! Damage: 5+4+1 = 10 Kobold Guard B is pulled to X2 Mamara takes a step forward to be sure the camera sees her a bit better before firing one off at the kobold guard that has just backed off halfway across the room. The shirt hits the kobold square in the face, but as soon as it comes back to its senses, it starts to walk towards the group, enticed by the incredible tagline on the shirt that just caused it to almost lose consciousness. "When a woman wants to know if that smell is normal..." is what can be read on the front of the shirt, and: "She asks Jolly Polly, because she knows that she knows!" completes the tagline on the back. Though the advertising clearly isn't the most well thought out (although the stink lines where masterfully realized), the kobold seems to want to know more, and starts coming closer to the vampire seductress. You wouldn't believe it, but I've been having this very discussion with my wife a lot lately. You think this rotten meat smells bad? You don't know what a stench is until you met Yorlanda. That's why I've been camping out here, the dungeons are refreshing next to that." |
Murderson was back on his feet and only his wrath at the kobolds for knocking him out and making him fight his way through a hall full of drunken Vikings was stopping him smiting his team mate for daring to lay hands on him.
He swung his sword a couple of times to limber up, noting as he did the tuft of ginger hair caught in the crossguard. With vengeance on his mind, he set off after the guard who he had originally earmarked for a swift death. This was not a foe worthy of his blade however and instead he grasped the guard and his terrified companion with his tentacles, wringing the life from them in his fierce grip. Move to Z6, Long Arms of the Sea on guard and miner The weird crap the kobolds had sprayed all over him made his grip slippery and both his targets avoided death by tentacle, but their time would come... |
Sven simmers with rage directed at the rock-throwing cowards, and aims his shotgun accordingly. He'd prefer to crush the rat's skull like a ripe dirtmelon, but recognizes that even he isn't quick enough to close the distance before he's noticed.
Standard: Fire shotgun at Miner C. Hit: 15 + 8 = 23 vs. AC (15). Damage: More than 0. "Hahahaha! I have warned you, stupid rats! Stupid rats should pray to stupid rat god that enormous beast devours stupid rats because my plans for stupid rats are far worse than any beastly devouring could possibly be!" Free: Scream threats of graphic murder. |
Rufus, having taken a flaming shot to the shoulder, was beginning to get frustrated. Not for the first time that day, hewondered just how he had managed to get grouped up with this band of weirdos. A t-shirt gun? Really? You'd think they were playing in a padded room full of plastic balls, the way some of the group was acting. Granted, the way the other half was acting, every little rat or untrained kobold they killed would bring untold glory and riches.
Rather than worry about it further, he takes his frustration out on the perplexed and fumbling kobold in front of him. Hunter's Quarry vs. Guard B. Fading Strike vs. Guard B. Hit for 22 damage. IF (kobold.dead=true) reload weapon ELSE Lodestone Lure vs. kobold. (miss) Rufus' shot punches a hole straight through the shirt, leaving a hole with actual smoke coming from it right where the stink lines were supposed to be coming off of... whatever that was supposed to be. The kobold behind the shirt, meanwhile, does not seem to appreciate his newly aerated snout one bit. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Hey, free t-shirts!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "On kobolds, of course, they're effectively free nightgowns." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That's true. But kobolds don't adhere to the same gender roles you and I do, and they're certainly an untapped market in women's hygiene." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "In all forms of hygiene, really." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Exactly! Jolly Polly may have created an exciting opportunity here." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "He doesn't have a wife! Yorlanda's what he calls that can of old bacon grease he keeps in his sleeping bag!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kobosoldier_t.png "Lies! This nice lady is going to help Yorlanda with her not-so-fresh feeling, and... oops." Guard stepping on X0 (because Mamara lured him) triggers another boulder trap. Miner killed. 16 damage to Guard. Rancor and Stirge both dodge. Gonna rule that being hit by a boulder terminates the Guard's forward momentum. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Did they actually remove any rocks from their mine, or did they just stash them all in creepy little rock-closets?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The hell is the tiefling doing?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "He's just... caressing them. With his silky tentacles. Well, each to their own." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "In that case I hope that miner had a real fetish for having his face abruptly reduced to a cloud of blood. Amazing accuracy with a shotgun at that range." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "The smell of blood has drawn stirges. I'm seeing a flock of them trying to get into the tunnels... no, they're much too stupid. Ah, strike that. One stirge has..." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "A single lonely stirge has flown clumsily into the battle, haplessly trying to pierce the rancor's leathery hide with its... the... uh..." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Proboscis." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Well that goes without saying, Lydia. No one's going to pay a stirge for its services." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "There's a reason I get you a dictionary for Snowsgiving every year." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Of course, you know how I love our New Year's barbecue." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Anyway, that kobold's not going to be much of an ambassador for Jolly Polly now. He's got no nose!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "How does he smell?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Whatever kobolds normally smell like. You would know." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/slinger_t.png "Well, we're out of tricks. We'll have to shoot them... with bullets. These are dark days, my friends." 11 (crit) damage to Murderson 7 damage to Mamara (and she's still on fire BTW) :savepoint: Crushdick 18, Guards 15, Rancor 15, Miners 14, Mamara 11, Stirge 10, Murderson 8, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineers 22 |
RAOJGAKLJGALJKGHUAGHUAGHAL
Crushdick is annoyed at getting cut down so much. Next time he must headbutt faster, stronger, harder than ever before. He will get the drop on his enemies like his skull gets the drop on concrete. AGLJKAGasdg....GAGJAG....HFAHAGH Standard: Twin Strike at minion F 13 + who cares it's hella murdered. *Urp* Uh oh. *BLARRRRRRRRRRRRGH* http://colonelskills.belkanairforce....mlocktaco4.jpg A momentary bout of indigestion caused Crushdick to ralph all over the concrete slab. It wasn't until the smoke cleared that he noticed that several of last night's hourly giant mosquito snacks seem to have survived. Covered in 65 million year old stomach acid, they seemed particularly non-plussed. Interrupt: Stirges, round 2. Overcharge. 7. FAILURE. 5 stirges emerge from vomit, looking mostly unpleased. Strangely enough, this isn't the first time this happened. It's actually not the first time it's happened today, either. Crushdick sort of just shrugs it off. His lips still stinging a bit, he winked seductively at the Soldier who witnessed the whole sordid ordeal. It's not often you see vomit zombies. Minor: Quarry on Soldier C. Winking seductively before MURDERTOWN. Standard, continued: Remainder of Twin Strike on Soldier C. 8+10 = Hit just barely. 2+6+1 = 9 damage, unfortunately not murdering it. Murdertown is strangely still a ghost town. Population nobody. Crushdick is displeased. Luckily, throughout all that, some of the stirge vomit hit the floor with such force it bounced up and hit Murderson square in the chin. It had some minor healing properties, it seems. It should be bottled and sold at trade shows. Move for minor: Inspiring Barf on Murderson. lmao 1 HP. Suck a dick shin. |
Murderson had singularly failed to kill the infidels and now he was being shot at again. Completely losing the plot now, his anger was so great it caused him to erupt into flames, the fire streaking back along the path of the bullet and lightly singing the kobold.
Infernal wrath on engineer A. I might as well do some damage before I die again 5 damage, FML. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That's some pretty impressive projectile vomiting, right there."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Well, you have to figure the stirges helped. They were as eager to escape as anything trapped in a dinosaur stomach." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That guard's doing the smart thing trying to shank Murderson. Stirges are always going to prefer a freshly-bleeding target if they can get it. No luck, though." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Looks like the rancor's going to finish the last of those meat-drenched engineers, and... bam! Another boulder! It is impractical and ridiculous how many boulder traps are in place here." Boulder! Minion killed straight up. 23 damage to Rancor and Murderson, who, I reckon, is quite dead. Rancor finishes off Engineer. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Nope. This is completely normal. When you've dealt with kobolds as long as I have, you get used to it. They ain't too bright." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Looks like Murderson isn't too bright either, running headlong into such a heavily trapped room. He's surprised us before, of course, but this looks like the end for him. I'm not sure any of his blood is still inside of his body." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "We may have been premature when we called it earlier, folks, but I think this is the first casualty of the night. Ayatollah "Fuck The Infidels" Murderson has been reduced to a delicate meat paste. Again." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "May he find peace and/or unending war and/or cold, silent decay in the afterlife he does or does not believe in. Release the confetti, ROB." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Confetti truck hasn't arrived. All we got is this big crate of pamphlets we brought to hand out to the locals." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Release the pamphlets!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Well, all right. 20% off tickets to the next URBX LIVE for any survivors, I guess!" :savepoint: Mamara 11, Stirges 10, Callahan 3, Thorolfsson 27, Engineer 22, Crushdick 18, Guard 15, Rancor 15 |
For the third time in less than an hour, the tiefling found himself detached from his mortal body and floating through a higher realm. This was getting tiresome.
Expecting some more "Hilarious" japes from one of his fellow deities, he drew his sword and scowled meaningfully. All of a sudden however, he felt the all too familiar sucking sensation and again, returned to the mortal realm. He was in a tiny chamber, full of a sticky liquid. A dull thumping sounded all around him and a muted light pulsed through walls that looked... veiny? A tube connected his stomach to the wall and as he tried to wriggle free, he saw tiny, flipper like appendages where his arms and legs should have been. Fuck. Fucking Buddha. What a bastard... Additional Spam: Seeing the fate of the Tiefling, Mamara reconsidered hurling herself across the room to assault the remaining kobolds. Anyway, she wasn't sure whose side all the stirges were on and she was having a bad enough hair day as it was without getting pecked into the bargain. Far better to get the Kobold to come to her... She pursed her lips and blew a kiss at the beleaguered Engineer. Dark Beckoning on Engineer, pulling him to Y4 if hit |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Another boulder?"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Another boulder." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Another boulder!" Beckoned Engineer triggers boulder trap at AC4, is splattered hilariously. 18 damage to Rufus (dying). NOWHERE IS SAFE. PS why can't any of you count to 3? http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "I always did like stirges. They just got that can-do spirit. Look at 'im, there, rasslin' that big ol' thing." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Big ol' thing? I'm not sure if you're talking about the rancor or Mamara's, uh..." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Bah, average at best. That's the problem with dead girls, no meat on 'em." 6 damage to Mamara, dyin' and grappled. Minimum of 6 damage to last guard, dead. 7 damage to Rancor, grappled. :savepoint: Callahan 3, Thorolfsson (KO) 27, Crushdick 18, Rancor 15, Mamara (KO) 11, Stirges 10 |
Sven directs the robosaur to move, bitch, get out the way.
http://i.imgur.com/2ZDo7Ni.gif Delay turn until after Crushdick acts. |
RAJLKGAHUGHLAGHLAG
Those snacks seem awfully angry, for one reason or another. Dinoscowls didn't seem to get them to go away. Maybe Dino bullets would. Twin Strike in Stirges D and E. 9 + 8 = 17 > 15 = both popped DINOSAUR TACTICAL RELOAD http://images.wikia.com/combatarms/i...cal-Reload.gif Delayed Move until after remainder of Callahan's turn. Stand on top of Mamara's bleeding corpse. Free Action: Make sure the last thing she sees on this earth before she dies is massive dinosaur grundle. |
Sven's face twists into a visage of intense concentration, the veins in his head and neck bulging as focuses on... whatever it is he's doing. The sound of a loud squish emanates from within his abdomen, and his expression changes briefly to one of confusion and then horror.
Attempt to overcharge alpha to change damage type and fail miserably, causing minor internal bleeding in the process. Well, no matter! Sven still has smashing to do, and can plants really suffer from internal bleeding anyway? Who knows! He was a debt collector, not a doctor! Move: Head to Y5 via X6. "You! Puny flappers! Let go of small women and try picking on someone huge and mighty! It is probably not so good an idea, hahaha!" Sven brutalizes everything within reach. http://i.imgur.com/h5tgnE3.gif Standard: Lashing Creepers on all enemies within box from W3 to AA7. So Stirges A-C. Hit C: 12 + 3 + 1 = 16 vs. Reflex (15). Hit B: 12 + 3 + 1 = 16 Hit A: 16 + 3 + 1 = 20 Damage: More than 0. Maybe plants could bleed internally after all. Save vs. bleeding: NOPE |
Rufus just lies on the ground, silently sulking. Just his luck. Of all the days the universe could have possibly chosen to hate him, it picked the day when he was surrounded by fools and walking into a deathtrap. This really wasn't the sort of death he'd been imagining for himself. If he was going to die in URBX, he at least wanted to go in style. But no. Crushed by a boulder set up by some suicidal kobolds and set off by one of them under the control of one of his allies.
|
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That was actually sort of clever."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Looks like he strained something, though. Guess it's not URBX without a few weeks in a cast." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Hot dog, the rancor's finally after 'em! Gonna turn this whole thing around, you just... watch and... aw, shit." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Looks like Mamara was just pretending to faint. A little joke between two hematophages, I guess." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the bravest stirges I've ever seen and I've been working with and around monsters most of my adult life. This little fellow is clearly friendly, cooperative, a good judge of character. If you'd like to adopt this little fellow and liven up your home, just call the URBX hotline at 1-800-386-4366. Press 7 to be connected to our Audience Participation department. You won't regret it." 5 damage to Rancor from gettin' suckled Rancor attempts to escape bloodsuckery: 12 is the target, so success. Second move action to get over to Crushdick. Minor action, claw time: failure. Burn that Elite-issue action point! Burn it! BITE HIM! Failure. FFFFFFF Mamara's death save. Hey, how about that. You're welcome. Crushdick's IN HER SPOT SIR so let's just roll her over a lil' bit NO ONE MAY ESCAPE JERVIS THE STIRGE. 7 more damage to Rancor, (immobilized) :savepoint: Callahan 3, Thorolfsson (KO) 27, Crushdick 18, Rancor 15, Mamara 11, Jervis the Noble Stirge 10 |
Biting? Clawing? What the FUCK is this. No one out bites. No one out claws. No one out eats a fucking Dinosaur. Fuck you.
GAJKGAGAGH
Move for Minor: Draw Swords Minor: Quarry on Rancor. Standard: Twin Strike on Rancor. 11 + 8 = 19 > 15 AC. 18 + 8 = 26 > 15 AC. Two Hits. Damage: 6+6+6+6+5 = 29. http://colonelskills.belkanairforce....d/zandatsu.gif |
|||||
Sven crosses his arms and looks straight into the camera like he ain't give a fuck while Crushdick eviscerates the rancor beside him, its lifeless body collapsing to the ground.
