Needing Some Counsel
 

Allright. I dated a guy, my best friend, for about 2 years. We broke up because I wanted to see someone else. (I had been hanging out alot with this someone else) And now I have been dating Tom for a while.

Recently my ex and his new girlfriend have been posting journals and graphics lately on a site we all belong to, and I honestly did not expect it to hurt so bad to see them together. And happy. And her being a better girlfriend than I had been. I wonder if he is happy, and I wonder if he ever thinks of me.

It's such an endless string of thoughts that I've even been dreaming of him.

I need a little help.

Should I talk to him about all that transpired? I feel like we've done it enough. We've argued and yelled, and talked and lectured... I feel as if it's all been said. But I still want to say more.

Should I try communicating or leave it at that?

(Tom probably would not enjoy me talking to my ex again, but I still don't feel like I have closure...I'm sure he would understand that)

Do you still have feelings for your ex?

From what i'm reading, if there's arguing, yelling, etc. in your previous relationship, this thing that happened on the site is a way for you to have closure with the guy. My suggestion is "if it ain't broke, don't fix". If he's happy with his relationship and you are with yours, then just move on.

I guess the only way you can ever tell if he is happy (without actually talking to him) is through those journals.

I don't think you need closure (just my opinion). It sounds more to me like you're jealous that he's with someone else and that he's happy. I think this is perfectly normal. If not, then I'm screwed up because this has happened to me more times than I can count. When I was young I would dump some guy and the next thing I knew he'd be with someone else and I'd be jealous.

The best thing you can do is to let him go. You said yourself that you two have talked until you're blue in the face. Communicating with him now that he's with someone else and happy is probably only going to cause trouble between him and his current girlfriend, not to mention confuse him.

Let it go, sister. If you had him back, you wouldn't want him anymore. Now isn't that true?

Very. I guess I am jealous. It's hard not to be, when the first person you ever had a serious relationship moves on.

:sigh:

Thanks Alice. I appreciate the input.

You sound like a typical female that got bored because your ex no longer made you emotional. If so, my advice to you would to grow up and and get some substance. Also, leave the guy alone, unless you want to start shit with people. Which wouldn't be very surprizing.

I think you should just enjoy Tom for now. No point in making your ex feel like he is on top of the world and giving him false thoughts about you still having feelings for him.

Talk about starting shit with people.

Butt out unless you're going to be useful, please.

Double Post:

I do enjoy Tom. We have a really healthy relationship. Still, it's only been a few months.

But you're right, I really should focus on the present. I can't change what's already been done.

Thanks for the advice ^_^

Enjoy Tom's company while you have it. You need to move forward in your relationship with Tom, and the only way to do is let go of your ex.

Don't get too hung up with your ex as it's something you decided when you made your decision to break up. It's okay to move forwards just not backwards as it doesn't do you any good or your ex either - you will look foolish in the end.

My advice is useful if you indeed pathologically follow the path of “girl meets boy, girl gets bored, girl dumps guy, guy gets new girl, girl get jealous, girl manipulates guy back, guy accepts, girl gets bored again” Females who follow such a pattern typically lack the glue needed to make a mature relationship work, substance. So when some new guy comes around and excite emotions, they melt like butter.

Considering that you couldn’t even identify basic jealousy on your part, unless you’re like 16 or something, I don’t think my responds was uncalled for. Harsh maybe, but not uncalled for.

I personally don't think it's jealousy. Many people who once broke it off with someone who they've been with for a long time sometimes wonder what they're up to, just out of curiosity. A few of my friends do that too. Aise, what you're feeling and thinking is natural. Everyone thinks about their ex and wonders how they are going at some point.

Btw, I posted my reply and it was similar to what the others have said... where was my thank you?? lol j/k

You see, the problem with your logic is that people don’t go on message boards saying things like:

…without jealousy being in the picture somewhere - especially when they are the ones that did the dumping. Now, of course this is a natural feeling. But, only young teens, or the ridiculously naive, don’t realize that this is a natural feeling and treat it like an actual problem - especially when they did the dumping.

