Telemarketers - How do you deal with them?
 

My question is very simple. I want to know how other people deal with them, other than the "Do Not Call" list. Do you have any funny things you've done to them? What's something you've said/done that's either stopped or slowed their calling? Also, at what times do they usually annoy you? Isn't there some sort of rule against them not taking no for an answer?

My mom curses them out. I just do it in a manner that suits me best.

I go along with thier little gig and I wait for a certain line of thiers to pop up and then I hang up in thier face. :)

Oh oh oh!

I remember one time I came up with a pretty nice response:

<Tele> Hi, we're doing a survey of consumer products ...blah blah blah...and we require a person over the age of 18 to answer these questions.

<Spatula (who is 21 at the time)> Ummm...I'm not 18 yet, but I'll see if my brother is here>

30 seconds later after some yelling at my "brother"

<Spatula> My brother is here but he's busy having sex with his girlfriend. Can he call you back?

<Tele> Err...ummm......no, thats alright thanks. Bye...(quickly hangs up)

You hear the funniest responses ever.

Well, I remeber one time when I was younger I tried to sell this telemarketer my little brother. He told me I was "Fucked in the head" and hung up. Then probably 4 months ago I got some offer for a free Satellite TV installation and such, and Iwas just like "OMG ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!" and started screaming like a lil school girl who just met a Nelly. If that doesn't work you always have the occasional female caller who sounds hot. So you can start to hit on her :D,I tried to get a phone number once but.. it didn't work :(.

foreign languages are always fun, i tried it once with some success.
I must admit actually since i've moved house i don't really get telemarketers, i've had a few but they usually involve switching services in the house which i can't do that cos i'm only renting (or at least that is my excuse).
One time they did manage to con me into getting life insurance, they gave the blurb on it and then just went straight in with wanting my card details, it kinda took me by surprise. i tried to get out with the fact that i had no card on me but she was persistant. In the end i took the policy and as soon as the documents came through i rang up and cancelled it.

Ohh I gotta try that... I hope one calls me today.

I used to love it when my parents would pretend not to be old enough to pick up the call ("I'm babysitting for them") even though it was blatantly obvious they were.

Of course, since we've gotten Caller ID, we never pick up phone numbers that come up as "unavailable", we pretty much screen almost every call that goes through the phone.

Think of it as a necessary precaution.

Can I also add that telemarketers in Japan are notoriously difficult to hang up on? They're so polite that you almost feel like you're doing a bad thing by rejecting their offer. I figure if they did a little bit of that in America, the success rate would go up.

Of course, most of your telemarketers are people who don't want to be doing that job anyway, so it's hard to get motiviated >_>

Also a thing I want to try (but I gotta think fast and speak fast like a valley girl)

<tele> Hi how are you doing today (ya know the small talk stuff)

Now they'd expect a "good", "fine", "whatever" response.

But instead you say,

<spatula> Oh I'm so glad you asked! Ya know the people in the world are so inconsiderate today that they don't care about feelings! I'm so glad you asked how I am! I've got this terrible headache, my kids are screaming, someones at my door, my baby is crying of a dirt diaper, my wife wants a divorce, my dog just died, I got a repremand from work today, my nails just broke but I'm a guy and my co-workers are questioning my sexuality...my doctor says I've got cancer....on and on and on until they hang up.

You just gotta be quick at BSing.

I have the Caller ID option and none of the telemarketer calls are listed as "Unavailable". I usually pick up the phone out of curiousity as to who's associated with a weird number. Sometimes people in my fam use calling cards so this 800 comes up.

Usually there is a 2 second lag between us saying "hello" and them answering. If there is that lag we hang up without even saying a word.

I usually stay polite, and just say "please add me to your do not call list." I really feel sorry for these people, and I don't want to make life more unpleasant for them than it already is.
I have been tempted to occasionally strike up just a normal conversation with them, but I have usually been busy when they call.

I generally hang up immediately as opposed to trying to be funny. They're annoying the fuck out of me, but then again they're just doing their jobs as salespeople.

For every time I've been "sold" a product it's generally been because I remember how I couldn't seel shit to anyone when I tried to, and I'm pretending like I was sold out of pity because I remember how bad I used to feel :(

Ask them what they're wearing. And of course if they respond seriously, you must reply that "oh that's hot". I am not rude to them, since they are humans and probably wouldn't be working as a telemarketer if they had better options, so I just try to give them a laugh as I tell them that I am not interested.