Then they peace out like bros. http://colonelskills.belkanairforce.com/dnd/slevin.gif |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Rancor down! Rancor down!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Let's be fair, that Rancor didn't have a lot of fight left in him by the time he actually got around to acknowledging the team. Still, a very flashy finish by Crushdick. Murderson would have been proud." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Or furious." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Yeah, that guy was a little hard to read. I'm sure this team will be mourning the loss of the Ayatollah later on, but for now: more loot for the survivors! High Noon, you seemed a little frustrated by the Rancor's poor showing." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dj_high_noon_t.png "Well, heh heh, it's no difference to me. I just think it makes a better show when everybody puts up a good fight." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I agree. The meat diversion was an inspired move, though, and I think a comedy of errors can be damn good television in its own right." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well said. We've already got one of Melancholy's second-stringers en route, so they should take their time looting the bodies and setting any broken bones. Estimated drop pod arrival is within 15 minutes." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "As always, mid-delve pod service is provided by Magic Missile Airfreight. It's time to hear from the rest of our sponsors, but stay tuned to ICTV: we'll be back with more needless violence before you know it!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/skeleton_t.png "TOO MANY BONES? NOT ENOUGH CASH? WE'LL BUY YOUR BONES! CALL NOW AND RECEIVE THE CASH FOR BONES HOME EXTRACTION KIT. JUST PUT YOUR BONES IN THE HANDY RESEALABLE ENVELOPE, AND WAIT FOR YOUR CHECK! IT'S SO EASY! BROKEN BONES! TINY BONES! WEIRD BONES YOU FOUND IN A DUMPSTER! WE BUY THEM ALL! FOLKS, WE NEED SO MANY BONES RIGHT NOW! WE'RE DESPERATE, AND THAT'S WHY WE'LL BUY ANY BONE YOU SEND US. WE DON'T CARE WHERE YOU FOUND THE BONES! WE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS! WE JUST GIVE YOU CASH! CASH FOR BONES! CALL THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN! CALL RIGHT NOW AND GET NOT DOUBLE, NOT TRIPLE, BUT SIX TIMES AS MUCH CASH FOR CLAVICLES! WE'RE CRAZY FOR CLAVICLES TONIGHT! BUT THERE'S MORE!" |
Eat the stone slab.
Poke snout into Rancor viscera, looking for goodies. |
Check the rest of the room for traps and disarm them before anyone else gets themselves killed.
Check for interesting ammunition on the corpses of the engineers. |
Stretch noisily.
|
The slab goes down smooth, soothing the nausea brought out by Crushdick's recent bout of stirge-puking.
Crushdick finds several intriguing objects inside the slow-acting digestive tract of the rancor: a nearly complete life-size rubber skeleton, missing only the left hand an oddly luminescent, perfectly spherical gallstone a latex unicorn mask red/blue 3D glasses a fist-sized steel icosahedron, each face labelled with a different internal organ Rufus quickly checks the rest of the room, hoping to disable any remaining traps before the others trigger them in their greed. He finds three more pressure plates that won't splatter anyone into boulder oatmeal thanks to his caution. The engineer's guns are jury-rigged nightmares that are probably best left unused, but their ammunition seems to be of reasonably professional make. Altogether Rufus is able to break down 3 ignition rounds, 2 adhesive rounds, and 6 stench rounds for use in his own firearm. New mutations: Callahan: Horrible Singing Voice Thorolfsson: Distressingly Sweaty Crushdick: Secretly A Duck Mamara: Red Light, Green Light I'll write these all up once Shin gives his pixie a name, since I love putting things off and then doing them all at once. It's my jam. Callahan hears an unpleasant crunching sound as he stretches. He probably shouldn't have put his sweet megaphone between his buff as fuck shoulderblades. No matter. Such weak megaphones are not worthy of him. |
Crushdick takes ALL OF THESE THINGS in the Rancor and totally wears the Horse Mask for the foreseeable future.
|
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/snb_t.png "So why not come on down and visit? If you can walk out under your own power, the visit's free. That's the Steak & Bitches guarantee."
"Steak & Bitches is an eatery, bordello, and registered charity. Leave donations in the dumpster out back, knock, then run. Steak & Bitches Guarantee is not extended to the undead, mechanicals, or certain varieties of demon. Ask about Pajama Thursdays and Karaoke Night." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I'd like to remind our morally upright viewers that all employees of Steak & Bitches are employed of their own free will, except for those employees whose philosophies do not permit free will." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Steak & Bitches is certified clean by the Board of Public Health, and received the Platinum Star award for excellent hygiene 3 years running. And their wings are fantastic." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Looks like Melancholy of Perfection has picked up all the spoils they're going to find on these kobolds; now we're just waiting on Murderson's replacement. The pod should be along any second now." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "And there it is, the distinct grinding drone of a Magic Missile Bunker Buster tunneling its way down and... whoops! It nearly caused another casualty right then and there!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Crushdick might have seen it coming if not for that ridiculous mask." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "It's much too small for his head. It's disturbing. Grotesque, really." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Regardless, here's hoping he gets along better with his new squadmate than he does with pilfered headgear." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Indeed. Exiting the pod is Jill "Jailbait" Jones, with no less than 9 outstanding regional warrants for identity theft, blackmail, and fraud. Jill's going to have some explaining to do if she follows this team to any Xpeditions south of Enver." |
Jill skipped merrily from the pod, her sudden and violent ingress into what was minutes ago a combat zone appearing not to faze her in the slightest. She flitted from member to member of the team, examining each in turn, her grin broadening with each new meeting.
Look Mr Bear, it's a DINOSAUR! You like dinos don't you Mr Bear, they don't hardly break at all when you shake them! And look at the funny tree-man. Hello mister tree man, I'm going to call you Branchy, let's be friends! And there's a vampire lady too! Remember when we went on holiday with the nice vampires and we had so much fun and then naughty Mr Bear opened the curtains and they all burned up in the sunshine? That was so much fun! I hope we have fun with this vampire lady! And look, it's a elf! What's that Mr Bear? You don't like elfs? You think they're mean an sneaky and you want to crush them with your psycho powers? That's not a very nice Mr Bear... She rapped her toy on the head with her wand, scattering pixie dust around in the process and causing chunks of kobold to float around the room. Mr Bear apparently placated for the time being, Jill flitted off around the room, looking for an exit. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Not a lot of good options for the team going forward, looks like."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Sure enough. Northwest is just more rubble; east is a wall of fire and south looks to be an interminably long corridor." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You say corridor, but for Melancholy of Perfection it's just another chokepoint to get trapped in." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Bad news all around." |
Ooh, pretty fire. We like fire don't we Mr Bear, that's why you set fire to that orphanage isn't it?
Like the over-sized moth she vaguely resembled, Jill was naturally drawn towards the flames, looking to identify the source of the conflagration. Check out the flames, looking for the source and cause without getting too close probably |
Crushdick cocks an eyebrow.
Pick up and throw a rock at conspicuous dotted square. |
As the spirit of Murderson leaves her body, Mamara finds herself shedding a tear for the now lost to the ages Tiefling. If only he hadn't been in such a hurry to destroy everything in his path, maybe they could've shared a few more overly awkward moments.
The vampiress is still visibly shaken by her recent experience with possession, and she decides to take a small break to center herself around the current situation. As she notices the pixie, she finds herself somewhat confused at her presence, and the fact that she is no longer the only female in the group. She finds no insecurity in this fact however, as pixies are usually rather piss poor at anything besides annoying the living shit out of people with their constant pleas for attention. *HEY* *LISTEN* *WATCH OUT* Grrrr... Do jack squat. |
"Hello, puny fairy girl! And puny stuffed bear! You should meet puny elf woman, for you are all very small! Puny elf woman, come say hello to puny fairy girl and puny stuffed bear!"
Sven felt much more comfortable around creatures with the typical four limbs. You always had to be careful of those other folk. Could never be sure what those extra limbs were up to. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "What is that dotted line?"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Probably residual transmutation reagent burn-off. At a guess." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "At a guess." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I took some classes. Lot of free time during the offseason. You should consider it, admission standards are at an all-time low." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I'm going to ignore that, partly because I'm not sure what it means, and partly because this residue could be very significant to the Xpedition. If transmuters are openly operating this close to the squad, threat levels might be higher than our scouts anticipated." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "This sort of residual energy can also be the result of sloppy DJ interference. We'll have to look at the tapes later, but having the squad identify his tampering could earn DJ High Noon a Fourth Wall violation. That's a hefty fine." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Not just a fine. Fourth Wall violations have resulted in expulsion from the DJ's Guild and even jail time. Just look at DJ Soul Train." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "While DJ Soul Train did flagrantly violate the Fourth Wall protocols, the larger issue is that she did so by kidnapping an entire squad and welding them to lightning rail tracks. That's manslaughter, and it's not sporting." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Crushdick's noticed the residue... and he's thrown a rock at it." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Any effect on the rock?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "It's turned into a lovely glass pitcher in midair... and shattered. Not sure what that signifies." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, we've got no mineral competitors on-site, so it's probably not a lethal threat." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Jones is getting awfully close to that wall of fire. What are those silhouettes on the other side? Some kind of big bugs?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Fire beetles would make the most sense. Impressively well-trained fire beetles, if they stuck around after boulders started flying." |
Sven is intrigued, and tentatively tosses a couple of seeds from his gardening kit onto the magic square.
|
EWWWW! ICKY BUGS! ICKY FIREY BUGS!
Clearly not a fan of insects, Jill flew back into the room. SQUISH THEM! SQUISH THEM QUICK! She swooped down and struggled to lift a fist-sized rock from the heaps on the floor. BRANCHY! HELP ME SQUISH THE BUGS! SQUISH THEM GOOD! Frustrated with the rock, Mr Bear's eyes suddenly lit up and a weird, sickly halo of energy played around his head. The rock leapt off the ground and flew through the fire towards the bugs. Throw rock at bugs |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Callahan's throwing... seeds at it?"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Wow, they're growing instantly into... cacti?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Wouldn't think Lunar Zenith would spend a lot of time on the humble barrel cactus. Better ways to store water in space, I'd imagine." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I don't think they were cactus seeds, unless Lunar Zenith found a way to add a charming terracotta flowerpot to the cactus genome. And also to have the cactus grow to full size instantaneously in a subterranean environment with no sunlight or water." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Science marches forward, Lydia." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Jones is throwing rocks at the fire beetles now, but they don't seem to care." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Once you've seen one rock, you've seen 'em all, and those beetles saw one hell of a rock just a few minutes ago." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "If Jones is going to get past these mindless domesticated insects, she'll have to do better than bombard them with her eerie psionic nightmare powers." |
Maybe the fire was an illusion. Jones had seen her fair share of illusions over the years, in a magical community like the pixies, you had no way of telling if the old man you went to bed with would turn out to be a pre-pubescent girl in the morning.
To test the theory, she dragged one of the dead Kobolds over to the fire before tossing it on the pyre with a quick blast of Mr Bear's psycho powers. |
Inspired by the flying child, Sven also took one of the dead kobolds, and also threw it. Onto the Square of Transfiguration.
"Ha ha! I'm doing science!" |
As Rufus watched the rest of the party throw things at magical squares, it occurred to him that while such simple amusements might distract his allies, most of the viewership was probably growing bored and changing the channel.
As the fire beetles blocking their path seem to show no sign of moving, Rufus decides to get creative. Tapping the mysterious technology at his belt, Rufus summons an exact replica of himself - and sends it sprinting through the flames, leaping over the insects' heads, firing several rounds as it goes. That ought to get their attention. Preapare for fight, ready to fire at surprised beetles |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That's a lot of smoke."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, you can't expect miners to be especially clean. Good luck getting the smell of broiling kobold brains out of your jumpsuit, Jill." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "And when you do, remember Sartorial Sanitation, serving hard-working professionals who aren't afraid to get dirty since 2521. If you're a new customer, mention URBX and get 15% off your first year of service." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Looks like Callahan's engaged in corpse abuse as well, what the fuck is that. ROB WHAT IS THAT." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "The dead kobold has been transformed into a mint-condition Porkwood Springs Portable Krispy Ham, Lydia. A PSPKH." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Krispy? With a K?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "Yes, Lydia. Its a fully-cooked dehydrated ham product for pork-lovers on the go, available in Classic Saltlick, Maple Syrup, Beer-Battered, and new Strawberry Fluff. This particular kobold has transformed into the discontinued Nine Hells variety, which was taken off the shelves after consumers were transformed into hate-driven blazing wraiths by the consumption of a massive amount of ultra-hot Macronesian Banshee Pepper." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Folks, Banshee Peppers are not illegal, but please: use them sparingly, and never feed them to guests or customers without warning." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "The safety risks of Nine Hells PSPKH aside, nearly all unopened packets were returned to the factory and destroyed. That's a collector's item there." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "With a K. Wow. Okay." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Lydia's got that look in her eye again, folks. My apologies in advance to the families of those interns who don't make it home tonight." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Never mind me. Thorolfsson's actually doing something productive." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Is that a Holodude? Haven't seen one of those since I was a teenager. Looks like HoverCam's having a little trouble matching refresh rates; I'm not sure if the Holodude will be visible to those of you at home." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, the fire beetles definitely see it. They're immediately turning to give chase, and — that was a rocket. Someone's fired a rocket at Thorolfsson's holo." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Sure, the holo doesn't particularly care, but still!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Definitely some incoherent, angry shouting there. Melancholy of Perfection has stumbled into something bigger than a couple of bugs. Probably a matter of moments before somebody smarter than a beetle puts 2 and 2 together. Maybe those cacti, they look pretty sharp." |
Hearing the explosion, Jill flitted down the corridor to investigate further. Explosions were always fun.
Move to the far end of the corridor to see what's occurring |
If possible to do so without endangering himself (save from the ever-present threat of massive flavour) Sven retrieves the delicious ham.
"Did somebody order a large ham?!" |
Rufus dashes forward and snags Jill by the back of her shirt, dropping her just behind himself as they reach the edge of the room. Motioning for silence, he glances into the room, doing his best to go unnoticed. To this end, he sends his holodude dashing towards the source of the rocket, firing all the way. Nothing like a psychotic man with a gun who happens to be immune to military grade munitions to grab one's attention.
Use stealth to approach the corner of the room without being noticed. Really hope that the rest of the party gets around to catching up |
Crushdick dinosighs. Will this elf never learn? Fine, we'll play it by his rules for the next...3.5 seconds.
Walk behind Rufus, slowly. Quietly. Eat all the boulders on the way Or not. When behind Rufus, rip hugest dinofart possible. Gonna assume Skullduggery bonus for both of these. 12+5 = 17....meters? Radius? Place blame on Rufus. 13+12 = 25. BLAME SUCCESSFULLY SHIFTED? |
The aromas reaching Esperansita's nose suggest that this campaign is now at the "nature hike" segment. The cacti and beetles certainly add to the impression. Since her tour group seems to be slowly moving along to follow the trail, Mamara follows along, while firmly gripping her cannon.