What you’re describing is more like a “hey, I wonder how so-and-so is doing, let me call them” mentality. That’s obviously not happening here.

Thank you very much, watcher. ^_^ I appreciate the good advice.

And yea... I was with the boy a while. We had been friends for a few years before hand too, so when we broke up..well.. it's been longer than I've ever went without talking to him.

God, you're stupid.

You left someone to date someone else? Is there anything more shallow? It doesn't even sound like your previous relationship had any problems beyond the norm - but you had to trade him in for someone else? You're a stone cunt and you deserve to feel the way you do.

I hope your guilt brings you grey hairs and bad karma.

Jeez, LeHah. How is it a bad thing to "leave" someone to whom you're not even married to date someone else? All dating is is shopping for a mate, anyway. What was she supposed to do? Stick with some guy even though someone better came along?

I'll never understand men.

I fail to see how marriage has anything to do with my point. My point is - you're suppose to stick to someone until it doesn't work. See, I don't ditch friends because I make new and more interesting friends - nor would I ditch my girlfriend because some new and more interesting girl came into my life.

The very basis of my arguement is that you stick it out with the person you're with. Isn't that the very idea behind marriage? Or did you not understand the vows you said?

Yes, that's the idea behind marriage, but it sure as hell isn't the idea behind dating. Dating is shopping. That's all.

Stick with someone you're just DATING even though someone better comes along? What the hell kind of sense does that make? By your rationale, everyone would marry the first person they dated.

Wow.

And by your rationale, no one would ever be married because they'd be playing musical chairs for their entire lives.

No, see. How it works is, you shop around until you find someone you want to settle on. Until then, everything's fair in love and war.

My mama told me...you better shop around.

See, I think LeHah takes issue with the callousness of doing what Aise did. She obviously didn't care enough about her ex or else she wouldn't have left him (unless he was an asshole, which she hasn't claimed he was). However, if you don't care about someone enough to stick with them, you're probably not suitable for each other in the first place, and so (despite the intense PAIN he must have felt) she was doing him a favour. Perhaps it is just morbid curiousity that leads someone to inquire about their ex; it doesn't help anything in the present, but a person may wonder in what way they were deficient, so they could avoid repeating mistakes in the future that might jeopardise a current relationship.

Loyalty is pretty high up for me in terms of importance, but if you consider that a lot of teenage relationships can lack substance and are of a fleeting nature anyway, I don't think it's so bad to "shop around" and find out what you like either.

I think it's a pretty safe bet that if someone else looks so much more appealing to you that you'd leave your boyfriend or girlfriend for him or her, there are problems enough in the relationship to justify a break-up.

You were a slut in high school, weren't you?

Like you weren't. =/

I kinda agree with LeHah.

I don't believe in DITCHING a person because something else better came along. Thats so disloyal and disgusting, I want to beat the bloody pulp out of any asshole who does it. Its a display of manipulation, of selfishness, of no consideration of others. Not to mention NOW, you want to go BACK. UGH UGH UGH WOMEN ARE SO STUPID.

I agree that you deserve what you get, Aise. I hope he realizes what a basketcase you are and stays the fuck out of a relationship with you.

God, you people are amazing. This girl is probably in high school - maybe college - and you expect her to stay with some guy she's just not that into anymore? Good lord, why not just get married at 14 and skip all the fun of being young and free?

You mean to tell me that it's not OK to break up with someone for ANY REASON when you're not married to them? I guess it would have been better for her to just stay with the guy even though she didn't really want him anymore, just for the sake of loyalty. Nevermind her happiness or the fact that the longer she lives this lie, the more it's going to hurt him in the end when things don't work out somewhere down the line.

OH WAIT...maybe there shouldn't be an end. Maybe once you start dating someone you should just stick with that person forever, no matter what. Some guy comes along who you're more compatible with, have more in common with, and are generally more attracted to, but OOPS! Can't think about those things. That would be "disloyal." Better to just lie to your current boyfriend and stay with him to save his tender feelings.

Why is the word "marriage" coming out of your mouth, Alice?

