The Twenty Minute Movie: The Way They Really End.
 

Time to get way too anal and realistic about movies that have an otherwise unreal or fantastic premise!



DIE HARD

Terrorists have closed John McClain off in the elevator shaft. In a desperate move, John "Cowboy" McClain undoes the strap on his machine gun and uses it to descend into a seemingly bottomless air duct. All of the sudden, the strap breaks free of the gun! Oh, fuuuuuck. At the speed he is falling, any hope of catching an open duct with his fingers are dashed faster than you can say Die Hard 2: Die Harder. So long, Roy!


KING KONG (REMAKE)

Naomi Watt's body breaks at the neck and spine as DK shakes her about like a stubborn ketchup bottle.

Adrien Brody is trampled by dinosaurs.



HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS

HONEY I KILLED THE KIDS WITH A RELATIVELY GARGANTUAN BROOM!

http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/dynamic/i...on-shark_l.jpg

Fin.




All I got to say.

LORD OF THE RINGS

"One does not simply walk into Mordor."

Frodo goes the fuck home and has a beer.




THE LOVE GURU

"Hey guys. This is Mike Myers. I want to make another movie."

*click*




THE DARK KNIGHT

In the opening scene, the joker pauses to take a hit off some prescription drugs in order to relax his nerves before a big bank heist.

Credits.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Jim Carrey undergoes mind erasure, and the ensuing brain damage causes him to go back in time to make Liar Liar and forward in time to make 23.

The end.

TITANIC

That bitch's heart never actually goes on.

The end.

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane
 

Over come with grief at the sight of his murdered koala, Ford hangs himself around the neck from an adjacent fan blade.

The Nutty Professor

They all fart, someone turns the oven on, and the blow up.

The end.

http://to.all.the.people.in.the.fron...wall-e-434.png

Wall-E (Andrew Stanton, 2008)

Faced with the reality of what Man has become thanks to Wall-E's enterprising spirit and winsome disposition, the sprightly little robot that won the hearts of millions is hastily compacted with the trash, leaving Mankind to spend its final years adrift in space before finally succumbing to its own excess.

The Matrix

Neo takes the blue pill.

The End.

The Lion King

Hakuna Matata. Scar killed Mufasa.

The Poseidon Adventure

The helmsman successfully turns the ship into the waves and it doesn't capsize. After the storm dies down they continue on and finish their cruise.

Director's cut

A wave hits the ship broadside, dashing it onto a rogue iceberg, ripping it in two and sinking it instantly. There are no survivors.

Transformers

Bumblebee forgets to let Sam out before transforming to robot mode to fight Barricade.

Marty Mcfly gets a full on Oedipus and fucks himself into oblivion.

The Island

Lincoln 5 Echo wonders why everything in his futuristic remote colony of very few human survivors is sponsored by corporations such as Aquafina, Xbox, Puma, and Speedo, and figures out the truth without having expository dialogue shoveled down our throats.


The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Kirk knocks on the screen door, sees that nobody answers, and goes back to his friends.


The Host

Gang-du grabs Hyun-Seo's hand, and nothing eventful continues to happen in their lives.

The Muppet Movie

Frogs don't talk.

The Boondock Saints

Whilst attempting to ambush a group of mobsters, the McManus brothers fall through the ceiling of the hotel room, entangled in the rope that Connor insisted they bring along. The brothers are gunned down and Rocco is killed before he can even use the six bullets in his gun.

Willem Dafoe dies of AIDS.

The Mummy Series

It turns out that there is no such thing as magic, and reading a page from "The Book of the Dead" in the middle of the night is spooky in a 13-year-old-girls-slumber-party sort of way.

Independence Day

Aliens know basic computer security. The world is fucked.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory

Charlie is forcibly ejected from the factory for pestering Mr. Wonka and spirals into a self-destructive depression that forces him to ultimately take his own life three years later. Grampa Joe is indicted on one count of industrial tampering and one count of conspiracy to defraud. He dies three weeks before his parole hearing.

Ocean's Eleven

Upon hearing that his casino is currently being robbed, Terry Benedict, a sensible casino owner, orders that all exits are to be sealed and manned by security guards. Danny Ocean and company have no alternative exit strategy and are buried in the desert two days later.

The Royal Tenenbaums

Royal Tenenbaum takes up tai chi and becomes a much calmer person. Everyone reflects upon his spiritual awakening and finds it within themselves to go on to much fame, fortune and happiness. The dog survives for eight more wonderful years.

Another: DiCaprio doesn't win the poker round and Winslet commits suicide.

I remember someone always used to try and convince me that the ending where are flying around the town in the elevator was somehow symbolic of Charlie and his family dieing and going to heaven. And that the whole chocolate factory was just some starving/dieing child's hallucination.

Taken

Liam Neeson DOESN'T have a specific set of skills & there's no way in hell they're seeing their daughter again.

OR:

Liam Neeson HAS the specific set of skills, and is smart enough to indulge his paranoia, follow his daughter to Europe, and stop her from being kidnapped in the first place.

The Dark Knight

Christopher Nolan is thrown off a bridge by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, hit by a passing commuter train bound for a ferry ride.

Wanted

Mark Millar is thrown off a bridge by Denny O'Neil, hit by a passing commuter train bound for a deep ravine.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Guillermo del Toro is thrown off a bridge by Tim Burton, hit by a passing commuter train bound to kill Sammael during the original movie.

A Nightmare on Elm Street

After taking the law into their own hands and torching Freddy Krueger in their brand of vigilante justice, the Elm Street parents are arrested for arson and murder in the first degree. Their children go on to live normal lives and there's no reason to make six inferior sequels.

http://www.b3tards.com/u/fcdbe86746e...ssingalien.jpg

Stolen from b3ta.com

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Cameron stays in bed, Ferris goes into the city with his girlfriend. They're held at gunpoint, shes raped in front of his eyes and hes shot in the face. Neither survive.

Rooney is eaten by the family dog.

Predator

Billy eats the Predator

The Proposition
Charlie and Mike Burns are killed in the assault on their hideout before Captain Stanley can make any sort of deal. Arthur gets word of the death of his brothers and razes the town as revenge. Martha Stanley's rape goes uninterrupted.

District B13
Leito miscalculates a jump during his daring escape from K2's goons and falls to his death. Taha's reign over District B13 goes uncontested and he launches the bomb back into France, killing thousands.

Apocalypto
Jaguar Paw is pulled off the cliff with his dead bretheren before even making it to the city. His wife and son drown in the cave in which he left them during the raid.

Inland Empire

Laura Dern's character doesn't take the role in the movie.

OR

Girl Watching TV makes up her mind about how she wants to live BEFORE we see the rabbits.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Bill and Ted successfully transport history's greatest figures into 20th century San Dimas, and pass their history report with flying colors. All this activity causes Ted to forget he is also failing math. His father ships him off to military school and Wyld Stalyns never get to rock out with Death.


Alternate alternate ending:

The Everlasting Gobstoppers are secretly laced with cyanide. All the children die but Charlie. Mister Wonka is arrested and chocolate factory is closed down by the state. Charlie is screwed out of his award and dies as penniless as the day he was born.

Apocalypse Now

The apocalypse is later.

New Friday the 13th

Jason's mom dodges the machete, and sticks it to the main protagonist in the first movie.

No more sequels