Move carefully towards the rest of the crew, staying a safe distance away from dinobutt. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Looks like Jones is jumping right in. Good to see the team will still have a designated trapspringer without Murderson around."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Callahan's taking the PSPKH. I don't know if that'll earn him points with Porkwood Springs; the whole fiasco was a real embarrassment to them." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Thorolfsson's just flung Jones over his shoulder! Looks like he wants a shot at being the glory hog." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Hope it works out for him. There's not usually a lot of good that comes out of pissing off pixies." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Well, he's also fey, so maybe she can't curse him? Is that how it works?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "How would I know?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Well, I mean, you're, you know, of that persuasion, that is, err—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Like 1/8th, Korgar. Round ears are just a recessive trait." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "So you've never been?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Been where?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "To the, uh, Forest Primeval, you know? Queen Titania, mischievous satyrs, centaurs, all that stuff." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Sylvania is literally just 300 miles from here. It's not some kind of mythical... the old days of the blood tests are ancient history. You should go! Treants have the best stories." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Back to the Xpedition! Everybody's making faces at Thorolfsson for some reason, maybe because he's sweating like a pig. But what has he found? Bunch of odd little sand pits. Is this some kind of cactus farm? Looks like there were three fire beetles a little while ago. That rogue boulder was a lucky break!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "At least two reptilians present, trying to keep the beetles from wasting more time on the hologram... but those robots aren't so smart." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Smart or not, that's some fancy hardware. That's either military or pre-Mistake." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "I'll tell you this much, there's nothing that looks like that in this year's Djinn's Recognition Guide". http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "True enough. I don't see the military application of a subterranean cactus farm either. Judging by the stone idol I'd guess this is some kind of cult thing." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Lava god? Fire god?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Why the cactuses? This is gonna bug me." What with the constant rocket fire thanks to robots being easily fooled, you haven't been heard. However, horrific dino odors are doomed to ruin your stealth. Because I'm lazy tonight you have two posts before the smell wafts southward and hell breaks loose. |
Ooooooh, stinky mr dino!
Jill flew into the room, taking cover behind the nearest cactus as much to get away from the prehistoric gas as to shelter from the impending violence. The shock of the chemical assault was almost enough to make her forget the grave insult the elf had just handed her. Almost... |
Sven admires his gigantic ham and puts it into his bag.
|
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I guess Jones trusts those cactuses more than I do."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Cacti." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Nobody's impressed by your English degree, Lydia. Who cares about dead languages?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "If it's used academically it's not dead!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Irregardless, Jones has a much better grasp on the situation now. I'm seeing three reptilians, not two, and some kind of greenish simian fellow way down there by the statue." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Ah, the Gren! Odd to see them this far from their camps." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The Gren? More like the Green. Am I right? Am I right? Up top. Anybody?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You joke, but the Gren contempt for the trappings of civilization does, in fact, extend to competent spelling. It is entirely possible that 'Gren' is simply the Grennish word for 'Green'. Because the Gren are idiots." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "However you spell it, looks like he's noticed Jones. She'd better move fast, he's already drawing a bead with... is that a bow? Seriously. A bow." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Idiots!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/gren_t.png "Death to the corruption of the Old Ones!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/cultist_t.png "Surtr will cleanse this world with his flames!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/rocketbot_t.png "COMBAT_TAUNTS.BAT NOT FOUND" :savepoint: Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14, Dragonborn Cultists 13, Crushdick 13, Rocketbots 11, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 2 -> Lol @ worst initiative in the party going first & Diss forming an Epic Legend of Slowpokes Cactuses provide minor (-2) cover. Don't end your turn on a lava square, just some friendly advice. Beetles HP 32, AC 13, Fort 13, Ref 12, Will 11 Cultists HP 38, AC 16, Fort 13, Ref 14, Will 14 Gren HP 51, AC 19, Fort 17, Ref 18, Will 17 Rocketbots HP 36, AC 17, Fort 15, Ref 17, Will 14 |
Look Mr Bear, a party! We like party games don't we Mr Bear? Let's play pass the parcel!
Jill flew across the room, finding another helpful spot of dubious cover. Pausing for a moment, she flourished her wand, causing a mis-shapen lump of something wrapped in brightly coloured paper to appear in her other hand. With a shower of sparkly dust, she tossed the object towards the nearest beetle, her uncanny ability to communicate with lesser beasts conveying her intentions loud and clear to the firebug. Move to AB25, toss Hot Potato to beetle B You're it Mr Beetle |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Why is Jones carrying around a big bundle of sweaty dynamite?"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "The sheer number of open flames we've seen in just the last few minutes makes that an obvious bad idea. Still, if—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Wow, that beetle's got quite a kick." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Literally! Eh? Eh?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Well, also figuratively. In the sense that being engulfed in flames is a kick. Actually that's not much of a kick. I would not enjoy that." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Don't knock it 'til you've tried it." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The cactus is apparently fireproof. What are these cactuseseseseseses." Beetle B kicks the bomb to Rufus Both beetles move to just outside the blast radius Beetle A burns Jill for 10 fire damage :savepoint: Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14, Dragonborn Cultists 13, PROJECTED DETONATION, Crushdick 13, Rocketbots 11, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 2, Jones 18, Beetles 17 |
Rufus catches the dangerous looking little object, and decides he'd rather not be holding it when it inevitably explodes. It would seem that his former ally who had a penchant for blowing things up, regardless of whether they were trying to kill him or not, would have probably liked this little girl. Rufus moves next to a nearby cactus and volley kicks it straight to the combat robots.
move to AF19 Toss Potato to Robot B Thus the long wait begins. Hopefully the thing would explode before the robots could throw it back, or the nearby cultists could flee. Rufus decides to take at least one of those options off the table, firing off one of the glue-filled bullets at one of the dragonborn standing nearby. Hunter's Quarry on Cultist A Action Point Fading Strike vs. Cultist A fails horribly. NO WAIT Elven Accuracy Hit for 10 damage. Cultist is immobilized (i assume). Backflip back to AD18 Nothing to induce a little panic like sticking someone to the ground moments before a bomb goes off right next to them. |
Though going through this cloud isn't Mamara's idea of a good time, the battle raging on the other side without her is enough to get her to bear it and soldier through. She wouldn't want to see what this dino's innards are like for all the world's crimson treasures.
Move to AC 14 through AB line so as to avoid trap of lose your face and identity Ranged attack on firebug A Pretty sure that's a miss Whilst trying to fire a blind shot at a BUG through a CACTUS, The Suck Queen only manages to create a beautiful hole-filled billboard with one of her "Plaster Master: We'll plaster you faster" Womens' baby tees. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Lot of gunfire, things are getting really chaotic down there, why don't we—"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Wait, the cultist is trying to tackle that robot. This hardly seems like the time for infighting." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "No, he's trying to get to the... there it goes!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "ZOOM OUT, HOVERCAM! ZOOM OUT! http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/to...sion_photo.jpg http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, that was messy." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Just organs and scrap metal everywhere. Reminds me of my sister's wedding." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I didn't know you had a sister." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Emphasis on had." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/gren_t.png "This could have gone better." Hahaha that firebreath missed thoroughly And so does that axe Robots don't care about shoulder tackles KABOOM! 41 damage to every robot and every dragonborn. Let's say the crater is 15 feet deep. HoloRufus is hangin' out down there if you need him. :savepoint: Crushdick 13, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 2, Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14 |
Rasdga?
Crushdick is confused. He's not bleeding out or....or anything. What the fuck. The explosion rocked the corridor before he could dive out of the way or not look at it. He'll have to co-ordinate better with his friends next time. In any case, it's time to DINOSAUR. Move to AB22. Beetles aren't even SHIT, man. Crushdick eats beetles for breakfast. Kick beetle A into cactus AC25, impaling it. Awww yeah critical kick to the head
|
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http://i.imgur.com/SMAIytt.png "Well, I laughed at that bow, but I can guarantee you Thorolfsson's not laughing."
http://i.imgur.com/SYPK8KT.png "He's not doing much of anything. Well. Bleeding. He's doing quite a bit of that." http://i.imgur.com/SMAIytt.png "It's important to have hobbies." 5 damage to Beetle A from Unpleasant Cactus Experience Gren uses Takedown Shot vs Rufus: CRIT! 30 physical damage, all the usual dyin' statuses, plus slowed. Because salt, wounds, etc. Gren flees to AW16 behind cover of cactus :savepoint: Callahan 7, ROUND 2, Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14, Crushdick 13, Gren 8 Forgive the .jpg compression for a few days, sorry. |
With an unanticipated burst of speed, Sven lumbers out of the corridor and, seeing Rufus injured, moves to assist.
"Do not worry, small elf woman! I have a DNAnnihilator® sterilizing kit from our friends at Kennedy & Sons! When you need foreign organic matter obliterated, call them first! Also, I sort of know first aid! You are in good, enormous, ridiculously-muscled hands!" Trade in standard action and move twice to AE20. |
Even Jill was faintly impressed by the carnage caused by the hot potato and immediately wished she'd taken more of them from that dwarf village she'd lived in until everyone had mysteriously died in the night from various crushing injuries.
Gleefully, she flitted between the two beetles, spinning round for joy, Mr Bear held out at arms length as she aeroplaned him round. Yay Mr Bear, pretty explosions! Shift to AB24, Forceful push on B to move to AA24, spinning clothesline on beetles. +3 strength +1 level +3 accuracy +1 combat advantage. Hit both, 12 damage and knocked prone RING A RING OF ROSES, HIT YOU IN THE NOSES, HIT YOU THEN HIT YOU, ALL FALL DOWN Giggling uncontrollably, she continued spinning, scattering beetles everywhere. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/gren_t.png "Fools! Your explosion may have slain my simple-minded retainers, but the noise has awakened... the diggles! Your carelessness dooms us all!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Awfully well-spoken for a Gren." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "If I saw that many diggles at once I'd probably develop some new vocabulary too." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/diggle_t.png "Fear my martial prowess!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/diggle_t.png "Strength in numbers, boys, strength in numbers." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/diggle_t.png "This was supposed to be my day off." Beetle A misses bite Beetle B bites Jill; Crit! 10 damage. Jill blooded. DIGGLES! AC 15, Fort 13, Ref 11, Will 11, HP 1. Rufus' doom clock strikes 1. :savepoint: Mamara 14, Crushdick 13, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 3, Diggles 21, Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14 |
Seeing a clear line to the beetle, Mamara fires off another round of her cannon in hopes of getting to drink beetle juice soon. Delicious Beetle juice.
Cannon to Beetle A 10+5=15 damage Move to AE19 Her shot striking true, the vampiress moves closer to her good friend Rufus to empathically tell him about the savourous beetle juice that will be forthcoming. Empath grants +5 to death saves'O'Rufus Keep an eye out for that beetle juice |
HGAHUGAHUGHALJAKLHJAH
The beetle in front of him was liquefied, no longer the tasty treat to be enjoyed, but an awful pudding in which to step and make funny noises with. Oh well. Move to AB25 via dead beetle A corpse to avoid AoO. This motherfucker right here though. Fuck him. He's a bit of an asshole. Quarry on Beetle B. Twin Strike on Beetle B. Whiff horribly on first attack. Second attack hits. 4+6+1 damage. :( Glancing south, the dinosaur realizes shit is about to get real. He has no choice now. He raises one of his swords.
Overcharge Alpha power DUCK. Holy shit it worked. Am now a duck. |
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That was one juicy beetle. There's beetle juice everywhere. Kind of a waste. A waste of beetle juice."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Beetle juice?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Beetle juice." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "..." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "..." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "So it wasn't a documentary after all." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I am simultaneously disappointed and relieved." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "First Birdemic and now this." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "In other awkward segue news, Mamara has been shot in the chest and Crushdick is now a duck." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "More like Crushduck." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Ugh, that's awful." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "C'mon! Quackpunch Crushduck. C'moooooooon." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That beetle juice is looking pretty good right now." Mamara arrow'd for 14 damage, bloodied Crushdick is now a Crushduck. He can do all the things a duck can do, plus all his regular stuff. Fly speed? Let's say 9 why not. And... irritating quacking sound as a minor action, close burst 2, marks enemies. Rad. :savepoint: Callahan 7, ROUND 3, Diggles 21, Jones 18, Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14, Mamara 14, Crushdick 13, Gren 8 |
Sven turns to his left, puffing out his chest and generally making himself look as large and as threatening as possible.
"Puny duck things! Behold the Overseer of Ducks and tremble! His Excellency Quack Quackity approaches! Bow in reverence; the Devourer of the Bread of the Cosmos demands your obedience!" He gestures emphatically at Crushquack. Intimidate the duck army. 8 + 6 = 14. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Don't know why he thought that would work."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Just because they're yellow doesn't make them ducks. The common diggle is, yes, a bird, but rather than a duck's bill they are equipped with the rubbery nasal apparatus that gives them their name." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I'd like to see a duck burrow through solid stone!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Let me assure you that you would not like that. Ooh, it's hard to watch, those two are getting diggled pretty badly." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "At this point I'd be surprised if anyone in this squad gets through the night without some heavy diggling." Crushduck gets diggled for 10 Jill gets diggled for 5, KO Crushduck beetlebit for 6 (bloodied) :savepoint: Mamara 14, Crushdick 13, Gren 8 , Callahan 7, ROUND 4, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO), Beetles 17, Thorolfsson 14 (KO) |
"I Wonder if diggle blood tastes as cute as it sounds?"
Ponderous ponderousness. Let's find out. Move to AD 21 Taste of life on Diggle E I guess we'll never know! Edit: As if by premonition, Mamara be suddenly pluggin' those ears. Yo. |
And some people don't believe birds evolved from dinosaurs. Wordlessly. Silently. With a creepy stare, Quackduck decides it's time to find a pond to eat bread out of. http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7072/6...045324ea_c.jpg A POND OF BLOOD. Minor. Quarry on Beetle B. Standard. Twin Strike. First strike on Beetle B 14 + 8 = Hit. 6+2+1 = 9, finally dead. The power of his mighty quackslash reverberated through time itself, leaving a powerful shockwave that just so happened to catch one of the diggles square in the chest. Exploding him violently. Other half of Twin Strike on Diggle A. Popped, if only just FINALLY. AFTER 10,000 YEARS I'M FREE. IT'S TIME TO CONQUER EARTH. :ken::ken::ken::ken:ACTION POINT:ken::ken::ken::ken: CUT THIS UGLY CACTUS DOWN. NEW STANDARD: Twin Strike Pt1 on CACTUS AC25. Going to assume that 8 + 8 = 16 > the AC of a cactus and it cuts. Before the plant even had time to fall down, and using the momentum from the slice, Duckquack carries forward and roundhouses the damn thing, sending it FAR DOWNFIELD. Straight towards Gren. Other half of Twin Strike on CACTUS SEGMENT AC25. WEAPON USED: FOOT. IMPACT ON GREN? AHA 19. PLUS...I dunno, strength or something. RIGHT INTO HIS FACE. Satisfied, but tired of hearing the squishy noises left behind by this flying midget dying next to him, Duckwise Gamgee grabs Move for Minor: 4 milks from his pack and stuffs them in his ears. The less he has to hear in the next few seconds the better. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That's terrible! That cactus never did anything to merit that kind of abuse."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Perhaps Crushdick was thirsty for the bountiful water stores inside. A waterfowl like himself surely finds the Xpedition environment dry and confining." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Too bad most of that water spattered on the cooling lava, then. But Crushdick has bigger problems than thirst, with the Gren lining up another shot." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That's, uh, that's a really sharp arrow." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Worse, it seems that Crushdick had a remarkably soft head. Perhaps being a duck isn't all it was quacked up to be." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Judging by the results, I'd say it was a fowl decision." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Strictly for the birds." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "As strategies go, it certainly didn't fit the bill." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, it was a complicated situation. Sometimes you just have to wing it." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "He certainly got his feathers ruffled." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "What a daffy idea." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "...I don't get it." Cactus hits Gren for 8 Gren retaliates for 26 damage to Crushdick, severely flocking him up and putting an end to his poultry existence. :savepoint: Callahan 7, ROUND 4, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO), Thorolfsson 14 (KO), Mamara 14, Gren 8 |
Hm. So as it turns out, the diggles don't speak duck. That's unfortunate. In fairness, Sven supposes, Crushduck wouldn't be speaking much duck anymore either.