Why not? My whole point is, she is NOT married to this guy, and she's probably very young on top of that. Why does she have any obligation to stay with him being that they are not married?

Because morally, its kind of WRONG and BAD?

You don't just DITCH a person when something better comes along. You ENDORSE this behavior Alice?! This is pathological behavior. Someone needs to teach the both of you some better morals as far as relationships are concerned.

And then, she's JEALOUS that the dude she left is having a good time with another female! YOU DON'T SEE THIS AS KIND OF SICK?

Thats wrong on so many levels, it almost makes me nauseous.

But then, loyalty is LOST on most people. So.

Cute Avatar Mandi... if you want to talk to me, talk to me.

She is in high school, I am in college... I told her to break up with me if she wanted to see someone else, and she didn't. She decided to cheat on me instead. So stop defending her.

and LeHah... you talk out of your ass a lot... so stop attacking her.

If you need marriage to stay with someone, you're obviously unable to keep friends or be around other men without being tempted to strip them down and suck them off.

Alice, why do you need marriage to be loyal?

Eat a dick, you nobody.

...

What the FUCK are you on, boy. What is WRONG with you. You're about as CONFUSED as she is! You are a match made in HEAVEN. Just don't reproduce, alright?

Well, yeah, Sass. The jealousy thing is sort of what clued me in to how old she must be. That's just plain silly. Typical high school girl mentality.

But I completely endorse ditching someone when someone better comes along at her age and station in life. You're only young once. Why tie yourself down to someone you know isn't right for you at that age?

I guess maybe I was a slut in high school, although I don't think anyone would have called me one. Everything I did I pretty much kept on the low, but I'm glad I had fun in high school. I had a great time, and it gives me something to laugh about now.

Yeah because once you're past 18, you never feel jealousy again! Silly high school drama!

Drive up to Connecticut because I want to fuck you in the ass, Alice. Because, as everyone knows, I'm better than your husband.

"Ahahaha! I sucked so much cock in high school! HYSTERICAL"

Sure. Girls are retarded.

How would you know if that person isn't "right" for you. You have hardly given it a shot.

Man, I can not believe people like this exist! "YOURE ONLY YOUNG ONCE! Don't ever smoke pot but fuck around with as many guys as you possibly can! DITCH A NICE ONE if a BETTER one comes along!"

Who TEACHES you this tripe. Its no lesson in life, and its never OKAY, no matter how old you are.

No offense, but weren't you knocked up early in life?

I disagree Sass! See, gang rape is the great equalizer!

O WELL. GANGRAPE. Thats a whole new can of worms, buddy.

If you can convince your bitch to fuck a bunch of men at once, hey. She's the idiot. No skin off my back.

By writing out DITCH in capital letters like that, you're using semantics to make it sound worse than it is. They simply broke up; just because she didn't outright state that the relationship was not working out doesn't mean that she just up and left for the first guy in sight like some heartless bitch. At least I find that scenario hard to believe. There must have been some underlying reasons behind it.

The concept of loyalty is fine, but on the other hand, it makes me sad to see how many people stay together in relationships that don't work, just because of loyalty or some sense of duty. If it doesn't make you happy, then what's the point?

lol

Yes, I was knocked up at age 18. I already admitted I wasn't exactly a prude in high school. What's your point? Also, I never said anything about smoking pot, for the love of Mike. Why are you bringing that up here, anyway?

And LeHah, why does it always have to be my ass?

I'm glad you're among one of the only people around here noticed. ^_^

I doubt it.

I agree that a lot of people stay in relationships that they really SHOULDN'T. But this is like, textbook high school BULLSHIT.

And now that she's left the original dude (who showed up to tell us she cheated on him), now she's JEALOUS that he's happy with someone else!

This is where I am getting the basis for my argument. She's a sick little manipulating girl who needs a swift slap to the head.

As for YOU, Alice:

You think its okay to be a whore (that may be an exaggeration, but thats pretty much what youre SAYING) in high school because you're YOUNG and try on different men for FUN, but you are so avidly against smoking pot.

My brain has a REALLY hard time grasping this concept. It must be a Southern concept. But lets not talk about the drugs. I think we've all had enough of that shit for the next 6 months, right?