I haven't had a telephone in a few years, so I haven't gotten any telemarketer calls in a while. I am not saddened by this.

hehe... this one is quite good:

<me> hello
<them> hi, i'm calling from ABC and would like to know if you're interested in our new off--
<me> could you please just hold on a second, i have something boiling on the stove and i just need to turn the heat down. Won't be a second.

I then go off and return to doing whatever the hell I was doing before they interrupted me with their crap, smug in the knowledge that they're wasting their own money waiting for me to return instead of wasting my valuable time. For extra amusement you could just cover up the mouthpiece and stay on the phone waiting to see how long it takes before they hang up, but I imagine it would take a lot of self control to not laugh out loud and ruin the whole charade. In fact, them uttering some profanity against you just before they hang up would make the whole thing worthwhile!

Also, if I'm by the computer some time and I have a cordless ready, HERE COME'S THE AH-NULD SOUNDBOARD!

"I'm gonna RAM my FIST (sup Rab) into UR STOMACH!"

It's quite amusing how they telemarketers who are obviously based in a foreign country (such as India, for example) always say "Hi, my name is <Insert Christian name here>" before anything else.

They sometimes hang up straight away after I ask them who they are, if not then I simply say I'm not interested. Next time I'll be sure to ask them to add my number to the "do not call" list.

Oh my, makes me feel bad for something I remember happened a couple of years ago. My dad had the radio on and we had gotten so many calls within such a short time. He said: "cover your ears" and after he pressed the "talk" button...WHAM! Full blast music to whoever was listening!

Other than that, we just have to strain politeness with the boring old "I'm sorry she's not here right now" or "I'm sorry we're not interested." My dad's pretty funny though, as he always asks "where are your headquarters?", and "who am I speaking to?", as well as: "how did you get our number?"

You could also just hang up in the middle of what you are saying and make them think it was a lost connection. I do love that dead silence idea to see how they react.

Same here. If they do manage to get a word in before I hang up, I just tell them that no-one is at home who can deal with them (I live with my parents, so they tend to always want them - not that I mind!) I don't see the point in being rude to them, as others have pointed out, they're just doing their job!

My brother and I are hardly home whenever the telemarketers like to call, so I haven't had to speak with any for a few months now. When I lived at home, I would just say that my parents were not available.

I do that.

Or if all else fails, say that you're dead or something.

Heh. I like that one.


Tele: May I speak to Mr. X?

You: No, I'm afraid I'm dead right now. Sorry.

I have on one occasion tried to sell them something. A few weeks ago, my band had just pressed our first CD "Bringing in Your Emergency Card" (In retrospect, naming the album an inside joke was a bad idea) and we were getting ready to start distributing them at our school. Whenever telemarketers would call, we would interrupt them as they began their pitch, and try to sell them our CD.

One guy agreed to buy a copy if we would buy the plan he was offering.

Try acting like someone else and then say that, "Oh shit, this person's dead... I'm going through a really hard time now, i'd appreciate if you didn't call for him..."

I had a great time with a telemarketer once. They woke me up from a drunken stooper, and I started throwing up half way through the sales pitch. I had a cordless phone, so I clutched the side of the toilet with one hand, and stayed on the line with the other. The best was the fact that the sales woman tried her hardest to stay on the line and sell me on insurance for my gas lines, but she eventually gave up.

*ring* *ring*
"... You just called at the wrong time"
"Hello! I'm [somebody] from Nicor Gas. How are you doing today?"
"I'm really not holding up too good."
"I'm sorry to hear that, but please consider this to brighten up your day."
*mnph* "oh man I really can't" *mnph*
"I can set you up with leak insurance for only-"
*BBBLLLARGGG!!*
"-Um sir? Are you okay?"
"I need hel-" *BBLLLARGG!*

That's the gist of it.

I've only seen, never done anything against the telemarketer. Usually I just say not interested and hang up immediately. But here's some I've seen on tv which I found funny and I've always wanted to try.

40 year old virgin

She looked for that... rofl... i guess she had her day done with that:biggrin:

the few times i have been bothered by one telemarketer i just hang up on them after a few polite curses :aargh: :biggrin:

they get 14 dollars an hour (i've heard thats what they get) to get insulted or yelled at... how smart are they)

I tend to hang up on them. They always call when i'm trying to have my dinner, and the stuff they normally want to "sell" me is crap anyway. I once had someone ringing up and asking me about life insurance on my 21st.