Sven recollects his childhood spent on the mountains. The wondrous skyscapes and magnificent vistas fill him with nostalgia and child-like joy. It's been so long since he's been back. Such powerful emotions bubbling up from deep within! Sven, moved as he is by the memories, cannot deny himself this moment. Perhaps there was one last way to attempt to communicate with the diggles. Surely they spoke the universal language of music. Sven plugs his ears and whistles his most glorious whistle. He whistles the whistle of his people.
Standard: Horrible Singing Voice Hit: (Attack) + 3 + 1 + 2 vs. Fort Diggle B: 22 (Dead) Diggle C: 13 (Dead) Diggle D: 10 (Miss) Diggle E: 7 (Miss) Diggle F: 20 (Dead) Diggle G: 18 (Dead) Diggle H: 17 (Dead) Diggle I: 23 (Dead) Diggle J: 13 (Dead) Diggle K: 14 (Dead) Diggle L: 7 (Miss) Diggle M: 12 (Miss) Diggle N: 19 (Dead) Diggle O: 10 (Miss) Jill: 15 vs. 16 (Miss) Rufus: 24 vs. 13 (11 damage) Mamara: 20 vs. 13 (11 damage) Sven: 19 vs. 20 (Miss) Damage: 18 + 3 + 1 = 22 Minor: Make Rufus use second wind or whatever. That's a minor, right? It was spectacular. |
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ssbPzlF.jpg
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "WHAT? I CAN'T... AHHHHH—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "SOMEBODY TURN IT DOWN!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I CAN'T THINK! IT'S HURTING MY THOUGHTS!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "BLOOD IS COMING OUT OF MY PORES AHHHHHH" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "NO MAN IN A CENTURY HAS SUFFERED AS MUCH AS I." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "FUCK! FUCK! CUT THE FEED! CUT IT! COMMERCIAL! PSA! SOMETHING! MY SKIN IS SLOUGHING—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/oh...n_you_card.png Diggle D takes an AOO from Mamara and dies Diggle E: 5 damage to Sven Rufus sails into the Midwest Jill is 33.3% doomed :savepoint: Mamara 14, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 4, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO) |
Still frustrated by her curiosity for Diggle juice, Mamara sets out to finally get her fill.
Taste of Life on diggle E YUM (11+4+3+1 = 18) Mamara regains 6HP Blood Drinker for extra HPs +2 HPs That was pretty darn good! Let's try that one more time. Action Point! Taste of Life on diggle M The second diggle doesn't seem too tempted to be part of the feast, so Esperansita reluctantly let's him be. For now. As such, she decides to step back a bit and give him room to breath, as well as obstructing Gren's line of sight ever so slightly. What a bad, bad man. Suddenly Mamara is reminded of a certain suicidal maniac who recently left the group to follow his own devices in the ever after. Maybe she'll go over later and see what makes Gren tick... Shift to AD20 |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/skeleton_psa_t.png "You might think it's fun to try a little Forbidden Tome. You might think The Hungry Darkness won't see you, that you'll be one of the lucky ones. I thought so too."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/skeleton_psa_t.png "Now I'm a skeleton." Being a skeleton isn't normal. But after opening the Forbidden Tome it is. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Her robe look like a dishrag, damn." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Ugh, is it over? My head's still ringing." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Yeah, dead diggles from here to Bakersfield, but otherwise no serious damage. Oh, and the elf died, I guess." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "In accordance with the URBX LIFE4LIFE initiative, a tree will be planted in his name." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "We didn't promise to plant anything for Murderson or the dinosaur." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "In the event of Tiefling fatalities we normally make a donation to the Infernal Anti-Defamation League. Crushdick waived the charity clause in exchange for some roadkill we found." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Fair enough. Looks like that Gren just missed a shot! Maybe this team's fortunes are— what do these people have against cactuses?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "He hates these cacti! Stay away from the cacti!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/gren_t.png "Milkface bastard!" Thought I hit Mamara, then compensated for Cactus Interference, so just ignore that damage roll :savepoint: Callahan 7, ROUND 4, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO 1/3), Mamara 14, Gren 8 |
"Come, small elf woman! Join me as I take the battle to the irritating green elf!"
With his hammer in his right hand, Sven reaches down with his left and grabs a fistful of the back of Rufus' shirt, hoisting Rufus from the ground and holding him out to the front like a leaking meaty shield. Minor: Pick up Rufus He charges toward the Gren at full speed, holding Rufus aloft. "Sharp-eyed, puny elf woman! Use your keen senses and tell me if there is danger! I will take us to our foe, so that we can smite him! Hahahaha!" Move: AK18 Standard -> Move: AQ 20 As he arrives as his destination, Sven drops Rufus to the ground. "Puny elf woman, we have arrived! Observe my smashing technique! By that I do not mean smashing in its colloquial sense, I mean my technique for literal smashing! Hahahaha! Words are so amusing!" Action point. Sven swings his hammer, crunching the prone Gren with a blow that is unfortunately less mighty than originally anticipated. Standard: Only Kind of Devastating Strike Hit: 13 + 5 + 1 + 2 = 21 Damage: 7 + 6 = 13 |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Ha! Good to see Callahan man up and take the fight to that archer!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "He has also taken the fight to a river of boiling lava." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That is a much more challenging fight. And a fight that the lava already appears to be winning." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That's a lava-centric perspective. Both Callahan and the lava are on fire, so in that sense they're on even footing." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "It seems that even Thorolfsson's rapidly-melting corpse approves of Callahan's bold maneuver." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/te...r2thumbsup.jpg Callahan on fire; 5 ongoing fire damage (or, since it's Callahan, effectively 10). http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/diggle_t.png "The green man flees from our invincible assault!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/diggle_t.png "Let us capture his concubine." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/diggle_t.png "No! Let us murder his concubine, then capture her! As a conversation piece!" 5 damage to Mamara as a result of sub-par diggling performance. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/diggle_t.png "We murder you slowly, yes! To teach you a lesson!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/diggle_t.png "Obviously." Jill 2/3 dead :savepoint: Mamara 14, Gren 8, Callahan 7, ROUND 5, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO 2/3) |
These diggles really think that Mamara can't handle a three on one. That's cute. Too bad those videos from her days before URBX aren't available. That particular one with the whole Zoofball team would make them weep like babies.
Taste of life on diggle M 11+8 is a hit Lifeblood to get 5 or 6 hp back (does 1/2 level round to 0?) Yeah, keep it coming diggles. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Now the Gren's just jabbing Callahan ineffectually with his bow."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Looks pretty effective to me. Callahan's weak, girlish legs are surely feeling sensitive due to the severe burns." 12 leg-pokery damage to Callahan Callahan will be at 1HP after the burns at the start of his turn, soooo keep that in mind. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And now the Gren's pathetically crawling away. Looks like proximity to Callahan's terrifying immolation has done the Gren's filthy rags no favors." Gren's on fire, 5 fire damage http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Seems like the lava's cooling a little. Thorolfsson's body may be salvageable after all." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That's good news. URBX just acquired a facility downtown for recently deceased elves." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/0okNCjV.jpg http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Now we won't have to throw his carcass in the Mysterious Bloodhole with the others." Callahan 7, ROUND 5, Diggles 21, Jones 18 (KO 2/3), Mamara 14, Gren 8 |
Sven swings at the Gren as it crawls away, but is too surprised at literally being on fire to get anything on it.
Attack of opportunity: Totally fucked all this up, just ignore everything. :( "Uh, that was not what I was talking about when I was referring to my smashing technique! That was a lesson in how to not smash! Now, prepare to learn how to actually smash! I hope you are taking notes!" Sven charges after the pitiful creature, determined to teach the gren who is allowed to and who is not allowed to poke him. Those groups are composed of nobody and everybody, respectively. Move: AU18, looping around the left of the cactus at AT18. "You wait there, small elf woman! You have been looking somewhat ashy lately, perhaps the warmth of the lava will reinvigorate you! I will extract apologies from the small green elf!" Sven hits the Gren with all his might. "You there! Small green elf! How much do you like being poked? Not very much I bet! You should exercise more courtesy! See how do you like that? And that? I bet you think I am kind of a jerk right now! Well that is how I felt when you poked me! Like you were a jerk! You jerk! You should not just go around poking people like a jerk!" Standard: Batter Down Hit: 15 + 5 + 1 + 2 + 2 = 25 vs. AC. Damage: 12 + 6 + 9 + 6 + 5 + 1 = 39. Gren knocked double-prone. Thunderborn Wrath Damage: 3. Oh yeah and I guess he gets burned too or something: 5. Sven ceases pummeling. "Besides being on fire I feel much better now! I am glad that small green elf and myself could have this talk!" Minor: Second wind. Sven surveys the carnage. "Goodbye, friend Robodino. But you should not be alarmed - I will ensure that you will remain a part of this journey. How will I do that, you ask? By pilfering your belongings as my own! Hahahahahahaha!" Sven shamelessly adds the steak, the chocolate milk, and the two pieces of omega tech to his own pack. |
Jill opened her eyes and sat up. There were bits of beetle all over her and Mr Bear seemed to be doing something illegal to the corpse of a Diggle. Taking a healthy swig from her hip flask, she stood up groggily. She flitted over and picked up Mr Bear before flying over to the dead elf and using a clean bit of his jerkin to wipe the beetle gore off her as best she could. With everything apparently dead, she went to take a closer look at the massive statue, primarily to see if whoever built it had included anything valuable or alcoholic.
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Sven gathers up various objects (a diggle, the gren, Crushdick, a cactus, Rufus) and throws them onto the Square of Transmogrification one by one.
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Wow, kind of a long sponsor break there. I guess the local affiliates need time to advertise their various flea markets and mattress barns."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Would have been faster if Intern Steve hadn't left the tapes out in his trunk. Why did you think that was a good idea, Steve? Do you really love Bergwasser? Is that why their spot was on a loop for 15 minutes, Steve? Did you just want to make me thirsty for the crisp taste of the Alps, Steve? BECAUSE I AM, STEVE! I'M SO THIRSTY—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "There's no use in shouting at Steve's severed head, Korgar." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I grudgingly agree. So, what's that big statue about, Lydia?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "As one of those recently-exploded reptilian gentlemen helpfully blurted out, that's Surtr, Lord of the Fire Giants. That statue's about 1:100 scale, at a guess." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Strange to find Surtr cultists so deep in Usa territory. Didn't we cease hostilities with Jotunheim when the current trouble with the Frost King started?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Indeed. Either these were some remnants who didn't get the news, or Jotunheim is still undermining our war efforts on the sly. This just goes to show you how valuable URBX is to our national security!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "True enough. Those cultists might have lived for additional days or even weeks without Melancholy of Perfection in place to take care of things. Looks like Jones is already taking the spoils!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Couple of gorgeous rubies in the eye sockets, there. What is it with massive stone idols and jeweled eye sockets?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I've destroyed more than my share of massive stone idols, Lydia, and I really couldn't tell you. It's just one of those things you do when you're in a cult, like flinging yourself helplessly onto my spear into the hope your combined weight will pull it from my hands." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "That big sword doesn't look to be part of the original carving either, but I don't think Jones has room in her pack for a weapon six times her size." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Callahan's tampering with that transmutation residue. Let's see what he gets this time." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "He certainly seemed pleased with his ham, no wonder he keeps going back to the well." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Tossed a diggle on there... got some... parachute pants?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "This magic is clearly getting increasingly unstable." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Throwing the gren on... hula hoop. Sure." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Another cactus! This endless cactus abuse is just — well, it's just a vinyl record now." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Hovercam, can you get... Dastardly Dick's Halloween Hoedown: Songs To Shiver Your Timbers." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Hey, now he's throwing Thorolfsson's body on there! That's just tremendously disrespectful to a fallen Xplorer." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Nevertheless I think we'll agree that a dead body is less useful to the team than... a fencing épée." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And right on time, here come two more replacement Xplorers from Melancholy of Perfection. Cliff Barkley, fresh from the recently-disbanded... Society of Metal Werewolves. Good of MoP to give him a second chance at glory." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Metal like a robot, or metal like beating someone to death with their own mandible?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Possibly both! Also on the scene is Flopflap Stingdick, another beneficiary of the fine cybernetics technology of Malboro Recreational Chemistry." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "SO THIRSTY!" |
SQUISH SQUISH SPOOLOSH SQUISH
Take Hula Hoop. Wear it as a belt |
"Mmmmm... Those noises sure are enticing..."
Fluids, fluids, fluids! What a sound! Mamara draws closer to the source of the noises, and pauses to behold Flopflap in all his (its?) glory. "I could get used to having such a fine source of auralgasms on our team... HELLOOOOOO JUICE!!!" And with that, she dives onto (into?) Flopflap with great vigor and enthusiasm. |
flopflap stings your dick
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Jill always liked shiny things and this statue had them in spades. Flying up to the eye sockets, she tried to wrench out the gemstones using her pocket shank. That the North Berkshire Shoddy Security Correctional Facility weren't too familiar with pixie anatomy had meant she had managed to hold on to the wickedly sharpened toothbrush for her whole stretch and she had left that place having caused more deaths and serious injuries than she'd been charged for in the first place. That was also where she'd learnt the love for Mrs Miggins' Meths-based Moonshine, a relaxing beverage that was surprisingly difficult to come by outside of the Albion penal system.
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Those certainly are a large pair of rubies."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Yeah, I sort of expected something to happen when she pried them out. Rolling boulder, collapsing floor. Ceiling spikes. That sort of thing." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Nothin'. Just... free money." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Cults are really slipping these days." Now the map is on this page! Maybe that will help. |
Sven gives Flapflip whatever the hell that omega tech was that Skills said he wanted.
