Friend advice
 

I have a friend, and I think her boyfriend is a mong. I tried telling her but they basically just started going out, so of course she didn't listen to me. I was hoping it'd be a quick thing but it isn't, they seem really serious. What should I tell her? Should I tell her anything?

Mongolian?
Mongrel?
Mongous cock?

Meet me halfway with the opinions, love.

I imagine she'll find out soon enough, regardless of what you say. Unless she sees something in the guy that is totally awesome and she's willing to overlook the mong bit for that awesome part.

In any case, I think she'll figure it out. And then you can waggle your finger in her face and say "nyah nyah told you so" <3

If she doesn't, suck it up and accept her as your friends anyways. Sometimes, people don't make the best decisions. Or sometimes, people just don't have the same desires and standards that you may hold for yourself.

Mongoloid perhaps. Someone with Down's Syndrome?

Here in Britain, it is a general-purpose derrogation for people who seem to be of... "limited capacity", I suppose you'd say. It's not a nice term, but it passed into common usage. If she's using that term, you can assume the guy is extremely low in her estimation.

I don't know if Lurker is British, or if the usage is more widespread than I realised...

I wouldn't say a thing. If your friend is infatuated with this chap, she won't listen to you when you say something. She'll just be angry with you for insulting her boyfriend. The time to speak is when (and if...) she develops some doubts of her own.

She's not a Brit, but she's pseudo-dating one. Which is probably where she picked up the vernacular. Ten points for using mong in a sentence.

Also, I'd tell her the bad vibe I was getting, but only once. Wouldn't make a big issue out of it.

Look, guys, there's no friend. She's talking about herself. Dump him already.

No, she said NEW boyfriend. Not 9 years of misery old boyfriend. Can't be her. Her boyfriend is a berke, absolutely, but this is clearly a different version of. Though she doesn't really have friends, which makes me dubious...

That part was obviously nothing more than a clever ruse, which fooled you like a chump.

But if it's a ruse, and it's actually her, it makes no sense. Because everyone who knows her tells her to lose the 100-odd pounds of retard weight by dumping him. I mean really, the question makes no sense if you're right.

I don't know, it just smacks of youth and willful ignorance. The first serious, like, serious relationship, you know? I mean I'm happy that she has someone but he's going to be an anchor on her, and I just can't stand to see someone like her get dragged down. I've seen shit like that happen before and although I wouldn't say it ruined any lives, it made them harder, certainly.

Plus, having him around makes her a complete drain. It seems like the only thing she can talk of is him, like she reidentified her entire self as being in terms of this guy.

edit: and no, god, it's not me you assholes. I don't need to ask advice for how to fuck up my own life, but I do need advice on how to keep a near and dear friend from fucking up hers when it barely started.

Ah, but then I would ask you, sir, when have you ever known women to make sense?

Q.E.D.

Oooo. So you posit that the lady has, in point of fact, flipped her lid and gone full on cats and crochet crazy?

A valid possibility.

I don't mind it when you guys make fun of me in threads where I'm whining, or in threads where I'm trying to stir up conversation, or even in threads where I just posted once with facts that weren't backed up by months of research and a bibliography, but seriously? I need help and I don't know where else to turn. I figure this place is a good spot since a lot of people here have been in my place before, or in my friend's place and can help me relate to that sort of feeling.

She's a very close friend to me, and although she's normally well balanced and level-headed, she went off on the deep end this time and I can't let that happen without a fight. You know how I am, I can barely stand hearing someone whining about their parents without giving my two cents. Saying nothing is simply out of the question.

Please, tone it the fuck down.

Already said it. Voice your concern once, and that's it. If you continually harp at her, you're going to lose that fight. You know how retarded people are when they're "in love". You'll just form a nice tight little unit of them vs you. How dare you stand between the endless flame of their passions etc.

Yeah, agreed. Like I said in chat, that's why I feel like I can't talk to my buddy about his girlfriend, 'cause he'll just tell us all to fuck off and that'll make it even harder to help him later. =/

I actually understand this situation. A close friend of mine suffered from low self-esteem. He was seeing some cowish, manipulative, ill-mannered, lazy shrew and though she had the capacity to be cool at times, more often, she was an absolute bitch to everyone. Yet my friend thought she was fantastic - because he felt he'd never find any better.