I basicly wait for them to call me (I have caller id) and i'll talk to them for a few minutes then ask them to hold on for a sec, I then procede to put them on hold and see how long they stay on the line, later I then call them back and try to sell them something

My general rule is I hang up as soon as they mispronounce my name.

That's what I usually do.

ROFL. I really want to try that.


I remember one time the telemarketer thought I hung up on her, so she starts cussing and talking about me to one of her peers. I quickly responded with "Uh...what? Fuck you too, bitch." and then slammed the phone.

I'm usually just blunt with them.

Telemarketer: "Are you interested in our XXXXXXXXXX?"
Kaleb: "No. I don't want it. Don't call me."
Telemarketer: "But this is a limited time blah blah blah..."
Kaleb: *hangs up*

Once or twice I've done this thing where, when they call, I say hello, and then after they start talking about their product, I just stop responding and put the phone down. Later, after they're done talking, they'll be like, "Hello? Hello?" until they realize they just wasted their time and decide to hang up.

I usually just ignore them since i have called ID, i just dont answer the phone when i see a weird number. But once in awhile i'll answer and say that i cant speak english. it's nothing much. This thread makes me want to answer a telemarketer's call and say something weird. like "hi im ungh having sex right now u wanna call back later?"

agree with that espressivo... that exactly what im thinking to say the next time a telemarketer calls :biggrin:

I just hang up when they start peddling their wares. A few years ago I tried to fuck with someone I thought was a telemarketer, and turned out to be someone my mom actually knew. He was returning a call she had made regarding home insurance. I knew that I had misjudged when he immediately called back after I hung up and left a message for her.

I felt like an ass. So I just hang up, because I'm clearly not cut out to fuck with people.

And that, starslight, is exactly what I've always been afraid of.

I usually just hang up on them. I'd like to mess around with them, but I'm not that creative.

Generally when I pick up and they start their sales pitch I just leave the phone on the counter or any nearby flat surface and I go back to whatever it is I'm doing. I can still hear their squabbling over the speaker, but once I think they're done and ask me if I'm interested I pick up the phone and say a firm "NO" and hang-up. This way by wasting their time I'm also depriving them of whatever commissions they could've gotten had I just hung up in the first place.

I like to say things that leave them after I hung up going "what the...!?"
For example...

Telemarketer: Hello this is (so and so) from (so and so), is Ms. Goldsmith there?
Me: (Now here is where I give a sigh) Oh dear lord, the poor thing is gone from the earth. 18 wheelers and nudist colony was the end of her....

And then I usually hang up right after that! Now days tho, it's more and more recordings than actual people. ;.;
When my cousin was really little I use to give her the phone and she would be babbling like most little kids do and I could hear the person still talking on and on about there product!

Ahem..

"Hello, Bob here from bunk furnishings inc. Have you thought about a new block of wood to sit on rather than your sofa.. Let me tell your the benifits!"


You would respond.

"Hi Bob, hows the wife and kids.. Really that's great.. Hey.. Have you ever thought of getting a life?.. Before you hang up, let me just go over the benifits!"

"That's real funny sir.. But honestly, I think you may want to hear this"

"Oh sure, sorry, please go on"

"Blah blah and the blah blah works blah blah"

"Those are great ideas.. So have you scored with any ladies lately? What about that girl you met in the bar yesterday... She didn't turn out to be a guy again did she!?"

"Excuse me?"

"You're excused"

*Click

.dc

Awesome! You rock! All of your stories are hilarious! Keep them coming! I don't want to run out of ideas for when they call back! :D

Whenever I run into a telemarketer, I act surprised: "Oh really? No way!"

As he/she tries to sell me some product or service, I continue to roleplay that of some hillbilly hick who just realized cordless phones were invented. Then comes the good'ol "Hold on a min.... just hold on a min, or two, I gots to find that check book. It gots my balance and everythin. I'mma look on the book shelf."

Then I just put aside the receiver and let it be for some random number of hours. Sure I might miss a few calls, or get that annoying dead-end tone, but that's only because I've already forgotten about it. Forgotten about the phone, not the caller.

Although, that scenario is for times I remember to act in such a way. Commonly I will just tell them I don't live at this residence, that I'm someone else. I'd explain the phone number reference may be a cause of some prank and if they continue to pester me despite the mistake, I would find and take legal action. Which reminds me of that news article I read about some guy getting $100,000.00 from sueing, or threatening to sue, telemarketers for bothering him.