"Hello, Robomushroom! It is good to see you again! This belonged to Robodino. He would want you to have it. I'm just assuming that - because he's dead, you see! Hahahaha!" |
THANK YOU FRIENDLY VERTEBRATE CREATURE. I APPRECIATE THIS ORGAN TRANSFER DEVICE. I PROMISE NOT TO USE IT ON YOU IF I CAN HELP IT.
Flopflap examines his entry pod, and checks to see if he can dismantle or recover anything of value from it. To onlookers, this looks like he's just hitting it randomly with his jelly appendages. There is lots of suction cup noises. In reality...that's exactly what's going on. He's just molesting it. DOES HE FIND ANYTHING? I have no idea if 14 is good enough to lash apart an ODST drop pod. |
Having secured enough mineral wealth to keep her liquered up for the next century or so, Jill decided to indulge her second great love and went to go and look at all the firey stuff off to the west. She noticed as she returned to floor level that there were a couple of newbies in the room but nobody seemed to be fighting them so she assumed they were part of the team. Jill never paid too much attention to other people if they weren't offering her booze. Most people she came into contact with seemed to catch fire or come down with a sudden and fatal bout of stabbing shortly after being introduced to her. Also jellyfish, no matter how robotic were just plain icky.
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "What's he doing, looting his own drop pod? You'd think there would be time for that during the flight."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "The flight lasts about 90 seconds, and judging by Stingdick's general anatomy I imagine that the g-forces involved spread him fairly evenly over the pod interior." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "He still could have looked around." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I'm not sure he has what you'd typically consider eyes. Well, he's found a bottle of windshield wiper fluid, an inflatable life vest, and a flare gun. You can't say Magic Missile doesn't prepare for the worst." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "What are these mysterious machines Jones is looking at?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Oh, those are just... I mean, uh, obviously those are for... probably... I don't know." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Certainly pumping out a lot of fumes, though." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Maybe poisonous fumes! Maybe poisonous, caustic fumes!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "We can hope. Viewers, if you need poisonous, caustic fumes in your home or office, don't hesitate to call on Catoblepas Security. They'll take your breath away." |
Cliff finally stops chewing on his weapon long enough to take a look around and figure out where the small-fast-rocket-thing dropped him. It seems that he is now to be a part of a team much stranger than his last one. Or maybe not. The werewolves were all well and good, but being robotic and having parts of yourself that morphed and changed size led to some pretty embarrassing problems. Like when Jordan changed form, and his arm fell off. As cool as the rest of the team had thought the implants might be, Cliff felt pretty good about his decision to skip them. The others didn't really regret the decision, but, well... they didn't really regret much of anything anymore.
As Cliff wanders around the room, he spots the little girl beginning to explore the room. Something deep in his brain tells him that he must protect such creatures at all costs, so he bounds over towards her, tail wagging uncontrollably. |
Flopflap didn't bring his pet canary (which he has named PROFESSOR CHIRPIESWORTH P FIDDLEBOTTOM), on this trip. A shame. Would have been useful here. Oh well, the next best thing.
Loading up on the basic survival gear he found, he splooshes and gooshes his way to the Diggle corpses, and grabs one that looks...mostly intact. THIS SPECIMEN WILL DO NICELY. THE STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY OF THIS CORPSE IS APPROXIMATELY 73%. He drags it down to where the fairy is standing, and throws it at the red, noxious machine. |
The machines smelled bad. As such, Jill lost interest almost immediately.
Turning away, slightly disappointed, she was faced with what appeared to be an enthusiastic and friendly dog, or lizard, it was a little difficult to tell. Either way it had a cute, waggy tail. "Hello Mr Doggy, would you like a bone?" Skipping over to the corpse of the recently deceased elf, she wrenched off one of it's arms and held it out invitingly for the doggy to come and gnaw on. |
Sven narrowed his eyes at the prancing, furry creature. He had heard of these so-called "doges" before. A cunning race possessing powerful mind-control skills. He would be vigilant.
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Caustic indeed! That's probably the fastest diggle skeletonization on record."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Such a well-cleaned diggle skeleton would look fine in a trophy room. I mean, if there was some way to recover it from the horrible murder gas." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You'd put a skeleton with only 73% structural integrity up on the wall?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Frankly I was surprised to see that diggles even have skeletons instead of, I don't know, some kind of angry machine. Surrounded by meat. Meat machine. But no, just another skeleton." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Sometimes there's no romance in the world." |
"You there! Doge! Do you know machines? It looks like that red mist is bad news! Maybe you can shut the machine off! Give it a try!"
Sven is so clever. |
After waving a succession of meaty tidbits in front of the doggy's nose and getting little in the way of a reaction, Jill turned her attention back to the wider task at hand, that of finding her way out of this slumhole and retrieving the vast liquor cache she vaguely remembered someone promising her.
There were no obvious exits to the room meaning there must be a hidden one. Banking on the architects of this fane sticking to the tried and tested methods of underground temple design, she flitted over to take a look behind the massive statue. There's always a hidden passage behind the statue. |
Flopflap looks at the north side of the map because he has nothing that will prevent him from getting his shit dissolved.
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Seems like there's nothing behind the massive statue except for the statue's massive behind! Ha!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I haven't seen such lovingly-sculpted buttocks since I... actually, nevermind." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Well, I spoke too soon. Looks like there is a passage in the rear of the statue, so to speak. Not one you'd necessarily hurry to enter, of course." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "HoverCam, kindly do not linger. Do not — you are lingering. Just... just look at anything else. Look at the ceiling, HoverCam. HoverCam do not broadcast an instant replay." |
Flopflap compares his statuesque ass to the statue's.
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Jill was most put out to find this temple was lacking the traditional back passage. Stupid temple designers, couldn't get anything right.
She looked around the room for a suitably large boulder before lifting it with Mr Bear's psycho powers and smashing it into the machinery that was spewing out the noxious fumes. Resorting to violence wasn't the smartest way out of their current predicament but it made her feel much better. |
Assist Jill with boulder lifting, and in case no suitable rock is found, suggest the ODST drop pod in which he arrived.
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, that's one way to deal with it. A little blunt force has demolished the machines, and now there's nothing left but a bunch of scrap metal."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Nothing? I'd say the holes left behind by the machines' caustic product are something, especially for a squad that seems a little lost on what to do next." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Holes may help them, Korgar, but a hole is by definition the absence of something. A blank space burned away by acidic residue, leaving behind nothing but emptiness and regrets." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Just like my marriage!" Get the Flash Player to play this audio file: |
After a spot of wilful destruction, Jill was pretty pleased to be presented with an obvious way to proceed. Ever prudent, she grabbed one of the remaining cacti and chucked it into the hole, listening out for either the cries of an impaled beastie or the hiss of a cactus dissolving in acid. With the distinct advantage of being able to fly, she inverted herself and slowly flew into the hole, hoping to get a good view before committing herself to the floor below.
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Flopflap grabs the puppy and ties his arm in a knot around it.
CANINE, ASSIST ME. He lowers the doggy down the hole, his arm elongating and yet not bouncing back, much like an overextended Stretch Armstrong, and is curious if the little fuzzy woofwoof sees anything of note. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, that's quite a mess down there."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "At least three dwarves, to say nothing of the weird giant lava ball, the cloud of mist, the altar, the little pond with three giant frogs — " http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "These particular varieties of giant frog don't appear in the Official URBX Bestiary, Korgar. We may have some undiscovered species on our hands!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The phrase 'undiscovered species' is not one you want to hear during a difficult Xpedition. Who knows what these strange new frogs could do?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Hop around, mostly." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Of course! But in some sinister new fashion! Perhaps they hop backwards, in defiance of logic and reason!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Is that a giant chessboard over there? Sure looks like it. Anyway, as long as Jones and Barkley aren't spotted, it hardly matters what the frogs can do." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Jones and Barkley are accompanied by a big floating floodlight." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "...touché. Still, there is the possibility that the dwarves will stubbornly refuse to look upward. It's been known to happen." |
Keeping to ceiling, Jill did her best attempt at moving stealthily towards the west, hoping there were no more bad guys down that way. With her innate ability to communicate with all creatures, no matter how froggy and weird, she did her best to listen in to see what, if anything the people below were talking about. She kept her finger firmly pressed over Mr Bear's mouth as she went, knowing full well what a noisy bear he could be when he got excited.
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Waking from her daze, Mamara proceeds towards the hole and upon seeing that more fun times are awaiting below, she drops down as stealthily as she knows how.
Pretty stealthily indeed. |
After looking around, Cliff gets Flopflap to pull him back up so that he can relate what he has seen. After this, he gets a terribly clever idea and moves to the other hole and gets ready for the inevitable chaos that is about to ensue. If his previous URBX experience taught him anything, it was that one rarely came across other living beings that weren't expressly squadmates and left them living.
Move to south hole in floor in hopes of leaping down on top of foes as soon as combat inevitably begins. |
Sven's keen eyes pick out the doge moving to a flanking position, no doubt to betray his comrades at the earliest opportunity. He narrows his eyes even more narrow than they'd previously been narrowed (the narrowing of which had continued to this time) and essentially yells to himself, "not on my watch, puny barking thing! Hahahahaha!" Sven was never very good at volume control.
He approaches the others and moves into a position that allows him to keep an eye on both the traitorous mutt as well as his squadmates. Move closer. Like maybe two squares south of that southwestern cactus or something in that neighbourhood. |
The dog barks at him. Repeatedly.
As a jellyfish, he understands fuck all of this and just nods his...head...cap...mushroom...thing. YES. RIGHT. WHATEVER. The fuzzwoof looks like he's going to do some sort of...leaping. What a quaint idea with stubby legs like that. He'd be lucky to just faceplant and not kill himself. SIGH. He picks the dog up with his best rubbery throwing arm. Pick up Charles Barkley the B-Ball master and READY ACTION: THROW DOG AT DWARVES. https://img.4plebs.org/boards/s4s/im...5561286646.png |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Seriously, how do the dwarves not see that huge floating light?"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfguard_t.png "AAHHHH, MY EYES!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfwarrior1_t.png "WHY DID WE LURK IN ABSOLUTE DARKNESS FOR HOURS THIS WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfguard_t.png "THE BRIGHTNESS IS SUFFERING." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfwarrior1_t.png "WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOU'RE IN FOR IT ONCE OUR EYES ADJUST!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Mystery solved." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Guess the frogs have nothing to say. What do we have there, some kind of glowy circle thing?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Quite glowy indeed. What sort of machinations put a glowy circle thing, as you put it, in the same cave with frogs? What fiendish plotter could have put it all together?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Clearly none of the dwarves." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Clearly. Some sort of little table or something in the back, too. Hard to make out." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Maybe the frogs are behind all of this. They're awfully quiet. Too quiet." |
Jill had never been fond of dwarves, they smelled bad, had silly beards and all the armour made them difficult to squish. She ignored them and continued her stealthy advance, moderately safe in the knowledge that the rest of the party would make enough noise once they started following her to distract the dwarves.
She flitted towards the glowing circle. Being essentially a magical being herself, she was naturally attracted to magical occurances, like some kind of angry, drunk, violent moth. Getting as close as she dared without actually touching anything that might suddenly go bang, she attempted to ascertain the nature of the glowing and perhaps more importantly, whether it was worth anything. |
THROW THE DOG AT THE DWARVES
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http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Jones appears fascinated by the glowy circle thing."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "It's... it's just a summoning circle! You know that! We saw one earlier!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "And yet nothing appears to have been summoned! Explain that!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Maybe it's the opposite end. You stand there and get summoned somewhere else. Dammit, you know my specialty is evocation, stop trying to trip me up on air." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "My mistake! It appears Stingdick has cast Summon Greater Barkley! The game is afoot, and that game is a high-velocity man-dog." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfguard_t.png "WHAT FURRY MISCREANT DISRESPECTS MY PERSONAL SPACE?!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfwarrior1_t.png "EXPLAIN YOUR ISSUES AT A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/sporefrog_t.png "I'm a frog and I say we kill him!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/murklord_t.png "Hank, you don't have to preface every statement with 'I'm a frog'. People can tell." 13 damage to Dwarf Guard: got dogged on 9 damage to Cliff: dwarves are quite sturdy and unyielding. They do not make good pillows. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfguard_t.png Dwarf Guard: HP 43/56, AC 15, Fort 16, Ref 14, Will 15 http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfwarrior1_t.pnghttp://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfwarrior2_t.png Dwarf Warriors: HP 28, AC 15, Fort 12, Ref 14, Will 12 http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/murklord_t.png Murklord Frog: HP 39, AC 16, Fort 13, Ref 14, Will 13 http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/sporefrog_t.png Sporeback Frog: HP 42, AC 16, Fort 14, Ref 13, Will 12 http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/thornfrog_t.png Thornskin Frog: HP 35, AC 13, Fort 12, Ref 13, Will 11 Sven: You're 5 squares from the hole. Flopflap: 2 squares. The fall isn't far enough to injure when you're not being flung so you can continue a move after dropping down after you like. Hole exits onto either -AS, -74 or -AT, -74. :savepoint: Flopflap 31, Esperansita 25, Murklord Frog 13, Thornskin Frog 13, Cliff 13, Dwarf Guard 8, Dwarf Warriors 7, Sporeback Frog 6, Sven 6, Jill 4 |
Hovercam turns and watches as the dog is majestically rocketed into the hairy man's chest. In the slowest of slow mo, hovercam starts to play back the only song it has that's suitable for this beautiful moment.
Move: To one spot north of the bottom hole. Don't jump down. Should be (-1)-AV-74 I think. Flopflap revels in his great cognitive superiority over the plebs below. http://johnevenden.files.wordpress.c...h-ground-2.jpg The dwarf is suitably weirded out. Before eating major ninja star. Free: Shroud on Dwarf Guard. Invoke. Minor: Quarry on Dwarf Guard Standard: Twin Strike on Dwarf Guard First attack: Crit. 8 + 5 + 1 + 5 = 19 damage. Second Attack 14 vs 15: Miss Edit wait a minute the dwarf is like an armour meat sandwich +2 damage to initial crit = 21 +2 to hit and damage on attack two 16 vs 15 hit. 2 + 2 + 5 = 9 Total damage 30 Aw yeah right in the face. |
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Even though she's glowing like some kind of biohazard, Mamara acts as though she's still sneaky as a shadow's reflection. That is, until she decides to unleash the bats on the (not so) unsuspecting dwarves.