I am just saying that your morals seem a little skewed.

Sass, I never said anything about pot. I just want to clear that up. I protested the harder drugs being discussed here and advice being given out about how much to take, etc. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT POT.

But back to the topic...
I'm betting 20 bucks the "you can break up with me if you want" was followed closely by "but I'll probably kill myself if you do." Any takers?

Sass, I wasn't a whore. Really. I probably did some dudes things I shouldn't have, but I wasn't that bad.

The worst reason to stay with somebody is because you are with them. There should be more than that. What would really help is if people would just be with people that they like and care about, and have loyalty then, instead of just fucking around with whomever.

To leave a person because another comes along that catches your fancy is crass. If you are ready and willing to leave your current partner, you should do so on those grounds, instead of hanging around looking for someone better. You are just dicking around the person who you are with, but have no loyalty toward. It's a cowards way of dealing with life, rather be with someone they don't 'love', than be honest with themselves and their temporary partner.

For the first time I can kinda get on Alice's side of an issue. Being loyal to someone that you don't like/love is stupid, and you should leave that person. We've all known people that are in/stay in relationships just because it's what they know. How many times has the *only* reason a friend can come up with for being with their partner been 'We've been together for X amount of time.'? This only leads to people being unhappy with their choice of partner.

However, this case sounds like the OP is a pretty bad person. She shouldn't have left the guy for another, she should have broken up for reasons that applied between the two of them, instead of waiting for an opportunity to jump into another relationship. She clearly cared nothing for the first guy, this recent jealousy is likely something to the effect of 'I want him to miss me, and be sad and hopeless without me in his life' (Sorry to sound like SMX).

Id like to see your jugs flap as you squeal in surprise and delight.

Guilt.

If you ask me, all you need to know is rather you made him happy when you were together. Upon getting your answer it would be wise to leave it alone just like that. This would be sufficient for closure. Better yet - you should be happy he moved on(since you have). Would you rather him be stuck in time wallowing over loneliness and the loss of you instead of trying to pull himself together?

:)

Hey now, sounding like me is a good thing. Besides, someone had to tell her how stupid she was being.

Allright. So while i was gone somehow I've left him for no reason blahdey blah blah. Yes. I'm 17. High school. Now excuse me, but here's the story.

We had been friends since I was 12. We dated for 2 years not so long ago. Through those two years we had ups and downs like any normal relationship, but the hardest was him leaving for college every fall, which was 100 miles away. My car is not reliable. I did not make the trip that often. He made the trip as often as possible. He eventually, after a year or so, lost his license. When he came back, he worked a lot of the time that we had wanted to spend together.
I got a job at a small town food joint. I made friends with Tom, and we hung out. We talked a lot, hung out a lot, and basically spent all of our free time with eachother. Andrew knew I was around him, because a lot of this time with Tom was spent with his friends and my friends as well.
Anywho, I realized that I would be much happier with Tom. I clicked better, I got a better vibe, I was and still am much happier than I have been with any one else. I had no way of telling Andrew. I couldn't. It hurt me and him. I never did more than kiss Tom while I was with Andrew. Yes, it's cheating, but I broke it off soon after that began. Yes I agree it was childlike.
I do realize this.

All I was asking for was some advice on if I should talk to Andrew again, because yes I was jealous, but not only because he has a different girlfriend, but because I'm not his friend anymore. I'm not the person he talks to anymore. And given our huge past, I thought that was understandable.

I do not want him back. I do not want to do anything but talk to the kid.

Jeez, people. Blowing this shit out of proportion.

I say bullshit to that, because you started off attacking his happiness. If you want to just talk to the kid, then what the hell is stopping you from doing it?

I call your bullshit:
You see, this isn't like you were asking "GEE. I wonder if I could be his friend again." This is "Man, I totally want him."

Sorry lady. Back-pedaling out of this won't get you anywhere.

Word. If you want him back, I suggest you get on your knees and take him in your mouth a couple times before even asking him if you two could get back together.

^^ way to miss the big picture