It may not be the case that your friend has similar esteem issues, but the results are identical. We all told Rory that this girl was a drain. She controlled his every moment, wouldn't let him have any fun unless it was something she enjoyed too, and she encouraged his self-deprecating attitude by picking on him constantly. (She also got him hooked on WoW, for which I never, ever forgave her.)

Ever since 2001, my friends and I told Rory to drop her like a scalding rock. He refused. He wouldn't listen to arguments, insisted that we didn't know the "real Beth." What could we do? He believed he was happy, so that's kind of all there was to it. We voiced our sides and had to let him make his own choice.

Rory stuck it out with Beth for another six years(!). Last November, he finally decided enough abuse was enough and kicked her out of his apartment. It took long enough but the circumstances did force him to ultimately grow a set of balls and find some dignity. Ever since, he's felt worlds better about himself and is no longer accepting barrel-scrapings when it comes to women.

Like it or not, your friend might have to learn a hard lesson. People who get burned rarely make the same mistake twice. Help her up when she needs the assistance. Until then, keep on the sidelines with a first-aid kit handy.

I was hoping there was something else I could do. I feel a real kinship for her, almost like she's my own flesh and blood.. I don't want her to have to learn a lesson that so many other people demonstrated before her.

I guess there's not a lot I can do though. I can't believe it myself, but she went out and got married recently. It was basically like eloping. I can't believe she thought this out thoroughly, and I mean I thought about waiting a little while to see what happens and if it'll fall apart on its own, but I look at like needblood and shit and that's just not an acceptable answer.

Lurker, I don't mean to press. But you seem rather interested in this relationship. I mean, usually you're pretty removed from this sort of thing. Why the extreme interest here?

I hate people who give me advice and the insist like zealots that I follow it. Please don't be one of those people.
Let the girl do what she likes.

Wait, she got MARRIED to him?

Either way, I had a very similar situation with my very best friend a little while back (and I actually posted here asking about it too). Known this girl since 3rd grade, been best friends and considered each other sisters since 6th... once college came around, she pulls an entire 180 on me. After a long series of cheating on her boyfriend, breaking up with him to date the guy she cheated with, that guy leaving her, fuck buddies and one night stands, she settled down with a guy who looks exactly like the boyfriend she fucked it up with (and the guy she cheated with). He's 10 years older than her, an absolute loser, and I quickly found out that there was only one thing I could do about it.

Absolutely nothing. It's heartbreaking, of course. But there will come a point where you finally think 'fuck this' and let it be. If she notices you pulling away, perhaps something will click (and if it does, you'll be luckier in your friendship than I have).

Yeah, because doing things your way have lead to you being a happy, satisfied individual. Maybe you should have taken some of that advice there, shooter.

I guess you're right. I'm too young to be giving advice on life.
What I've learned from school and hobbies is that the best way to really learn something is to mess up a lot of times and learn from that. I can't say how well that translates into real life stuff like this.

She's a person that I deeply respect and admire. I can honestly say that I never met anyone like her before, and I don't want to lose her so quickly. But her boyfriend is one of those people that just grate on me, not in the least because he's a major-league loser who still lives with his parents (even though he's married).

Additional Spam:
I suppose that would be the best for my own mentality, since watching her throw her future away is just too much. Why don't people listen to the voice of experience? I mean, sure he's different than the assholes I've dealt with in the past, or assholes that you've dealt with, but that doesn't mean the law of averages won't bear out.

Anyway Temari I'm sorry to hear that about your friend. What sort of relationship were you able to retain? I won't say that I've known my friend for very long, only a few years, but still she's as dear to me as any. I'm just not prepared to walk away from her after such a short time together.

I was in the same boat as Temari. I had a best friend for 17 years, despite of all of her flaws, I loved her a lot. But... like her friend did, when she's going downhill, she's really going down. :\ Despite of everything I said or tried to do for her, she was going downhill on her own accord. Its very hard to see something precious go out of control and you have to let it go.