Wait is the glow getting stronger? Overcharge Bioluminescence 18 = Success! Move to AT 74 Swarm of Bats so as to hit all three dwarves: Dwarf Guard: 18 is a Hit! Dwarf Warrior AS 73: 5+4+1+3 = 13 vs. 12 fort is a Hit! Dwarf Warrior AQ 75: 6+4+1+3 = 14 vs. 12 fort also a Hit! And a healthy 8+4+1 = 13 damage to all, ongoing 5 physical damage Well if she had a chance that the dwarves were stupid enough not to notice her in all her luminescent glory before, Mamara's certainly got their attention now. It's sooooooo hard being a star! |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "One of the dwarves has just vanished up into that hole in the ceiling."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Almost looked like something sucked him in. What's that... noise?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/thornfrog_t.png "They're eating him!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/sporefrog_t.png "Then they're going to eat me!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/murklord_t.png "OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOO— wait, why you? Why not eat me?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/sporefrog_t.png "I'm delicious with butter." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Stingdick is apparently devouring his enemies whole! This is going to cut way down on disposal fees!" Dwarven Guard becomes a delicious snack. I'm sort of horrified. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Can we avoid aiming the HoverCam directly at Mamara? It's just nothing but lens flares." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "It's a shame, the brightness is completely washing out that sweet bat attack. Where did she even get more bats? Did you see her get any more bats?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I think she has some kind of bat nest on her body somewhere. I don't want to think about it too hard." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Well, now I can't see her at all!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Is that frog just... taunting Barkley?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/murklord_t.png "YOU AIN'T GOT HOPS LIKE THIS, SON." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Barkley's feelings appear severely hurt. What a nerd." 10 damage to Cliff from frog harassment :savepoint: Cliff 13, Dwarf Warriors 7, Sporeback Frog 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Esperansita 25, Murklord Frog 13, Thornskin Frog 13 |
Only a few seconds into a fight and Cliff has already been thrown at a smelly dwarf and taunted by a smelly frog. Deciding enough is enough, he summons what extra energy he has, and then moves next to the nearest dwarf, growling at it angrily. The growl deepens as Barkley's body morphs into an elongated, scaly form.
Second Wind. This would let someone else heal as well, but no one else has been touched yet. Move to -XA-73 (i think. right above the dwarf.) Form of the Swamp Hunter Mark Dwarf |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "He seems angry."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I don't like him when he's angry." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "All bent out of shape over a little frog-taunting." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "What an incredible sulk." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfwarrior2_t.png "Best of luck to you frogs, we're not going to stand around and wait for the World's Angriest Flan to get hungry for dessert." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/dwarfwarrior1_t.png "Let me just stick a dagger in this lizard's ribs. Principle of the thing." 4 damage to Cliff from puny dwarf shanking. 5 damage to both dwarves from residual bat madness. 50% of bats get bored and wander off. Everything is too far away for Sporeback Frog to harass with his unpleasant licking. How sad. :savepoint: Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Esperansita 25, Murklord Frog 13, Thornskin Frog 13, Cliff 13, Dwarf Warriors 7, Sporeback Frog 6 |
Sven draws his shotgun as he lumbers toward the holes through which his compatriots descended, anxious to check in on their well-being - he was no longer as worried about the doge as the floating umbrella thing had thrown it across the room. Obviously a keen judge of character.
Sven jumps down and arbitrarily shoots at anything moving he doesn't recognize - his standard M.O. "You there! Yeah, you! Knock knock! Guess who's there! BULLETS HAHAHAHAHAHA" Move and jump down to land at -AS -74. Shoot that dwarf at the bottom right. 16 + 8 + 2 = 26 vs. AC (15) Damage: 14 + 6 = 20. (this kills it, BTW -Pang) |
The sounds of combat were distracting Jill from the far more interesting activities of examining the magic swirly thing and looking for treasure. She tried to ignore it but the incessant shooting and shouting was just too much for her to bare.
Turning back towards the group, she expressed her displeasure at whoever was nearest, in this case the two frogs. "WILL YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!" Mr Bear's eyes glowed a sickening shade of scarlet and waves of psychic power emanated from him, boosting Jill's vocal rage into a potent mental blast. Mind lock on Thornskin Frog, double augment so as to hit Sporeback Frog too. Jill took in a great lungfull of air for another rebuke. It had been a good twenty minutes since her last cigarette though and the fresh-ish air sent her into a horrific coughing fit. Spluttering away she let out a final cough and blinked out of existence. Use Alpha Tech Hit both! Thornskin takes 16 damage and is slowed and cannot shift until the end of my next turn Sporeback takes 8 damage and is similarly slowed and un-shiftable |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/flopflap_t.png "Food! Food! Bring me everything ya got!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/barkley_t.png "A... are you going to be okay if you eat THIS?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/flopflap_t.png "Worried? Can't wage war on an empty stomach!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/barkley_t.png "Hummm... Sir! I won't hear any more of this kind of talk!" Gobble... snarf... snap... http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/flopflap_t.png "Well! I've stuffed down all I can... Let's go!" Drop down to -AT-75 Free: Shroud on Murklord. Invoke immediately. Minor: Quarry on Murklord. Standard: Twin Strike on Murklord One hit, one miss. 8 + 5 + 2 + 1 = 16 damage to Murklord |
That's a lot of dead dwarves. Poor things didn't even get a chance to properly try their hands at failing miserably to make a difference in the outcome of this fight. Pitiful.
Mamara turns her attention towards the frogs. They seem to not be faring much better, I guess the team is actually learning to work together well. As though that was even possible... OH HEY LOOK FLYING DOGGIES AGAIN. I GUESS WE'RE IN FOR NASTY WEATHER, IF I REMEMBER MY ALMANAC READINGS CORRECTLY THAT'S WHAT FLYING DOGS MEAN. Move to -AWWW (yiieah) -76 Vampire Slam on Murklord Frawg CRIT! 15 Damage To murklord Pushed to -AZ -77 because I can She holds the frog over head long enough for the hovercam to record it as a new women's frog lift world record before proceeding to release it, all the while stepping forward and assuming a flexing pose. The frog bounces as frogs do, but this time not by choice. Froggy ain't no b-ball but it be actin' like one, son. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Those frogs are taking a beating! It's like they say: it's not easy being green."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Nobody says that." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Gary says it all the time!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Gary is a 90-foot green dragon that literally sleeps in a vault full of gold." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "And his acid breath keeps melting the coins! Just one of the many crippling problems associated with being green." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Always remember the difference between the Appalachian Green Dragon and the Midwestern Green, viewers! Chlorine gas is no joke, but acid clouds are much more serious. Here's a helpful mnemonic: Greens in the South, cover your mouth. Greens in the West, eternal rest." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Speaking of toxic gas, Jones has made the interesting decision to teleport into a sealed chamber full of gas and angry shadows! And her teleporting has also roused a pack of skeletal diggles!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And an unusually well-dressed elf, but that's of little import next to the existential threat of undying diggles. The rattling sound of their fleshness snouts haunts me already." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/murklord_t.png "How dare you toss me about! How would you like it if I — well. I don't have any arms as such, but I could... damn. I WILL BITE YOU." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/thornfrog_t.png "You just bit a stalagmite, dude. Those extra eyeballs aren't doing your depth perception any favors." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You know, shadows are some of my favorite undead. They're just so quiet and efficient." Skelediggles: HP 1, AC 16, Fort 13, Ref 14, Will 13 Elf: HP 32, AC 16, Fort 12, Ref 16, Will 14 Shadows: HP 25, AC 15, Fort 14, Ref 16, Will 14 (Shadows are Insubstantial, so cut any Physical damage by half. Reminder: Jill maintains line-of-sight from her origin square and her alternate destination squares until the end of her next turn. If that would help somehow? Maybe?) :savepoint: Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Murklord Frog 13, Thornskin Frog 13 |
Cliff finishes gnawing on the dwarf's shinbone, and turns to face the frogs behind him. You'd think a frog would recognize its natural predator when it saw one, but apparently Cliff's alternate form did nothing to dissuade them. Well. This would be a learning experience then.
Tyrannosaur Charge on Murklord - move to -AW -75 (i think) Attack fails Unfortunately, Cliff catches his foot on a rock as he rushes the frog, and sends him tripping and skidding to a halt next to the frog. He still gives the frog the evil eye, though. That was intentional. A warning. yes. Mark the frog |
Though sometimes a boomstick is a necessity when cowardly dwarves flee like puny elf women, Sven does not much enjoy their use. Too alluring is the draw of hand to hand combat. He charges what appears to be a remarkably unthreatening foe, but again, Sven's smashing is woefully limited by his foot speed and he has to make due with what is available. At least he gets to use his hammer this time. With a mighty wallop, he sends the pathetic chew toy tumbling backwards. At the same time, Sven taunts the two frogs further away.
"Haha! You are slow! It will take you ages to hop all the way over here! Hahahahaha! I hope you enjoy how useless you are being right now! Puny useless frogs!" Edit: Whoops, got my frogs mixed up. Hit whatever one that is that's where I think it is. By Mamara. That one. Move to (-75, -AW). Savage Reach on frog. Hit: 9 + 5 + 1 + 2 = 17 vs. AC (16). Damage: 7 + 6 + 5 + 1 = 19. Knock frog to (-77, -AX). |
Jill's coughing fit persisted for some time and through running eyes, she saw glimpses of various parts of the dungeon flashing past. Eventually she managed to work the stopper off her hip flask and drink enough of the super-proof moonshine inside to stop the coughing.
She took a few deep breaths of some decidedly weird tasting air and opened her eyes. She wasn't sure if the thick, noxious fog was real or a byproduct of too much homebrew but the shadowy figures certainly looked familiar. Jill had spent a happy summer as a child at a holiday camp that had, barely three days after her arrival been attacked by shadow demons and she had fond memories of cavorting through the camp with the netherbeasts, desecrating the bodies of the other campees. Hello scary shadow friends! My name is Jill and this is Mr Bear. You look like you probably want to rip me into pieces and swallow my soul but before you do that, I know where there are a load of dwarves and froggies and diggles and you know it would be far more fun to rip them into pieces and swallow their souls so what say you follow me and we can go and play? Afterwards I promise I won't put up hardly any fight at all when you try to disembowel me! Follow me team! Without looking back to see if they were following and hoping that pure luck would lead her back to where she had just been, Jill flitted off in what she hoped was the direction of her team. Give rousing speech to get the Shadows to follow me rather than kill me, move east as fast as possible on the basis that I'm assuming the angled bit of black on the right indicates a corner I can't quite see round. |
Not one to be satiated by a singular sandwich, Flopflap made his way further up field.
Majestically. Regally. Elegantly. It was beautiful. They should have sent a poet. http://i.imgur.com/ABWLXlD.gif Move to to -AX-78 Minor: Quarry on Thornskin. Standard: Twin NINJA STARS on Thornskin. 15+8 > 13 7+8 > 13 Two hits. 8 + 5 + 6 + 5 + 3 = 27 damage to Thornskin. It explodes. Still in awe at his dactylic movement, no one noticed the flash, or the sound of buzz saws, squelches, explosions and screams. It's fine though, the frog that popped didn't launch it's guts over too much. A large piece hit the Sporeback right in the chin though. Free: Shroud on Sporeback. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/shadow_t.png "Very well. We will follow you to the prey you have promised us. Largely because you are flying and we cannot reach you. This presents us with an embarrassing tactical disadvantage. Also, because we are locked in this awful little room and we are all sick of playing Risk. However, we will still eat you at the earliest opportunity, because your speechifying is terrible. Terrible. Smashing your face into the wall is not helping."
Ongoing 5 poison damage until you figure out how to leave the room. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Wow, those frogs are just getting humiliated!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I haven't felt such pity for a frog since I visited my cousins in Gallia." :savepoint: Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25 |
Somehow one of these squishy greens still stands. A situation that needs remedy, and a certain vampire woman is glad to be on that job. Time for some more lifts!
Move to -AY -81 Vampire Slam on Sporeback 1+WHOCARES = CRITICAL MISS A loud snap is heard as Mamara tries to heave the frog over her head. Either this one isn't as soft as the other one, or the immortal bloodsucker is somehow defying the laws of undeath and getting old. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Those diggles are up to something. Something sinister."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Why did we only send down one light?!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/Hidden_Movement.jpg :savepoint: Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16 |
Cliff hears the distant sound of bones rattling, but chooses to ignore it for the time being. Anything that rattles like that clearly will not taste as delicious as fresh frog's legs.
Tyrannosaur Charge on frog (move to -AX -81) miss. again. Mark the frog. Once again, cliff's reptilian form has trouble crossing the cavern floor, and trips up short of his target. All things considered, Cliff doesn't feel terribly helpful, but at least he might be able to keep them from harm. The little girl had vanished into thin air, so she would be fine. Probably. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "The frog is fleeing at top speed in a desperate attempt to preserve his life!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "An ugly, diseased frog is fleeing into a poorly-lit cave to avoid being touched by a pale, oversexualized monster woman. For some reason I'm reminded of my parents." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Yes, my father also lived in a cave." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "A basement is not the same as a cave, Korgar." :savepoint: Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6 |
Sven looks directly into the camera with a look of exasperation and, without breaking his gaze, raises his arm to his side and shoots the frog.
Hit: 7 + 8 + 2 = 17 vs. AC (16). Damage: 7 + 6 = 13. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/flopflap_t.png HOP THIS.
Move to to -BA-78 Free: Second Shroud on Sporeback Minor: Quarry on Sporeback. Standard: Twin NINJA STARS on Sporeback. 14+8 > 16 2+8 !> 16 One hit. 1 + 5 + 3 + 4 = 13 damage to Sporeback. It has 7 or 8 HP left. Someone kill it. http://lparchive.org/Mystic-Quest-(b...FFMQ_Ninja.gif |
If she was going to be honest, Jill was a little bit surprised how well that had gone. The poison gas wasn't doing her any favours but she had managed to successfully trade one bunch of weird sociopaths for a bunch of malevolent nether creatures. She'd mae worse trades...
The poison gas was getting to be an issue though and she needed to find a way out. For someone who drunk as much as she did, she had remarkable spacial awareness and her brief trip through seven or eight dimensions of this place had shown her that the wall of this chamber butted up against a pile of rocks in another room. Thinking (Hoping) there might be a way through somehow, she flitted over to investigate the relevant bit of wall. Go and check for secret doors over where the wall meets the rubble on the other side, north east corner basically. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That frog gets no respect, no respect at all."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/sporefrog_t.png "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That's terrible. You must have been pithed!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Not to interrupt the original kings of frog comedy, but Stingdick has uncovered a nest of xivorts." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Fizz shorts? http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Xivorts. With a V." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Whatchamazorts?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Xivorts. You know what xivorts are." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Wizard warts?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Why are you doing this? Stop doing this." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "...Susan?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I feel like I'm dying. Much like those shadows that Jones bewitched with her cunning ability to be out of their reach. Now they're on the move, free to prey on succulent living flesh. Jones has definitely made a great decision that won't haunt us all in the years to come." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/shadow_t.png "Ha ha! Murder." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Feelin' good about this one!" 5 poison yup yup Xivorts: HP 26, AC 15, Fort 12, Ref 13, Will 13 :savepoint: Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Sporeback Frog 6, Xivorts 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25 |
This won't do. That frog is a bit too slippery for Mamara's tastes.