Especially if you mix 'em up ^_^

"Hola! Come estas? Oui, oui... donkashin (or however you spell it)" xp

I'm generally completely ruthless toward telemarketers xp I'll start immitating other voices swearing and shouting back at them (the voices, that is) all the while apologizing to the telemarketer, although my favorite is to make up some accent and give a whole speech about how I'm so happy to have the experience of getting a call from an American telemarketer because back in my home country Yottykwasliandecarlia telemarketers were no where to be found and I heard so many stories of how American telemarketers would call at the absolute worst times possible and shameless try to sell things and I always wanted to fall victim to them. Then I ask if they also know where I can go to experience American date rape and generally if they haven't hung up yet they do there xp

Other times I'll say "Thank you for calling Matt's Bar & Grill, daycare on sundays. How may I help you?"
One girl actually stayed on the line after that to tell me what a sick bastard I was for running a daycare in a bar XD I decided to play along, saying that it was to make it more convenient for fathers to pick up their kids after a hard day at the office and encourage them to get drunk and beat on some stranger as opposed to their wives and it teaches the kids valuable lessons such as how to sneak a drink onto someone else's tab and how to make drinking an art vs. getting ass-drunk, and immitated a little kid saying "punk-ass dwunk!". When she said "My god..." revealing she was still on the phone and actually thought I was serious (never again have I had such a hard time not laughing and thank god I didn't have to keep a straight face XD) I also explained that the hardest thing was keeping the cops off my ass, but the chief's kid goes here all the time so as long as I let him beat up other kids it's cool.
She then tried to convert me to Christianity to which I started speaking in tongues and she hung up XD

hrm, if you have caller ID, the sell something to them before they can start works too. Same way if you see a homeless person about to ask you for some change and you already payed your guilt-trip fees, ask them for money before they do it. Just pick up the phone and be like,

"Hi, I'm Richard from Remodel America and I'm willing to offer you a promotional offer of a complete..."

err... yeah, I've watched too much TBS for my own good.

I've had my share of them in the last couple of years. I would handle them in a variety of fun ways. I'm usually pissed off when I realize it's a telemarketer. Often I would start speaking jibberish. If I was eating (or not), I would make loud crunching noises. Sometimes I would speak normally and randomly yell absurdities to them. Sometimes I'll use ridiculous inside joke quotes to confuse them. Fun times.

I try to tell them to leave me alone as calmly as possible but it never works. Hell, I'm afraid to answer my phone sometimes (Only because it's like there is NO ONE THERE AT ALL)!

I just find out they're selling and what tell them I've already got their product. Who are they to know any better?

My brother-in law has a method where he tries to arrange a pick up or date with them. Scares the males, freaks out the girls.

I usually just tell them that "I don't care!" and hang up, but when I'm in a good mood I act like I am interested in what they are saying. I ask questions (sarcastic questions), then when they are answering me...

I yell "I DON'T CARE!!" ....my dad always used to laugh at me ^_^

i like bustin' out my spanish skills too...four years of spanish in h.s. does sometimes pay off.

My favourite so far:

Telemarketer: Hello, my name is Jennifer...
Me: Oh Jesus, how'd she get this number? Look, Jen, I wasn't looking for anything long term last night, I just hadn't had any female companionship for a couple days, and it was starting to get to me real bad. I'm really really sorry about the herpes, I didn't find out myself until this morning...
Jennifer: *gasp* (Long pause)....click.

Either I hang up as soon as they idientify themselves or I start making françois pérusse humour on them.

Also, i always wanted to try phone sex :p

I get treated like a telemarketer enough with my current job that I've wondered what happened to "No thanks, I'm not interested" went.

Part of my owrk criteria is following up students who had a personal interview with one of the college's representatives. It's for confirmation's sake so that we can know whether the rep is bullshitting us or not. Takes a minute at most per successful call. Of course, I get that selection of twats that think it's funny to have a voice mail that sounds like they really answered the phone, piss on me for bothering them at such and such time, or don't want to speak at all.

I believe out of the thousands of calls I've made and the asshats I've dealt with, only a few have just simply said "No thanks. We had the interview and decided against applications. Thanks anyway."

So yeah, that's all I say to the handful of telemarketers I've been picked out by and solicetrs to my door. A simple "No thank you."