The issue here isn't really your friend, but can you let her go? I had a real bitch of a time doing this with my precious best friend. I was angry, I was depressed, I was going out of my mind running out of options to save her. (She was turning into a drunk, going to all of the wrong men, and etc.) But then at the end, I realized, should I stoop my life low enough for her to recognize my advice and be worth saving? That's when I let her go. Call me selfish, but I know when to say "when". I sometimes wish to know what the hell was she thinking. She's supposed to be my own best friend and yet I don't even know her that well.

While I'm sure this is an extreme case, but the advice still applies here. You can only do something about how you think for yourself, heeding advice here and there isn't going to help you or your friend to hear or understand better.

You do have my sincere sympathies for what happening to your friend. While you wish she deserves better, you should deserve a better friend.

(This is obviously an extreme example for a lighter situation, so feel free to take this with a grain of salt.)

We still talk occasionally, mostly when I'm home on breaks from school, because she goes to a school only 20 minutes away from our home town. But its become very infrequent. My mom said that Spring Break must have felt like an 'honor', because I got to spend almost every day of the week with my friend... at work. Of course, her boyfriend tagged along too.

We'll put it this way... she gave up a trip to Ireland with me, all-expenses paid by her parents, because she no longer wants to do anything that doesn't involve her boyfriend. It's rather sickening, actually. I think that was one of the big things that just told me to say 'fuck this'.

Again, it really sucks, but she knows that I feel this way about the guy (Both of her parents feel that way too, but that's another bitch-fest), there's nothing I can do beyond that. Tolerate the guy occasionally if you have to, but if she's like my friend who cant take the 'lets do this... only the TWO of us' hints, then perhaps its time to step back and say 'fine. Whatever.'

Actually I did something sort of similar back in the day. My nominal boyfriend lives in England, so the only way I could see him was when one of us had enough time free to make a trip worthwhile. Which meant that my summer vacations in college were spent either going to his place or preparing for school the next year. No job or internships.

Actually I felt like a huge putz and knew I was screwing up a good opportunity, but it was what it was. Honestly I don't know why people don't listen to others' experience, even when they should know better. Okay, a lot of friends will advise you to do stupid shit but I've turned down advice over what my better nature was telling me was something I should listen to. Maybe it's just easier to keep on keeping on instead of assessing your situation.

Additional Spam:
Talking it over with some other people, maybe the best way is to stage an intervention. If a lot of people tell her that she's making a huge mistake, maybe she won't annul her marriage right away but she'll start thinking that there's something to it. I mean it makes a kind of sense; she and I haven't really been on good terms in a long time so she wouldn't listen to me alone anyway.

Luckily she posts at Gamingforce, so you can send her a private message if you want. Please, do it for me.

Either that or she'll just end up hating everyone who participated and become that much closer to her boyfriend because he's the only one who she still thinks she can trust. Other than what those two posted in their journals, I don't know anything about the situation here, but she obviously trusts him a whole lot if she's willing to get married to him. It would require some compelling evidence of misdeeds on his part to actually inspire a doubt in her mind.

Don't you have friends who said the same thing about your British boyfriend? That you were making a mistake, not doing the right thing for you. Did you listen to them? I'd assume not, to judge from your use of the present tense when describing the relationship, and from the other comments in this thread.

If you didn't listen, why should she? Don't tell me that it's because your friends were wrong, because that's exactly what Blue would think.

She just admitted she did and it was because she was young, dumb, and full of cum, dude, just like everyone else in love. Try to pay attention to the whole post. Short of locking someone in the cellar it's a bit of a lost cause trying to convince someone that they're being an idiot until they've had time to reflect on the misery their mistakes have inflicted.

I did. When you consider that she didn't listen to her friends, doesn't that tell you something? It tells me that listening to friends isn't something that people do when they are in love. That's the whole of my point. I'm not trying to berate Lurker for anything.

In any case, it seems like this thread isn't entirely serious, so...

No, it was an april fools day joke that fell flat on its face because no one posts on april fools day.

The fact I didn't realise this until after I made a post on the 2nd of April is not entirely to my credit.