Her anger coming to a boil, she steps towards the frog and glares at it, in a manner not unlike that of a tweenage girl who has just been told that, no, she can't do what she wants, and yes, her mother is still allowed to ground her when she gets too far out of line. Move to BA77 to get close to ma BFFs Dark Beckoning on Frog 16+some stuff = Hit! 1+4+1 = 6 damage If it ain't dead, pull it up nice and close at BA76 If it is, pull its corpse nice and close so we can dance on it "Oh, sooo sorry mister frogs!" Centuries old and still as petulant as the day she ripped her mother's yippity on the way out because she was taking too long to dilate. Some things never change. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "There's that elf we all decided to ignore because of how terrible diggles are!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Waiting until the enemy is distracted and then shooting them in the back. Classic elven strategy. Masterful." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Can't say much for his marksmanship, though. He's shot the frog instead!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/sporefrog_t.png "Well, this isn't going to end well for anyone. You folks might want to step back." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/kaboom.gif http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/elfarcher_t.png "Merde! Mon casse-croûte est perdu." Frog thoroughly dead (the bow does more than enough damage to kill it at minimum). 13 damage from frogsplosion to Mamara, Callahan, Stingdick. All three suffer -2 to hit due to face full of frog guts (save ends). Mamara bloodied but regenerating. The explosion is a function of the frog and not the elf, if you're worried about that. EDITORIAL LICENSE~ Skelediggles continue to skulk through the darkness, growing ever closer. :savepoint: Cliff 13, Xivorts 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16 |
Cliff watches as his comrades are covered unceremoniously in frog bits. Suddenly glad that he hadn't managed to put the thing into his mouth, he reverts back to his normal form and stands guard between the goop-covered party and the incoming foes.
Move to -AZ -76 prepare Resilience of Life against first enemy to come within range |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/xvart1_t.png "TIME FOR THE NETS! Or net-like device."
:judge: Esperansita and Cliff are Restrained (save ends)! Been a while since someone was Restrained. Summary: they can't move (not even push/pull/slide) except for teleports, and they grant combat advantage. Plus -2 to attack rolls. (Esperansita already has the -2 from frog guts; it doesn't stack.) http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Mamara looks pretty tangled up there." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And I thought she got out of the bondage game years ago. Some things never change." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Barkley's not taking this leash quietly! That xivort's head almost rotated all the way around. Let's enjoy that again in slo-mo. You can pinpoint the exact millisecond where the xivort cursed all the life decisions that led him to this point." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "In his shameful thrashing he still managed to stab Barkley with his adorably tiny little knife. What an ambitious little guy." :judge: Readied Resilience of Life kludges Xivort C for 14 damage, bloodying it. Dunno who you want the 2 HP to go to. 7 damage to Cliff from getting butterknifed (bloodied). :savepoint: Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Xivorts 6 |
Jill's efforts to escape the gas-filled chamber were rewarded when the wall gave way and she fell through the gap into the room beyond. The stench of viscera hit her hard and she contemplated going back into the poison gas room. Her eyes stopped streaming long enough however for her to recognise the pod she had entered the dungeon in and she was relatively pleased to be somewhere she recognised.
The Shadows rushed past her leaving her with three obvious options. Experience told her that for someone to seal up a room, fill it with poison gas and add monsters, there had to something valuable in it. The gas was an issue though and prudence would suggest getting one of the more durable members of the team to check that line of enquiry out. She could lead the shadows back to the team and save the day at the head of her platoon of loyal monsters but the loyalty of the shadows would only last as long as it took to meet something they could reach. The third and probably best option would be to sneak off down one of the other tunnels and go looking for loot on her own but there was always the risk of bumping into a bad guy with a gun. Jill sighed deeply. If she wanted the inevitable bounty of the poison room she was going to need help and for the time being that meant the rest of her erstwhile companions. With a slightly coughy cry, she charged off to the east, ready to save the day. Move as far east towards the idol room as possible, keeping to the ceiling. |
Sven doesn't know a lot about art, but he knows what he likes. The same, he supposes, could be said of Xivorts. Whatever they were.
He wipes the frog remnants from his eyes and moves to get a bit of a closer look at these so-called Xivorts, if that is their real name. He attempts to introduce himself through use of his enormous hammer, but misses completely and spectacularly. He blames the frog parts in his eyes, naturally. Then, such is the magnitude of his shame, that he can no longer bear to be seen. So he isn't. Move: Move to -76, -BA. Standard: Swing hammer at Xivort C. My roll is literally 0. That's a hell of a thing. Minor: Overcharge Stealth Boy in shame. 10! NOBODY CAN SEE ME CRYING. Attempt to remove frog viscera from eyeballs. Oh, sure, that's where I roll a fucking 20. Thanks a lot, dice. |
Suddenly overcome with
http://i.imgur.com/bWfUBrR.gifhttp://i.imgur.com/bWfUBrR.gif http://i.imgur.com/bWfUBrR.gifhttp://i.imgur.com/bWfUBrR.gif http://i.imgur.com/bWfUBrR.gifhttp://i.imgur.com/bWfUBrR.gif Free: Shroud on Xivort Bravo because why not. Minor: Quarry on Xivort A I guess. Standard: Twin Strike on Xivort A with failure darts. WHOLE LOT OF FUCKIN NOPE THIS TURN After accidentally swallowing a couple of ninja stars, he attempted to wipe his eyes of the frog shit within which he found himself. Instead, he accidentally poked himself in the eye. He didn't even HAVE eyes. He just grew one spontaneously so he could fucking poke himself in it. |
Goddamn those elves. How long will Mamara have to keep dealing with this race of effeminate cock-lacking wise-asses anyway? How they had managed to live through the last five extinction level events where the stoutly dwarves had dwindled in number, let alone not disappear from existence with their lack of procreating prowess and willingness, she would never know.
Bah! More pressing concerns she has for now it seems, as these Xivorts are getting mighty annoying with their fishermen's novelty wares. "Alright you Xivortingest of Xivorts, you wanna play? Bring it in then!" Dark Bockoning on Xivort B: 14+4+2+1+4 = Come here! Damage: 4+4+1+4 = Pulled up close at BA76 "Booyah!" |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/stockman_t.png "Now here's your chance to get the government to pay for it! All you have to do is call! The call is free, and the book is guaranteed. So call me! You have nothing to lose, and a whole new life to gain!"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And we're back! Charging people to tell them about Witness Protection seems a little unethical, doesn't it?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "No more unethical than ratting on your family, especially after they paid for that nice wedding." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And just like your nephew Timmy, both Jones and Callahan have vanished from the public eye the moment we let our attention waver." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "To the contrary, Callahan is merely weeping shamefully behind a distortion field while Jones blunders around in the dark. But HoverCam can cut through the Stealth Boy's rudimentary cloaking technology. Observe." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/stealth.png http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "The decryption is still imperfect, of course, but we can observe Callahan's girlish tears with a minimum of 43% fidelity." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Given the option, I think we'd prefer 0% fidelity." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Besides, why would we want to watch that when we could watch Stingdick pummel his own face?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Mindless-self abuse and brine spraying everywhere. It's Rush Week all over again." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Except without the dead unicorn." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "You play one game of Spin The Crossbow and you never live it down. Speaking of women making terrible mistakes, Mamara's deliberately encouraging a xivort to approach her. It's like she wants weird little polyps." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Luckily the filthy little bastard is rebuffed by Callahan's invisible weepy-weep face. Imagine the nightmarish sensation of walking into an invisible wall of gross blubbery snot. You'd never feel clean again." :judge: Xivort B bloodied and potentially emotionally traumatized http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "No amount of wild, stupid thrashing will protect Stingdick from an elven arrow in the, uh... uncertain... blob... organ... area." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "True enough. He'll be favoring that... bodily region for weeks." :judge: 10 damage to Stingdick from projectiles he didn't put there himself. Skelediggles creep ever close while you remain distracted by the trifling machinations of the living. :savepoint: Cliff 13, Xivorts 6, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16 Let's see if we can do the next round in less than a month! (Jill is at AC, 6 in total darkness) |
Since they keep walking towards him (also because he's not in much of a position to do much else until he can get his tail out of this confounded mess of twine), Cliff settles for biting the face off of the xivort at the front of the conga line of death.
Resilience of life vs. nearest xivort i think weapon damage is 1d8, unless it's 2d8 (based on my basic attack?) 12 damage should be about enough to kill him anyway The xivort's head removed from it's shoulders, Cliff spits the skull at the next one's feet, as an example of what will happen if it doesn't smarten up. Attempt intimidation, since i can't do anything else. ha, not likely. While the action doesn't seem to impress the little jerk, it does distract him long enough for Cliff to finally get his tail free from the net. |
Jill continued her gallant charge of salvation at the head of her shadowy relief column. It was awfully dark in the tunnel but there was just enough glow from the lava in the next room for her to at least head in the right direction.
Carry on heading east to the lava room then south to the holes to join the others. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Looks as though the xivorts have managed to throw a net over Callahan again despite his invisibility."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "It's like the world's laziest ghost costume. Just a net floating in the air, making phlegmy sniffling sounds." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Wow, Stingdick's suddenly bleeding all over the place! It's almost as if some careless jackass forgot to tell him how badly wounded he was until just now! :judge: Incredibly wounded is how badly, hope that helps. Oops. Xivorts accomplish fuck-all else. THESE DICE! In the absence of direction the Resilience of Life healing was applied to Mamara. Sven 6, Jill 4 (autopilot'd), Flopflap 31, Shadows 25 (basically just tethered to Jill, skip), Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16, Cliff 13, Xivorts 6 |
Sven's sadness is quickly replaced by fury. He had just gotten out of that stupid net, and now here they were throwing another one on him? It's almost like he finally rolled his first (and probably last) 20, (and otherwise decent roll) for nothing! NOTHING!
He raises his invisible hammer in preparation of smashery and, against all odds, makes it count. "Hahaha! Prepare to be-" Sven remembers he's invisible and, endeavouring to act more accordingly in the future, whispers "smashed". Standard: Savage Reach on Xivort B Hit: 6 (fffffff) + 5 + 1 + 2 + 2 (combat adv.) = 16 vs. AC (15) Damage: 6 + 6 + 5 + 1 = 18 Move: NOPE LOL Minor: Second wind I guess. Sven heaves yet another puny goblin-thing net off onto the ground in disdain. Oh whoops, it told me that there was already a roll named crunch so I rerolled, I didn't realize it had gone through. I guess ignore that 13. |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/flopflap_t.png MACGUYVER TIME.
One of the benefits of having many apendages is the ability to MULTITASK. Minor: Second Wind Free: Shroud on Xivort A because I can. http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/flopflap_t.png TIME FOR ALL THOSE EXTRA BITS I'VE BEEN COLLECTING Move for Minor: Toss jar of bacon grease at the ground a square away, on or around -AY-77. Standard: Fire Flare gun into bacon grease, igniting a giant, acrid grease fire that belches smoke every which way. CONCEALMENT FROM ALL ELF ASSHOLES TO THE SOUTH http://img.wonderhowto.com/img/70/17...ether.w654.jpg |
Look at all this fire. what to do what to do.
http://media.giphy.com/media/AhjXalGPAfJg4/giphy.gif As no one seems to be too panicky around her, Mamara decides that being undead near an open flame might not be the best of ideas, but she should probably keep doing these xivorts as she had done them before to the best of her ability. Move to BA79 Dark Beckoning on Xivort B 18 is a hit! 6+4+1+4 = 15 damage If it somehow survives, pull it to the fire if possible As the Xivort goes up in a glorious flame, Mamara figures sending it with the rest of the blaze might not be so bad in terms of conserving the maximum quantity of non-burning area. http://i1292.photobucket.com/albums/...ps0a3da894.gif |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And now the cave is rapidly filling with smoke. Did these guys not read their contracts? Obscuring the action so frequently is going to take a serious bite out of their prize money."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That prize money's not going to do them much good if it all goes to funeral expenses." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I'm sure not filling a poorly-ventilated cavern with greasy smoke is going to do a whole lot for their lifespans either." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/elfarcher_t.png "C'est antisportif! Laissez la fumée et mourir correctement." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Yeah, what he said!" I rolled all your unrolled saves and everything basically went great for you, you're welcome. Elf accomplishes fuck-all. Skelediggles lurch into view, as terrifying as all skelediggles are. You will surely get the terror. :savepoint: Cliff 13, Xivorts 6, Sven 6, Jill 4 (autopilot'd), Flopflap 31, Shadows 25 (basically just tethered to Jill, skip), Esperansita 25, Elf Archer 24, Skelediggles 16 |
Cliff attempts to bash the final remaining xivort over the head.
Resilience of Life vs. xivort. pretty sure 21 is a hit, 14 damage to the little jerk. 2hp to Flopflap. Move to -AY -80. As the last of the knife-wielding little jerks crumples into a heap on top of its brethren, Cliff turns his attention to the source of angry shouting and clicking bones, and waits. |
Sven takes a break from the carnage, and retreates to that room near the entrance with the fridge and the pool table. He needs a vacation. Why, sometimes it feels like they'd been down here for months!
Oh, how he yearns for those simpler times! They should have spent more time together as a team. Take a breather, play some poker. Murderson probably didn't incinerate all the cards. He takes a seat in the lightly scorched chair and leans back. It's so comfortable; he hasn't felt this relaxed in ages. He pulls the lever to kick his feet back, really settle in, and something strange happens. Is he? Yes! The ceiling opens up and the chair rockets out into the sunny sky! It was day time - he'd almost forgotten what the sun looked like. Ah, how its warmth invigorates his dendritic physique! This was the best! He flew loops, and fly-bys! Nothing was safe from his- With a start, Sven's eyes refocus themselves. Oh. He had been daydreaming. Shame, that. That damn elf was still there. Spoiler:
Move to -77, -AW (not through the fire. Shoot elf scum. Hit: 11 + 8 + 2 - 5 (smoke) + 2 (combat adv.) = 18 vs. AC (?) Damage?: 14 |
Even his ROBOEYES couldn't see through this shit terribly well. Flopflap figured the next best thing is a SNEAKY SNEAK ATTACK. From the relative safety of NOT being in the line of sight to that French asshole.
Move to -BB-83 http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/flopflap_t.png DID YOU SEE ME ESCAPING. http://i.imgur.com/pDSSlAg.gif Ready DOUBLE NINJA STAR ATTACK to first enemy that wanders into my LOS, smoke or not. |
Time to do some sylvan surgery. Whatever that means.