Most of the time I just ramble in in Japanese or in a different forgin language and then hang up, but now i am tempted to try all the creative things most of guys have already done! sounds fun!

haha, I know a guy who does that. He asks where they're stationed at, then who's their state senator and on and on about political stuff, and his wife would yell at him for the phone rape.

I haven't tried this one but after their initial sentence, you turn on the tv to a channel with snow and static sound and whisper in a low voice, "7 days..." then hang up. If I were a telemarketer, I'd quit my job after that..

i usually say 'tell me ALL about your product" then gently place the phone down on the pillow and leave.
or i scream NO. and hang up
or sometimes they fuckin call at at 9/10 in the morning (im a college student mind you) so i just go "how about you don't call me anymore especially not so early in the morning. click"

I actually tried this once where a telemarketer calls, and he starts his usual spiel of shit, and I start going "Mmmm" and "oooh" to everything he says. Then I'll start dirty whispering like "Uh huh.. oh, God, yes! Tell me that again!"
And if they haven't hung up by then I'll pretend to be climaxing when he offers anything about the product he's selling.

God, I miss telemarketers...

There are so many things you can say to those people, my friend pretends that the person they're calling is dead and starts to yell hysterically. I don't have the guts to do things like that >_>. However whenever they call there's usually a little pause before the call gets through, so if I hear that I slam the phone down so I don't have to deal with them.

I don't have the option of slamming the phone because they always call back, if not five minute then a few days. Unfortunately, I haven't had any telemarketers call since I made this thread so I can't try out some of the stuff you guys have been saying.

Well, as I'm unemployed at the moment, I've been around more during the day to receive these calls.

My dad and I have the same name, so they'll ask for him and I'll say, "This is him." And listen for awhile. Usually, I'm tired or doing something so I'll just say "Please take this number off your list and don't call back." But if I'm bored, I'll just sit and listen quietly then start randomly playing clips from "Saw," "Kids In The Hall," or "Invader Zim"..its funny when an operator hears "Are you making bacon?" five times in a row and still answers the question.

LOL this has to be one of the funniest threads i've read...
i don't do much to telemarketers, i usually hang up when they're in the middle of introducing themselves and they're company...
but while i was reading this, i was imagining all the crap i could pull on them....like...

when they're doing their shpiel on whatever crap they're selling, i can get out my violin and when they stop, give them a few seconds of silence, then suddenly play the loudest, squeakiest, highest note i can manage and give them a good scare and a nice bit of goosebumps...

or start spouting chinese with a few unpleasant body noises stuck in between...

or go to the piano, hold down the damper pedal, and play ALL the keys as loud as i possibly can (kinda like the violin deal up there)

or quote an episode in friends and be like "i don't need your product" and when they ask why, say "cuz i'm going to kill myself" and hang up

I used to just slam the phone down, but we have a portable now so its not an option. But....my brother is into all that death metal/punk crap, so I walk to his room, crank the stereo up and put the phone next to it and switch the stereo on. The current record is 11 seconds before they hang up.

I'm on a do not call list, but it doesnt work, so I simply flatulate into the telephone receiver.

i just don't reply

I have a cell phone, and that's it. So, telemarketers really aren't supposed to call, but since the whole thing's computer controlled, the numbers get rotated in. (Phones are dialed in numerical order.)

Anyway, my provider blocks those calls automatically, so I have some interesting numbers showing up:

1-555-555-5555
1-121-212-1212

And so on.

However, I did have this experience at work. A telemarketer called, I answered, and listened to her sales pitch (hey--it got me out of work). However, there is a trick question involved. "Are you over 18 and have the authority to change this part of your job?" Yes, I'm over 18, but I don't have the authority. I told her to stop and contact the office. She told me just to say yes, and it would be all right. Wrong answer. I hung up on her, *69'ed the number, called back, and got the manager. I "politely" suggested re-training their callers that when someone can't answer a question, then they should politely hang up.

But, before the cell phone--I had a normal phone, and I've been rude to a few others. Once mispronounced my name, and I corrected him, and his response: "Chill." *click*

Tele: "Do you have a few moments to take our survey?"
Me: "I'm sorry, no. I have to get to work."
Tele: "This will take only a few moments."
Me: "Okay. But will you call my work and tell them I was late because you were too rude to listen to my wishes?"
Tele: "When would be a good time to call?"
Me: "Never." *click*