Move to -AX -81 Dark Beckoning me an elven bitch 13+4+1+4-5 = 17 vs. 14 (Will) == Hit! At the beep the damage will be: 6+4+4+1 = 15 damage Pull that sucker to -AV -83 Dance, dance, dance!!! Bits of the elf stay behind as Mamara pulls him ever closer to the smoke cloud with whatever mysterious force she summons from her loins on such occasions. "Viens me voir chéri, tu verras, il n'y à rien à craindre. À part possiblement la masse gélatineuse là-bas. Ne t'approches pas trop de lui, son odeur seule serait suffisante pour éteindre ta lignée entière de façon rétroactive et annuler ton existence par le fait même." Damn foreigners. Where did she pick that up anyway... |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/elfarcher_t.png "Mon petit chère! Permettez-moi de vous embrasser! Oh, que j'ai dit embrasser? Que j'ai voulu dire écraser. Hon hon hon. Mais mon épée est pire la poubelle que vous appelez vin ici."
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "There is something about watching that elf waggle his floppy sword around that makes me nauseous." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I agree. Why does he even have a sword? Why would any elf have a sword? Return to murdering people from a distance while hiding in shadows! Have some honor! Our forefathers didn't win the Eighth Beard War so you could fight face-to-face like some kind of animal!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I'm pretty sure it's actually a plastic sword from the props department." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Just put it right across the hall, they said. It'll be convenient, they said. No matter! If he survives I'm taking this up with the anti-defamation league! He'll get not one penny from us!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Stingdick's shurikens have separated his head from his body, so I don't think he'll be collecting a paycheck." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "...I find his death strangely less than cathartic compared to the anticipation of denying him recompense. I mean, he still doesn't get any recompense, but... it's not the same. You know?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Sure! You wanted him to suffer more for the crime of having offended you." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Precisely that. At least the skelediggles will never disappoint me." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "We need to look into getting them some rollerskates or something, this is taking forever." :savepoint: Cliff 13, Sven 6, Jill 4, Flopflap 31, Shadows 25, Esperansita 25, Skelediggles 16 PS your Stealth Boy died |
Maybe insert roleplaying later, currently too sleep deprived to words move to -aw -83 attack with Tempest Assault (+6 vs AC counting smoke penalty) miss. Mark skelediggle, because why not |
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Jill had been away from the group for some time now. She never had the best internal clock and the drinking didn't help matters but by her reckoning it was at least three days since she had seen the rest of the party. She had been tempted to just leave and find a decent bar to hole up in but she had given her word to her companions that she would return to aid them and she never broke her word.
Well at least she thought she might have given her word and whilst she almost always broke her word eventually, she was here now and it sounded a bit like the fight was still going on downstairs so she might as well pop down and see what was occurring. She crested the edge of the hole with the shades in hot pursuit, screaming down into the murky depths like an avenging, undead wizard leading a bunch of cgi dudes on horses to wreck bloody ruin on a significantly outnumbering force of cgi monsters who inexplicably run away despite their huge numerical superiority and the fact they've basically just taken the keep anyway and it would take very little effort to get inside and fortify the ruins. Jill always hated grand symbolic gestures, she was more of a take the money and run kind of girl. Anyway, avenging wizard and all that.
She might not have been much of a romantic but she did love to rock out. As she swooped into the room, Mr Bear's eyes glowed a bright yet sickly red and one of the Skelediggles was lifted into the air. Move to AZ77 or wherever gets me ten squares away from skelediggle C Living missile on skelediggle C. If it hits, Living missile attack, move skele in a clockwise circle around skele G if it's still alive, secondary attack on G. If G's dead already then move to AW81 and chuck C straight south betwen the other two and hit the one on the left. Additional Spam: 18 is a hit! Diggle immobilised Additional Spam: 18 is a hit! Diggle immobilised Additional Spam: 13, secondary attack misses. The Skele flies back towards his buddies, clipping the other on his way past and knocking it down with a bump. Additional Spam: 3 damage. :( |
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No time for jokes tonight. Will edit in later!
Move: -AW-85 Dual shuriken at Diggle -AR-85 Minor: fuck all! |
Finally rid of the "Mon Sieur le elfe qui pose comme une menace", Mamara proceeds to ensure that no trace of his repugnant corpse could ever be used to clone or otherwise revive him.
Step over to elf corpse Loot for all possible weapons, supplies, or shinies. And also hats. Didn't he have one oh them incredibly-pretentious-but-would-look-totally-so-much-less-so-on-a-lady-OBVIOUSLAY elf hats? /elf_fedora'd/ Use Jolly Polly's patented industrial strength "Douche your worries away"® on remains of mister "Je Pew Pew Pew! toute la journée (or je zip zip flack!, whichever sound a bow makes in the future)", to evaporate all possible DNA evidence of his having ever existed. Celebrate! Annnnd if all that didn't count as a standard, ready Dark Beckoning for whichever skele-dude comes into range first. If sleep was a thing for the undead, the vampiress would sleep like a baby tonight! |
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "She's just going to loot his corpse mid-battle? Not that he deserves better, but—"
http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Are you kidding? What battle?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png 'The diggles! The ferocious skeletal diggles which have... crumbled. To dust. So, lesson learned, the expiration date does mean something." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Leaving the voracious shadows with no prey other than our Xplorers, and the room rapidly filling with greasy black smoke that will soon render our cameras and lighting systems useless for broadcast." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Less importantly, it will leave the Xplorers in pitch darkness against monsters that are basically invincible in the dark." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "I'm all for a good slaughter, but just listening to them scream helplessly in pitch darkness seems... I don't know." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Kind of morbid, isn't it?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Yeah. You wanna bail 'em out?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Why not. They've been amusing enough. Tim! Teleport 'em out and slap a quarantine on the site." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/tim_t.png "Very well! By the power of my flaming balls do I abjure them through the ether, the numinous—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "And again with the flaming balls. There go your vacation days, Tim! All of them! Right into the numinous fucking ether." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/tim_t.png "You sound mad." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "That's it for tonight's Xpedition, which we'll call a... qualified success. Tune in next week when we send another bunch of greedy idiots into a deathtrap." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Or subscribe to the URBX Network for 24/7 coverage of every URBX event happening here in Usa and even in our international editions!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/ROB_t.png "As we speak, a Hellenic team is being wiped out by gorgons, and in Cathay a squad is putting down yet another jiangshi uprising." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Gorgons, eh? Hope they don't have any hard feelings! Eh? Eh?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "...goodnight, Usa." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "Goodnight!" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "Mad with power." http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "What?" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/lydia_t.png "I sound mad with power, that's what I should have—" http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/korgar_t.png "For Lydia von Brandt, I'm Korgar the Merciless! See you next week!"
Xpedition Complete! Level 2 Achieved! URBX Paycheck: Base Hazard Payment: $500/Xplorer Successful Conclusion Bonus: $200/Xplorer Total Extermination Bonus: N/A Pod Launch & Retrieval Fees: $150 per pod Slaughter Bonuses: Murderson $125 Thorolfsson $200 Callahan $550 Mamara $200 Crushdick $125 Jones $50 Stingdick $75 Barkley $50 Slaughter bonuses accrued by the deceased are garnished as necessary to pay for pod services. In the event of any remaining bonuses due deceased Xplorers, the bonus would be divided among the surviving active Xplorers; in tonight's event there was nothing left after paying for the pods. Total net profits per Xplorer paid by URBX CE: Callahan: $1,250 Mamara: $900 Jones/Johnson: $750 Stingdick: $775 Barkley: $750 Sponsor Reactions: Callahan: Iron Grip is more than satisfied with your demonstration of their hand tools, and Lunar Zenith is pleased to see combat applications for their products. However, Kennedy & Sons feel that you did little or nothing to reward their advertising dollars. They're withdrawing as a sponsor. 1 very satisfied sponsor: +$75. 1 satisfied sponsor: +$50. 1 very dissatisfied sponsor (sponsor lost). Mamara: While the T-Shirt Cannon assured every one of your sponsors some amount of airtime, most of them feel overshadowed by what they feel is your overzealousness in support of Jolly Polly. Plaster Master and We Make Syringes are willing to give you another shot, but Spatula City has withdrawn support, citing your total failure to flatten something and then flip it multiple times as your contract clearly required. 1 very satisfied sponsor: +$75. 2 dissatisfied sponsors: $50. 1 very dissatisfied sponsor (sponsor lost). Jones and/or Johnson: Although your sponsorships were illicitly obtained by swiping one of Murderson's unused jumpsuits, Crazy Ahmed is sufficiently pleased by your enthusiasm for destruction that they gladly extend you a contract with the same stipulations. However, Honest Abdul's and Cillit Bang have both refused to extend their sponsorship to you, citing a total lack of both cleanliness and reverence. 1 very satisfied sponsor: +$75. 2 very dissatisfied sponsors (sponsors lost). Stingdick: Malboro is, of course, very pleased when anyone's living space is filled with foul, poisonous smoke, and you retain their enthusiastic support (and many of their software packages). Your clumsy, oafish martial arts techniques are precisely the sort of thing that excite Hwacha's targets, and Hwacha is also thrilled to continue linking their brand to your exploits. Hasborg is disappointed at your failure to engage in irresponsible transformation antics, even after your obvious acquisition of the Anatomist's Friend; nor did you make any attempt to showcase your complimentary collector's edition Optimus Pram or its 17 voice-activated functions! Needless to say, Hasborg has withdrawn as a sponsor, but has graciously allowed you to keep the Optimus Pram. 2 very satisfied sponsors: $150. 1 very dissatisfied sponsor (sponsor lost) Barkley: While your onscreen time was minimal, your soft and strokable coat served as a serviceable advertisement for Bestresses. The Texico Museum of Natural History is willing to wait and see, but Party Maze has ruthlessly cut you from their sponsorship ranks after your failure to don the monocle or the swim fins before fighting. 1 very satisfied sponsor: $75. 1 satisfied sponsor: $50. 1 very dissatisfied sponsor (sponsor lost). TOTAL TAKE Callahan: $1,375 Mamara: $1,175 Jones: $825 Stingdick: $925 Barkley: $875 --------------------------------- http://www.saxypunch.com/missile5/louie_t.png "Hi, is this, uh, lemme see here... Melancholy of Perfection? This is Louie Grunkrieg, from Doorman & Doorman. Yeah, we saw your little performance last night and we'd be thrilled to represent you guys going forward. You got a lot of potential, a lot of heart. Something for everybody. Tough guy, cute guy, a little sex appeal... that, uh... blob thing... anyways, you guys go ahead and enjoy your winnings. I'll call you back next week and we'll talk about your next gig. In the meantime, buy any gear you think you might need. If it's something a little, how you say, hard to find at the mall, let me know. I have some contacts that can get you what you need. It'll cost, though. Exchange rates, am I right? Also, lookin' at your files, it seems like you guys lost a few sponsors there. Can't please everybody, but you wanna get those blank spots on your jumpsuits covered up ASAP. Less than 3 sponsors and URBX won't even let you past the security tape. Somethin' about covering costs, I guess? Anyways, I'm sure you guys are still at the after party or maybe one of the funerals, so anything you need, just ask. D&D Talent takes care of their people." Oh, and everything the elf had on him was worthless save for the bow, which possesses certain Omega qualities which will be detailed in your sheet later Also, Sven's Stealth Boy is broken forever |
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After her gruelling time spent flying aimlessly around a cave being chased by shadows, Jill was thirsty and there was only one shop for that. She headed straight for Jimmy's, the best hard liquor shop she had yet encountered in the state.
Jimmy, the proprietor looked like a drunken hobo and in truth he was but a drunken hobo who had made it big when he discovered the entrance to the former National Meths Repository. Why someone had chosen to store millions of litres of Methylated Spirits in a secure, underground bunker was a secret known only to the Ancients but they had and finding the entrance had set Jimmy up for life. Jill plumped for her usual, 5 litres of "Medical grade" Meths. She cracked open the first bottle and settled down for a chat with Jimmy. After a rambling and hugely embellished description of her adventures, Jimmy had a suggestion. He'd been looking for a way to reach a wider market, pretty much all of the local tramp population being now either completely out of useful, tradeable goods or dead from Meths poisoning. Jill's newfound status as a tv celebrity could easily provide the exposure Jimmy was after and he knew from experience that it would never be more than five minutes between shots of his product. By the bottom of the bottle, Jill's jumpsuit was emblazoned with "Jimmy's Meths Palace - A warming glow and glossy coat guaranteed every time". As she slid off her bar stool to leave, she noticed a scrap of material stuck to the bottom of her boot. It seemed to be a patch of some kind from a jumpsuit, this one with "Crazy Ahmed's" written on it. Intrigued, Jill set off to find the shop. Flitting drunkenly down the street, she all but bumped into a nun. Staring bleary eyed through a comfortable meths glow, she saw what she would have considered a recognisable face, had all the nuns she had ever met been killed in a string of unfortunate accidents. After what happened to her at the orphanage it was understandable. Sure they had looked like genuinely friendly nuns and maybe they had provided her with good food, a comfortable bed and a reasonable education but Jill had known deep down that they were evil, that was why they had to suffer, why they had to burn. The nun looked up with a start of recognition. "Is that... is that little Jill Johnson? Surely not? I had thought you must surely have perished in that terrible fire. After all, with all the doors accidentally barred and the windows tragically nailed shut to keep out the radbees that had been attracted to the honey someone mistakenly smeared all over the outside of the convent, I would have been killed myself if I had not been out shopping that morning. What have you been up to?" Jill grunted, her befuddled mind quite unprepared for this blast from the past. The nun noticed the URBX jumpsuit and a look of delight crossed her face. "URBX? Little Jill is in URBX? Oh my, I must say I'm quite a fan, I followed Donald "The Inquisitor" Duckworth, well, religiously for many years until he ran into that megarachnid nest. Quite the unpleasant end that one. I see you're short a sponsor though, the rules stipulate a minimum of three do they not? Well I might be able to help you out there. You see, after the fire at the convent I started a school for, well, special children, the kind with latent and dangerous psychic powers yet very little intelligence. We have a huge surplus of cash after one of our pupils accidentally made a pact with one of the creatures of the empyrean. His eternal damnation in return for a never ending pot of gold, apparently he couldn't read as well as he thought he could. So what do you say? You wear a "Sister Ennuncia's School for the Uniquely Gifted" patch, give a shout out to the kids now and then, maybe a little moral guidance here and there, eat your greens, practice your times tables, don't make deals with fell creatures of the underworld, the usual kind of thing, and I'll happily pass whatever the going rate of gold is your way in return" Jill was too caught up in plotting the best way to cause a horrific and painful death to the nun to really listen to what she had said so simply nodded dumbly. Thus it was she was on her way five minutes later with a fresh, new sponsor patch on her suit. Her natural instinct for such things led her with unerring accuracy to Crazy Ahmed's. In she went and recognising the patch on her jacket, if not the person wearing it, the angry midget behind the counter happily handed over a massive quantity of highly unstable explosives at a very reasonable price. If the bitch of a nun had survived the fire, she wouldn't survive the dynamite under her bed. New sponsors: Jimmy's Meths Palace and Sister Ennuncia's School for the Uniquely Gifted. Buy 5 litres of methylated spirits, drink half a litre. Buy as much cheap and dangerous explosives as remaining cash will cover |
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